Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

[spinandspaghetti]

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

When you tell him that you want to call it a day and he suddenly starts saying that he is committed but just wants to give it more time, stand your ground and let him go. He really isn't into it.

I wouldn't be risking losing my fertility window with a man still unsure you are good enough for him after 5 years.
I suspect that he is searching for a better match - and if you are thinking of future DC, surely you would prefer a MIL who accepts you and your beliefs.

Who knows what his real reasons are for not wanting to make a financial commitment. But alarm bells are ringing on multiple levels.

Early 30s and been together for 5 years and ‘not ready’ to buy together or make any concrete plans about marriage & kids.

Family don’t accept you.

He thinks ‘I’ve made my position clear’ is a reasonable response.

He sounds like a time waster. One of those guys who is happy to live day to day with you, but doesn’t really care what YOUR needs, hopes, dreams or goals are, and is only ‘nice’ for now because it suits him.

’in a few years’ , ‘when I’ve saved X amount of money’ etc etc = time waster. There will be some other reason when a few years have passed and he’s saved his 40k,trust me!

Commitment phobic definitely but dh and I were together 5 years without a commitment, we didn’t even live together. He had been married before, we both had a dc already so bit more complicated. However, I gave him an ultimatum - get married or split up. We got married and for us it has worked. We did however have a baby a year later (at 37 - me) but then had secondary infertility and were not able to conceive again at all. I do regret not pushing the issue sooner as we would have loved to have 2 kids together as both of our other dc are a lot older.
Time for some big decisions…

Screaming out from your post is that your life plans are not compatible.

The longer you continue the less they will be.
For biological reasons having children will be define your timings increasingly meanwhile he is making sure he can just cut and run.

I think you deserve better.

He's waiting for a better offer from someone else

His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...
But he HAS made his position clear.
On the one hand, he is being admirably straightforward, & he;s also ensuring that his aversion to a house purchase won't limit YOUR prospects.

He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me
On the other hand ... 🙄
This doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense full stop.
The rental market risk is usually a direct reflection of the mortgage market. How could it be otherwise, when BTL mortgages represent such a large proportion of rentals? Supply & demand in mortgage availability, financial market volatility, all affect mortgages which in turn affects rentals.

So what this really is, is an excuse. Which kinda offsets the transparency & honesty he is giving you with his position on not wanting to compromise you financially or impede your laudable ambition.
Because it's dishonest - possibly from a fear of losing you if he is too emotionally honest about not seeing the future you want, at all, ever, with you.
Worse case scenario is it's a calculated Future Faking though, & I would urge you think think long & hard about that, as it means he is prepared to string you along while you keep believing that he's eventually going to deal with his "risk aversion" & get on board with the property, marriage, & TTC plans he knows full well you want.

He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events.
Erm yeah sorry - Future Faking.
As you rightly observe elsewhere in the post, he won't define what his risk reduction strategy is (because it doesn't exist, it's hogwash, nobody can bombproof a marriage) & he won't now even discuss it.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?
It will still be the same problem, & it will be bigger every year you are unable to reconcile your different wishes. Especially as -
I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future.
This is another thing I reckon he's Future Faking.
He doesn't want to cohabit in a shared ownership, he doesn't want to get married, & he doesn't want children with you.
That must feel really painful OP & I am sorry you are going through it. But if your biological clock is ticking, you know what you need to do.
He has at least been honest with you financially - if not emotionally.

I rarely, if ever, comment in relationship threads. But your OP made me feel so sad for you.

He's made one hell of a statement there. It's hard to get past the explanation being that doesn't see you as a long term couple, and he doesn't want to commit.
I've borne in mind what you've said about his mum and his being poor but around money when he was young, and I do see how they can factor in. But above all, he doesn't want to commit with you. He wants to be your lodger, and he wants to feel that he can walk away if he wants to.

It's just really sad. But I think his inability to commit is going to raise its head every time there's a conversation about children, so you might want to bear that in mind.

You are in your early 30s and are in the fantastic position of being able to buy your own little place in London. Your time is now. He's holding you back and you do not want to miss the boat on your own life. Buy your flat but please don't continue the relationship with him. Find someone who realises your value and wants to embrace a family life with you. Good luck.

How strange OP, that thing with his mum (and if he is still caught up in her "say so" he's not actually detached from her yet despite being an adult).

She must be extremely religious or something. Sad he's still attached to her apron strings.

I've had two long-term relationships with people of a different culture. Have a son from one.
No way ever was I - or my child - in both ever not made to feel part of the family.

He does not see you as a long term partner and has no interest in real commitment (house, family, marriage).

As long as you are just a girlfriend and you are renting, it is very easy for him to walk out of the relationship whenever he feels like it and he doesn't want anything to change that situation.

It would be OK if you were in your 20s to have that mindset, but in your early 30s you need to move on to someone who can give you more than that.

Don't waste anymore time on him.

Lots of red flags. Could he be already married Op and supporting a wife in country of origin and he’s worried buying would expose that.

He doesn't see this as a long term relationship, he's waiting for something better to come along. He does want to have kids and build a life, he won't marry you I'm afraid. Move on now before it's too late for you to have kids with someone else. You don't want him renting off you either, he may still claim a stake in the property. 💐

This is very good advice ^^

You can look at this situation two ways…

1. He is being clear and honest about what he wants right now. He is helping to make sure that his current desires do not trump yours - you still get to buy and have the security you are craving. He’s not creating an ultimatum, he is proposing a reasonable compromise - he perceives this as a step towards something more concrete in future, but he isn’t at the stage of committing to that future yet. This is a reasonable interim measure and it’s great to be with someone who is honest and doesn’t want to hold you back but in fact supports your dreams and your personal financial security and well being. Who knows what the future brings but this seems like a good way forward right now.
2. He has no intention of staying with you long term, isn’t that into you, has persuaded you to buy alone so he can walk out the door whenever he wants and fully intends to do so. He just suggested you buy alone to stop you going on about this situation. You should immediately dump him because what you want right now isn’t what he wants right now.

The truth is probably a bit more nuanced than the above but what is true is that buying as a single woman DOES put you in an incredibly strong position in the rest of your life. The fact that he supports this suggests he does care about your well-being and whether you end up spending the rest of your life with him or not, you will look back on this as a watershed moment for your independence. Being with someone who supports that is nothing to be sniffed at whatever the eventual outcome.

He is not ready to commit and once you’ve found your flat you should talk about that honestly and you need to put a clock (whether shared or not) on how long you’ll give the situation before you reassess the relationship. Maybe he just needs a bit of time - 30 is still quite young. But if you get to 32, say, and he’s still not committed then he probably isn’t going to and you don’t want to waste your time yadda yadda.

Most importantly right now, do the following. Stress test your mortgage payment so you know you could manage if he wasn’t paying rent.
GET LEGAL ADVICE. Make sure you sign a legal agreement regarding your arrangement and his financial entitlement (if any) if he moves in and pay rent and then you split up. My understanding is that this is more complex than you might imagine - it’s not like having a flatmate. Don’t just wing this on the advice of the internet - go to a solicitor, with your parents ideally or a trusted and smart friend, and figure out the best way for your folks to protect their gift to you in the long term and the best way for you to protect the asset as well. (This might include ring fencing it if you marry, but you should certainly be ringfencing everything your parents have put in and your own investment)

This issue, of how not to get ultimately clobbered by mistake, is one reason that single women often end up letting their partners live rent free - because the idea of being stuck with a court case/massive bill when you split up is just too much to risk. So DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. That also applies if you split up and you ever consider moving a different boyfriend in. Legal advice and paperwork EVERY time please!!

Be glad you found a guy who, while he might now want the same thing as you right now (and may turn out never to want it), is reasonable and does care about you enough to help make sure you get yourself in a secure position you can build on, regardless of your relationship status.

Know your own worth and what you want. Try and be honest with your boyfriend and yourself in future if your plans diverge.

Congratulate yourself on being able to buy your own flat!! 🍾🎉🥳 Thank your parents and your lucky stars that you’re in this position!!

(And think VERY carefully in future if you are ever tempted to give up this piece of independence. If you don’t understand why, then just search mumsnet threads on people wanting to leave their partners and observe how many are hamstrung by having nowhere to go/living in their partners’ home/not being able to afford to go it alone once they have children. There are thousands of cautionary tales on here and most people don’t have the luxury of creating some protection for themselves)

Good luck!

Hes not your partner, hes a boyfriend.

Dont analyse. You're young enough to cut and run. 5 years time you will still be dragging this horse to water.

He makes it all sound very reasonable. Statistics...reducing risks....

Hes given you his bottom line.

Men like this dont suddenly decide to commit. Hes happy and settled enough because this suits him. I dont want to be cruel but buying a house and marrying you doesnt suit him. He would rather rent from you for years. What does that tell you?

A friend of mine - waited- for her OH to commit to her - he never did - interestingly - the next partner he chose to marry almost instantly and had kids with her.

My friend never got over it and is single and childless - with no chance of having kids now (been through the menopause, single, not interested in adopting).

HONESETLY - LTB

Are you married or engaged? I ask because you say 'partner'. Because if he won't marry you after 3 years or 5 years he is a non-starter and I wouldn't buy a house with someone who didn't love me enough to marry me. Have self respect, never buy a house with someone who doesn't love you enough to commit to you. Marriage is far more important in every way including legally, than a house. 5 years on, he ought to know if he wants to commit to you. if he won't marry you before you buy a house, he's worthless.

I agree with everyone, if he won’t commit to buying a house and having children after five years he’s not going to. But you’re flat (well done you!) but make him move out. Don’t waste any more fertilise years on him. Cut your losses. If it helps I was 32 when I met DH through OLD. Pregnant and happy 11 months later. You have time but you need to cut your losses here

Its sadly clear that he is happy enough not to break up with you but he isnt invested. He is being really clear that he doesnt want to tie his finances to you.

As an investment, he doesnt look like a good one. It will take years to join finances and get married and more before you have kids. As a doctor, isnt he having to move around every few years? Are you prepared to give up work or change job every 5 year? Move around? If he was truly honest, doesnt he want that freedom and therefore doesnt want to buy a house and be tied to the area?

sorry OP, I think he has made his position clear particularly as he is turning down a chance for a 5050 share in a house using your parents money and your savings which would be a financial win on his part yet still he doesn't want to commit. You don't, as a woman, have time to waste on his lack of commitment if you want kids. He, as a man, can mess about and take his time and then if it doesn't work out simply move on and still be able to have kids well into later life. In your shoes I'd leave, get my own mortgaged place, visit an IVF clinic for a full MOT incase I needed to freeze my eggs (speaking from experience of having needed IVF) and look for someone willing to take things serious.

I agree with him that he has made his position clear
Him wanting flexibility means that he really isn’t that into you

If someone actually wants something they will move heaven and earth to get it

If he wanted a stable house, marriage and children you would have
mortgage, a ring on your finger and a cot in you bedroom by now

I wouldn’t waste my time waiting around for his time table and bank balance to align.

You would be better off buying on your own and if in a couple of years you haven’t met anyone else, more than likely you will Then go down the sperm donor route if you want children.

I do think that his upbringing and confidence were affected by his schooling
But you aren’t his therapist and he knows ultimately that you will either leave or you stay and he can fudge the children mortgage and marriage issues till it’s too late

I agree. I only waited 5 years to marry my husband because I was young when we met. But we knew within months we wanted to and we were engaged within 2 years. Most people I know with healthy marriages knew within at least 1 year or 2 that it was marriage material and took those steps. He should know by now and if he doesn't its a no ... and if he did ask me I'd be thinking he's only doing it as he doesn't think there's a better offer after waiting for one. Youre worth more.

Don't waste your time or as @Northernsoullover says, don't waste your fertility. I'm not doubting this will break your heart but I think buying a home will be just the 'distraction' you need. Do not let him move in. Psychologically if he does then you will feel abandoned when it's time to go. Split up now. That way you'll be losing one thing but gaining something bigger. It's not just the home, it's security. You cannot put a price on peace of mind.
Anything that comes along later will be a bonus to your already sorted life.

I once bought a house with a man I was not 100% sure of.. Many years later I still regret it, I put more money in than him and funnily enough part of it was actually a loan from my parents. Long story short I got fucked over in the end and lost a lot of money, because the relationship broke down and it turns out I was the financially savvy one so he actually made a profit off me. Some of that was my parents' money and I still feel guilty over it.

DO NOT BUY WITH HIM. Too many red flags.

If you purchase and he rents from you please make sure the agreement is ironclad and he is not gaining an interest in your investment, you need very good legal advice on this. He has had the option to invest with you and you seem to accept the compromise of you buying and him renting, just protect yourself.