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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

332 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
Lovelyring · 06/04/2023 10:22

I don't understand your logic for not leaving. Surely whether you stay or leave you'll be supporting him forever? But if you stay you also have to spend more time with him.

PrettyMaybug · 06/04/2023 10:22

@Ralphiesaurus

I know you said don't say LTB, but this really is a situation where you really need to. He's toxic, and controlling, and narcissistic, and borderline sociopathic. You really need to get your ducks in a row and start finding a way to get out of this relationship. It will destroy you.

I know people have different opinions on this, but there's no way in a million years that I would do any nude selfies or nude photographs for anybody. Nope. Not even my husband of 25 years plus. Never have, never would. You might say, 'if you had trust you would do it...' But I'm sorry, I don't trust anybody 100%, not even my husband. I trust him 99%, but what if we fell out or split up? How do I know he won't share the photos? If someone is hurt and angry and upset, they are capable of ANYthing.

PLUS, I know someone who showed my DH a photo the other day on his phone (at the pub - an acquaintance of his,) of a work colleague's wife. (The work colleague had sent it to this acquaintance of DH's.) She was totally naked, and blindfolded on the bed, with her legs open, everything showing, boobs, vulva, everything, and this man had taken a photo of her.

She knew he was taking it and believed it was just for HIS titillation, and here he is sending it to work colleagues, who are sending it to other men they know, who are showing it to other men in the pub. At LEAST half a dozen men have it now, and many more have seen it. This man in the pub asked if my DH wanted him to send it to him. He said 'no I fucking don't. I don't want some other man's wife's vulva on my phone ta...!' You can't trust anyone. Not 100%. Nope. Not even your husband/partner.

Itsbytheby · 06/04/2023 10:22

Gross. I cannot imagine how put off I would be if DH did this while I was away with my DC. I wouldn't go back. Leave op, there is literally nothing to be gained by staying.

Lovelyring · 06/04/2023 10:23

Ps I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to send nudes. I did a boudoir photo shoot and loved it but wouldn't send selfie nudes - so unflattering regardless of the danger of them being shared etc! And that's with a DH I love.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2023 10:25

He's coercive around sex! Has he/does he make you do things you don't want to do?

Please put yourself first. Get a new solicitor. There's no way you'd be expected to financially support him . You need to leave for your own sanity.

What's your housing situation, in both names/joint?

Inertia · 06/04/2023 10:25

I suspect he’s demanding the pictures and messages in order to blackmail you if you try to leave.

You need legal advice, and should consider seeking support from women’s aid groups too.

His behaviour is coercive, and demanding you send naked pictures while he knows you are away with your teenage daughter is utterly nauseating.

upwefly · 06/04/2023 10:27

In the short term, block him on your phone (when he acts like this) if he is literally pestering you like that treat him like any other pest. Long term, I really would seek alternative advice, that just sounds miserable op.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 06/04/2023 10:28

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP I don't want to alarm you but the fact he has a fetish for this and the fact he is so persistent, makes me worry he might be one of these guys "trading" images/video of their partners without their knowledge. So he may not want the images for his own "consumption", but to share online with other men who will then share their own "private" collection with him. This behaviour is incredibly addictive and it happens more than you might think, not just among teens - I have a friend whose pensioner relative was taking sexual pictures of his wife without her knowledge and sharing online. Please protect yourself.

PlainSkyr · 06/04/2023 10:28

Before you do anything else please get his phone/PC and delete permanently all the past pics you've sent him.

He holds the trump card here - anything you do to antagonise him can backfire.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 06/04/2023 10:28

And, yes, obviously, leave him because he is a disgusting creep and abuser. I'd happily pay for life to keep that away from me and my children.

Blort · 06/04/2023 10:31

I'd definitely get a second legal opinion before committing to spending my life with an abusive man incapable of looking after himself or the family.

Its worth £200 to be sure, right?

BitchBrigade · 06/04/2023 10:31

Sexual coercion is a form of control and abuse OP. Him getting in a shit mood until you send him nude pics is something you absolutely 100% need to mention to a solicitor and maybe even discuss with Womens aid.

Making threats because you are going to leave him is also controlling and abusive and needs to be mentioned to Womens Aid and a solicitor.

I cannot fucking stand the "get your ducks in a row" shit that's thrown around here too easily but GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW. I am willing to bet actual money that if you sit down and look at the definitions of what consists as spousal abuse and really think long and hard about your Husbands past and present behaviour you will recognise that he is probably a fully encompassing abusive twat who uses being disabled as an excuse to be an abusive twat, and has been for years.

Go to Womens Aid and get the fuck out. You only have ONE life OP.

billy1966 · 06/04/2023 10:32

Inertia · 06/04/2023 10:25

I suspect he’s demanding the pictures and messages in order to blackmail you if you try to leave.

You need legal advice, and should consider seeking support from women’s aid groups too.

His behaviour is coercive, and demanding you send naked pictures while he knows you are away with your teenage daughter is utterly nauseating.

You need new legal advice with his messages and threats to you.

He is an abusive freak.

Please get on to Women's aid for support.

Do not trust him.

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 10:32

Your wording is also off op. You said you “rebelled” . No you didn’t, you are an adult woman with agency over her own actions. He is not your parent. You simply said no, it is not an act of rebellion.

rebellion is when you resist authority or a leader. It is absolutely not saying no to your husband. Unless maybe you’re Amish.

Blort · 06/04/2023 10:32

Besides which you already financially support him as well as sharing your home, children, life and by the sounds of it still, your body?

Surely paying him maintenance would be cheaper than the cost of all that?

BitchBrigade · 06/04/2023 10:33

Oh I think one of the glaring points here OP is if you are in an abusive and controlling relationship and can prove that, no one is going to make you financially support his sorry arse.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/04/2023 10:34

unfortunately lifetime spousal maintenance is a thing - a very good friend of mine is trying to fight this is court now but it’s doesn’t look like he’ll win. He’s paying her a fortune monthly and his kids are mid 30’s!

sorry op - I really hope you leave him without paying anything!

BlackFlyChardonnay · 06/04/2023 10:34

This post has made me feel quite sick.

alittlequinnie · 06/04/2023 10:37

I think you should leave OP - and suck up the spousal maintenance...

... but I don't understand why everybody is telling you that you won't have to pay!

My daughter is disabled - got married - husband wanted a divorce. She too was told that her husband would have to pay spousal maintenance until she remarried as he couldn't just walk about and leave his disabled wife "high and dry".....

.... so rather than pay spousal maintenance to her they agreed that she would keep the entire house and he would be given a small lump sum from it to pay for a new house deposit for him - and then pay child maintenance until children were 18.

This was only 2 years ago.

You might not have to pay loads depending on earnings and circumstances but I think it is wrong for people to say you won't have to pay it!

liveforsummer · 06/04/2023 10:37

Ugh. Had this with a couple of men. It's vile and they get obsessed with it. Especially ones who have nothing better to do with their time than sit at home while you are busy going about your life. I remember a final straw being ex insisting I got him a nude pic when I was out with young at the time dc for a day out at the races and sulking when i refused. 🙄 we were actually on the verge of reconciling after being split but that in a way was my saviour that changed everything. You need to free yourself too

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 10:39

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/04/2023 10:34

unfortunately lifetime spousal maintenance is a thing - a very good friend of mine is trying to fight this is court now but it’s doesn’t look like he’ll win. He’s paying her a fortune monthly and his kids are mid 30’s!

sorry op - I really hope you leave him without paying anything!

It’s rarely a thing and the op will need to be quite wealthy for it to be a thing as she needs to be able to keep a home for her and the kids,

op he’s an abusive weirdo creep. And the fact he’s furious you won’t demean yourself for him is heinous.

this isn’t he wants a photo of you in the scud. This is he wants reassurance he’s in control of you and he can make you demean yourself at his whim, that’s why he’s furious

MelsMoneyTree · 06/04/2023 10:40

Which country are you in? The legal advice sounds inaccurate. Get a different lawyer.

PeanutButterCrumpet · 06/04/2023 10:45

Please seek another solicitor, advice you recieve and the law has changed. I understand this is very difficult, I work within the domestic abuse field and his behaviour including constant requests for sex texting, images and intimidation and threats regarding the taking the children is domestic abuse, and a new law has come into effect which recognises coercive control. I think you will have enough evidence from your text messages to demonstrate this. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/.

Please seek help from a solicitor for seperation, also you can seek advice from domestic abuse charities such as Women's aid or your local DA charity. If he attempts to post images in the internet, there is a law regarding this..revenge pornography and he will be prosecuted, if he even threatens, tell the police and go to a solicitor.

I am sorry you are experiencing this, you do have options with a solicitor to support you, and I hope you feel able to gain support from family and friends.

Coercive control - Women’s Aid

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2023 11:37

Surely being a sex pest is illegal. I know that coercive control is. I agree that you need another solicitor. You can absolutely argue that his behaviour and the extra burdens you carry due to his disability contributed to your mental health and alcoholism at the time. You can probably also prove that your mental health is stronger as a result of having taken control of your drinking and you have realised the connection between the two and that he had been weaponising a symptom of his own malevolent impact on your long-term well-being to control you. (Very common.) Perhaps Women’s Aid could help you. You have supported him. One child has left for uni. You have a lot more going for you than you think.

LexMitior · 06/04/2023 11:45

I don't think you need to support him for life, but you need specialist advice.

But you would be the poorer on divorce and I imagine that you would have to pay some spousal maintenance if you had the money to do so.

Unless he's been signed off from work forever, the arguments not been had yet.