The neighbours are going to hate us

[Potentialneighboursfromhell]

I've just signed for the keys for a flat for me and my DC, it's on the first floor of a small block. There are 8 or 10 flats in total.

I wasn't in a position to hang about hoping something on a ground level came up.

I have 3 DC one of which has autism and adhd.

I came to the new property today to drop off a few bits ahead of the big move next week. The kids were excited, running around.

A downstairs neighbour came up to see if everything was OK and what all the noise was (it was the kids running around - this being the first time they had seen the place and they were excited)

I explained and apologised, the neighbour was fine but I got a sinking feeling as soon as I closed the door. My children are going to drive that poor man and his family mad. DS especially. He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

I've been treading on egg shells the rest of the time we've been here. Telling the kids to "shh" and be quiet, take your shoes off so they don't hear you walking about, lower your voices, don't do this don't do that.

It's going to be hell for everybody. Kids included.

I've made a mistake haven't I? What the hell am I going to do now 😔

Have you considered applying to Family Fund for help with the purchase of carpets, rugs etc?

It done now you can not change it. However, I would definitely recommend waiting for a ground floor in the future. Families with neurodivergent children are more likely to receive noise complaints. I would be open about your child's difficulties and be very apologetic.

Some people in this thread are twats. I’d rather live underneath you than anywhere in the vicinity to their narrow minded selves. Sorry OP I know it’s hard with an ASD child subject to meltdowns and no a child with ASD can’t be parented out of that manifestation of their disability 🙄

I think you will need to ask your landlord for permission if you want to carpet. Particularly if it was their former home, they may well be very concerned that laying carpet will damage their laminate flooring and have an opinion on this.

if you can carpet though it does show good willing to your neighbours. And if you can’t I second the impact reducing mats underneath rugs along with lots of beanbags and large cushions to help muffle the sounds of any meltdown related banging.

I wouldn't worry about the front door, your neighbour will have been hearing that for years. I also wouldn't give out your number, but I would pop down a week or two after moving in and say you don't yet know how the sound carries so you want to check how much noise he's getting and what kinds. Even if you can't do much about it, it helps to be proactive.

Don’t worry too much Potential. My adult child with Autism & LD is really noisy. I do my best to mitigate, but she is undeniably LOUD. I live in an end of terrace and we have had several different sets of neighbours during our time here. They have all been kind and understanding. Even denying they hear any noise, which I know is not true! One set of neighbours came round to ask us (politely) about the noise, accepted our explanation of disability, and we became friends. You and your children have aright to enjoy your home. You can only do your best to minimise noise and, in my experience, that is enough for reasonable neighbours. I hope you are happy in your new home.

This. 100%. The second time I had to complain to my neighbours was mortifying for me. I was battling with myself prior to speaking up (both times)
. But it was because nothing was done in the first place. I only complained a second time because if anything, the noise got worse! Awful awful awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through something similar.

I suspect OP actually writing here though and seeming considerate and self-aware shows her willingness/eagerness to try to remedy the situation.

Most people are good and willing to listen/learn/compromise. A good neighbour is a godsend. A bad one though, will ruin your life.

Well said and such good advice preceding it by other posters. Enjoy your home, you’re doing what you can, and don’t spend your time worrying about that neighbor.

I live in NYC, where basically everyone lives in a flat. The general rule is that 80% of the floor should be covered in rugs or carpet - it's a requirement in a lot of buildings. Layering rugs is also popular - get some of the massive jute rugs from Ikea that take up loads of space, and add smaller rugs on top in high-traffic areas. Put foam playmats down in kids rooms to further cover the sound of them hurling themselves off the bed or whatever.

Don’t worry about it. We definitely drove our neighbours crazy with our SEN child but there was -nothing- to be done about it. They never complained because they knew there was nothing anyone could do but I could see the impact.

Live in a detached house now but not something most have the choice to change.

Hello,

My advice would be similar to others carpets, rugs etc.

Are you sure when they came to see you there weren't just being noisy to see who was moving in? 😂

I have lived in a first flat with my son for a few months and it was hard work keeping him quiet enough that we didn’t feel inconsiderate.

However, downstairs neighbours (both adults) were utter imbeciles who genuinely had no respect at all (music, shouting matches etc til 2-3am every night, and if we were lucky enough for them to be out they left their dog that barked incessantly).

All types of neighbours can be a nightmare, not just those with kids.

Our upstairs neighbours were great and they had a 4/5 year old!

The problem with flats is you have lots of neighbours and you can’t choose them and have to live with noise that you can’t control, which is very difficult.

Make every effort to get the place carpeted and minimise the noise that will travel, but honestly it’s your home and you have a right to live their normally. I’d say the neighbour is naive living below a 3 bed flat and not expecting a family to be living their!

I definitely wouldn't give a neighbour my phone number. Lots of potential for annoyance or harassment.

I would also be surprised that your neighbour came round. There's always noise when someone moves in.

Carpet is very expensive and only worthwhile if you have a long tenancy.

If you do want to get those EVA interlocking mats, consider whether the smell might be a problem. You don't want to buy a load and find your children don't tolerate them.

I'm sure you will be as considerate as possible, but you don't have to apologise for existing. It's nothing avoidable like keeping a dog or playing loud music.

I hope you are very happy in your new flat x

living below someone noisy is hell on earth. We had fraught relations with our upstairs neighbours and ended up selling our flat for our own sanity.
is there no option to pull out, where do you live now?

As mum to a now audit with disabilities ( autism ) I don’t think anyone with a kids on the spectrum should be made to live on a flat , asd kids need room and space . This being said the neighbours are I’ll have to suck it up because your kids are being kids . Try not to overthink it . Put some rugs down , get the kids fluffy socks and just let them be themselves

I'm just catching up on the previous page. So many really supportive comments and ideas thank you all so much, rest assured I'm taking note of everything and will try to reply to all questions.

waves to other parents of children with SN

You haven’t mentioned if you’re neurodivergent too.A key symptom of ADHD can be rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Did he really complain or was it his way of explaining why he’d come for a nosey and you’re being overly sensitive at the perceived rejection?

It's highly likely I do have ADHD (inattentive type) yes. You've got me wondering now.. I do tend to think the worst when it comes to people's perception of me. Looking back I do have a tendency to over think my interactions with people.. have I misread this whole thing? Eeeek 😵‍💫

This reminds me of a thread last summer, or maybe the one before, when a lady couldn’t use her back garden because of the noise a disabled child was making in next door’s garden. It all got rather heated and the thread was pulled. No easy answers

She's not contemplating apologising for existing. Where did that come from?

Noise is a huge issue. Ruins lives, so please don't belittle her neighbour downstairs. We should all be able to live in peace and quiet if we want to.

And this is what noise can do to people. Please take it seriously.

The thing is that a neighbour struggling with noise from the flat above can choose to move to get away.

A mum of 3, one with ASD, has to live somewhere. She can’t just choose to float around in the ether to avoid inconveniencing those around her. And believe me complaints do come whether you live in a flat, a terraced house or a fully detached house from those with little empathy or tolerance.

Absolutely nothing this mum has said indicates she is not taking this seriously - she has literally posted for advice on how to minimise her impact before she has even moved in and caused a problem!

The thing is that a neighbour struggling with noise from the flat above can choose to move to get away

Yeah cos it's that easy.

I’ve lived in my ground floor flat for 12 years. 10 years were peaceful as both myself and my upstairs neighbours worked nights, I rent from an agency and when I started my lease they only rented to working professionals with no children as the flats are 1-2 bedrooms and in a remote area by a river and no pavement if you walk to the nearest town.

Two years ago a couple moved in above me and they had shared custody of 3 girls aged 6-15. They rented on the basis they had the kids for 1 night every other week - that turned out to be a big lie and the kids stay Thursday - Monday every week.

I never heard my old neighbour and often didn’t know if he was at home or not, my current neighbours are the total opposite.
now there is constant stomping, running and jumping, screaming and arguing and crying. The eldest is always shouting and slamming doors, the youngest is high pitched screaming like she’s being murdered and the dad seems to have anger issues. He regularly has tantrums shouting and swearing and the kids are crying, you can hear things been thrown and glass smashing and it sounds like he’s jumping up and down. They never seem to go out and are just in a small flat together day and night.

I have been to complain and my male neighbour gets nasty and swears at me and has threatened to damage my car.
if I make any noise at all he tries to intimidate me, I have PTSD especially around men so I am scared of him and stopped confronting him and I’m scared to complain now.
when they first moved I wrote to the agency I rent from with along with the other neighbours, I felt safer with numbers rather then individual complaints. The agent I speak to is sympathetic and doesn’t seem keen on the tenants, she said they constantly complain and were even phoning up shouting and swearing because I had a new kitchen fitted! I was told it’s difficult to get rid of them with them having kids.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and being at home was always my safe space, the constant noise has made me a nervous wreck. When it’s quiet I’m on edge waiting for it to start, I don’t sleep well because the kids room is above mine with 3 kids crammed together constantly making noise. I feel like I can never relax and it’s ruining my life, I’ve read a few posts where people say that’s just a part of living in flats, but flats just aren’t suitable for some people.
i’m also scared of making too much noise myself and so I can see the other side of how anxious it makes you feel to be constantly monitoring it and bothering about every little noise you make. I’ve been screamed at for using my hair dryer and washing machine at 8.30 at night and end up tiptoeing around.

I had the police in my flat last weekend taking a statement for an incident I witnessed and they heard the noise and they were appalled, I made an official report following their advice concerning the kids being screamed at and the smashing sounds and I’m keeping an evidence diary.
i think you need to rethink your living situation as soon as possible, it’s the worst feeling to be constantly unhappy and anxious at home.
in thd meantime if you can make sure the kid’s bedrooms are away from your neighbours so they can at least get some sleep. If you try to minimise running about and jumping and let your neighbours know you are trying then that should help keep the peace between you. I know my neighbours don’t care at all about the noise they make and it makes it so more upsetting If they made any kind of effort to reduce their noise I’d be able to cope much better and if it’d make me less anxious. I can’t even sit in my living took till the kids go to sleep because their living room is above mine, I’ve had to move lots of things into my bedroom and stay in there.
I know how hard it is to move and you have my sympathy, it might be worth it though rather then living in misery.

One more thought. We've been shusshing and telling off our 4 year old for running around (between 7am and 7pm only, he's in bed otherwise, asleep or not), for the last couple of years. I would not do it again if I had the chance, despite the harassment (attempts to wake the children late at night) we've had from downstairs - didn't report/record for police as we own and were hoping to move to a house this year, but COL crisis... I'm now working to undo the damage, but I fear he will always be anxious.

Decent underlay and carpet will make a massive difference

Having lived in a flat below a family for 2 years and quite frankly being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, what I would suggest is to get the kids out of the flat to play/run around at any opportunity. Our upstairs neighbours never left their home. From morning to night the noise was relentless. 7am to 11 or 12 at night. Non stop jumping, running and banging. Endless. No break from it. Hard to believe that it was all day long, but it was. They ignored our pleas. We worked from home most days. Couldn’t concentrate. It was soul destroying. Their landlord refused to do anything. If they at least left the flat for a few hours a day we wouldn’t have been on edge all the time. If they had made an effort to stop noise before and after a certain time we might have been able to live with it a bit better. But there was absolutely no effort to be neighbourly. A bit of effort to give the neighbours some quiet time might go a long way.

I do sympathise with those of you who've had unapologetic noisy neighbours. It sounds truly miserable and I can understand how it can grind you down.

I'll be doing all I can to minimise the noise, that goes without saying.

Whilst I know DS like the back of my hand he can be unpredictable and there's absolutely no way I can prevent every meltdown, hopefully they'll be understanding.

It's too late to back out of the flat. I have given notice on my current property, paid my deposit and rent in advance, booked the removal van. It has to go ahead.