Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

And no I'm not minted but I have a good job and have supported us all these years. Actually had an even bigger job years ago but almost had a breakdown with the commuting and DH getting angry when I went away regularly for work to India and NYC etc... so it's possible I could free up the headspace to get myself back to that level...

and if so to send him a reward.

I'm sorry but that's revolting, I hope he chokes on his bloody garlic bread. You should have just replied with 'no, I won't be sending you anything like that again '* *

Oh this is awful. It really does sound like he's getting a thrill over making you do something you don't want to rather than over just the picture itself.
I really hope you manage to leave the power tripping cock.

I have MS, I'm not a disgusting creepy cunt.

Its sexual abuse/coercive control, which is a crime! I'd tell him i'd report him if he doesn't take no for an answer, no more sex anything.

Jesus. This is vile. Just get a really good lawyer and get divorced asap. Far better to be apart. What a creep.

Don't leave it too long if you're going to be wanting to kick your career up a notch, OP. Your daughter will cope.

STOP THE PICTURES

It’s not normal to do this unless you want to. if you can’t stop see a therapist

Go and see a different solicitor and focus on the best deal you can for a clean break (ie pay a lump sum and that’s it)

Investigate with a therapist why in the name of god you are making excuses for not leaving this fuck wit

You know OP, you really do need to see a therapist.

You are obviously very bright and I am really stunned by the way you are normalising and being jokey about what is abusive behaviour.

I know this won’t fit with your self image but you are being abused. There’s nothing funny or jolly about it.

You need to figure out why you’ve got yourself here and get yourself out. Don’t use your kids as an excuse. They will be fine.

Get away from this man. He's a creepy twat. Who asks for any kind of reward (let alone a nude pic) in return for buying garlic bread?! This is in not normal adult behaviour.

I was just coming along to say this. Your eldest child needs to know about his behaviour too

He sounds fucking awful OP. The freedom of being away from him would be worth it even if you do end up having to pay him some sort of maintenence.
Get out of there as soon as you can. He is an absolute cunt.

But aren't you financially supporting him anyway to a degree? Spousal maintenance is possible, but is avoiding it worth ruining your life over. Your children are at the age where they will decide where to live. He doesn't sound like there is any appeal in being with him. And definitely get rid of all the pictures

Didn't realise garlic bread was so special/hard to come by that it could be used as a bartering tool for naked photos?! How very strange. Send him a message saying, okay, just getting a photo ready... then send him a photo of you giving the middle finger 😉

I am disabled. I run my own business. If your DH is able to send creepy texts and do some housework, he can support himself. The Government would pay him PIP and employment support allowance if he is that disabled. Do not send pics but keep his messages as evidence for the court. Divorce him as he will wear you down over the years. There are access to work grants from the Government to enabled disabled people to work. All sorts of training schemes and reasonable adjustments. He will erode your mental health and you cannot have any respect for this man when he wants sexting and all that nonsense.

What he is doing to you is beyond awful, and the fact he doesn't get it even after you telling him! Who tf thinks they deserve a 'treat' for buying some garlic bread from the shop!?

I read this recently. Coercive control is very much taken seriously by the police. This case is slightly different to yours as I believe the victim was in their teens when they met, and he was convicted of rape, but they did take into account the controlling nature of the relationship.

https://www.salisburyjournal.co.uk/news/23437081.salisbury-man-convicted-rape-receives-12-years-prison/?fbclid=IwAR1a22KZcETDMLSZIIwuSMfi3T1dnDGimCDu9znqsugqN96R-YNhNJIY4rc

Where was I being “funny” or “jolly” about this?!
How was I “normalising” and “being jokey” about it?!

Yes I can see I need some professional assistance with this and that it is serious.

Of course you don't have to support him for life. Leave him, it's a pity you didn't years ago, don't waste any more time!

You will be so much happier without this prick! Good luck op

What have I just read?? If you want him to get garlic bread to go with your tea, you’ve got to send him a naked picture??? That is just beyond hideous op. He is controlling you from afar and demanding you do things that he knows you don’t like. Rancid twat!!!!! Stop it now, today. Tell him that there will be no more pictures and you don’t give a flying fuck how cross he gets about it. He can fuck off to the far side of fucksville. I’m angry for you op, this is awful!!!

Good luck OP. He sounds stomach churning.

Is he so far into his own world that he does not realise that his behaviour has got so unreasonable. So beyond limits of acceptability. So extreme. Even if he has stopped short of violence.
If he genuinely doesn't realise this. He will not change. That is a very serious aspect.

The idea of a "reward" by way of a sext is revolting

It's almost as if he's blackmailing you

He sounds repulsive

Would you still be required to pay him if you reported him to the police for sexual harassment? Divorce, report and hopefully a no contact agreement would stop you paying?

No they don’t. Nobody else needs to know.