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Original poster

Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

314 replies

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 16:06

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 05/04/2023 20:21

Yeah, buy by yourself, but don’t marry him, because then he will want half the flats worth without putting anything into it! Sound like a user to me!

qpmz · 05/04/2023 20:42

Mangogirl12 · 05/04/2023 19:48

Are you married or engaged? I ask because you say 'partner'. Because if he won't marry you after 3 years or 5 years he is a non-starter and I wouldn't buy a house with someone who didn't love me enough to marry me. Have self respect, never buy a house with someone who doesn't love you enough to commit to you. Marriage is far more important in every way including legally, than a house. 5 years on, he ought to know if he wants to commit to you. if he won't marry you before you buy a house, he's worthless.

I agree that the relationship should end. However, a married couple don't love each other more than a non married pair. Some people don't choose to get married because you simply don't have to in this day and age.

Tandora · 05/04/2023 20:45

No idea why people are advising OP she needs to get married before buying this house, when it’s clear OP is the one putting in the lions share of the money…

OP, I thought people were being too black and white in their opinions until I saw the update about his mother. Given that update , I have to agree, he does not see himself with you long term. He’s comfortable in the here and now, but he’s aware deep down that he needs an easy option to leave when he’s ready. I’m sorry.

PinkPink1 · 05/04/2023 20:53

@spinandspaghetti So we've talked about kids and he said he would like to start a family in a few years time.

What does ‘in a few years’ mean? You’re already 30. If you wait until you’re 34/35 you might try for a year with no luck. Fertility investigations and then the actual treatments take a long time. You could end up being in your late 30s or 40s, which is when natural fertility and quality of egg/sperm declines. Or, even worse, you wait until you’re 35 and he turns around to you and says he doesn’t want children.

I’m sorry but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to settle down and have children and marry. That’s why he doesn’t want to make the big commitment of buying a house with you. You’re both several years older than me, but he sounds like he’s 18.

sjxoxo · 05/04/2023 20:55

sounds like he’s stringing you along and isn’t as certain about what he wants as you.. I’d give him an ultimatum but I’d be mindful that if you get married half the flat etc is his.. I expect he’s not as invested as you here. Is he very laid back with other things? Don’t let him coast along if you aren’t ok with that. X

Grimbelina · 05/04/2023 21:12

OP, painful as it must be to read the replies, I have rarely read a thread like this where nearly all the posters were in agreement....

Catastrophejane · 05/04/2023 22:05

I’m going to go against the grain here.

I know a lot of posters are saying he isn’t that into you…I get their point, but I’m not sure that’s the issue.

Its his relationship with his mother and family thats holding him back, and I don’t think you’ll win that argument.

I think he may really love you, and if there were no complications, he’d marry you. But ( in his mind at least) it’s a choice between marrying you or cutting himself off from his family.

lots of people choose obligation and family over romantic love. He sounds like the kind of person who chooses family and obligation.

look at him - he’s the kind of kid who studied hard to please his parents and get a scholarship. His family no doubt made huge sacrifices to get him there. Even his choice of profession smacks of someone who did it to please his parents- it’s every immigrant parent’s dream to have a doctor in the family!

Doesn’t make him a bad person. But you say he’s a cautious and risk averse person- does it sound like someone who would go against a traditional family and marry a white atheist?

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 05/04/2023 22:09

Northernsoullover · 05/04/2023 16:08

I think maybe he isn't as committed to the relationship as you are. Don't waste your fertility on someone who won't commit. Don't marry him either if he doesn't lump cash into the property.

Exactly this OP 💐

Suzi888 · 05/04/2023 22:13

You haven’t met his mother in five years?!

Catastrophejane · 05/04/2023 22:50

Suzi888 · 05/04/2023 22:13

You haven’t met his mother in five years?!

I second this! It’s a massive problem.

OP - you say you don’t take it personally that she refuses to acknowledge you because you are a white atheist.

Take it personally! She refuses to accept you on the basis of fundamental parts of your identity.

Marchsnowstorms · 05/04/2023 22:51

He doesn't want to grow up & commit to you

Duckswaddle · 05/04/2023 22:55

Yeah I wouldn’t waste any more of my time with him. If you want a family and home together, he’s not going to give it to you. Buy your own place and move on.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/04/2023 23:37

Buy your own place and leave him in his rented flat. He's not a keeper...

palelavender · 06/04/2023 03:26

Please don't have him as a lodger. He doesn't want to buy a house with you, marry you or have children with you. He hasn't even introduced you to his mother after 5 years. Why would you keep him around? You need to meet new potential partners and it's going to be hard to do that with him sitting there like a carbuncle in your shared accommodation.

JavaQ · 06/04/2023 03:36

LT(B)
Do NOT rent to him as he will be a cocklodger before you know it

Buy your own place.

Dont live your life on someone else’s terms!!
You can buy your own flowers…

evuscha · 06/04/2023 03:42

I have to agree with the majority here, he doesn’t see a future with you. For someone risk averse it’s unlikely he would marry a “white atheist” when his mother doesn’t approve. The fact she hasn’t met you also doesn’t look good. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to leave an otherwise pleasant relationship but if you’re in your 30’s then you don’t want to waste any more time.

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/04/2023 03:53

OP, be very careful that you don't end up losing money to this guy in the event your relationship doesn't work out. You are in a very good position now but you are at risk of losing quite a bit if he lives with you and contributes towards the house. Please get proper legal advice to protect yourself here. Also, he doesn't want to go against his mum's wishes hence the steep savings goals: he's keeping himself free to walk away from you easily as and when needed.

Appleblum · 06/04/2023 04:06

It sounds like he doesn't think he'll marry you, especially after your update about his family/mom.

Guavafish1 · 06/04/2023 04:27

I won't risk your fertility years on your current partner. 5 years is enough time to buy a place, marry and have children.

Definitely buy your own place, it will help you in the long run with property ladder.

Unfortunately your expectations are not line together currently. You'll have to wait.. but it's a risk.

landbeforegrime · 06/04/2023 04:30

It's difficult because i don't think he's necessarily stringing you along deliberately and he probably justifies to himself that it's not the right time / i need more money to make sure my children have stability etc. but the reality is that he's not committing to you or your future and that is because he's not ready or does not think it is right. there's no guarantee he will ever change or feel ready and i do think that if he wanted this he would know and work towards making it happen. he shouldn't feel comfortable being a lodger in your home, he should want to make it a home jointly. he doesn't appear to know what he wants and that could very well mean that he doesn't know if he wants you. he may not realise that but his actions are showing a lack of commitment. sadly if you want children time is not on your side and you can't really afford to sit around and wait to see if and when he changes his tune so honestly, i think you need to put yourself first and move on so you can find someone who knows they want to have a future with you and is able to act on it. i think the right person for you would be making more solid plans with you at this point.

JocelynBurnell · 06/04/2023 04:39

Bloodyhellisthisit · 05/04/2023 19:36

This is very good advice ^^

You can look at this situation two ways…

  1. He is being clear and honest about what he wants right now. He is helping to make sure that his current desires do not trump yours - you still get to buy and have the security you are craving. He’s not creating an ultimatum, he is proposing a reasonable compromise - he perceives this as a step towards something more concrete in future, but he isn’t at the stage of committing to that future yet. This is a reasonable interim measure and it’s great to be with someone who is honest and doesn’t want to hold you back but in fact supports your dreams and your personal financial security and well being. Who knows what the future brings but this seems like a good way forward right now.
  2. He has no intention of staying with you long term, isn’t that into you, has persuaded you to buy alone so he can walk out the door whenever he wants and fully intends to do so. He just suggested you buy alone to stop you going on about this situation. You should immediately dump him because what you want right now isn’t what he wants right now.

The truth is probably a bit more nuanced than the above but what is true is that buying as a single woman DOES put you in an incredibly strong position in the rest of your life. The fact that he supports this suggests he does care about your well-being and whether you end up spending the rest of your life with him or not, you will look back on this as a watershed moment for your independence. Being with someone who supports that is nothing to be sniffed at whatever the eventual outcome.

He is not ready to commit and once you’ve found your flat you should talk about that honestly and you need to put a clock (whether shared or not) on how long you’ll give the situation before you reassess the relationship. Maybe he just needs a bit of time - 30 is still quite young. But if you get to 32, say, and he’s still not committed then he probably isn’t going to and you don’t want to waste your time yadda yadda.

Most importantly right now, do the following. Stress test your mortgage payment so you know you could manage if he wasn’t paying rent.
GET LEGAL ADVICE. Make sure you sign a legal agreement regarding your arrangement and his financial entitlement (if any) if he moves in and pay rent and then you split up. My understanding is that this is more complex than you might imagine - it’s not like having a flatmate. Don’t just wing this on the advice of the internet - go to a solicitor, with your parents ideally or a trusted and smart friend, and figure out the best way for your folks to protect their gift to you in the long term and the best way for you to protect the asset as well. (This might include ring fencing it if you marry, but you should certainly be ringfencing everything your parents have put in and your own investment)

This issue, of how not to get ultimately clobbered by mistake, is one reason that single women often end up letting their partners live rent free - because the idea of being stuck with a court case/massive bill when you split up is just too much to risk. So DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. That also applies if you split up and you ever consider moving a different boyfriend in. Legal advice and paperwork EVERY time please!!

Be glad you found a guy who, while he might now want the same thing as you right now (and may turn out never to want it), is reasonable and does care about you enough to help make sure you get yourself in a secure position you can build on, regardless of your relationship status.

Know your own worth and what you want. Try and be honest with your boyfriend and yourself in future if your plans diverge.

Congratulate yourself on being able to buy your own flat!! 🍾🎉🥳 Thank your parents and your lucky stars that you’re in this position!!

(And think VERY carefully in future if you are ever tempted to give up this piece of independence. If you don’t understand why, then just search mumsnet threads on people wanting to leave their partners and observe how many are hamstrung by having nowhere to go/living in their partners’ home/not being able to afford to go it alone once they have children. There are thousands of cautionary tales on here and most people don’t have the luxury of creating some protection for themselves)

Good luck!

Show quote history

Best advice on this thread by a country mile.

Pattydale · 06/04/2023 04:44

Wnikat · 05/04/2023 16:38

He’ll string you along until you’re 39 then dump you, then six months later you’ll find out he’s having a baby with someone else

Sorry to say but I've seen this before too many times for it to be just a cliche.

chopc · 06/04/2023 04:47

OP almost everyone in this thread is telling you to run. Hopefully once you have had time to process you will be able to make your position clear to him.

Having been in a similar relationship I can tell you he is not a keeper. The fact you haven't met his mum after five years suggest you may never do so

Tradeup · 06/04/2023 05:20

Buy a flat and do NOT move him in.

Snugglemonkey · 06/04/2023 05:26

I am sorry everyone is so negative op, I appreciate it is hard to hear. Please do hear it though because you are not his partner. He is not willing to partner you. You are his girlfriend and he does not want to commit. You are in danger of wasting your fertile years, while he can sit until being with you becomes too stressful because you are wanting more. Then he will leave and do all the things you want, with someone his mother approves of. You may have lost your chance to have children by then.

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