Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

Oh don’t be one of those crazy controlling parents. They’ll hate you for it.

It's depressingly & worryingly common.

Many parents view the phrase "my kids" as having only one important component - the word "my".

OP may not be one of them. She may just be a little insecure, having some mid-life doubts, looking to re-establish herself after a long period of SAHM.

But to be affronted instead of delighted for your DC that they have a committed & interested aunt is ... not good & I hope OP gets to the bottom of what is motivating her: - either a temporary insecurity - or an instinct to control.

You should think yourself very lucky that they have a lovely relationship with their Aunt. Lots of young people have no or very poor relationships with their families. I would look at why you are jealous of this, says more about you than you SIL.

Blimey Jagoda.

Way more succinct than my ramblings, but makes the same point.

Your DM = my DSis btw.

FFS!

My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive…

Give yourself a slap. It sounds as well like you’re struggling to recognise that your children are independent adults who have the right to maintain relationships without your input or so.

They're her brother's children. They're family. It would be weird to have to ask for permission to see them, and even weirder to have to go through her SIL rather than her brother. She's not your sister. You can't compare her to your own.

Great reflective response OP. It's a shame that this will now get lost in a sea of people wanting to tell you you're wrong! I hope you can feel better about this situation soon, I do think it reflects well on your parenting that your kids are able to maintain this relationship on their own 💐

you feel displaced op
and your own sister wouldnt do the same.
i guess you will just have to grin and bear it - you are allowed to have uncomfortable feelings though despite the reaction of many posters here.

whats the worst that could happen?
does she invite other relatives round?

Mine are adults now, have been for over a decade.I always reckoned the more people they had that loved them and looked out for them the better.
Especially related adults, if they ever weren’t talking to me, or had a problem they didn’t feel comfortable sharing, I hoped they’d talk to the other adults in my life.
You definitely need to look at the inappropriateness of how you feel about them forming their own relationships away from you, and why you are jealous and insecure about them.

it seems quite an unusual thing your sil is doing

I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s frustrating when you know one version of a person, and they have been a pain to you, and they are a different person to your kids. All you can do is let them get on with it and develop their own relationship with them. Your kids will either be fine with her, or may start to find the same frustrations with her that you do.

Maybe your children see something good in her that you don't. Your relationship with her is a separate thing, and shouldn't dictate your children's relationship with her. Trying to push that or influence it will only lead to resentment. You need to accept that they have a different perception of her than you do.
Like I said, try and reframe this as something they are gaining rather than something you are losing. Her relationship with them doesn't diminish yours.
If you are worried she is somehow turning them against you, that could only happen if their relationship with you isn't strong.

You are not behaving in a kind way, in this instance.

They are adults. They don't even have to tell you who they are having supper with.

I think you are being v v unreasonable. My brother and wife have been unable to have children and I take a huge pleasure in seeing them spend time with mine. I hope as they become adults this will continue to grow, away from me occasionally.

My lovely aunts would do this even when I was a child. It was such a comfort and I always loved spending time with them. I still do! My DF would do it with his closest aunt and uncle.

My DS doesn't have any first generation aunts or uncles but has always spent time independently with one close friend (they are both into a specific thing). I love seeing how happy they make each other.

Your DC are adults. The more people love your children the better in my book!

I have my own kids and hang out with my Niece all the time without her mum. We get on well, enjoy one another's company. I wouldn't ever feel like I am stepping my sisters toes and wouldn't have a problem if she did the same with my kids.

I have adult niece / nephew in their late teens / early twenties and I just contact them directly now. I've been out for dinner / drinks with them without running it by my sister. I mean, it's not a secret but, they're adults now so it doesn't occur to me to involve their parents.

I think regardless of the age of children, the more people they have in their life who love them the better. I think it's lovely they have a nice relationship with their aunt. She can't replace you as a mum, but she probably offers them something different that they can enjoy and benefit from.

Let me translate:

you feel displaced op
and your own sister wouldnt do the same.
OP's sisters haven't bothered to create an independent, loving relationship with her nieces/nephews.
DH's sister has.
Yet you feel OP's sisters are the ones getting it right? Blimey.

i guess you will just have to grin and bear it -
The appalling sorrow that her children have another loving relative who actively seeks them out & loves hearing about their lives?
How is this to be borne?!!!

you are allowed to have uncomfortable feelings though despite the reaction of many posters here.
Of course OP is allowed to. Many posters her have given her the advice & pointers she asked for. Taken trouble to motivate her to examine what is driving her feelings of discomfort, so she can remedy them, & start celebrating the aunt's relationship with her DC.

whats the worst that could happen?
Well, a few PP might pop up to enable OP's inappropriate jealousy & possessiveness, instead of gently coaxing her to reframe it & get comfortable with additional love from extended family members.
There could be collusive sympathy, attempts to make OP wallow in her misery instead of snap out of it.

does she invite other relatives round?
You sound like a controlling boyfriend 😂
"Who else are you seeing? Is it that Mary? I don't like you seeing her, she's a tramp, she'll take you to nightclubs & you'll be unfaithful to me. John? No, he has a fast car & a holiday home in Ibiza, I don't like you seeing men who have more to offer than me. I don't want your mother coming round so much, she has too much influence on you. Who is this guy at work, is he coming on to you? Give me a list of all your friends & family, so I can vet them & ensure nobody I disapprove of gets access to you."

I think this is so sad OP that you think like this.

I would be delighted and grateful if my SIL took so much interest in my children, and equally that they have someone else to turn to.

😂😂😂
Ah, I see MN's 97,000th broadcast of "if it doesn't occur within my limited purview, it isn't real & doesn't happen" has started already.

<<< popcorn >>>

Thank you, appreciate these kind words

OP's sisters haven't bothered to create an independent, loving relationship with her nieces/nephews.
DH's sister has.
Yet you feel OP's sisters are the ones getting it right? Blimey.

Yep, that's weird on the part of the person quoted. My SIL has her own children, yet she still has an independent relationship with my adult daughters and visits them on her own right and without me. Now that I'm my DDs' only remaining parent, I'm very grateful that they have such strong relationships with their aunt and uncle.

Seeing the love that my little DGD and her childless aunt have for each other, gives me great joy. One of my greatest hopes is that their relationship remains close and loving long after I'm gone. As I said in a previous post, we're a small family, so these connections are extra important.

They're adults they don't need your permission to do anything how petty. You should be greatful she wants a relationship with them. Maybe she's lonely being just her and SO.

One of the reasons I rarely visit my DM is because she hates me having any form of independent contact with my relatives who live near to her or for us to do anything independent of her when we are there. She was the same with the GC who as adults have little or nothing to do with her. Your DC will be the same if you do not deal with your feelings now.