Page 31 | My day versus his day

Spiderplantweb · 2023-04-05T09:42:19+00:00

My day- alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds 9:00 start work at my £85k a year job. 12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch. 1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery. 6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen. 8:00 we sit down to watch tv his day 7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15. 8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work 9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves 17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out. 1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready 1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV. Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

ShimmeringShirts · 07/04/2023 07:55

I always laugh when posters list their salaries like it makes them any better than someone earning less.

If you’re unhappy with the split then either tell him to get off his arse and do his own housework or tell him if anyone’s going part time it’s you. If you’re unhappy in the relationship sort it out or end it. Unless you’re a single person living along you shouldn’t be doing and paying for everything, and if he can’t afford to do what you want to then you either don’t do it together or he saves up a bit longer to be able to afford it.

StrongTea22 · 07/04/2023 07:55

I think you are NOT being unreasonable.

Dogs are a lifestyle choice however, they are also living beings that deserve engagement, care and exercise.

Salaries aside, it does feel like he is more passive about the life he leads with you in the home.

Unless he is offering to take some of the bill paying/mental load and dog walking/meal prep and general responsibility for having a home (which is what I think you were referring to with beds/dishwasher etc) by reducing his hours, then I would say not a chance of him going part time and this still continuing.

As previous posters have said, you presumably don't have kids. Don't make him your first.

Jemjemima · 07/04/2023 07:55

Yes, what she said! X

IAmTheWalrus85 · 07/04/2023 07:58

Juleslovesmaths · 07/04/2023 07:46

You have only yourself to blame - order Hello Fresh or Gusto 3 times a week and leave him to create the dinner with foolproof instructions while you sit down with a gin and tonic / it works for me ! Also give him a list of jobs - men can’t function without instructions 😂

Do you believe that? Someone’s done a number on you 😂 OP definitely isn’t the biggest mug on this thread

Akite · 07/04/2023 08:01

You don't need a cast-iron reason to leave a partner, you are perfectly entitled to leave at any time for any reason. To be honest the only reason you need is that you've fallen out of love with him.
He sounds a lazy arse and that would not improve after children so I think you are doing the right thing, you don't owe him a lifestyle. Get rid and move on.

purplehair1 · 07/04/2023 08:04

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 11:39

No I don’t love I’m anymore. I used to, but fell out of love with him when I started to feel taken advantage off. I want to leave him, but guess I wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable feeling put upon by doing more around the house than him.

the dogs are mine (although he says he loves them and always refers to them as our dogs) the dogs will be coming with me. I don’t view them as a chore, what I mean is my day feels full and I tend to go from thing to thing, whereas he spends a lot of time watching tv or in bed rather than doing.

for me when things end my life won’t change, I’ll move homes but it will be a similar property, I’ll have the dogs with me and my day and lifestyle won’t change. For him it is going to be a massive difference- a one bedroom flat in town, having to budget for his hobbies and things rather than being able to spend as much as he wants.

I have spoken with a solicitor and things are underway for me to leave. I suppose I had felt like I was in the right being frustrated being taken advantage of, which was helping assuage some of the guilt around this massive lifestyle change he is going to experience. Whereas now it seems I am actually being unreasonable and he is going to have this big lifestyle drop just because I am not happy.

Is he aware? Once he realises you are serious about this he may have a dramatic shift in attitude!

StrongTea22 · 07/04/2023 08:09

Sorry @Mummyof3dc I have multiple kids and running a home, with or without children is still running it.

I did everything in the home before marriage and kids, because it was my house.

I had a boyfriend who lived there like he was at his mums.
No real cleaning, no bed making, no DIY and no proper financial contribution and who was at fault - me, for tolerating it (for a while).

Just because it's not a 5am wake up call from a baby and everything that having children entails, does NOT make her reasoning faulty.

She works and is entitled to feel she shouldn't be cooking tea every night whilst he sits on his arse.

KLFisgonnarockyou · 07/04/2023 08:11

You both have quite easy days. Sounds lovely

BlueLabel · 07/04/2023 08:18

For the posters suggesting she just talk to him or that her day doesn't sound too hard - it's all there in the subsequent posts. It's about division of labour, not hardship. Conversations have already taken place.

Please take the time to read them rather than post such useless drivel.

MarvellousMonsters · 07/04/2023 09:00

You earn £85k and do everything yourself? Why? If he won't pitch in and you won't deal with that, get a cleaner and dog walker. Holy shit I raise two children on a third of your salary, either delegate some of the domestic work or go part time. WTF do you spend £100k a year on??

Dovet · 07/04/2023 09:13

If it doesn’t make you happy anymore and is unlikely to, just end it and find someone who will make you happy. It’s not compulsory to stay with people.

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2023 09:20

Redragtoabull · 06/04/2023 23:24

I'm confused, you're struggling because you awake at 7am, poor you, you put the kettle on and empty the dishwasher, oh no! What a 3rd world tragedy you live in. Get a grip

Are you not able to read the OP's posts? Do you not understand them?

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2023 09:21

DisenchantedDewberry · 07/04/2023 00:00

How bizarre. I don't know why you need to state your income, unless it's to make some kind of point about how superior to him you already think you are, which shows in this post by the way.
You haven't said if he has a hands on job, where he might actually be exhausted after he comes home. Your 85k a year job sounds great if you think working from home, taking dogs for a walk in your break (your choice btw) and basic chores are a slog.
Seeing as you earn so much I imagine you must actually manage other people or communicate with others regularly, meaning you can definitely tell your own partner that he needs to do things around the house.

What a time to be alive.

She can tell him as much as she likes,

Won't make him change though

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2023 09:23

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Nanny0gg · 07/04/2023 09:24

MarvellousMonsters · 07/04/2023 09:00

You earn £85k and do everything yourself? Why? If he won't pitch in and you won't deal with that, get a cleaner and dog walker. Holy shit I raise two children on a third of your salary, either delegate some of the domestic work or go part time. WTF do you spend £100k a year on??

I swear to god, the reading comprehension (inference and deduction) on this thread is absolutely woeful.

This should be the searing indictment of the education system

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2023 09:26

KLFisgonnarockyou · 07/04/2023 08:11

You both have quite easy days. Sounds lovely

So you'd be happy with funding your partner, doing everything yourself and then he decided to go part-time and still do fuck-all?

Salaries are irrelevant and your standards are basement level

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 09:31

Jesus Christ there are some bitter and jealous posts here OP. Ignore them. I do wonder whether they are driven by defensiveness and the posters behaving like that expect their partners to fund most of their lifestyles...

Anyway there's no reason you should have to subsidise the living costs of an adult, you are not his mother, he should provide for himself! Then the cheek of him suggesting he goes part time and contributes even less money! And there's no way you should be putting up with a grown man expecting you to mother him by and picking up his share of domestic chores, either. What a huge turn off on both counts, I'm not surprised your feelings for him have died. I hope you can move on without feeling guilty, you really shouldn't.

SkyandSurf · 07/04/2023 09:35

Salary is very relevant as for decades men have justified slacking off at home by being higher earners.

It's also relevant that his hobbies and lifestyle and rounds at the pub and copious free time are all being subsidised by her and he seems to accept that as his due rather than appreciative or wanting to contribute to her enjoyment of life in return.

Also he's now planning to go part time and contribute even less financially.

It's also a compatibility thing. If she's ambitious and he isn't then that doesn't bode well for the future.

kikedog · 07/04/2023 09:48

@MarvellousMonsters why on earth should the OP pay for a cleaner and dog walker (and gardeners and meal boxes and all the other crap mentioned on this thread) in order to keep masking the fact that this guy is taking the complete and utter piss?

ifthe · 07/04/2023 09:55

@ShimmeringShirts her income is hugely relevant. At the moment he is living in a £100k a year plus household and that means he enjoys a certain lifestyle. Particularly without the expense of kids. It sounds like he can afford lots of boys weekends away, and can spend money quite freely and without worry, which I can't manage on £30k a year. I have to budget, pick and choose what I do and plan ahead. It sounds like OP is very aware of what the future looks like for this man when she ends it and that is what is making her position difficult. Her life is only going to improve, his is going to take a real tumble.

Blueuggboots · 07/04/2023 10:18

He's talking about going part time??! Fuck that!!!

CandidaAlbicans2 · 07/04/2023 10:26

@Spiderplantweb YANBU to be pissed off and planning your exit. For 3 years you've explained how you feel, had "adult conversations, rows, ultimatums", but he doesn't change. Says he just doesn’t see the mess and if you want it cleaned you need to point it out 😡Bet he would notice that the dinner's not made though wouldn't he! Him wanting to go part time because you, as a couple, can afford it (seemingly shameless that he's considering living mainly off your earnings even more and happy to let you do all the "wife work") is the icing on the cake isn't it 🙄

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 10:43

It's hard to imagine how a partner behaving more like a dependent child could not be ick-inducing tbh!

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:56

DisenchantedDewberry · 07/04/2023 00:00

How bizarre. I don't know why you need to state your income, unless it's to make some kind of point about how superior to him you already think you are, which shows in this post by the way.
You haven't said if he has a hands on job, where he might actually be exhausted after he comes home. Your 85k a year job sounds great if you think working from home, taking dogs for a walk in your break (your choice btw) and basic chores are a slog.
Seeing as you earn so much I imagine you must actually manage other people or communicate with others regularly, meaning you can definitely tell your own partner that he needs to do things around the house.

What a time to be alive.

Are you too exhausted to read OP's posts? If you had read them you would know how pointless yours was.

Rosula · 07/04/2023 11:01

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 00:27

One thing, he can not reduce his work hours.
You are super efficient and perhaps have higher standards and expectations than the average person.
Would you tolerate your husband cleaning? If so, teach him to clean the bathrooms. (and tolerate him learning cleaning skills) Ask him to look after the car and garden and to take out the bins.
Encourage your husband to cook dinner twice per week from a planned set menu until he can do that well.
Also dump all clean washing at his chair and TV watching can become a folding station.
Keep every thing happy as I think you two sound very content.
It could be a case of him truly and blissfully not knowing all that you do or him thinking that you prefer to cook and do the washing as you enjoy having quality control.
Some men find it hard to cope with successful, high earning spouses but your husband does not seem fussed at all. That is a great attribute that adds to your happy home life.
Keep the routine dog walking; that is sweet time to talk.

Do RTF OP's posts. Of course she would tolerate her husband cleaning, she's tried to make him do it, but it doesn't happen. And if you had read her posts, you would know that he can't possibly "truly and blissfully" not know all that she does or think she prefers to do all the work.

Loving the notion that OP should be profoundly grateful that, whilst treating her as a slave and living a comfortable lifestyle predominantly paid for by her, her partner is gracious enough not to resent her for it.

Have we strayed into a real-life Stepford Wives world?