Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

[Ralphiesaurus]

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

Get better legal advice - the kids are older now as well

Spousal maintenance isn't awarded unless you earn a fuck tonne of money op. You may get awarded a lower % of marital assets in a divorce if you are the main earner, but he will also be expected to claim full benefits (and work on top if able to do something/anything to increase his income)

Get a different solicitor.

No more nudes.

Ltb.

You only get one life. It isn't worth it. Get rid and see a different solicitor.

You need more ( better ) advice, see a different solicitor.
I'd rather pay a lump sum over monthly spousal support but would still rather that than get texts like he sends, honestly made me gip, who does he think he is? 🤢

Oh fuck me. Get out of there.

Someone correct me if I'm wrong with this, but coercive control wasn't actually illegal back in 2016 when you first got legal advice? The advice you get now may be very different...

You need to speak to another solicitor OP.

Tell him to fuck off and if he asks for one more photo, you'll be blocking him on your phone for a bit.

I was thinking this too

He's sexually abusing you. And coercive control like pp said. See another solicitor, look at Women's Aid for advice/Freedom Programme etc.

While this would be horrible, it would also be very illegal of him.

Sexual coercion is repugnant. You're already financially supporting him. I'm sure that anything you would be expected to pay would be significantly lower.

LTB. your youngest is 14 now, he doesn't have the threat of taking the children away anymore.

Try a different solicitor for a start, but also make sure he hasn't saved your naked selfies etc!

Another saying get rid of him, you deserve so much better.
Reason 362 to never send nude pics to dp or dh you never know what might happen in the future.

God he sounds utterly grim.

Divorce him. Get a good solicitor, push for a clean break. Spousal is highly unlikely unless you are a very high earner.

Get rid

If the first solicitor was right then your choices are:

1. Stay with him (supporting him forever as I assume you pay for most things, having to put up with his vileness, living in a repressed state, teaching your daughters that this is fine)
2. Leave him(supporting him forever, but free and away from his vileness, you never have to see him again apart from maybe a wedding or two, no more sex pest, no more moods).

I genuinely can only see one option.

See another solicitor and keep the texts emails that he sends asking you to send pics. Also make sure in the texts you say no every time and use this against him in your divorce. He could be prosecuted for it if you want to.

Don't put up with this abuse any longer.

As another poster said she is paying off her exes debt, so am I, but it's worth the split.

A good lawyer will help you. Shop around.

Why the hell would you want to stay married to an abusive creep like that?

He sounds vile.

Don’t send nudes - he’ll use them against you at some point.
Get a good solicitor and LTB.

Things have changed over time OP. I don't think you'd be expected to maintain him for life because he could claim benefits. Much more likely a clean break. You'd probably have to share your pension though. Your kids are almost grown so you should be fine. He sounds a nasty little bully demanding nude pics of you. How do you know he does not share them online or swap pics of you for other pics? I'd be checking his phone if I could get in.

This is exactly my thinking.

Don't send nudes. If you get divorced and he gets angry he could post them anywhere.

Why would you have to support him. Spousal support doesn't exist unless you're extremely well off and he raised the children to support your career , does it?

Why would you support him? You didn't cause his disabilities.

As for the nudes 🤮 I'd have to block him until I got home.