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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the expectation of privacy re phones

150 replies

sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 12:34

Among people you are close with but I guess I'm talking about partners really. My boyfriend has looked through my phone before (to look at my pictures) without my knowledge and while I was a bit embarrassed I don't actually care. I've looked at his. Granted I'm a nosy person.
The strength of feeling on this is baffling to me... what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private? For me it doesn't go beyond embarrassment, and if it did it would signify some kind of wrongdoing tbh.

Is it all one big cheater conspiracy? A woman will post on here suspecting her partner of cheating and God forbid she lets slip that she looked at his phone or the entire thread will become about how INSANE she is

OP posts:
GMOOH2023 · 05/04/2023 13:07

This is obviously completely fair... I'm so sorry for your loss

So you can see that there are perfectly valid reasons then?

greenacrylicpaint · 05/04/2023 13:07

what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private?

mumsnet
my work messenger group
other sm apps

lsanny · 05/04/2023 13:07

The strength of feeling on this is baffling to me... what is it actually that's on your phones that you want so deeply to keep private?

I have nothing I want to keep private. It's hard to explain and I suspect my past trauma and the fact that I am autistic and have ADHD possibly leads me to have quite firm boundaries around my own self. DH in over 20 years has never asked to use or see my phone, occasionally I will ask for a shot of his to get into the PayPal account as my phone makes me jump through hoops and get a code from his. So I just use his. That's all I do though I would never look at anything on his phone.

But yeah I feel strongly about my things in general being my things. I like my things left alone.

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:08

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 05/04/2023 13:03

You appear to be living in a world where you can't understand that not everyone feels the same way as you do about thier phone privacy

But maybe thats because the rest of is don't have the perfect dream relationship that you do (sarcasm before you throw a playground accusation of jealousy)

Show quote history

My imagination can't be too good because I couldn't think what it was that people wanted to keep from their partners so badly but a few responses have helped me out. Still think it's an overreaction most of the time.

Keep telling yourself you're not jealous 👌

OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 05/04/2023 13:10

My work WhatsApp group. DH hates bad language and if he saw the language on that group (especially mine) he would have a coronary! 😂😂

MaryJean87 · 05/04/2023 13:10

I don't have anything serious to hide but I don't need my husband to know everything I'm doing online, what dodgy music or YouTube videos I'm watching, the hundreds of pictures I've got of Evan Peters on my phone or what I'm thinking of buying online. We don't need to share every single aspect of our lives.

OneTC · 05/04/2023 13:11

People that communicate with me have a reasonable expectation to privacy.

I have no problem with someone looking at my pictures or internet history or whatever but would have serious problems with someone wanting to look at my messages, because not all of that information is mine to share

SofiaSoFar · 05/04/2023 13:11

Your posts are getting more and more bizarre @sometimestoomuch

Do you tell your friends, family, etc. that anything and everything they tell you will be shared with your boyfriend?

You're one of those people who thinks that things told to you in strictest confidence are free to be shared with your partner because that's different and somehow doesn't count.

MissDollyMix · 05/04/2023 13:11

It’s not a privacy thing in our relationship. DH used to know my PIN but he was forever nicking my phone when the battery on his had died and was running down my battery looking up whatever shit he wanted (bbc sports etc) and it was annoying going back to my phone having left an interesting tab open and a full battery and then find both had gone! So, no more phone access for DH now.

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:11

GMOOH2023 · 05/04/2023 13:07

This is obviously completely fair... I'm so sorry for your loss

So you can see that there are perfectly valid reasons then?

I couldn't when I started the thread but now I can see that there are sometimes... as I've already said at least once

OP posts:
KStockHERO · 05/04/2023 13:11

There are kind of 'tiers' of privacy, though. The space between being ruthlessly protective and somewhat secretive with your phone, and completely open to the point you're basically sharing the phone is absolutely huge.

And each individual couple will find the groove that's right for them, most likely somewhere in the middle.

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:12

MaryJean87 · 05/04/2023 13:10

I don't have anything serious to hide but I don't need my husband to know everything I'm doing online, what dodgy music or YouTube videos I'm watching, the hundreds of pictures I've got of Evan Peters on my phone or what I'm thinking of buying online. We don't need to share every single aspect of our lives.

Yeah I think that's cute to be honest..

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 05/04/2023 13:13

It isn't that I have anything on my phone that I don't want him to see. On that score I really don't care.

But ..... it is MY phone. He has, in the past, had a habit of fiddling with the settings and putting the thing down in obscure places where neither of us can find it for ages, which would drive me round the bend. He can do all of that with his own phone if he likes, but not with mine.

Nor do I expect or want to have access to his phone except in a real emergency.

We do know each other's pin numbers, which are the same as we've both had since we were teenagers, so imprinted on our memories. I could use that, as could he, but neither of us does.

PetitPorpoise · 05/04/2023 13:13

Because of the way we use phones, I think demanding to see someone's phone is very invasive.

I would find it akin to my husband feeling the need to follow me to work to check I was really going there, or taping a recording of a dinner I had with friends.

There is nothing on my phone that I would have a problem with my husband seeing, but I would find him reading my conversations with other people quite odd.

OneTC · 05/04/2023 13:14

And we also have the same unlock pattern on our phones so we can use them if there was an emergency but neither of us would ever pick up the others phone uninvited

QWE96 · 05/04/2023 13:15

OP, are you 13? Because you sound like one.

Nobody is jealous of your unhealthy levels of co-dependecy.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 05/04/2023 13:16

SofiaSoFar · 05/04/2023 13:11

Your posts are getting more and more bizarre @sometimestoomuch

Do you tell your friends, family, etc. that anything and everything they tell you will be shared with your boyfriend?

You're one of those people who thinks that things told to you in strictest confidence are free to be shared with your partner because that's different and somehow doesn't count.

oh they're the worst.

'But Darren's my boyfriend, of course I was going to tell him that highly personal information you told me in confidence. We are one person, one soul. And I'm a gossipy fucker who cannot be trusted'.

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:16

SofiaSoFar · 05/04/2023 13:11

Your posts are getting more and more bizarre @sometimestoomuch

Do you tell your friends, family, etc. that anything and everything they tell you will be shared with your boyfriend?

You're one of those people who thinks that things told to you in strictest confidence are free to be shared with your partner because that's different and somehow doesn't count.

Not things told in the strictest confidence. And anyway people don't talk to me like that over text. I guess the important people in my life are all geographically close to me.

I am bizarre but my posts aren't getting more bizarre? You're one of those people who loves to smugly call things "bizarre"

OP posts:
Bizzle123 · 05/04/2023 13:17

I’m with you OP. It often baffles me how strongly people react on MN to someone looking on their partner’s phone.

I don’t care if my DH looks at my phone and vice versa. But I’ve also learned from MN that my idea of what is “normal” in a relationship is not necessarily so. Eg we share all finances, there is no “my money / his money”. I used to think most couples did this but it’s only because of MN that I realise we are possibly in the minority.

I think on balance if someone sees their phone as their personal space, then of course it should be respected by their partner. But I do wish mumsnetters would not jump on it so vehemently when someone dares confess to looking at a phone if, for example, they suspect cheating or think something is off.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/04/2023 13:18

And anyway people don't talk to me like that over text. I guess the important people in my life are all geographically close to me.

So now not only is your relationship with your partner superior to everyone else’s, but so are your relationships with family and friends…

If you were that secure in things you wouldn’t give a shit what other people did or thought

mondaytosunday · 05/04/2023 13:18

Im a widow but my kids have my password, but they are not interested in looking up all my conversations etc, just as well as there's loads on there they shouldn't see.
Same when my husband was alive. He knew my password but never looked at my phone, he had far more important things to worry about! Likewise, I'm was not interested in any exchanges he may have had with his ex wife, older sons or family or friends. Not my business and I'd never betray that trust.

Phonemonkey2023 · 05/04/2023 13:19

It is the Easter holidays remember people. Look up codependent OP.

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:21

I would find it akin to my husband feeling the need to follow me to work to check I was really going there, or taping a recording of a dinner I had with friends.

@PetitPorpoise but in this there's the assumption that the phone is being looked at in a paranoid way rather than a casual and nosy way

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 05/04/2023 13:22

Being nosy isn't a good thing!

Original poster
sometimestoomuch · 05/04/2023 13:22

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/04/2023 13:18

And anyway people don't talk to me like that over text. I guess the important people in my life are all geographically close to me.

So now not only is your relationship with your partner superior to everyone else’s, but so are your relationships with family and friends…

If you were that secure in things you wouldn’t give a shit what other people did or thought

It's best if we all just agree that everything about me is superior

OP posts:
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