Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

[spinandspaghetti]

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

I’m really sorry to say this, but he’s never going to marry you. This man doesn’t imagine his future with you or he wouldn’t be considering risks and how to get out. I’d buy the flat but absolutely do not let him live with you. Why should he benefit from your financial decisions if he’s not willing to commit?

Finances. Can you cover the mortgage on your own? Or will you have to rent to someone? Do you have a room to rent? Are you happy to share your home with a lodger?

Relationship. I wouldn't 'rent' to your partner. All that does is add a landlord-lodger power dynamic to an already murky and mismatched relationship, where he wants a girlfriend and housemate and you want a husband and father for your children. It will skew every relationship interaction, and make it harder to end the relationship cleanly. He loses his home; you, your ability to pay the mortgage: this will not promote clear decision making.

Decision time. Are you happy to continue the relationship whilst living apart from your partner, after renting together for 4 years? Or is it time to accept that what you have now is all there is, it is the truth of the two of you together. You need to move on if you want more.

I think your boyfriend is doing exactly the right thing by you. He doesn't want to marry or share any commitment and has made his position clear. If you stay with this current boyfriend he will never allow you to have children with him and he definitely won't marry you as he doesn't see a future with you by his side.

You need to think about your real options, do you want to remain his girlfriend with no commitment, either emotional or financial, or children for the rest of your life?

Honestly, you sound like you're his convenient relationship. There's nothing wrong with you, but you're not the woman he'd marry and have children with.

5 years on and he's still purposefully stringing you along.

If you're happy to be in a relationship of convenience but no long term commitment then continue with your plans to buy a property and have him pay rent like a lodger

If you want your future to have the chance of marriage and children I think you'd be better off buying a property and ending the relationship.

Be careful and check this is the case. Probably a good idea to get legal advice. Somebody told me recently that you no longer have to be married in order to benefit in the case of a split.
I don’t know how true that is, but check.

Ah the mother not accepting you is the issue, no matter what he says.

When he says it isn't the reason, he means the opinion doesn't bother him enough to break up, but it bothers him enough to not make a big financial or emotional commitment.

My DP' mum didn't like me and despite what he said I know it was the reason he dragged his feet on commitment. Until I made a bit of effort with her and we reached a truce for his sake, then he magically speeded up the whole process. We didn't have religious issues though, just personality clash so it was easier. And I do understand it, when you're younger it's easier to thumb family, for some men with age they care more about the repercussions.

Unless his mum accepts you and he makes an effort to build that truce between you, he won't commit. The fact it's cultural, I can't see her changing her mind given she won't even meet you. And deep down there is probably a part of him wondering if choosing someone from his own culture (who presumably wouldn't divorce for religious reasons) is a safer bet than an aetheist who might. I know how the more conservative cultures think.

If you've not resolved these problems in 5 years, it's unlikely you ever will. Buy your flat, do it up for yourself then find a partner who is excited and eager to commit to you.

While I fully agree the man isn’t into OP, keeping his options open and is very, very, very unlikely to ever commit to her, do people really think she is going to dump him because the collective mind of MN told her to do so?
It is sad tho, but I don’t think the man will get a boot. We (women) tend to hold on to a hope.

I am 10 years older than you (at least) so things may be different now but I would say his statement to you says it all and his actions back that up.

I have been lambasted for this on other threads but love and passion for a relationship that drives the will to commit to someone and want babies is imperative for this to happen. My DH and I met and had our first baby within 2 years, he was 25 when my son was born and still finishing his part III to become an Architect. DH was the one driving this and was the one who sorted buying our first property, i.e he couldn't move out of the rented market quick enough. Like you we did have parental help. We didn't marry straight away but that wasn't hesitation on his part, it was about lack of money after our second DC and wanting to move to a house from a flat rather than paying for a wedding. We then had enough for a wedding we wanted with quite a few guests. I was engaged though.

Ypu want children then I'd discuss time line with him. That you start trying in the next year or its over.

I really hope you listen to the wise ones of MN @spinandspaghetti. One day he'll leave you and marry a woman his mother does approve of, who he has been dating for 6 months. If you want children, don't waste your precious fertile years on him, waiting for him to "be ready".

This is a disaster waiting to happen frankly.

You’ll have kids, his mother will want to build bridges and then you’ll have a life of bollocks trying to manage the toxicity.

He just sees you as a short term girlfriend I’m afraid. No future.

When he wants kids and marriage he will find someone of his own race/colour imho.

I hope you are OK OP . These threads are tough , there are lots of ladies on here with at lot of life experience who have seen this scenario play out again and again . It’s your life though and your emotions and it hurts . I hope though that what ever you decide that you are a little more cute in your dealings with him and more forceful about what you want from your future . It is not all about what he wants .

@spinandspaghetti

its not as simple as most posters are saying.

his life story matters massively.

buying together = commitment

likely the path to marriage and kids.

but his mum massively disapproves of you.

yous got stuff to discuss with him, but not the things you think you do.

what’s his plan here? Will he marry you and or have kids with you without her acceptance if not approval?

have any of his siblings done that?

you mention this stuff casually which it is as young professionals dating but it’s not casual.

he’s none committal because he doesn’t want to face what the next step means.

he may love you deeply but is he REALLY going to challenge his mother on this?

i have a friend from a similar background and has never married as he’s never found someone that both met all of his modern western aspirations and pleased his parents cultural and religious expectations.

had several lovely long term girlfriends but he wouldn’t move it forward with them for those reasons, though I don’t know how honest he is with himself on that.

It's sounds like the timing is wrong and he's not quite ready to go to the next level at the moment. This isn't necessarily about you at all.

Even if he was willing to buy with you I would very much advise against an even split anyway. If I read correctly all the money for a down payment is coming from your saving and your parents. It would be very unwise to buy an asset with essentially your money and have him as Co owner. Considering he is not enthusiastic it would be madness. It actually reflects well on him that he didn’t attempt to take advantage of the situation to benefit from your savings and your parents money.
I think you should cut your losses. He’s not interested in a long term commitment. Don’t invest any more of your time or money in this relationship

A thirty something woman in a 5 year stable relationship wants a family and family home. Shocker.

None of the things you want are extravagant. You are not asking for too much. You are really not asking for much at all, at this point in the relationship, and considering the age you are both in.

The only thing you can ever do, is take charge of your own life, and just hope he will at some point join you further along the line. You can't make him progress faster than he wants or pressure him. You have already tried this by bringing it up (probably repeatedly), and he has shut you down.

All you can do is build the life you want for yourself by yourself. You want a property, go it alone. You want a child, if necessary, go it alone. I don't say break up, but I do think you need to communicate that you will start moving forward on some things. You can't pressure him to move along. But similarly, he can't expect you to stand still, while you don't have the biological advantage of time that he as a man has.

Whenever I am in a mood where I need to be reminded that I am the one making my own life, I watch the movie 'Under the Tuscan Sun', which is quite empowering in this regard. Perhaps a nice one to watch for you as well.

Is it that he wouldn't be contributing any or nearly as much of the deposit, and he's wanting to keep you and your parents money seperate or wait until he can match it.

If this is the case it may be more that he is respecting you and your parents, then dragging his feet over commitment and starting a family if you want too. But also it may not, or could be both.

If you could buy with just your salary and deposit, or with his rent taken into account as a lodger, and he'd be happy to pay half the bills and mortgage without his name on the deeds then he's doing himself a huge disservice for your benifit.

If he would expect to live there rent free as "paying half your mortgage wouldn't be fair" even though he pays half a landlords and then some, then he just doesn't want to share his money with you period and that's not a good sign at all.

It sounds like the Mum is the blocker, that's a real shame for both you and him. Maybe it's time for a frank conversation with him more focused on whether he sees himself having a family with you and staying together long term than the property issue which seems secondary. Good luck!

I don’t think the mother is the blocker.

I suspect that his next gf could well be a white atheist and his mum will still not approve.
But if he decides to marry the love of his life, even if she is a white atheist and his mum only wants a black Christian girl. Then his mother will be told to put up and shut up

Unfortunately you are not the love of his life.

Buy the flat, lose the guy. He's leaving anyway, I suspect he's got someone else lined up infact and is now panicking.

If someone won't commit to actual long term plan what's the point? Sit him down, tell him you need a concrete chat and you're not there to mess around or be messed around and if necessary leave him.

Yeah.

Find someone who really really loves you, who is proud to commit, to claim you as his long term p partner snd the mother of his children.

I'm sorry OP, it's a tough message to hear. It's easy to tell yourself that you and he are different.

Much better to face the facts.

I can somewhat understand him. I took a mortgage out with someone m, the relationship has ended and I'm in debt to the tune of 400k.

I'm working like a dog to keep on top of it. My mortgage is over 2k a month.

I keep my finances completely separate now.

I would never buy another property with anyone ever again. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm not invested in them or the relationship.

Do you mean you have been left with a mortgage on a house you own which will probably be worth more than the £400,000 debt

Presumably in those mortgage payments is a chunk of money that is chipping away at the £400,000 “debt”