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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

154 replies

gallina · 06/04/2023 08:22

Over the past year my partners family have been awful to me and said some vile things behind my back,

I had a miscarriage just before Christmas and they said I was lying about it because I didn't have a scan picture, as one example.

They are from abroad and want to visit within the next month. Partner has asked me to collect them from the train station as a taxi will be too expensive.

I've not been included in any plans, don't know exactly when they're coming and when he mentioned they were going to visit i told him I want nothing to do with it. He didn't even say please can I pick them up just can I.

Aibu to just tell the lot of them to fuck off? I don't want to see them at all.

OP posts:
wlakbvc · 06/04/2023 09:57

I'd pick them up and then drop them off at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere, then I'd divorce him 😁

starfishmummy · 06/04/2023 09:59

They're staying in a hotel. Don't know which one as I say I've not been included in any of this. Don't know exactly when they're coming or how long for.

Are you sure about the hotel? Could he be planning they stay at your home?

CoinsinaJar · 06/04/2023 10:00

Just seen they're staying in a hotel. Well, the local taxi company will know where it is and can take them there from the station. Please do not go down the "bigger person" route. They are clearly not the sort of people who would be embarrassed by that at all: they will just think they can be vile and get away with it.

Tell your DP to move into the hotel with them and change the locks while he's gone!!

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 10:02

Don't do it.

Dustybarn · 06/04/2023 10:02

So they will tolerate your presence while you play taxi but you’re not good enough to be included in their arrangements and DP hasn’t even bothered to tell you where they are staying or for how long? Sorry but it doesn’t sound like anyone in that family respects you much. Tell him that it’s a firm no and ask how he can even expect you to do it as you are excluded from all the events. They can pay for a taxi!

Wedoronron · 06/04/2023 10:05

I would go away for the duration of their visit and explain why.

funinthesun19 · 06/04/2023 10:07

Do you have anyone you can stay with while they are here? I'd refuse to be there if it was me.

Even better, could they stay in a hotel and he sees them out of the house?

SageYourResoluteOracle · 06/04/2023 10:11

My ExH’s family were like this with me… but waited until we were married to show their true colours. I was gaslit by them. My H also refused to talk about them… clammed up. It was as if he was helpless and just felt their toxic behaviour was to be expected so we weren’t to question. He always, always stuck up for them and never afforded me the same loyalty. Our marriage ended for a plethora of reasons… classic death by a thousand cuts … but how he allowed his family to treat me and also how I was always the bad guy was a part of it. His mother would constantly change travel plans and never actually be honest about when she was coming or how long she’d stay. When I was in hospital, she sat at the end of my bed for 7 hours straight one day … silently and with a look of utter disdain. I was pregnant and had early onset pre-eclampsia so some days hooked up to a fetal heart monitor for 7 hours apart from being allowed off to use the loo. She flounced as I said I had a friend coming who’d travelled several hours to visit me and that I’d like a bit of time with her. My ExH scurried off after her and didn’t ever stick up for me. My BP was so high that night that my consultant expressly instructed that ExMIL was never to visit again. This is just one example in a long line. He couldn’t drive either so…

Anyway. The relief at not having to navigate things like that whilst feeling alone even when married is huge. Life is so much better now for me and my daughter but I get that leaving is difficult when there are children.

HuggyWuggy · 06/04/2023 10:14

He is a massive loser. Get rid of him. Where are his family from?

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2023 10:14

Get rid of your useless partner.

Middletoleft · 06/04/2023 10:16

They sound appalling. They're not staying with you are they?

Personally, I'd blank the entire family for the duration.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/04/2023 10:17

Pollywoddles · 06/04/2023 08:25

I don’t think I could be with a man who allowed his family to do this and then tried to make me run around after them.

Definitely this. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 10:18

No @Marchforward he didn't message me questioning the miscarriage, his family were questioning it - and he accidentally sends a reply to me instead of them, it mentioned the gynaecology ward I was on and that's when I was like wtf is going on.

They're definitely not staying here as there isn't the space.

Surely he should know I'm not going to do it, why even ask me in the first place. He clearly agrees with them and also thinks I can be treat like shit and will still continue to run around after them.

To be honest we do get on well but all of this shit and seeing how he doesn't have my back is really making my question if I even love him any more

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 06/04/2023 10:21

Pollywoddles · 06/04/2023 08:25

I don’t think I could be with a man who allowed his family to do this and then tried to make me run around after them.

100%

Why are you still with this horrible excuse for a husband/man?

SeemsSoUnfair · 06/04/2023 10:24

His family will behave the way he allows them to behave - he sets the tone.

It is a basic minimum to expect your partner to not even entertain the conversation about a scan picture or anything like that.

Do not put your energies into the issues around with his family, or this one trip, your problem are bigger that that - it is all a narrative he has made, I don't know if it because he never cut the apron strings and became a man, or if his over inflated ego enjoys the attention from both you and mummy, but either way it is not healthy for you or your children who will also have to navigate these undercurrents and as they grow will probably pick up and emulate the lack of respect you are given. Expect the teen years to be very difficult if you allow this to continue.

ArtixLynx · 06/04/2023 10:31

tbh, i'd be tempted to tell him he can go stay in the hotel with them for the duration of the stay, and have a long hard think about whether you want him back home afterwards.

foulksmills · 06/04/2023 10:33

Tell them to "vaya al infierno", all of them, DH included.

SeemsSoUnfair · 06/04/2023 10:34

To be honest we do get on well.......

Only because his family live too far away and you are not normally privy to the regular conversations he is having about you. What you have seen is just the tip of the iceberg of what is going on. As time goes on, this parallel narrative and the negative conversations about his relationship with his family will grow as he will struggle to keep them separate.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 06/04/2023 10:40

Where are they from ? I’m wondering about cultural expectations .
mom your shoes I would stay well away from them and they can get their own transport.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 10:42

So he was part of the conversation questioning your miscarriage and wasn’t going to tell you about it, and from your second post it appears that he personally accused you of lying about it ? There have been other things said about you that he’s been privy to, but he refuses to discuss anything and shuts you down when you question him ?

And now your toxic in laws are coming to visit, he hasn’t given you any details about when, or how long, and he expects you to be as hypocritical as he is by tending to their needs and pretending everything’s just fine for the duration of the visit ? Bloody hell OP, how long are you going to let this man wipe his feet on you before you stop being a doormat ?

Your in laws are toxic and he’s facilitating their behaviour. I don’t care how well you get along, he hasn’t got your back, and I would be questioning his support if the shit really hit the fan. There is no good outcome here unless he has a massive change of attitude, and I think you have the evidence in front of you that that isn’t going to happen. Only you can decide what you want to do about it.

BlackFlyChardonnay · 06/04/2023 10:44

Op, why would they think you may have lied about the miscarriage?

I mean, obviously they are arseholes, but I'm trying to establish whether they always accuse you of lying, or they think you'd have something to gain by lying, or... I don't know.

Abracadabra28 · 06/04/2023 10:47

I have a difficult relationship with my in laws mainly because theyre completely awful. There might be different cultural behaviours/expectations at play here. But they're not your family and you're under no obligation to pick them up. So I would make a stand, tell your husband that he can arrange a taxi or they can arrange their own taxi. As you've not been included in any of their travel plans, you yourself have made your own plans. I think you reach an age in your life where you don't have to put up with other people's shit, so don't put up with it. If your husband doesnt like it, tough shit. You're not a taxi service. You don't have to engage at all with his family.
I'm happy for my in laws to have a relationship with my son but my husband can facilitate that. I don't tolerate rudeness. I challenge bad behaviour. Once you stick up for yourself you will find that either they behave better or they f**k off completely.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/04/2023 10:48

BlackFlyChardonnay · 06/04/2023 10:44

Op, why would they think you may have lied about the miscarriage?

I mean, obviously they are arseholes, but I'm trying to establish whether they always accuse you of lying, or they think you'd have something to gain by lying, or... I don't know.

I wondered that too. It’s like they’re after definitive proof that there was a pregnancy at all, and I can’t work out why they would even think they’re entitled to such personal and distressing information. Sounds quite sinister to be honest.

OhmygodDont · 06/04/2023 10:48

Nah fuck them. In fact I’d be tempted if I had the money to book myself or myself and my children a little break when they arrived. Because I’m petty af.

Why would think you’re lying you’ve got two children not exactly a baby trap by now.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/04/2023 10:50

Abracadabra28 · 06/04/2023 10:47

I have a difficult relationship with my in laws mainly because theyre completely awful. There might be different cultural behaviours/expectations at play here. But they're not your family and you're under no obligation to pick them up. So I would make a stand, tell your husband that he can arrange a taxi or they can arrange their own taxi. As you've not been included in any of their travel plans, you yourself have made your own plans. I think you reach an age in your life where you don't have to put up with other people's shit, so don't put up with it. If your husband doesnt like it, tough shit. You're not a taxi service. You don't have to engage at all with his family.
I'm happy for my in laws to have a relationship with my son but my husband can facilitate that. I don't tolerate rudeness. I challenge bad behaviour. Once you stick up for yourself you will find that either they behave better or they f**k off completely.

This

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