Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

[spinandspaghetti]

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

Yes. He wants no ties. If he is renting he can go when he feels like it, not so easy when you jointly own a property.

He's hiding something about his finances. My spidey senses are tingling.

Don't marry him and don't get pregnant by him.

but most especially don't get pregnant by him without marrying him.

this guy is bad news and you can't fix him. you want different things and he is canny enough to make sure you are the one shafted and he can be risk free.

if you get pg then when the going gets tough (as it always does sooner or later but grownups who make commitments work through it and find a new balance) he will be commitment free and able to walk away leaving you with childcare arrangements you can't manage on your own and unable to square the circle with your mortgage payment no longer affordable on your own because so much of your salary is going on childcare.

avoid. dump. find a grownup whose life is on the same page as yours.

It sounds as if you are slightly in denial. The lack of acceptance from his mother is probably holding him back to be honest.
He is a doctor but at which stage of training? Salaries are not very high!
Also kids in a few years??? That doesn’t sound too convincing. Please consider your age in the decision that you make. As you know, there is a ticking clock when it comes to fertility and after 5 years together, he should be able to give you a more concrete answer.
What I have learned about men over the years is: If they want to, they will not hesitate.
probably wouldn’t go as far as saying that he is bad news but you clearly aren’t on the same page.

He has either got shafted financially before in some significant way for e.g through a relationship that didn't work out, but he is keeping you in the Dark, about this,
Or
Has some financiall issues he doesn't want you to know about,

Or
He just not as into you, as you are, hoping he would be , in a way involves being with you in which starting a family etc entails this,

Or
He is commit phobic, through past experiences or otherwise, he has seriously cold feet about commits about major life events such as moving into a new place, getting officially engaged married and children,,

He is just happy / content (satisfied though just to coast along, for things to stay just as they are, not progress in any way,

He just like security of having someone like you in his life,
He doesn't want to give that Aspect of being in a relationship up that quickly,
He is very comfortable with this arrangement,
As he hasn't losed anything , as he still renting,

I think he could just be stringing you along till something better comes along

Oh OP , I’ve been the white atheist girlfriend of a black doctor with the Christian background. Everyone loved him , such a ‘good guy’. It turns out that I was the placemarker, the convenient sex and company until he found the right black christian girl to marry and have a family with ( he told me arranged marriage) and it happened very quickly after he broke up with me. He also never promised committment and so morally he felt that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

I’m going to make a huge generalization , but if he’s nigerian there is a culture for dodgy ‘business’ dealings alongside medicine. Money is hugely important to this group of men.

Listen when he tells you who he is - he has made his position clear , he does not want to commit his future with you. So sorry…

He can make a claim to any property you buy if he lives in it for over 2 years anyway - you know that ? He may know it too. So he does not have to buy any house with you.

Yes. Frankly, I'd get my ducks in a row, move out when he's at work and leave a note saying "It's just not working. Good luck." with my half of the next month's rent. 🤷‍♀️

Where did you dream that? Honest you read some nonsense on here.

My ex was always ‘I want kids, but not right now’ or ‘yes a few years down the line’. When I was 37 and we’d been together 7 years he was still saying that and I realised I’d spent 7 years of my life with a man who was just keeping me on the hook.

we owned out place together so if took months to unpick as we stayed living together whilst the property was sold.

this guy sounds like his stringing you along, so maybe not tying yourself to him financially isn’t such a bad thing. But really do speak with a good solicitor about protecting the house as yours only, make sure he doesn’t have a claim and that you can evict him with relative ease in the future should things go south.

you do not want him paying rent to you for two years and then trying to claw some of that back if he leaves or claiming he needs proper notice to go.

if you do buy somewhere together in the future, I assume at that point you will be able to put in more because of this and you’ve got on the ladder earlier, again protect your stake- don’t be dragged into any ‘but we did it together’ or ‘it was me paying you rent that allowed you to get there’

also if he is taking a purely selfish approach and making the best financial decisions for him, you make the best for you. Buying is sensible, it gives you security, allows you to pay into something, and stops property inflation running away from you. Don’t for a second be put off because of him

You want a family, security, and are in your 30s - he’s stringing you along. Sorry

You’re getting a lot of frank advice about moving on and finding someone else because so many of us have been in your shoes. I was 28 and in a long term relationship with arbitrary reasons and hoops to jump through before the guy would commit. Someone unhelpfully told me that if I ditched him, I’d be left “on the shelf”. I told my brother that and he scoffed that it’s a ton better to be on a shelf than in a trolley going nowhere 😂

I did ditch the guy and fell in love with someone else. It was such a different feeling being with someone who was equally committed. Getting engaged and buying a home together just happened naturally, we both wanted it.

After five years with your guy I think you’re entitled to ask if that trolley is going anywhere and some movement towards buying a home or getting engaged. If you’re basically at the same stage you were 5 years ago then it’s been fun but it’s probably now time to find a life partner.

This along with your comment that he is from London and feels grounded there makes more sense to me. I genuinely don't think the house thing necessarily has anything to do with not wanting to commit to you (seems there may be wider issues there though). As someone who grew up in social housing in London, I also understand him not wanting to rush into the stress of home ownership in London. I think it shows a disconnect in your backgrounds in you thinking that him "growing up around wealth" would make him more interested in buying... buying a flat in London, while horrendously expensive, isn't a real delineator between rich and poor in London (there are plenty of rich people who rent and even some poor people who own) and I can understand him wanting to prioritise disposable income with that background. There will always be housing available to you both if you are doing well but everyday cashflow can be hit by unexpected expenses (tripley moreover if you own a flat in London).
I'm not saying he's right but I can see his POV on the housing situation given i have a similar background and ubderstand his higher priority of other financial goals as opposed to buying somewhere as a sign of wealth and "putting down roots" when you clearly are not struggling for housing. It might not make sense to a lot of people who had family houses growing up, and there is clear financial benefit long term to owning.... but I can understand his position.

As much as you say things have been great until this, it seems like a lot has been suppressed or not discussed at all. I would seriously end this and find someone whose family is able to meet me and any future children. A lot in your posts doesn't bode well for a happy relationship, but it seems you've kinda ignored it.

I would buy the house on my own and dump him. I wouldn't have a long term partner renting from me, it just seems so silly.

Ah, another man who a) won't commit, b) is wishy washy about having kids "in a few years".

OP - you don't have the time for this. So, so many men do this, then leave when they find someone they truly want to be with but then it's too late for the previous partner fertility-wise. You simply biologically don't have the time, ifyou want kids, to waste on a guy who has no real desire to commit to you. I have several friends that this happened to, and they all ended up childless and have had to go to therapy to try and come to term with the lies and lack of children.

Leave him. Buy your flat. Find someone else, before it's too late.

In short, I don't see an issue with you buying the place on your own, ensuring that he legally has no claim on it and if your relationship goes south, its yours. If it doesn't, you have an asset to use as a deposit if you do ever buy together.
Tbh, to me, whilst I think you do still need to have conversations about commitment and the future, it seems silly to throw your relationship away because you have different priorities on home ownership due to backgrounds, especially when it isn't stopping you from owning which is what you want..

And also, he doesn't have "commitment phobia'. This is a line trotted out by and about men who simply don't want the partner they're currently with enough. These "commitment phobes" funnily enough often meet, then swiftly marry, other women after years of "not wanting to commit" to the old partner.

X100

He is not into you. He is not your partner... he's a boyfriend. A 5 year boyfriend you have no future with.

Stop wasting your 20/30s

My "partner" was serious about me at 5 years in we have a house are married and i gave birth to his child!!!

His background/family situation may be influencing what he is feeling and thinking but don't get drawn ibto thonking you need to analyse it and try to coach him out of his current beliefs/ 'clear positon'. That's a waste of your time and energy.. You shouldn't have to persuade a boyfriend of 5 years to buy/marry/have kids with you.

If you're not convinced, look up the difference in fertility between the age you are now, and 40. Look up the difference in % chance of getting pregnant, and miscarriage rate.

Your confusion stems from the fact his argument doesn't make logical sense.

If he saw a long term future with you he would be ready to buy a shared property after 5 years, he would also have introduced you to his mother even if she did disapprove of his relationship with a white woman. I'm so sorry but fear that he will never commit to you in the way you want (marriage and babies, a house etc). I suspect he has deep rooted issues he is not being honest about. If you talk about ending things, you will finally get some honesty from him, but be prepared for it to be more than just a threat.

When someone tells you who they are listen.

Absolutely this. Keeping his options open.

This happened to my mum, they got engaged but he wouldn’t set a date because his mum didn’t want him marrying someone who wasn’t catholic.

So mum dumped him and he turned up two weeks later with a special marriage licence so they could marry straightaway but she told him where to go and married my dad within the year.

She also had a third option on the back burner incase my dad didn’t work out 🙃

I’m not sure what I find more appalling - his racist mum or how he doesn’t have a backbone to stand up for OP. @spinandspaghetti get rid of him and don’t waste any more of your fertile years. Remember, this is when fertility declines (especially after your mid 30s).