Page 30 | My day versus his day

InWalksBarberalla · 06/04/2023 23:39

You don't need an excuse to break up with him!
I understand you feel guilty about the upcoming change in his lifestyle - because he will go from being cooked and cleaned for, to looking after himself, and will have a drop in living standard without your income. But that isn't your problem - you don't have a responsibility to look after the lazy cocklodger. Also please don't have kids with him or these problems will be multiplied!

Rosula · 06/04/2023 23:41

Greycloudlooming · 06/04/2023 22:36

I need more info. Who cleans the bathroom? Who cuts the grass and takes the bins out?

You need to give him a list of chores to do. I know that creates another job for you, it’s a one off, but once he has his list, they’re his jobs to lessen your burden.

She's tried that, didn't work. She's tried everything, didn't work. What's your next suggestion?

Rosula · 06/04/2023 23:44

Redragtoabull · 06/04/2023 23:24

I'm confused, you're struggling because you awake at 7am, poor you, you put the kettle on and empty the dishwasher, oh no! What a 3rd world tragedy you live in. Get a grip

Try paying attention to what you read, then maybe you won't be confused. OP nowhere said she was struggling because she does those things.

mummyflumms · 06/04/2023 23:57

Spiderplantweb · 06/04/2023 20:50

Thanks to all those who seem to get it and are supportive.

the rest of you, when he’s back in the dating pool I’ll send you his dating profile. Let’s see how many of you are queuing up for this catch of the day.

OP I just want to absolutely applaud you I think you are being a role model to all womankind, seriously! It boils my blood to listen to women who not only serve as mother, maid and PA to but also financially support their so-called partners. And the conclusion is always her making excuses to stay with his worthless selfish arse because she's too scared to be alone or start afresh.

I can't tell you how happy I am to watch someone here finally stand up for themselves and LEAVE. I hope even just one other shafted woman has read this post and plucked up the courage to unshackle herself from a life of isolated misery and drudgery, just like you are doing.

Bravo OP. Bravo.

DisenchantedDewberry · 07/04/2023 00:00

How bizarre. I don't know why you need to state your income, unless it's to make some kind of point about how superior to him you already think you are, which shows in this post by the way.
You haven't said if he has a hands on job, where he might actually be exhausted after he comes home. Your 85k a year job sounds great if you think working from home, taking dogs for a walk in your break (your choice btw) and basic chores are a slog.
Seeing as you earn so much I imagine you must actually manage other people or communicate with others regularly, meaning you can definitely tell your own partner that he needs to do things around the house.

What a time to be alive.

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 00:27

One thing, he can not reduce his work hours.
You are super efficient and perhaps have higher standards and expectations than the average person.
Would you tolerate your husband cleaning? If so, teach him to clean the bathrooms. (and tolerate him learning cleaning skills) Ask him to look after the car and garden and to take out the bins.
Encourage your husband to cook dinner twice per week from a planned set menu until he can do that well.
Also dump all clean washing at his chair and TV watching can become a folding station.
Keep every thing happy as I think you two sound very content.
It could be a case of him truly and blissfully not knowing all that you do or him thinking that you prefer to cook and do the washing as you enjoy having quality control.
Some men find it hard to cope with successful, high earning spouses but your husband does not seem fussed at all. That is a great attribute that adds to your happy home life.
Keep the routine dog walking; that is sweet time to talk.

Jazzhands7 · 07/04/2023 00:35

I think salaries are relevant. Men Usually cite their higher earning capacity for why the woman in the house needs to do more of the housework.

modern day slavery is being a woman.

And yes that is a completely unfair household workload split.

Mamanyt · 07/04/2023 00:48

Words to live by: "We teach people how to treat us." You've allowed this to happen, slowly, over time. He now expects it as his due. He's not too old to change, you know. Have a calm discussion, and ask him to take over certain tasks on certain days. Seems reasonable.

OnaBegonia · 07/04/2023 00:55

He’s talking about going part time because we’re comfortably off.
Hahaha he's a funny guy.
Could you buy him out his 15% of the house? Get rid he's well on the road to being a complete cocklodger.

northeasrer · 07/04/2023 00:57

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Winnipeg23 · 07/04/2023 01:09

Just stop. Stop cooking his dinner for him. Let him get his own meals. And stop tidying up after him (easy to say but I wud struggle🤣) and as OP said....have separate bank accounts. Add up the household bills...divide by two and pay into one joint account to cover bills. Then the money he has left over is his spending money. And Ur money is Ur money. Don't volunteer to pay for holidays etc etc. 50/50. Then he can go part time if he can afford it, and if does he will be funding himself. Just be clinical and 100% fair. 50/50. U earn more ..good. That's no excuse for him not to pay half the mortgage etc . And definitely stop doing his meals. Go out at teatime if u want to break the routine.
And the dogs. If u don't want to walk them, don't have dogs. Simple.

Tallulah1972 · 07/04/2023 01:10

I totally get it. It’s one of the many reasons I got divorced. I was so fed up of doing everything myself, asking for help & not getting it. You do lose the love you once had for them because you feel so unsupported. In 17yrs of marriage, I don’t remember him doing any housework. It got to the point where I was doing everything myself so thought I might as well be by myself. It wasn’t an easy decision as there were kids to think about, but I know, & so do the kids now they’re older, that it was the right thing to do. I’ve been divorced 12yrs now & yes it’s sad that it didn’t work out…I never wanted to be a divorcee…but it was totally the right choice.

T1Dmama · 07/04/2023 01:48

What job does he do? Is it extremely physically so he comes in and is wiped out?
Have to say you saying how much you both earn makes you sound like you think he brings less to the marriage in general

ChellyT · 07/04/2023 01:54

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 10:42

My day-
alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds
9:00 start work at my £85k a year job.
12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch.
1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery.
6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen.
8:00 we sit down to watch tv

his day

7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15.
8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work
9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves
17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out.
1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready
1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV.

Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

Ok @Spiderplantweb fast forward to having children, an elderly parent needing to be looked after, you hurt yourself and you need to be looked after... DP isn't going to step up... the man has hit gold and he knows it!

Can I suggest (only because it worked for me donkeys ago)
I stopped doing their laundry or did it last if I had time
I ordered take away every night
I stopped cleaning up after them
I just stopped
I mirrored the same energy he was putting into our household/life and the results were all for the better. The man cooks, cleans, does laundry, goes grocery shopping

Good luck OP keep us updated

SkyandSurf · 07/04/2023 04:39

@user1492757084

'Teach him how to clean the bathrooms' and be patient while his 'cleaning skills' develop?

I ask the women on this thread - did anyone at any point take you aside and teach you how to clean?! Or did you just do it? Because it's not rocket science and all the products have instructions on them and it's pretty clear which end of a mop is which?

I don't buy for a second this man hasn't cleaned because he hasn't been privy to some withheld information about how it is done.

If he gave a damn, he'd be cleaning already. Not watching TV while OP does it.

OP has sensibly decided to get rid of him. She will feel so much better once it is done. She can support herself or find a man on her level who makes her happy. This is why women need to prioritise their careers and earning capacity- to have the power yo make this decision that OP gets to make.

Think how many woman waste their one life cleaning up after selfish lazy men because they have no alternative.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 05:06

No idea why you've been given such a hard time here @Spiderplantweb

He sounds like a classic cocklodger. Contributing very little financially or practically. Lazy and selfish. He won't change. Definitely dump him.

stayathomegardener · 07/04/2023 05:09

@Spiderplantweb are you married?

He sounds like a total drain.

BlackBarbies · 07/04/2023 05:23

So many of the comments here have pissed me off😂

Of course their salaries are relevant when he’s literally leaching off of her. If the OP was happy with financing everything, doing all the things that need doing around the house along with paying for this man’s life then that’s great for her.

But she isn’t happy doing all of that. So why are people annoyed? So what that she doesn’t have kids (I have no clue why some people are explaining their day in comparison to the OPs like boo fucking hoo to you). She’s allowed to resent someone who does fuck all but is now considering going part time so she can pay his way even more?!

If you’re still reading this OP, just leave him. This man will seriously bring you down. If you were in a situation where you already had kids with him, people would be commenting, ‘well why did you have kids with this man?!’ As if you could send them back to the womb. You can’t win on this site!

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 05:30

BlackBarbies · 07/04/2023 05:23

So many of the comments here have pissed me off😂

Of course their salaries are relevant when he’s literally leaching off of her. If the OP was happy with financing everything, doing all the things that need doing around the house along with paying for this man’s life then that’s great for her.

But she isn’t happy doing all of that. So why are people annoyed? So what that she doesn’t have kids (I have no clue why some people are explaining their day in comparison to the OPs like boo fucking hoo to you). She’s allowed to resent someone who does fuck all but is now considering going part time so she can pay his way even more?!

If you’re still reading this OP, just leave him. This man will seriously bring you down. If you were in a situation where you already had kids with him, people would be commenting, ‘well why did you have kids with this man?!’ As if you could send them back to the womb. You can’t win on this site!

Exactly! Why should she be funding another adult's living costs? Or cleaning up after him?

Madness.

lamaze1 · 07/04/2023 05:47

Yanbu op. If you hadn't mentioned your salary, I think you'd have likely had very different responses.

Don't feel bad for him. He is taking advantage. He sounds lazy and like he has no drive (wanting to go part time because you're comfortable!) which is deeply unattractive. He isn't your responsibility.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 07/04/2023 06:19

Whenebee a woman with children comes on here and says she can’t cope with her work, housework and childcare responsibilities and her lazy DH and one of the first questions she’s asked - every single time - is was he like this before you married/had children with him?

And here we have a poster who isn’t married and doesn’t have children - and isn’t happy with her lazy partner. She hasn’t said she’s exhausted or struggling. But she has realised she’s being taking for a mug. And that this situation would be awful if she brought children into it, so even though she’s desperate for kids she’s walking away.

But there are a whole load of posters spouting bile at her telling her how easy her life is and suggesting ways she can improve the lazy arsehole who treats her like a cashpoint and a domestic servant, even though she’s tried everything.

It’s interesting how angry people get at a woman who has the self-respect to say she won’t tolerate being taken advantage of. And a woman who’s done well in her career.

hattie43 · 07/04/2023 06:35

Yes you are a mug . If he left your house I don't think you'd notice losing his small input .

Notamumsym · 07/04/2023 07:05

God there are some jealous, resentful bitches on here, just because someone has plenty of money and free time, its called not having a hoard of cash draining kids

Juleslovesmaths · 07/04/2023 07:46

You have only yourself to blame - order Hello Fresh or Gusto 3 times a week and leave him to create the dinner with foolproof instructions while you sit down with a gin and tonic / it works for me ! Also give him a list of jobs - men can’t function without instructions 😂

Juced · 07/04/2023 07:52

He’s getting away with whatever your allowing him to and then playing the martyr! Your earnings aren’t relevant btw!!