To get annoyed about presents

[TooManyPresentsAgain]

Every birthday and Christmas, DCs get 6 or 7 presents each from family. These aren't token presents, they're 'proper' presents as family ask what they want and we sit down with DH and give it some thought and see where presents can be bought jointly and balance "stuff" with things like days out etc.

So I think on top of this we should only get 2 or 3 presents ourselves for them as 20 presents a year is plenty surely!

Also our house is small so I have to regularly rotate toys/declutter to keep on top of things.

So I've been excited about the 3 lovely thought out presents we got for DD's birthday next week and thought I'd do a wrapping session tonight.

DH got another 10 things (10!) from the loft to be wrapped which he's bought over the last couple of weeks for her. No mention of it before. Nothing pricey but additional bits like puzzles, books, clothes, DVDs but also some board games etc.

AIBU that it annoys me SO much? I suggested keeping some back for Christmas or other occasions as it's too many at once and he grumbled and is now annoyed with me (actually in the 10 presents there were a couple from last Christmas we'd saved back for her birthday as he had done it then too and it was way too many).

Happy to be told I'm a bah humbug but I just hate "stuff" and don't see the point! Stick to the plan!

YANBU OP.
More stuff for the sake of it doesn't make a happier child or home. The more they have, the harder it is to play with/appreciate it all. Not to mention it being very wasteful both financially and for the planet.
I really don't understand this idea that buying thoughtful gifts which will be loved and appreciated, rather than mountains of superfluous "fillers", is stingy.
It makes me cringe when you see children with mountains of "stuff" just ripping the paper off and tossing them aside.

Does dh go with you shopping for dds birthday presents? Maybe if he did he would get into the excitement that way as he seems to like to shop.
I'm with you on not having too many. Wait until she has parties from school and gets lots of presents.
Could some of the extended family be encouraged to put money in an account or buy experiences instead of more stuff.
But it is worth remembering that dh has to have some say in how it all works too.

I guess we're all different. I've always loved giving my kids a big pile of presents on Christmas and birthdays. Half the fun is unwrapping things not knowing if it's a major present or a pair of socks lol. When people say they give their kids 5 presents for Christmas it's completely at odds with my "normal" of loads of presents. I would feel mean giving my kid 3 presents on their birthday. But each to their own.
If DH view is different to yours you need to try and find a compromise.

YABU

Totally agree with below. I think it's lovely! You could have a lot of actual problems to complain about.

Yanbu. I wonder if it's a culture/demographic thing.

I'm from outside the uk. Growing up I always got just one or two presents for each special occasion (single mum, and other relatives would just give cash or nothing). But I could get "filler" presents all year round - they weren't even presents, I would just ask for the thing and my mum would decide if it was worth buying and if she could afford it etc. For example i would get new books and clothes very often but not at birthdays. I would also receive small presents every time we were visited by someone we didn't see often.

Luckily my (uk born) DH and his family are similar. Grandparents, aunts etc bring little presents for Dd every time we visit each other (they live 5h drive away). But at Christmas (eg) it's just one item from each person - which adds up as they're a big family!

However I've seen some families deny their kids things all year round and then overwhelm them with huge quantities at special occasions. I just find it weird but it's just not what I'm used to. To me it's like saying you're never allowed cake but on your birthday you can have 10 enormous cakes (I know it's not the same, it's just what it feels like to me)

Do you regularly buy things for DD "just because" or do you only ever get stuff at birthdays/Christmas?

If you only really buys stuff for her at birthdays and Christmas then I can see why your DH wants to bulk out the gifts with as many as possible ... Also as a kid it's about quantity not quality, and as long as some of those items are consumables - sweets, colouring books, felt tips etc - then they're not in your house for long.

If you regularly buy stuff then can't you keep some of the smaller things - sticker books, DVD, PJs - to give to her as a treat for good behaviour or an achievement eg getting her swimming/music/dance certificate or to keep back for another practical reason .. Eg you're going on holiday so you keep the sticker book to give her for the car/plane journey; keep the dvd or puzzle for a literal rainy day as something new to keep her occupied; have the PJs for the next sleepover she has at granny's and then those PJs can stay there for next time; have a few small items as rewards for good behaviour (DD had a sticker chart at 4 to help with behaviour so she would get little rewards like sticker books/books/puzzles/sweets at regular intervals so I kept a small box of rewards on hand for her to choose from and then just topped it up occasionally when I saw things on offer or in sales)

Ridiculous, he's making a rod for his own back. Children don't need lots of presents. It only makes them expect more and more each year.

Ridiculous, he's making a rod for his own back. Children don't need lots of presents. It only makes them expect more and more each year.

Thank you for all the different comments and views.

@Giveaschitt yes DH's family struggled financially so he probably felt he didn't get enough and wants DC to have plenty, which I get.

@junebirthdaygirl that's a great idea actually, he does love to shop, so maybe in future he can physically buy all the agreed presents so it will scratch that itch for him.

And yes DD is also starting to get presents from friends too, so I do try and gear family towards money in account/experiences.

@teezletangler I agree! In the past after unwrapping 3 or 4 presents DD has started getting bored and just wanting to play with these toys.

I understand that sometimes DC love the most random cheap tat but I'm not sure buying 10 filler gifts on top of nice gifts they actually wanted in the hope that 1 or 2 stick is the best use of financial/planet resources.

We already have a box full of plastic bits and pieces accumulated over the years and they never get a look in.

@Carrotpuffs i think we have the same DH. He is very hands on except on the decluttering/toy rotation side! He also buys A LOT of books, which I know is not plastic and at least practical/useful but we already have 2 full bookcases, DD's boxroom is already full of them, as well as the living room. There are only so many books one can have!

Sorry, I am with the OP here.

One thing I've learned over the years is that kids need a happy unstressed mum more than anything else. I don't want to spend my life endlessly decluttering, "rotating" toys or constantly shipping things off for freecycling, and my MH is impacted by a cluttered house and all the extra housework that clutter causes. So yeah, I am firm about this and make no apologies for it; we limit gifts and communicate with others about this (parties are no-gift parties, grandparents mostly give consumables etc.).

It's OK for parents to want to be comfortable in their own homes and to not spend all their time tripping over clutter and trying to move clutter out the house, and kids benefit from parents who are happy and have more free time for them.

I understand that sometimes DC love the most random cheap tat but I'm not sure buying 10 filler gifts on top of nice gifts they actually wanted in the hope that 1 or 2 stick is the best use of financial/planet resources.

This is why I think one should let kids choose their own cheap tat (all year round). Surprises are overrated. If it's cheap, you don't have to save up for Christmas time, you can just give it any time (book, stickers, small item of clothing)

Just wanted to add, less money spent on rubbish and less time spent on bollocks like rotating toys (who the hell has time for this?) means you have time and money for other things, like doing activities as a family.

We made a conscious effort to start doing this several years ago and put the money into a few extra family days out per year.

I don't think this is joyless and I don't think boxes of unplayed with plastic tat littering the house is joyful, but maybe it's a matter of perspective?

@melj1213 we do buy her stuff through the year too, not loads but will get her something she might like in a gift shop for example (including plastic tat - see everyone, we are not joyless 😁), or a book before a car journey or something (exactly as suggested by a PP).

@Mummynew08 yes that's exactly what we do!

Also as pointed out by another PP, having less stuff does make kids use their imagination more. DD is not deprived by any means, the living room is full of stuff, but she can also make a game out of anything and play for hours. I think it's a great life skill!

I'm with you, but my family only used to do 1 present for birthdays so that's what I grew up with. We would get more presents from friends at birthday party, but from family it would be 1 thoughtful present.
That's what I planned to do with my kids, I feel very cheap now reading the comments...! 😂

Yes exactly, and I don't think clutter helps kids' minds either, it's overwhelming and means kids have such short attention spans nowadays.

Give untouched presents to your local DV refuge. There will be children there that will be delighted with them because they'll have had very little!

YABU. You're wanting your husband just to stick to your plan of how many presents is deemed acceptable. I get my son around 4/5 presents that I know he'll love and play with for a long time (ie. A hot wheels track, a bike, a kitchen etc) but I also get him some smaller 'filler' presents like sticker books or character clothing that I know he'll exaclty be excited about - because at this age he doesn't know the value of money, coming down to a lot of presents is more exciting to him IMO.

it's too much, poor child

Only on mumsnet will people feel sorry for a child for having too many toys .. 😅 my (almost) 3 year old has mountains of toys and he genuinely plays with everything in rotation. I really don't see the big deal. Puzzles, books, pjs are easy to store away.

Could he be either making up for his own childhood or repeating something he enjoyed as a kid?

Either way, radical suggestion here - how about the two of you sit down and have a civil chat about it, LISTEN PROPERLY to each other, THINK about what has been said, and come up with something that WILL work (not that you think will work in some fantasy world that one or the other of you live in).

It can be done, honest!

I find too much stuff stressful too. Things inevitably get trashed or broken, because it's too much to manage. It's harder to keep the place clean and tidy. And I end up throwing away broken things or donating things, which the broken things I find upsetting and the donating I find time consuming. I am trying to live more minimally, but can't get anyone else to understand that without sounding like a total miser. I think the only way to understand the problem is to be the one trying to solve it, it's all too easy to give kids loads of tat for that moment of joy they have, if you're not the one dealing with the consequences.

You don't get to decide everything. I would be annoyed if DH told me what I could and couldn't gift my children. Equally DH loves stuffed animals and used to give the kids them all the time (I don't see the point in them and they take up SO much space). I might make a passing comment about not needing more of them, but I would never tell him he couldn't give his kids what he wanted.

YABU and controlling.

Re the pyjamas - maybe he read all the Mumsnet threads about how children should have fresh jammies every night because their bottoms touch the material 🤣

OP I’m curious about if you ever complain or feel like parenting isn’t equal and you do more? Because if you do this is why.

You won’t even let the man go and pick his own birthday presents for his child!

The OP has already explained that the workload of decluttering and rotating toys is falling to her. He isn’t doing it.

If he keeps giving too many toys, what he’s effectively doing is enjoying the momentary gratification of giving something to a child, while dumping extra housework onto the OP.

I’m reminded about the other issue that sometimes comes up on here, where men and children are pestering about a dog and wanting to bring one into the family. In most families, it’s the primary domestic parent (the woman in most homes) who winds up doing all the work - vacuuming and mopping and getting smells out of everything, doing the walks whenever it’s not “fun,” life admin (vets, doggy daycare, kennel arrangements). Women are entitled to say no to stuff that takes up their time and makes them tired, cross and resentful.

Who cares they are only little once sounds like your putting a downer on it tbh