My day versus his day

[Spiderplantweb]

My day-
alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds
9:00 start work at my £85k a year job.
12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch.
1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery.
6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen.
8:00 we sit down to watch tv

his day

7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15.
8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work
9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves
17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out.
1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready
1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV.

Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

I would list everything that you both do and show him and move things over to his side so it’s completely black and white. I think salaries are relevant here! Do you split the bills or are you the breadwinner? If you are paying more and doing more then it’s wrong. If the sexes were reversed and you were earning less but doing more no one would bat an eyelid!

Stealth boast alert 🙄

You don’t love him. End it. I wouldn’t love him either. He sounds lazy and entitled.

Get rid of him. He’s a cock lodger. And don’t have kids with him. It will make it harder for you to leave. He won’t change and as you say you will be looking after kids on top of subsidising his lifestyle. Although I didn’t earn as much as you I was in a similar position and had kids with him. It was horrendous.

I’m guessing you mention your salary as you are unhappy he earns less. You clearly aren’t happy, don’t make the same mistake I did and have children, my day starts at 5:30 and I don’t stop let alone have time for dog walks 😂 needless to say I am no longer with my ex. I think you know what you want. Good luck.

Sounds like an unfair division of labour for sure!

No? In fact sounds like you both have it pretty easy. If you expect him to do more that's obviously a chat you 2 need to have.

My day:
Awake at 5.30, get up at 5.45, alarm goes off at 6.00
come downstairs let dogs out in the garden, make a cuppa, make a minimum of 2 maximum of 4 lunches.
Bring dogs in and feed/water them.
wake my youngest up
make his breakfast
take a shower and get ready
yell at youngest to get ready (12yr old)
leave to pick up his friend for school
drop them both at morning school so I can be in work at 8.30
pick colleague and her son up on the way in and drop him at his school (job starts at 9.00)
work all day in an emotionally and mentally draining job that I’m lucky enough to love (£47k)
leave work at 5 (if I’m lucky) drive to said friends house to pick son up from an equally drained mom that has picked him up from school and kept him alive till I get there. Take one or both kids to whichever after school activity they have that day
get home around 8pm
start dinner
walk dogs
eat dinner
iron uniforms/clean and tidy etc etc
fall exhausted into bed at around 10pm ready to do it all again the next day.

His day:
Wake up an hour before his shift starts (time varies)
usually in an empty house
makes him self a cuppa/breakfast/scrolls on social media until 15 mins before he has to leave
showers/dresses
takes himself to work (£28k)
comes home 8 hours later to a quiet house and either eats dinner that has been prepared and left for him/waits for me to get home to make dinner
sits and moans about either how hard his job is, how tired he is, how skint he is or all three
isolates in the bedroom gaming until 2am
sleep and repeat

you are not alone and you certainly are NOT being unreasonable this shit is draining and I don’t even know how I ended up here

Agreed it’s not nice and don’t think YABU for feeling how you’re feeling. Equally your day doesn’t sound that horrendous…

I'm not surprised that you feel taken advantage of. However I suspect that, even inadvertently, you have enabled the situation by " doing everything as noone else does" etc etc. Have you had direct conversations about the situation, what he has to do to contribute to the household..as in enabling day to day life , not financial? Have you discussed allocating his salary to pay for something specific ...holiday or something?

I think before you call it a day you need the above to happen. Having said that, even who I suspect you have enabled the situation, I do sympathise. IRS easily done

He could clean and also cook. Salaries are irrelevant here, maybe you just need to communicate better.

Travelling into work is exhausting!

I would put a rota in place

Madamum18 and Haveallthesongsbeenwritten what communication or discussion approach would you try? Aside from the ones the OP listed?

Saju1 why would the OP make a rota when she's putting plans in motion to leave him?

I just don't understand this post.
You are choosing the things you do, your (D)P isn't asking you do the tasks on his behalf.

Why the need to mention salaries?
Either way, yes you are a mug

You can leave for whatever reason you choose.
I actually think the salary thing is a bit of a red herring - if you were a man leaving his wife, it would just happen without any consideration of what she was earning.
One life, don't waste it being unhappy if you can do something about it. I have a friend who is an absolute martyr and should have divorced years ago - she is so used to being miserable, she is too scared to change it

Yes you are being a mug but I wouldn’t let it go on anymore, if he can’t even help with the chores he should sod off and the absolute audacity of him saying your comfortable enough for him to go part time?! Nope put that man in the bin. Maybe think about some therapy for yourself so you don’t get treated like a skivvy again and as far as your friends go maybe make a date to see them and explain your side and if they don’t see the problem then put them in the bin too!

I wish I earned as much as 28k, maybe then I could afford to get a dog.

This. Get out now OP and dont look back.

And don’t worry about your partner. He will meet someone else straight away. They all do.

Could you afford a dog walker/sitter for during the day then at least you wouldn't have to rush back from your work to take the dogs out

She didn’t say he doesn’t pay anything. She said she pays more 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU Op and he only has this lifestyle because of you. If he can't pull his weight to help both of you enjoy a bit more free time then he doesn't deserve it or you.

He is not your responsibility. I can't believe some of the comments you have received on here.

You can't make him do more, he won't do more, but is happy to lap up the rewards that you salary brings in, and even work part time because of it.

YANBU to want to leave. Get the house sold, pay him his 15% share of deposit/equity etc and draw a line and move on.

Is his 28k a year job more strenuous and exhausting than your 85k work from home job? Is it a physical job? Maybe he is just exhausted? No harm in talking to him and asking he do more, or ending the relationship. But 28k isn’t a bad salary, it can pay a lot of bills, you can’t expect everyone to be a high earner

Neither day sounds stressful. Love how you’ve padded out yours with paying bills and the weekly shop (surely this is once a week) but especially enjoyed the turn on the kettle and have breakfast / have lunch. You are doing more than him but I feel like a lot of what you listed was pointless

You don't mention having kids so why do you have to make beds - plural?

Surely there's only one bed to make?