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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

154 replies

gallina · 06/04/2023 08:22

Over the past year my partners family have been awful to me and said some vile things behind my back,

I had a miscarriage just before Christmas and they said I was lying about it because I didn't have a scan picture, as one example.

They are from abroad and want to visit within the next month. Partner has asked me to collect them from the train station as a taxi will be too expensive.

I've not been included in any plans, don't know exactly when they're coming and when he mentioned they were going to visit i told him I want nothing to do with it. He didn't even say please can I pick them up just can I.

Aibu to just tell the lot of them to fuck off? I don't want to see them at all.

OP posts:
dancerdog · 06/04/2023 11:45

Do not 'kill them with kindness', they will just walk all over you.

briancormorant · 06/04/2023 11:57

Make sure you move the car and keep the keys and documents safe. Remove the risk of one of the visitors driving it.

Turfwars · 06/04/2023 12:00

So they've only ever met you over video call - we can assume then that the big list of reasons why they hate you is all down to what he has told them about you.

That's not good and doesn't bode well for long term respect and harmony in a marriage. His respect for you appears to be long gone, if it ever existed and you can't continue to respect someone who clearly bitches about you behind your back either.

Jagoda · 06/04/2023 12:04

I’m also in the fuck them and dump him camp.

I would find out exactly when they are coming, and secretly book myself and DC off on holiday or to stay with friends or family for the duration. If you’re not properly included or consulted on the visit, why would you just be available?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 12:04

LookItsMeAgain · 06/04/2023 11:27

I got as far as your post this morning at 08:34 and this comment by you @gallina :
"Since then I've also found out they said to him i am the worst of all his exs, and god knows what else."

How many Ex's does he have?

Is there a trend in what is making them Ex's???

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think the trend or common denominator is HIM and HIS family! I'd say the Ex's are perfectly fine people but when combined with HIM and HIS FAMILY, they know their boundaries, they stand firm by their boundaries and when he or his family can't trample all over them, they are the 'worst in the world'. Would I be right?

My thoughts exactly. I think this is spot on. I think he is the common denominator and has form for running to mummy to complain, and when the shit hits the fan the blame always lands on the ex for standing up to them.

ALLIS0N · 06/04/2023 12:17

gallina · 06/04/2023 08:57

The soft side of me is thinking be the bigger person, embarrass them, he hasn't seen them for 3 years due to covid and work commitments.

But the real me is thinking nah fuck you, and your mother.

He can't drive that's why he's asked me, the way I see it is that should be not involving me in their plans at all when they think so low of me.

I just need to get everything straight in my head before I respond. (Haven't seen him in person since he asked he's at work)

You don’t need to stop him seeing his mother. You can just choose to to be involved.

Go and stat with a friend / family member when they are here. You can just say that your friend / relative is unwell and you have to visits to help them.

Leave the kids with their father ( unless it’s a baby of course ). Enjoy a child free weekend.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 12:26

Your DH doesn't seem to have your back at all. I would get rid of them and throw him after them!

Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 12:28

My response to being asked to do a favour for people who have shown me nothing but contempt would be something along the lines of "you have got to be fucking kidding me."

Goneblank38 · 06/04/2023 12:29

Pollywoddles · 06/04/2023 08:25

I don’t think I could be with a man who allowed his family to do this and then tried to make me run around after them.

Totally agree

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 06/04/2023 12:35

Re them possibly wanting your DP to want to move back to his native country - do your children have passports?

whynotwhatknot · 06/04/2023 12:51

Theyve never met you-so all their opinions is basedon what he tells them nothing else

think about that

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 12:51

@Wishimaywishimight that was my first response although I still haven't answered him yet. Didn't want to jump straight in with fuck right off....

@ChateauxNeufDePoop they don't have passports, both are under two. They've never been away from me, I'm still on maternity leave.

Sorry I can't remember who asked but I'm not sure if the sister is old enough to hire a car here, she's 24. The mother can't drive. But again that's not my problem and something they should be sorting out themselves.

Thank you everyone for your responses I'm really taking it all in

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 06/04/2023 13:12

Maybe he's coming at this from an angle of 'if she helps them out they might warm to her' but surely he can see that the situation can also be viewed as you being not good enough for them to spend time with/include you in plans but you are fine to skiv for them?!

They've treated you really terribly and there is literally no need for you to ferry them about!

I really hope your DH comes home tonight with an apology and a LOT of understanding!!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 06/04/2023 13:21

Your DP sounds bloody awful! Every time you have an argument he slags you off to his family?! Well no wonder they have a horrible picture of you, as that’s what he’s told them.

I don’t blame the family as much as I blame him as he’s probably saying to them “oh gallina doesn’t do this etc and is like this” so they’re taking it at face value.

For years my stepdad who’s from Ireland had let it be known to his family that he’d supported my DM and me and DB when that was far from the case. He earned far less than DM, didn’t have much in the way of assets and bought a flat (seaside) only as an investment and as he was otherwise wasting money. The family house for years was in DM’s sole name as she’d bought it, paid and overpaid the mortgage, yes he paid rent and bills but she supported herself and us as DC. To hear what his family said, he went to see them once a year without us, he’d told them he supported us all and of course DM didn’t know until one of them let it slip and she put them right. Stepdad benefited a lot from 2 very big family inheritances from DM, his own family had nothing to leave him so he didn’t inherit.

I’d let your DP fuck back off to his own country and make a new life there. With his own family’s involvement.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 06/04/2023 13:26

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:18

Yeah then it’s nothing to do with you personally per se. Likely because you aren’t married but have two kids and aren’t a catholic. I understand why you feel so upset, I’m not saying they are right at all, however this is probably your best opportunity to try and build a relationship. Your partner is always going to have loyalty to his own family too. As I say I wouldn’t be bending over backwards but I would be showing willingness to at least be civil. At the end of the day they don’t know you know about the PRIVATE conversation between mother and son. I understand it hurt you but a mother and child should be able to have frank honest conversations between themselves. It’s not your fault you found out either. You can either start anew or keep going down this path.

Show quote history

This is exactly the situation with my stepdad and DM, they never married but stepdad’s mum disliked my DM because she was a divorcee and not Catholic. Stepdad never wanted to get married and DM didn’t want a third husband.

When stepdad’s mum’s grandchildren met girlfriends and had DC she always referred to them as wives and being married, though they only married after having DC.

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 13:30

Funny you should say that, as when she has referred to me in normal conversations she will refer to me as wife or daughter in law.

That's when I'm not being bitched about, the rest of the time she will message asking how him and the kids are, merry Christmas to him and the kids but no mention of me.

OP posts:
Octopusmittens · 06/04/2023 13:31

Absolutely tell them to fuck off and tell him to go with them.

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2023 13:44

Next thing I would be doing is a prohibited steps order to ensure that no passports are sneakily arranged behind your back, @gallina. Also ensure that the kids’ birth certs are maybe stored at a trusted friend or relative’s place so they can’t “accidentally” be misplaced - or so you can’t be gaslit into believing you’ve misplaced them, only to find MIL has taken them back with her.

Jagoda · 06/04/2023 13:48

Anyone can order anybody else’s birth certificate online.

The best way to resolve unwanted international travel is for OP to apply for passports without telling DP, then keep them safe outside her home.

Hopefully things aren’t quite this bad though!!!

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2023 13:54

I would do that… assuming @gallina lives in UK and the kids are British citizens, that should work well for them, but as they probably have dual citizenship, applying for a prohibited steps order just in case is not a stupid idea if he is being weaselly behind OP’s back. At least the British Embassy would be notified if another passport was applied for, etc, and I would assume OP would find out.

menopausalbloat · 06/04/2023 13:55

My ex-MIL was horrible to me too.
She phoned me after we split up to tell me how sorry she was.
It's a horrible situation to be in especially when kids are involved.

Dinoswearunderpants · 06/04/2023 14:00

I'd love to know what country they're from? It sounds so odd. Wonder if it's a cultural thing?

Sorry you're in this position. I can see you being used as a taxi service for them the whole time.

I haven't read all the comments but will they be staying with you? If so, you have every right to know the plans.

From the sound of it, your partner is just as bad as they are.

bossonext · 06/04/2023 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No, I think saying people shouldn't date outside their own skin colour is quite racist.

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/04/2023 14:26

Hi OP,

Some good suggestions on here. I’d go with applying for passports for the DC and keeping them safe with a friend along with other important documentation. Tidy up and put any paperwork away safely that you wouldn’t like them to read or see (some people really do look through others' mail).

You could see how it goes when they come over to spend some time with the DC. They have been biased against you and it may not be entirely their doing as he does appear to have been stirring. Have a backup plan. Is there someone/somewhere you could escape to with the DC at short notice if the atmosphere is horrid? Have an overnight bag packed in the boot of your car, both sets of keys in your bag just in case.

With regard to responding to his message, it is possible he wants to paint you as the bad person who is saying “no”, so I wouldn’t do that. I’d throw it back to him in a question instead. Something like:

“Why are you asking me to collect people who have been so nasty to me? Do you wish to see me be treated badly? What did you tell them to drive them against me? I don’t even know when they are arriving and where they are staying, so how could I possibly do this?”

Fernticket · 06/04/2023 14:48

I see a PP has suggested leaving the DC with the partner and in-laws for the weekend. Please don't do this OP. It will be used against you, possibly as a reason to take them away....