To not understand the expectation of privacy re phones

[sometimestoomuch]

Among people you are close with but I guess I'm talking about partners really. My boyfriend has looked through my phone before (to look at my pictures) without my knowledge and while I was a bit embarrassed I don't actually care. I've looked at his. Granted I'm a nosy person.
The strength of feeling on this is baffling to me... what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private? For me it doesn't go beyond embarrassment, and if it did it would signify some kind of wrongdoing tbh.

Is it all one big cheater conspiracy? A woman will post on here suspecting her partner of cheating and God forbid she lets slip that she looked at his phone or the entire thread will become about how INSANE she is

" what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private?"

My selfies 😂

I don't have to share every aspect of my life with my partner. We are not one person.

Why were you embarrassed?

Doesn’t just boil down to evidence of cheating anything can be misinterpreted. What about a text from DH to his father moaning about your mother? It’s not hurting anyone as long as you don’t read it….

My mumsnet habit 😂

Conversations with friends for starters.

Over the years I can think of numerous conversations that would have been a massive betrayal had DH read - a friend in a DV situation, another friend who was sexually assaulted confiding in me because she knows I had also experienced it, and that’s just for starters.

People are entitled to privacy. Regardless of having a partner or spouse.

Its basic manners.

Dear god, yes. I should clear history every time I put my phone down 😂

Exactly lol but it's not the end of the world if he sees them!

I believe in being able to maintain a certain level of privacy despite being married. DH and I don't know what we each spend our personal money on, we don't inspect what each other reads/writes online, don't inspect personal correspondence or demand to know what we each do with our free time.

For me, it would be the same as someone going through my bag, my laptop or my bedside table. I massively value my privacy.

My phone contains pictures, notes, documents, financial info - all kinds of things! Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t give someone carte blanche to know absolutely everything about you, that’s stifling and toxic.

That is a good point actually... hadn't occurred to me because for me and my partner we don't have these kinds of conversations over text

We have an 'open phone policy' here - both know each other's pass codes and freely use each other's phones if need be.

I don't go reading through all his messages etc. It's a trust thing.

I do take your point that it could be suspicious if someone is highly protective of their phone. But I'd also question a partner who felt the need to trawl through everything on their partner's phone (unless they suspected they were cheating).

Do you close your curtains at night?
Do you email /whatsapp your friends or just communicate with them publicly on social media?
Do you publish your medical records and tax returns?
Announce your accoubt balance when you leave the cashpoint?

Your partner isn't your child. They deserve to have some privacy.

You don't understand the expectation of privacy whereas most people don't understand not expecting privacy.

I also don't see the issue with this - the wife and I both couldn't care less if one of us went on their phone.
People with an issue with it generally have something to hide in my experience - my ex was sleeping with two other men, and as expected went absolutely batshit when I suggested I'd find all the evidence on her phone if I went on it.

Do you not have private conversations with family and friends via IM? No embarrassing purchases in your Amazon history? No selfies you have taken of rashes/ mouth ulcers/ sensitive places? No private thoughts you have noted down on a note taking app?

Man being private with his phone = Definitely cheating.
Woman being private with her phone = Has a right to privacy which must be respected.

I have nothing on my phone if any interest to my DP. He grabs it at times to do the odd thing. I am
not in the slightest bit bothered.

It sounds like you’re uncomfortable deep down with your relationship and want to normalise it for yourself tbh.

Some of the conversations I have with my friends are private though. I don't expect my partner to follow me around listening to every conversation I have. Him going through my phone would feel the same to me.

Being married to someone doesnt give them a right to invade my privacy.

I have personal texts with friends and their private business, my search history, all sorts.

My husband has no interest in mine and I have no interest in his. Do we freely open and use them to ring and find our own phones or of we lose charge - yes.

I'd be livid if anyone went through my messages.

Personal conversations with people who wish to share the information they're disclosing with me or I only want to share with one specific person at that point in time, not every nosy parker that thinks they have a right to monitor my communications because privacy is cheating.

But also trashy romance ebooks, the search history of all the stupid questions i've googled, photos of me trying on outfits that I decided look bad, random notes to self, ranty emails and texts i've drafted but not sent because I wanted to vent but wouldn't every actually send/say those things, none of which would necessarily be a massive deal but I still want them private and would be uncomfortable if somebody else went through them without my permission.

It’s great you don’t care..

Other people do.

It's more the principle of it I think? There's not much on my phone I'd be bothered about anyone seeing really, but I wouldn't rummage through someone's bedside table or handbag for the same reason: people deserve to have some things that are personal or 'theirs', particularly where there might be room for embarassment or overseeing something personal.

Having said that with phones specifically I think it's because it indicates lack of trust, and there's zero point in your relationship at that point anyway - if DH went through my phone, it wouldn't be the phone itself or what he'd see that I'd be bothered about, it'd be that he clearly didn't trust me. And vice versa - by the time I got to snooping looking for something, I may as well just end things. So for me it's less about the invasion of privacy on phones and more that it's pointless - just cut your losses.

Private things friends have told me about their lives/heath/struggles.

Posts on here when I've been looking for help dealing with certain feelings/situation.

My lists of Christmas/birthday etc gift ideas for people including DH (add to it all year long when I think of things).

Emails confirming orders for said gifts or surprises.

And that's just off the top of my head...