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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

154 replies

gallina · 06/04/2023 08:22

Over the past year my partners family have been awful to me and said some vile things behind my back,

I had a miscarriage just before Christmas and they said I was lying about it because I didn't have a scan picture, as one example.

They are from abroad and want to visit within the next month. Partner has asked me to collect them from the train station as a taxi will be too expensive.

I've not been included in any plans, don't know exactly when they're coming and when he mentioned they were going to visit i told him I want nothing to do with it. He didn't even say please can I pick them up just can I.

Aibu to just tell the lot of them to fuck off? I don't want to see them at all.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 06/04/2023 10:50

I wonder if the dh is slagging op and their relationship behind her back tbh with the mc thing.

Parents maybe thinking a divorce is near but oh look just as it’s getting close op has a mc so he cant leave her now not just yet. But I’m a pessimistic asshole 😂

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2023 10:51

No I won’t be picking them up from the flight noone has told me about to take them to the hotel no one has told me where is. I don’t think they would want to get in a car with me so I’m doing them a favour by not going but maybe they could call one or your exes that they like so much more than me.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 10:52

Not a chance in hell I'd see them on their visit, let alone pick them up

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 10:53

@gallina what did they mean by you are the worst of all his exes? Were you split up at the time you had the miscarriage?
If you don’t want to give them a lift don’t. Seems a very high conflict relationship all round. Really as you don’t get on the only consideration really is how you/their father facilitate the children’s relationship with their grandparents.

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 11:00

I think they want him to leave and go back to that country and start again. I have no proof in that but it's just what I think.

Theyre toxic nasty people, I really think that every time we have a disagreement he slags me off to his mother rather than discuss anything and resolve it with me.

I have no idea why they think I'd lie about something so distressing especially after we already have two children. He knows I'm not lying he witnessed it all. He should have defended me and shut it down the second they tried to imply otherwise.

We haven't split up and were together when she made the comment about the exes, I think the way it was put was that out of all the relationships he's had i am the worst. Sorry it's the way I worded it, I have the two kids climbing on me.

I don't have anything to do with them now so that can only have formed that opinion on me based on what he's saying to them behind my back surely

OP posts:
ThisIsWednesday · 06/04/2023 11:05

gallina · 06/04/2023 08:53

I don't know how far he challenged them because he won't talk about it. Any discussion about them and he completely shuts down it's really strange.

They had an argument and didn't speak for a while, don't know what was said.

@bitcharming I would absolutely love this I'd give them a toot too 😂😂

That tells me exactly what he said to them. Nothing or worse, agreement, whether he believes them or is just bitching about you to keep the peace and not fall out with them.

The fact that my partner would shit down and refuse to talk about something (doesn't matter what it is) would put me right off him. I'm afraid I would, small kids or not, not want to be with him anymore.

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:08

How often has you met them? Is there is cultural or religious difference between you or is it because you aren’t married and have a family? The reality is you don’t have to like them or take abuse but they are your husband’s family and your children’s family. I know the advice here is always f them but it’s only going to cause arguments w your partner. I wouldn’t put myself out for them at all but I would absolutely kill them with kindness. You being unfriendly to them only gives them more ammunition.

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:08

*have

kateluvscats · 06/04/2023 11:09

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:08

How often has you met them? Is there is cultural or religious difference between you or is it because you aren’t married and have a family? The reality is you don’t have to like them or take abuse but they are your husband’s family and your children’s family. I know the advice here is always f them but it’s only going to cause arguments w your partner. I wouldn’t put myself out for them at all but I would absolutely kill them with kindness. You being unfriendly to them only gives them more ammunition.

Fuck that

EndOfEternity · 06/04/2023 11:10

If you see your DP as your long term/ life partner be careful about completely blanking his family. Could you tell him you can’t commit to picking them up until you’ve been able to talk the situation through with him (when DC are asleep)?
If when you discuss it he doesn’t seem to have your back in sorting it with his family you can’t be expected to run them around. There has to be give and take from DP too.

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 11:11

This is what I was thinking @Eyerollcentral

I've never met them in person only ever video call. He hasn't seen them in the last 3 years nearly 4.

They're catholic, from another European country.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:12

kateluvscats · 06/04/2023 11:09

Fuck that

Show quote history

You must be great at conflict resolution.

Original poster
gallina · 06/04/2023 11:13

@EndOfEternity I don't know if I see him as my partner for life any more. I obviously did at some point to have children but not any more.

I think his reaction when I tell him no will make the decision for me

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 06/04/2023 11:14

gallina · 06/04/2023 11:00

I think they want him to leave and go back to that country and start again. I have no proof in that but it's just what I think.

Theyre toxic nasty people, I really think that every time we have a disagreement he slags me off to his mother rather than discuss anything and resolve it with me.

I have no idea why they think I'd lie about something so distressing especially after we already have two children. He knows I'm not lying he witnessed it all. He should have defended me and shut it down the second they tried to imply otherwise.

We haven't split up and were together when she made the comment about the exes, I think the way it was put was that out of all the relationships he's had i am the worst. Sorry it's the way I worded it, I have the two kids climbing on me.

I don't have anything to do with them now so that can only have formed that opinion on me based on what he's saying to them behind my back surely

It just gets worse doesn’t it ? You realise that your suspicions are confirmed by the very fact that they know so much about you and are so critical of you when you have little or nothing to do with them. He’s complicit in all of this. For now, I would tell him that since they seem to think so much of all his exes, maybe he can contact one of them to see if they can pick them up !! I would also be asking myself how they arrived at the conclusion that you’re the ‘worst’ of his exes. It suggests they have form for this kind of behaviour and maybe that’s why they are all exes - I’d have a very low threshold to becoming another one of them.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 11:15

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:12

You must be great at conflict resolution.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:18

gallina · 06/04/2023 11:11

This is what I was thinking @Eyerollcentral

I've never met them in person only ever video call. He hasn't seen them in the last 3 years nearly 4.

They're catholic, from another European country.

Yeah then it’s nothing to do with you personally per se. Likely because you aren’t married but have two kids and aren’t a catholic. I understand why you feel so upset, I’m not saying they are right at all, however this is probably your best opportunity to try and build a relationship. Your partner is always going to have loyalty to his own family too. As I say I wouldn’t be bending over backwards but I would be showing willingness to at least be civil. At the end of the day they don’t know you know about the PRIVATE conversation between mother and son. I understand it hurt you but a mother and child should be able to have frank honest conversations between themselves. It’s not your fault you found out either. You can either start anew or keep going down this path.

Equalitea · 06/04/2023 11:19

Why is the taxi expense your problem? If you’re done. You’re done. You can’t be expected to be taxi and then be done because what about the next time they need something from you?!
They are adults so can take responsibility for themselves? Or OH can if he so chooses!

If your in laws have been saying bad things about you then your OH has allowed (or even encouraged) it. That’s a complete lack of respect and loyalty in my opinion, but if you’re still speaking to him why don’t you want to speak to them? Hopefully whilst they’re here your children won’t be exposed to any of them speaking badly about you.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 06/04/2023 11:21

If they have enough money to come over and stay in a hotel, they can pay for a taxi. It's not your problem. I wouldn't be making any effort with them at all. Husband can take the kids to see them if he needs to. But I wouldn't be doing anything to help out.

EndOfEternity · 06/04/2023 11:26

gallina · 06/04/2023 11:13

@EndOfEternity I don't know if I see him as my partner for life any more. I obviously did at some point to have children but not any more.

I think his reaction when I tell him no will make the decision for me

‘Don’t make a decision when in crisis’ is the best advice I’ve ever received.
Family and loss are both emotive subjects and any discussion is likely to be heated so take care. The more defensive you are (quite rightly) the more defensive he is likely to be when talking about his mum. Try and leave a breathing space for him to feel safe to talk about what’s really up, and how he’d be able to stand up to his mum and family dynamic. Hopefully this’ll give you the clearest picture of the situation as quickly as possible.
Good luck x

LookItsMeAgain · 06/04/2023 11:27

I got as far as your post this morning at 08:34 and this comment by you @gallina :
"Since then I've also found out they said to him i am the worst of all his exs, and god knows what else."

How many Ex's does he have?

Is there a trend in what is making them Ex's???

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think the trend or common denominator is HIM and HIS family! I'd say the Ex's are perfectly fine people but when combined with HIM and HIS FAMILY, they know their boundaries, they stand firm by their boundaries and when he or his family can't trample all over them, they are the 'worst in the world'. Would I be right?

LookItsMeAgain · 06/04/2023 11:30

Coming back (I've read on a bit in the thread) when it comes to this point @gallina "He can't drive that's why he's asked me, the way I see it is that should be not involving me in their plans at all when they think so low of me."
You simply need to reply "I'm not a chauffeur to you or your family. If they want to visit, they pay for a taxi or for a transfer company to collect them and drop them off"
Actually why can't they hire a car themselves and drive themselves? Is there some reason that they can't do that?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 11:30

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:18

Yeah then it’s nothing to do with you personally per se. Likely because you aren’t married but have two kids and aren’t a catholic. I understand why you feel so upset, I’m not saying they are right at all, however this is probably your best opportunity to try and build a relationship. Your partner is always going to have loyalty to his own family too. As I say I wouldn’t be bending over backwards but I would be showing willingness to at least be civil. At the end of the day they don’t know you know about the PRIVATE conversation between mother and son. I understand it hurt you but a mother and child should be able to have frank honest conversations between themselves. It’s not your fault you found out either. You can either start anew or keep going down this path.

Show quote history

At the end of the day they don’t know you know about the PRIVATE conversation between mother and son. I understand it hurt you but a mother and child should be able to have frank honest conversations between themselves.

I think if the ‘private’ conversations between mother and son involve slagging off his partner and he contributes to that, then it’s a good thing that the OP found out about it when she did. If she has as little to do with her in laws as she says, then their opinion of her can only have come from him, so he’s actively doing damage by running to his mummy whenever they have words. There are three of them in this relationship, and I’d be taking my kids and leaving them to it.

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:36

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 11:30

At the end of the day they don’t know you know about the PRIVATE conversation between mother and son. I understand it hurt you but a mother and child should be able to have frank honest conversations between themselves.

I think if the ‘private’ conversations between mother and son involve slagging off his partner and he contributes to that, then it’s a good thing that the OP found out about it when she did. If she has as little to do with her in laws as she says, then their opinion of her can only have come from him, so he’s actively doing damage by running to his mummy whenever they have words. There are three of them in this relationship, and I’d be taking my kids and leaving them to it.

Show quote history

Hmmmm it’s a bit controlling to say I have to know everything you say about me to your parents. I am sure a lot of people discuss arguments or relationship problems with their parents. It’s an entirely normal part of life. And it is also normal to say things in the heat of a disagreement that you wouldn’t say otherwise. We are all entitled to privacy in our relationships

Koolenglish · 06/04/2023 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/04/2023 11:43

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 11:36

Hmmmm it’s a bit controlling to say I have to know everything you say about me to your parents. I am sure a lot of people discuss arguments or relationship problems with their parents. It’s an entirely normal part of life. And it is also normal to say things in the heat of a disagreement that you wouldn’t say otherwise. We are all entitled to privacy in our relationships

Show quote history

I do agree with you up to a point. But their opinion of the OP seems to be mostly based on what he’s told them. If I were the OP, I would be worried about where his loyalties lie and how much of a priority I am. I think the difference here is that he won’t talk to the OP about any of this, but he will talk to his mum. That would be the deal breaker for me.