The neighbours are going to hate us

[Potentialneighboursfromhell]

I've just signed for the keys for a flat for me and my DC, it's on the first floor of a small block. There are 8 or 10 flats in total.

I wasn't in a position to hang about hoping something on a ground level came up.

I have 3 DC one of which has autism and adhd.

I came to the new property today to drop off a few bits ahead of the big move next week. The kids were excited, running around.

A downstairs neighbour came up to see if everything was OK and what all the noise was (it was the kids running around - this being the first time they had seen the place and they were excited)

I explained and apologised, the neighbour was fine but I got a sinking feeling as soon as I closed the door. My children are going to drive that poor man and his family mad. DS especially. He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

I've been treading on egg shells the rest of the time we've been here. Telling the kids to "shh" and be quiet, take your shoes off so they don't hear you walking about, lower your voices, don't do this don't do that.

It's going to be hell for everybody. Kids included.

I've made a mistake haven't I? What the hell am I going to do now 😔

laminate is a tricky one. Why do people put it in flats?
As a suggestion, you could put down some of those foam tiles in the nosiest areas- I have them in DS bedroom for under the chair and wooden train set. (The kind that sometimes have letters or numbers on for nursery kids.
I have seen lots of them available on freecycle and the like and they have made a real difference on sound coming through his bedroom floor (we are on 2 floors so we can hear exactly how bad it is below)

I have a similar issue with downstairs single neighbour, although we are fully carpeted and he did 18 months of sound proofing works during the pandemic, which obviously didn't work. My ds is just lively too, not ND.

I've got crash mats coming atm, 2inch thick ones like for bouncy castles for the living room (it's a large 3 bed flat with large rooms - as is downstairs, same layout). And big shag rugs for the hallway, apparently they absorb sound better than flat rugs.

Good luck...

Moving costs a fortune, it's not that simple and she has to live somewhere.

Landlords ought to be made to be more responsible for noise insulation

I was in a Hard surfaces Apartment once. I had no idea the impact we must have been having downstairs. Then one day I heard a noise above me for the first time, and realised I must have been a nightmare for the downstairs people.

Could you ask the landlord to put down some carpeting given the neighbours have already complained? And mention the smell of weed as a concern in the same conversation…it might make them more receptive to the carpet request.

If your DC with ASD/ADHD tends to be up at night and potentially noisy, could you make sure their room isn’t above your neighbour’s bedroom?
Could something like the fold up IKEA gym mats work as a thicker layer under foot in the children’s bedrooms/play area?

I've been where you are - we rented the upper floors of a house for years with an autistic DD who does make noise. I won't lie, it did make me tense about disturbing the downstairs neighbours (nobody ever complained, but tenants did come and go on the ground floor and I always thought they didn't like living below us.)

All you can do is strike a balance between knowing that your family has a right to exist, and being as considerate as you can.

You said you told the children to take their shoes off - this suggests you might be a shoes on household normally, and you really can't be on the first floor, especially if it's not carpeted.

Put as many rugs down as you can in the high traffic areas.

Obviously you can't stop children being children and you shouldn't live in fear of them making noise, but there's nothing wrong in trying to get them to understand that they need to be considerate of downstairs, especially early morning for example. So maybe a visual aid with a clock time to show no running before 8am or whatever. Children especially autistic kids can respond really well to structure and expectations.

Yes - it’s just going to be stressful for everyone. She can’t move now but a ground floor flat would have been far more suitable.

Congrats on your new home.

Don't shush the kids. This is their home. But set out the rules and then repeat, repeat, repeat. Shoes off at the door. Walk, don't run. No shouting (if you want to speak to someone, go and find them. Don't yell across the flat.) No jumping. No bouncing on the beds.

This, and putting down rugs or carpet will help a great deal. Your children should be comfortable in their home and behave reasonably given someone is beneath them.

Your son's behaviour is what it is. You can only do your best and no more.

Try and knock on their door when the kids aren’t around and explain your circumstances to them. Apologise in advance, give them your number and admit that you’re worried about causing them any issues but that you also don’t want to add to your children’s stress by constantly telling them to be quiet out of stress for the situation. If your neighbours are disposed to be empathetic then they will do their best to understand and you might even find that they become good allies to have. They might just say thanks for letting us know and then complain amongst themselves. They might be unpleasant now or in near future - in which case that’s how they were going to be anyway, and there’s nothing much you can do about it.

best to take the bull by the horns and then you have to let nature take its course. Good luck xx

This.

To tip:

Buy a very very good underlay for the rug but don't put it down until the neighbour complains. When he does, say you will try hard and then lay it. The reduction in noise will make him happy, thinking you are trying, and he will feel like you are nice.

I'm manipulative but it works.

Also, kill him with kindness. Easter cornflake nests 'from the children', cupcakes and so on. People find it hard to hate people who are nice to them.

Apologise in advance, give them your number and admit that you’re worried about causing them any issues

Don't do this. You have no idea if the neighbours play loud music until 4am, regularly through parties, smoke in the flat, or or just unreasonable complainers. They could be creating much more noise than you.

Don't complain for existing. And don't give someone you don't know the ability to send you harassing texts every time one of the dc jumps out of bed.

Do your best to behave reasonably. Keep the noise to the best level you can without stressing over every sound.

Are you renting or have you bought it?

I think the neighbour was probably just being nosy, everyone loves to have a nose at new neighbours. Plus the sound will be alot quieter once you move everything in. Ultimately though - children make noise and if your neighbours don't like it then they need to go and buy a detached house in the middle of nowhere! I would 100% go and knock with a box of chocs at some point though and just have a polite conversation- "My kids are pretty boisterous, Il try and keep it down as best as I can, please text me if any problems". They will probably be like oh no it's fine! Inside they may fume on the odd occasion, but hopefully they are reasonable enough to let it pass. Neighbours above me are always banging about, they have a toddler like me, and they said the tenant who lived in my flat before me moaned about the noise, I just went "oh no I don't hear anything!" Because I don't want them to have to think they have to tiptoe around their own home.

I feel sorry for your new neighbours 😢

@Broadbeachshallow yes good point I suppose. Maybe get the lie of the land first. Nothing wrong with saying in passing though "oh hope we're not too noisy up here"

At the same time as all these suggestions remember the Landlord has chosen not to soundproof and carpet and they have let to a family.

Those foam floor mats for vibrations are amazing!! And they keep your home warmer too

This sort of thing

You beat me to it I was about to say these mats under rugs too. Nobody has To know you have them but it’s extra sound proofing and cushion for feet.

Jesus christ, I am sorry about your brother but what do you think it achieves posting that here to someone who can only try and minimise the noise?

Not everyone can afford something else or fiddle about with soundproofing! OP it's not illegal to have a DC with additional needs who may make additional noise at times. Don't let yourself get anxious about noise and neighbours, enjoy your new home!

Fill your home with rubber mats, beanbags and thick rugs.

We have heaps of floor cushions and a huge sofa. It does help calm them down

(I hate bangy noise myself so I do my best to stop the kids from leaping about before our neighbour complains)

Yes, this too. Putting rugs down is one thing but I wouldn't be carpeting a private let out of my own pocket.

I think be as good a neighbour as you can manage - rugs etc, no late night noise, but at the end of the day, they chose to also live in a ground floor flat. There will ALWAYS be noise.