To not understand the expectation of privacy re phones

[sometimestoomuch]

Among people you are close with but I guess I'm talking about partners really. My boyfriend has looked through my phone before (to look at my pictures) without my knowledge and while I was a bit embarrassed I don't actually care. I've looked at his. Granted I'm a nosy person.
The strength of feeling on this is baffling to me... what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private? For me it doesn't go beyond embarrassment, and if it did it would signify some kind of wrongdoing tbh.

Is it all one big cheater conspiracy? A woman will post on here suspecting her partner of cheating and God forbid she lets slip that she looked at his phone or the entire thread will become about how INSANE she is

I have conversations with friends saved on my phone which I would consider private. I have friends who I have confided in via WhatsApp about subjects such as being sexually assaulted, self harm, suicidal feelings, grief and I have shared embarrassing health issues such as bedwetting etc. I would be mortified if they were handing over their phones to their partners to read! Equally I have had friends share conversations with me around things like infertility, infidelity, financial issues etc where confidence was assumed. I wouldn’t expect to hand over my phone to anybody else to potentially read these things.

My partner and I are currently sharing the same phone after both of our phones broke within 2 days of each other! We are now using an old phone of my dad's until we can afford to shell out for our own new ones.

I don't think we really use mobile phones in the same way a lot of people do now though, they are just phones for when we are out of the house and might need to make a call or send a message. Also alarm clocks! At home we use a PC to access the internet and the mobile phone spends most of its time sitting upstairs gathering dust.

That's not a relevant consideration seeing as I'm talking about something completely different 🙄
To be fair I've been a bit sarcastic in this thread but I am in a genuinely very lovely relationship

Rewind to days before mobiles. You would have phone calls/chats out of earshot of other people, write letters that you wouldn’t get your partner to read before sending. People have always wanted a degree of privacy, it’s just the mediums of communication have changed

It is very much how you are coming across, whether it’s intentional or not

It's about boundaries and consent. If both people in the relationship are happy for the other to check their phones etc (and that consent is given freely) then that's ok for that couple.

But if someone doesn't want to do that, and feels that's their boundary then that's ok too and should be respected.

Personally, my phone is private. As is his phone. We both respect that boundary. It's a deal breaker for me. My ex used to check my phone, because only someone with something to hide wouldn't let them, and he would check messages from friends and family to see if I had said anything remotely negative about him. He used that as an excuse to abuse me. If I deleted messages, then it was because I had something to hide and that also resulted in abuse.

My partner knows this and respects my personal boundaries.

Yeah, but there can still be a degree of privacy while not being precious about phone privacy - phone calls still happen, face to face interactions still happen.

Well I've only stated facts about my life so if that makes me come across as smug maybe people are jealous ?? Though I can't imagine why

Agree and I'm glad you're out of that relationship

It’s nothing to do with cheating, it’s about respecting that your partner is entitled to send messages and take photos without your observing every moment. Of course I’ve occasionally invited DH to flick through my photos or shown him a funny message on my phone, and for convenience of satnav while driving he knows my password and I know his, but I’d be livid if he secretly searched my phone, and I would never do that to his. I don’t write every message to my family/friends in the expectation that DH will see what I write, and equally my friends and family are entitled to message me about their relationship/ career worries without my DH analysing their messages. Sometimes I 😱 buy DH secret presents and I’m entitled to assume he is not reading the order history!

It’s about respect. Secretly taking someone’s phone and searching through it is disrespectful and stalkerish, that’s why such behaviour is so often called out.

Why leave messages or emails on your phone. Read and delete. Simple.

"Agree and I'm glad you're out of that relationship"

Thank you - I'm glad too. It was a long time ago now, before smartphones were commonplace and I still have that boundary. I can only imagine what damage he could have inflicted if he had access to my smartphone.

A lot of us these days have lots of aspects of our life on our phones - bank accounts, support networks etc.

But as I said it's about boundaries and each person will have their own boundary with regards to access to phones etc. as long as that's respected, what other couples do isn't my business. But equally I get a bit fed up of being judged because I won't. Comments like "but if you have nothing to hide, why is it an issue?" For example. It's my boundary- I shouldn't need to explain why I have it. Any reason is valid - could simply be you don't want to show someone. That's ok.

why not leave messages and emails on your phone?

also, not very practical to delete a Whatsapp convo after each chat.

I don’t want anyone to see my ridiculous search history or my group chats with my sisters! Both would expose me for the lunatic I am 😂

Why should I?

what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private

Nothing really. But to me that's not the point. If DH read my messages, it would be like if he snuck home and listened at the door to my conversation with a friend. I wouldn't necessarily be saying anything he couldn't hear, but it's intrusive to spy.

Also if you're looking at someone's phone behind their back, I think it suggests you don't trust them. Which is an issue.

Why not? When my sibling died suddenly in a car accident I was glad to still have their messages to reread.
I don’t have any reason to delete my messages straight after reading, as no one else has access to my phone to read them. I keep them because I want to.

I think you’ve missed my point. Phones/messaging haven’t replaced calls/face to face conversations but they have presented an alternative way of communicating, where privacy may be just as important as they would have been in face to face conservations.

I see

Me too. I would be really unsulted. I would write it on a group chat if I wanted everyone to know.

It’s more your tone and how your posts come across that make you appear smug imo. You have subsequently said you have been sarcastic so maybe it’s your humour that doesn’t translate well in a forum setting

But one thing is for sure it is certainly not jealousy. Even a comment like that sounds very smug

Yes. I'm sure that's what it is 🙄 vanity is an unattractive trait. Go back to taking your selfies

in my case, private conversations with friends/family that are no-one elses business.

GDPR protected chats to do with a volunteer job i have.

Private photographs/videos.

My phone/laptop/tablet are private, i have no obligation to share my private life with anyone, even a partner/spouse.

I find it weird that anyone would want to share everything with anyone.

I would not appreciate anyone reading my messages despite the fact sometimes they just get retold anyway. It's the privacy aspect, some things you just don't want other people knowing. I've been having a conversation about having my nipples pierced with friend, none of it top secret and I relayed the conversation Tommy husband because I was also discussing the practicalities with him. If he were to read that exact conversation he wouldn't find anything I hadn't told him but it would feel weird and I would hate it!

He's entitled to use my phone to call someone/send a message but stay out-of my personal messages and my Internet history, don't need the crap I google shared with anyone else.

Do those who insist on open phones follow their OH's when they meet their friends and eavesdrop because its pretty much the same thing.

Screenshots of Wikipedia pages, random facts, motivational quotes, recipes hinting to the fact I may be dieting, all windows to my innermost thoughts. That no one is privy to.