Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

Don't ever trust a partner with intimate pictures as it's not worth the risk. Just remember that since May 2015 it is a criminal offence to share intimate images of someone without their consent

You can still separate and hold off divorce until you have spoken to a different solicitor. Block him for the rest of your trip.

He sounds repulsive. Surely you are effectively supporting him now? At least if you leave you won't also be having to put up with the grim sex pest.

What on earth kind of disability does he have that means he could be solely responsible for children, but incapable of absolutely any kind of work? He may well not be able to work in the role he used to do previously, or full time, but with the huge growth of online work there is something for most people. When I had CFS I used to do bits and pieces of voice over work and also some basic graphics work on fiverr to keep some money coming in the door because I could do it for 5-10 min blocks, from laid down if I really needed to and I didn't have anyone else to support me. If I'd have been undergoing say cancer treatment that would be very different, but this sounds like a long term disbility where he's more likely to know his abilities and limitiations quite well?

I would 100% be seeking a second legal opinion, you only get one shot at life don't waste it on someone coercive.

He is manipulative coercive Prick

He is manipulative in making you feel that cause you are in a relationship that this is part of the deal,

In fact it's now against the Law for him to be like this nowadays

Get a new Solicitor instead too

yuk, get rid op.

He has no respect for you.

You're already supporting him, At least if you separate you won't have to deal with him so much. If you did end up having to pay spousal support it sounds like it might be worth get away from be

Keep all his abusive texts to use as evidence of coercive control.

You are ‘supporting’ him whether you stay or go. I’d go and let him look after himself. I doubt he’ll find another woman willing to send him nudes!

He sounds fucking AWFUL! Boke.

What kind of support do you think you have to give him when you leave?

You only get one life,

Why waste it on him,

Even if you do have to pay something in spousal maitence it be worth it to get shot of Manipulative abusive Prick of Arsehole Husband

You Need a different solicitor who specialises in this type of thing Separtion rights ect

He could use any intimate photo as a weapon or how would you know where they could end up,

This is classic abusive control

Look at it this way OP. If someone said to you, pay £500 a month and be rid of this horrible man forever, I bet you'd rip their arm off for the offer!

As @JKTrolling has pointed out, you are already paying for him. At least if you divorce you get the benefit of not having to live with him and be pestered constantly about sex.

The court WANTS clean breaks! The court pushes hard for this. You choose ‘clean break’ on the form A when you’re filing for a financial settlement. I am divorcing and I self rep, by the way. You don’t need to pay a solicitor to tell you the bleeding obvious.
Divorce him. And set boundaries!! No wait, let me change that to congratulate yourself and celebrate setting boundaries around this horrible issue for the very first time! You did that! You rule! That’s fucking huge OP. 👏👏👏
Next stop: Divorce.
Listen to some podcasts. Stowe solicitors does a good one on Spotify. Karen Walker too. She does one on divorcing narcissists which is helpful for anyone who’s experienced any form of coercion. Just learn everything you can via podcasts (you may not need to spend as much on solicitors).

No more pictures.
See another lawyer.
Buy him a ticket to Madrid to the Prado Museum to view works of Peter Paul Rubens - he might stay in Spain.

Exactly. That would account for the constant pressure - he gets status from showing what he can make you do.

So, from now, today, no more sexting, no more photographs.

Do you sleep in separate rooms? Now is the time to go for that.

Search thoroughly for hidden spyware in your home.

Find out if his behaviour is illegal. Find out what he's doing that you don't know about eg the sharing. - Oh, someone has posted about coercive control. There you go.

If you’re the only one working now, you’re supporting him anyway. So would you rather divorce with a risk of paying spousal maintenance or stay married, carry on supporting him financially and keep having to deal with him being sexually coercive?

Block his messages. If he wants to speak to you he will have to call.

He needs to be told very clearly that if he sends those pics anywhere you will contact the police.
What a disgusting man.
Just get rid- I’d do it even if it cost me a bit. He’s a sex pest.

I would categorically tell him there wont be any more pictures, ever. You mentioned other coercive stuff too? That stops immediately as well. You arent his sex slave.

This. You need to take charge here.

Please don't waste more of your life with this abusive clod.

What is the nature of his disability?

My Uncle divorced in 1989. His wife couldn't work due to health reasons. She never remarried or met/ lived with anyone else.They didn't have children and he never saw her again after the divorce. Because of this,he had to pay maintenance to her up to the day he died on February 12th this year. He was 89 years old and we worked out that he'd paid her nearly £40k over the years. In the 1990s he had 2 heart attacks and became unable to work so he went back to court to see if he could stop paying- he was then on DLA- and they refused. He'd remarried by then and took on his second wife's children but he still had to pay maintenance for his first wife.

Your DH is gross. What does he do, just sit at home waiting for you to send you nudes while you’re on your commute to work and support his arse?! What the fuck?! I am enraged and disgusted on your behalf. LTB.

You're not in a relationship. You have a dependent. And you need to get rid.

Don't divorce if you don't want to (although your legal options are worth re-exploring).

Just live apart together and separate all your finances apart from the essentials.

Stop talking to him, having sex with him, sexting him. Just ignore him and get on with life.

Say you will send some if he sends some of him to you first then get him to do some unflattering poses then dont send him any so he can't blackmail you with photos as you have some of him too