Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

[spinandspaghetti]

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

I speak as someone who made excuses for a decade for a man who ultimately didn't love me enough to want to fight to be with me. twenty years on he still sends me plaintive little love messages and wants to see me, even though he married someone else.

my ex may have loved me but he kept his options open and put things off until I was right against my fertility. in the end he married someone who offered him more practical (financial, economic, lifestyle) opportunities.

Your boy friend cares what his mother thinks. He may love you but if he's still prevaricating five years on it's highly likely he will end up with a woman his family accepts. It's irrelevant if this breaks his heart or he loves you more - what matters is what he does and what this means for you. These are real life-altering practical implications. It is far far harder to find a partner as a woman in your late thirties, up against waning fertility. Not so for men.

I think you should make an ultimatum and if he can't rise to it, leave. Don't make excuses for him. You can understand him and even forgive him for putting his family values first but don't excuse him and continue putting your own dreams of married life at risk. Don't leave it late like me. My heart was shattered and romantically I never truly recovered.

I always said to DH that the two biggest commitments were kids and a mortgage, the wedding was just a big party where I got to wear a nice dress.

If you're in your 30s and he's not into doing any of that yet, he may like you but you're not, in his mind at least, 'the one' and you need to make some decisions. As with other posters, I've seen too many relationships where the woman hangs on just in case her partner changes their mind, until it's too late, the relationship sours, and the man leaves to find a younger GF who can have his children.

Not buying somewhere together is the least of your problems, sorry 😢

OP, I was in exactly the same situation almost 5 years ago to the day. You’ll find my threads on mumsnet. He was a lovely partner otherwise, but wanted to put off commitment at all costs. I went ahead and bought my flat. It was the best decision ever. When we were packing up our rental property, I asked him to pack his stuff up separately and not move in just yet. A few weeks later I asked him not to move in at all.

5 years to the day (I know because my 5 yr fixed term mortgage is about to end) and I’ve met and married someone else. We’re thinking of selling each of our little flats to buy something bigger together in which we can start a family. My ex moved back with his parents and I believe still lives there and is happy too.

I can believe that he is a lovely partner OP, but it still doesn’t negate the fact that he’s just not that into you.

@spinandspaghetti I agree with this & all the other responses! ⬆️ I'm so sorry but his attitude is such a red flag. You deserve better. Get out while you still have time on your side. X

If his mum doesn't accept his white partner (still won't even met her after five years) then she's not going to accept his mixed race children. I'm going to guess that that's behind his unwillingness to commit to having kids.

I think you're at a crucial point OP. You need to have further conversations with him, and fast. I'm glad you're buying alone, to be honest. This isn't going anywhere and you need to be able to get out of this relationship without financial ties.

Please don’t waste any more time on this relationship.
He is practically shouting that he won’t commit now or in the future by his actions.
You’ve never even met his mother!
When I was the same age, I saw this record play out all the time and the man was generally married within months to someone else.
Your future self will thank you..

Hi he needs to sign a legal document to say he has no legal interest in the flat otherwise if you spilt he could say that he has paid towards it and you could be in a position where you might have to sell. Go to a solicitor asap. Also a friend was in a similar position he didn’t want to commit or buy a property, he cheated on her kicked her out of the flat and moved on with someone else. He doesn’t want any commitment sorry you are wasting your time with him.

My friend was in the same situation with an absolutely lovely Sikh man and she was white Christian.

She was a secret lover for four years.

Although he was a wonderful man, his loyalty to his mum won out and she had to leave him.

Fifteen years on, she is married (to an alcoholic arsehole, but that’s another story) and he is still single.

Im not sure you’ll get a happy ending with this one if you’re still a secret after all this time. Just don’t rush into a new relationship like my friend did.

This exactly. Your ok for now but he wants to keep his options open. End the relationship and enjoy your new found freedom and new flat.

LTB with bells on.

The fact that he is a doctor makes this much worse imo.

As such, he knows exactly what he's doing when he says to a woman in her early 30's who wants kids that he wants to wait 5 more years before TTC.

If he was a plumber or something, it is vaguely conceivable that he's not very informed about female fertility and that he doesn't understand that waiting till your later 30's means there is a larger chance of having trouble conceiving and a much larger chance that if you do conceive you might suffer the distress of miscarriage. Some blokes genuinely don't really get this. They see women having babies in their 40's and think it won't be a problem. Your DP knows exactly what sort of problems you are likely to have, and will have seen many women suffering from them.

Start fresh. Now. While you have time. This is the advise that would have saved me years of heartache if I'd been given it.

I'm sorry, but the only reason I can conceive of as to why he would rather pay more to you in rent than towards his half of a mortgage (and end up with nothing out of it) is because it means he can just walk away whenever he wants.
Nothing else really makes any sense as if your life partner is tied into owning a property, that impacts you and your flexibility anyway, unless of course you aren't going to stick around.
As everyone else has said, it really doesn't bode well for considering starting a family. He will undoubtedly string you along.

If your parent are lending you money then you should defo buy on your own, as it doesn’t seem he’s putting anything into the pot.
protect yourself rather than focusing on the idyll.

My ex did this. Refused to buy a house with me - we had been living together for several years and instead bought on his own.
I spent a lot of money on ´our’ new house, but within months he told me to leave. I lost an enormous amount.

You say the issue is just the buying of the place and that he wants to have children in a few years but the issue of children is not something you’re addressing now like the buying of property. I’ll bet in a few years things will change with children and there will be more reasons (and years added) as to why you can’t have them.

This must be very hard to read and even harder to genuinely accept.

but -

1. His mother will never accept a white woman as her daughter in law.
2. his mother will never accept mixed-race grandchildren
3. He will ultimately, and very suddenly, one day, “in a few years time” dump you and find an alternative that keeps mum happy. Men have done this since time immemorial.
4. At that point “in a few years time” your fertility will have declined rapidly possibly.

It’s a sunk investment scenario isn’t it - you feel you’ve already invested X and Y - why not stay/change his mind - otherwise X and Y have been such a waste.

But you haven’t wasted your tomorrow. Yet. Your tomorrow is still all yours. Please act now.

And if you notice I haven’t mentioned house buying once in my reply to you. My instincts didn’t even get to the house issue. Do you see what that tells you? The house issue is immaterial except for being a huge flashing red sign asking you to turn around now
.

don’t give up your tomorrow.

He’s a doctor. Does this mean he also works funny shifts and has a ready made excuse whenever he doesn’t want to do something (or wants to do something without you?)

This career, along with having not met his mum after 5 yrs, makes alarm bells ring for me.

sorry OP, I’m with the run fast and run far group.

You have been together 5 years - he should know by now if you are the right person for him. This will be really hard, but I think you should break up with him. He just isn't sufficiently committed to a future with you. Frankly, you deserve better.

I would buy the flat, rent out the second room (if there is one) to someone else, and when you're ready, start dating again. I was really worried about being single at 30 (and stayed too long in a relationship that wasn't working out for this reason), but it's not a big deal. I am now 38, married to an amazing man, with a son and a second on the way. Please don't waste your 30s on someone who doesn't value your time.

Op, it may sound callous of me but just enjoy what you have.
The perfect lodger for "now" and I hope you charge him full rent incl bills and make the most of that financial input!

Do not let him skimp and live off you. You gave him the opportunity to share this investment and he turned it down.

So he wants you to buy and presumably for him to move there? He sounds like a 20 year old with his non committal attitude to both you and life. I would be reassessing my relationship with him.

I think it's sensible to not financially tie yourself to someone.

There's always a change you could split up. People who are in love, get married, have a family, live together another 10 years after the children are grown up, still split up at some point (yes people also stay together but the possibility is always there that something will change)

Even if he loves you now, you could change, he could change, your needs or wants could change as could his.

He's sensible to know this. And I do mean "know" because that is true, it could always happen.

At that point if it does he doesn't want to be having to hire lawyers, reportage, find money to buy you out, prolong agony, and why would he?

And he shouldn't have to.

I'd be very wary. He can't commit to a house in your early 30s. How the heck will he commit to kids? I suspect you'll get to mid-30s and he'll still be asking for just a few more years....

You don't want to buy in a place you don't feel settled and don't want to live.

The price drops are irrelevant - they will drop more, but as you say it's cheaper than rent and also in the long term they will be up.

Are you sure you'd get approved for a mortgage on your own? As banks much prefer couples so there's a higher threshold to meet if it's just you. Also got to factor in all the extra costs of owning leasehold if it's a flat.

It's also not forever, you could sell in 5 years and do what you want.

Don't have kids with the wrong person - there are very viable options available to women today. Frozen eggs often have a 90% success rate if you have enough done and you don't have fertility problems. And that way you're adding probably a decade on to your time if not more. If you're early 30s ideally you want to do it before 36, but even that probably gives you a few more years than what you were originally thinking.

Does black = asian? They only introduce you to their mother when they are thinking marriage. You havent met his mother, he is not planning to stay with you for life.

Sorry to join the chorus but this is not going to end as you want and you are wasting your fertile years on him. Move on, dont let him move in.