Page 4 | To not understand the expectation of privacy re phones

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:22

KrisAkabusi · 05/04/2023 13:22

Being nosy isn't a good thing!

I didn't say it was!

OP posts:

CarpetSlipper · 05/04/2023 13:22

If my partner needed to use my phone for a purpose such as taking a photo, using the internet or making a phonecall I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
If he just picked up my phone and started scrolling through messages I’d feel like I was being monitored.
Same as I’m happy to tell my partner/kids to get something out of my handbag but would find it odd if they just went through it for no obvious reason.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 05/04/2023 13:23

I have nothing to hide but I don't appreciate my privacy being invaded without my consent thank you.

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:23

KStockHERO · 05/04/2023 13:11

There are kind of 'tiers' of privacy, though. The space between being ruthlessly protective and somewhat secretive with your phone, and completely open to the point you're basically sharing the phone is absolutely huge.

And each individual couple will find the groove that's right for them, most likely somewhere in the middle.

Agree

OP posts:

Lovesacake · 05/04/2023 13:24

I think there’s a difference between my partner using my phone, I.e cos his is dead, which is fine, and my partner reading through all my previous messages, emails, hunting through every app and checking what websites I’ve visited…which is very much not fine. Nobody thinks it’s ok to have a good root around in someone else’s phone surely?

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2023 13:25

I’m open with my phone if I want to show my dh something or if he wants to use it to look something up. I wouldn’t be happy about him just looking through my messages or my photos though, we’re all entitled to our own private thoughts and spaces - I would never ever do location sharing. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with as a couple though

KrisAkabusi · 05/04/2023 13:26

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:22

I didn't say it was!

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You said:
this there's the assumption that the phone is being looked at in a paranoid way rather than a casual and nosy way

implying that there's nothing wrong with being casual and nosy. Which is very wrong. You clearly have no idea about boundaries and privacy.

Ohmy88 · 05/04/2023 13:29

🤣 this!

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:29

Bizzle123 · 05/04/2023 13:17

I’m with you OP. It often baffles me how strongly people react on MN to someone looking on their partner’s phone.

I don’t care if my DH looks at my phone and vice versa. But I’ve also learned from MN that my idea of what is “normal” in a relationship is not necessarily so. Eg we share all finances, there is no “my money / his money”. I used to think most couples did this but it’s only because of MN that I realise we are possibly in the minority.

I think on balance if someone sees their phone as their personal space, then of course it should be respected by their partner. But I do wish mumsnetters would not jump on it so vehemently when someone dares confess to looking at a phone if, for example, they suspect cheating or think something is off.

Clearly from this thread there are people that have good reason for being protective of their phones and presumably they communicate that with their partner but it isn't always the case and it's so unhelpful when entire threads are derailed by the horror at someone (whose situation you don't know) looking through their partner's phone.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/04/2023 13:30

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:22

It's best if we all just agree that everything about me is superior

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It’s clear you think so.

well done you.

Womencanlift · 05/04/2023 13:33

Anycolouryoulike · 05/04/2023 12:38

I don't have to share every aspect of my life with my partner. We are not one person.

This definitely!

I don’t go into my DPs phone and he doesn’t go into mine. We both know each other’s passwords but I suppose it’s respect to us. That’s our own little world where we can look at anything, talk to anyone and buy anything without scrutiny from another person

I don’t get this way of thinking that you can only be in a committed relationship if you share absolutely everything

DP and I are gloriously happy (yes OP you don’t need to be the only smug person when it comes to their relationship) but we don’t look at phones, we don’t track each others movements and we definitely don’t share money. That’s the deal breaker for me in any relationship, not because of any past relationships but because I have worked with financial advisors for too long

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:34

KrisAkabusi · 05/04/2023 13:26

You said:
this there's the assumption that the phone is being looked at in a paranoid way rather than a casual and nosy way

implying that there's nothing wrong with being casual and nosy. Which is very wrong. You clearly have no idea about boundaries and privacy.

Show quote history

All that implies is that it's different to being paranoid. Nosiness isn't going get you secretly following your other half to work.

OP posts:

MeinKraft · 05/04/2023 13:34

xogossipgirlxo · 05/04/2023 12:35

" what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private?"

My selfies 😂

Yes!! Selfies, mumsnet. Random things I've googled, I don't want to explain to someone why I googled what height Sean Bean is or how many grams of iron is in sausages. My partner doesn't need to know I was so keen to get a Chinese at the weekend I rang them 27 times until I got through, or that I've been googling 'cysts on vulva.' Your phone is like the window to the horribly embarrassing thoughts in your head.

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:35

Womencanlift · 05/04/2023 13:33

This definitely!

I don’t go into my DPs phone and he doesn’t go into mine. We both know each other’s passwords but I suppose it’s respect to us. That’s our own little world where we can look at anything, talk to anyone and buy anything without scrutiny from another person

I don’t get this way of thinking that you can only be in a committed relationship if you share absolutely everything

DP and I are gloriously happy (yes OP you don’t need to be the only smug person when it comes to their relationship) but we don’t look at phones, we don’t track each others movements and we definitely don’t share money. That’s the deal breaker for me in any relationship, not because of any past relationships but because I have worked with financial advisors for too long

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(yes OP you don’t need to be the only smug person when it comes to their relationship)

I'm not smug!

OP posts:

ShiverOfSharks · 05/04/2023 13:36

Dotjones · 05/04/2023 13:05

If you trust your partner you won't have any problem with them looking through your phone, but if they trust you they won't need to.

Of course I'd have a problem with him looking through my phone. My trust for him doesn't give him carte blanche to read my diary or my personal writing. And my friends wrote certain things to me believing they would only be seen by me, not by me and DH.

It is not (just) about trust. It is about the fact that everyone is entitled to private thoughts and conversations.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/04/2023 13:37

Interesting thing is my WhatsApp def has convos with friends I wouldn't want him to see- his messages and WhatsApp on the other hand have nothing remotely personal from one bloke to another. Maybe men's friendships on the whole are less about disclosing relationship or health stuff etc ??

Topseyt123 · 05/04/2023 13:37

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:35

(yes OP you don’t need to be the only smug person when it comes to their relationship)

I'm not smug!

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Smug is exactly how you are coming across.

Malarandras · 05/04/2023 13:38

I’m a private person so for me privacy is a big deal. My phone is mine, nobody else’s. There is nothing untoward on it. But that’s not the point for me. I’m single now but when I was married he never looked through my phone, I never looked through his. It never would have crossed my mind to ask.

Some people might find that odd, I find it slightly odd that other people let folk look through their phone. But at the end of the day we are all different and do things our own way. And that’s fine.

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:39

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/04/2023 13:05

Why does people who do things differently piss you off so much?

if you do things differently to the majority then it’s quite odd to be so bothered by it.

If you’re as happy and secure in your set up as you claim to be why does it matter that other people do things differently?

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I think you have a problem with reading comprehension

OP posts:

Original poster

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:40

Topseyt123 · 05/04/2023 13:37

Smug is exactly how you are coming across.

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how ? I'm not so it must be miscommunication

OP posts:

CherryBlossom321 · 05/04/2023 13:41

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 12:58

You're just jealous that I'M in a relationship and YOU aren't

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😬😳

DanceMonster · 05/04/2023 13:42

Even if messages from friends don’t contain anything particularly personal, they were sent to me, not my husband. I would be annoyed if friends partners were regularly reading messages I sent to them, in fact I would stop contacting them if I knew my messages were being read by someone else.

DontLikeMenthols · 05/04/2023 13:42

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:35

(yes OP you don’t need to be the only smug person when it comes to their relationship)

I'm not smug!

Show quote history

phew that’s good, cos there’s nothing to be smug about when you and your boyfriend are so icky that you have to go through each others phones every now and again cos you’re ‘nosey’ 😂

OP have you considered that some people don’t care what their partners do on their phone? They don’t want to ‘nose’ through their partners photos, videos, messages etc. when my boyfriend goes out with his friends I don’t ask to tag along so I can listen to his conversations cos I’m ‘nosey’ haha I just don’t care

lifehappens12 · 05/04/2023 13:44

I will give you an example - my exhusband used to read my personal emails and messages.

Apparently when my phone unlocked it automatically took him to a 10 year old messenger conversation I was having with a friend (ie he had scrolled down 10 years of chat) and read something he didn't like that I had done when I was much younger and didn't know him.

So I am touchy about my privacy

DilemmaADay · 05/04/2023 13:45

Me and DH have each others passwords and leave our phones lying around all the time, but we never go on each others phone unless ordering a takeaway or something, and he'll pass me the phone to do my part of the order.

We are very honest and open with each other but I would be annoyed if he read my messages from my friends. Just because I love and trust my DH doesn't mean I think my friends love him enough to share their secrets with. Equally I have a few friends where I certainly don't like their partners enough for them to be reading personal things about me I sent privately on message.

This reminds me of a friend where we'd have a (prearranged) call and suddenly her DP would pipe up responding to something in the background. I like the DP but bloody hell....if I knew I was on loudspeaker I'd have kept things a bit more shallow