Page 22 | My day versus his day

Spiderplantweb · 2023-04-05T09:42:19+00:00

My day- alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds 9:00 start work at my £85k a year job. 12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch. 1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery. 6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen. 8:00 we sit down to watch tv his day 7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15. 8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work 9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves 17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out. 1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready 1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV. Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 18:49

You can't be a good partner to him if you're chronically exhausted. If he's doing okay, that's good, but there are two of you in this.

What does this mean? I mean, I've seen some convoluted ways to make it all the woman's fault but this is amazing. Of course he's doing ok, he doesn't lift a finger which makes the OP exhausted which then means the OP isn't a good partner? Have I read this wrong or what?

SwishSwishBisch · 05/04/2023 18:57

Gosh @Spiderplantweb having read your last update - DO NOT LET THIS MAN STEAL ONE MINUTE MORE OF YOUR FUTURE.

What a waster. Look what he’s doing to your head! This is prime sunk-cost fallacy territory. And don’t for a moment worry about friends reactions, I think you might be surprised how many have been biting their tongues while they thought you were happy together!
And any that do apportion any blame to you for his change in circumstance? I think they’ll rapidly have their eyes opened when they see what sort of conditions he chooses to maintain in his new home.

AgnesX · 05/04/2023 19:11

AgnesX · 05/04/2023 18:35

Get a cleaner? Get him to make dinner equal number of nights.

No kids....so not exactly an onerous life really and easily remedied. Or it should be.

Should have RTFT, sorry. Time to part company, sounds like you're half way there.

SoggyPigeon · 05/04/2023 19:33

You are not compatible.

That’s all it comes down to. Yanbu.

strawberry2017 · 05/04/2023 20:02

No kids and he's on about going part time? He's 100% taking you for a mug. You would be so much better off without him.
You deserve better. Lazy men are the absolute worst!

WoofWoofBeachLife · 05/04/2023 20:39

@Spiderplantweb you might be surprised, your friends could well say what took you so long to bin him. X

Riverbiscuits · 05/04/2023 20:42

Kick him to the curb, he’s lazy and comfortable being looked after and paid for and you’ll be no worse off alone on any front.

Partyandbullshit · 05/04/2023 21:30

You’re not compatible. You can’t live harmoniously because your values don’t align and therefore you’re incompatible.

This is the real reason why you’re splitting up and what you can tell your friends.

Goldbar · 05/04/2023 21:47

Some bizarre responses. Run, run a mile OP and thank god/yourself/whoever that you don't have children with this man.

YANBU. And he feels his life is so tough that he'd like to go part-time 😂. Absolutely ridiculous!

Besides, you can end a relationship for any reason you want... including being treated like an ATM, a PA and a skivvy rolled into one. It's enough that it's not making you happy (especially here, where there are no children to consider).

MsWhitworth · 05/04/2023 21:54

Dump his ass. He sounds like he’s bringing you down.

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2023 22:01

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:31

@cassiatwenty ive tried asking him to do things, I’ve tried telling him doing everything makes me unhappy. I’ve been in tears so many times because I feel like a maid. I’ve told him I am frustrated that our beautiful home is left looking like a tip if I go
away for a few days. He doesn’t change. He has told me that he just doesn’t see the mess and if I want it cleaned I need to point it out. I tried pointing it out for three years, it made me feel like a nag. I tried not pointing it out, it made me depressed that I was cleaning everything. I tried not doing it either and the house descended into squallor.
we’ve had adult conversations, rows, ultimatums. Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

This is the relevant post with the pertinent information.

Your salaries are not the most relevant part, or even the division of labour per se.

You have an unequal relationship that makes you unhappy and he isn’t willing to change.

That’s the reason to break up frankly.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 05/04/2023 22:06

Neither day sounds especially full on, tbh.
Are you unhappy in your job? If you are, I can see that all the money in the world isn't going to make you feel OK about the division of labour in your house. Do you think he should do more whatever he earns, or do you think by having a £28K salary he has the better, stress-free life?

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 05/04/2023 22:09

Sorry, OP, I posted before seeing your update.
I think you know he's taking the piss - dump him, he's a freeloading, kept man. Deeply unattractive.

Curseofthenation · 05/04/2023 22:26

Ooooo, dump him and move in with me OP, please? He's been living the life of Riley! It's my turn 😆.

But seriously, what are you doing? Nothing is going to change. He's a lazy waster that's looking to mooch off you further by going part-time. What a waste of your time. Don't waste another day on this man-child.

DannyZukosSmile · 05/04/2023 23:42

emptythelitterbox · 05/04/2023 12:39

You clearly don't know anyone in that income bracket.

I found that more I made, the less I actually do but what I do has a bigger impact.

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Yep, you got me @emptythelitterbox . I don't know anybody in the £85K a year income bracket. Many people I know earn around £400,000 to £500,000 a year plus. In top tier jobs, travelling the world, and not spending time posting banal threads on mumsnet... OR they are millionaires, people who own several businesses, and who own multiple hundreds and even thousands of acres of land. A few celebrities too.

So yeah, I don't know anybody who actually pretends that they earn £85K year. (In a type of job where they can post on Mumsnet half the day as well.)

And the hilarity of people saying that people are 'jealous' of the OP's income. Ba ha ha ha ha!!! 😆 There's absolutely no proof whatsoever that her claims of her £85K income is genuine. Why would anybody be jealous of some random on the Internet saying that they earned £85K a year?

Maybe she is jealous of people who have children? If you think that's silly or laughable, it's not as silly and laughable as suggesting someone is jealous of someone's fantasy salary.

Jasminejo · 06/04/2023 07:00

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:19

It's clear enough OP had put the wheels in motion before beginning the thread.

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How so?

Jasminejo · 06/04/2023 07:00

I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick

bloomin heck op

you should start a thread about your “friends” because they don’t sound too hot either

Jasminejo · 06/04/2023 07:07

He’s on a decent income
you’re in a strong financial position
no dependents
pretty easy lives both of you

literally the only thing that you truly seem worried about is your friends view on the situation

woman up op. End the relationship. Get new friends

jemimapuddlepluck · 06/04/2023 08:05

DannyZukosSmile · 05/04/2023 23:42

Yep, you got me @emptythelitterbox . I don't know anybody in the £85K a year income bracket. Many people I know earn around £400,000 to £500,000 a year plus. In top tier jobs, travelling the world, and not spending time posting banal threads on mumsnet... OR they are millionaires, people who own several businesses, and who own multiple hundreds and even thousands of acres of land. A few celebrities too.

So yeah, I don't know anybody who actually pretends that they earn £85K year. (In a type of job where they can post on Mumsnet half the day as well.)

And the hilarity of people saying that people are 'jealous' of the OP's income. Ba ha ha ha ha!!! 😆 There's absolutely no proof whatsoever that her claims of her £85K income is genuine. Why would anybody be jealous of some random on the Internet saying that they earned £85K a year?

Maybe she is jealous of people who have children? If you think that's silly or laughable, it's not as silly and laughable as suggesting someone is jealous of someone's fantasy salary.

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What's wrong with you? I don't think engaging with people is for you. This is so fucked up 😬

SpeckledlyHen · 06/04/2023 08:13

DannyZukosSmile · 05/04/2023 23:42

Yep, you got me @emptythelitterbox . I don't know anybody in the £85K a year income bracket. Many people I know earn around £400,000 to £500,000 a year plus. In top tier jobs, travelling the world, and not spending time posting banal threads on mumsnet... OR they are millionaires, people who own several businesses, and who own multiple hundreds and even thousands of acres of land. A few celebrities too.

So yeah, I don't know anybody who actually pretends that they earn £85K year. (In a type of job where they can post on Mumsnet half the day as well.)

And the hilarity of people saying that people are 'jealous' of the OP's income. Ba ha ha ha ha!!! 😆 There's absolutely no proof whatsoever that her claims of her £85K income is genuine. Why would anybody be jealous of some random on the Internet saying that they earned £85K a year?

Maybe she is jealous of people who have children? If you think that's silly or laughable, it's not as silly and laughable as suggesting someone is jealous of someone's fantasy salary.

Show quote history

Oh dear…

I earn exactly the same as the OP. It’s not a fantasy as I have the money in my account every month and payslips.

A relative of mine just negotiated a salary twice this amount with a 40% bonus.

both of us manage to post on mumsnet quite a bit…. 😉

Mumsanetta · 06/04/2023 08:29

@Spiderplantweb just accept that you can’t win on MN. If you have kids with him and he carries on contributing minimally to housework and childcare you will get choruses of “well, what was he like before kids?”, “he was lazy before kids so why did you have kids with him?” But if you complain now it’s all “well, actually, your day sounds like a piece of a piss, what are you complaining about?” I would cut my losses and leave him now and find another partner to have a child with. Your friends may or not get over it but I sure as well wouldn’t let what my friends think keep me in an unhappy relationship.

Sceptre86 · 06/04/2023 08:30

You don't love him anymore so are making the right decision. Since the dogs are yours I would expect you to do the bulk of the care but the fact that he rolls out of bed much later than you but still leaves it for you to make is disrespectful and lazy. Also that he comes home and had so much downtime whilst you've been working too but have to get in to cooking would again be a problem for me. I also would never have joint finances when there is such a disparity in incomes. He wouldn't be paying for endless rounds at the pub if it was coming out of his own pocket.

I also wouldn't worry what friends think. Maybe they can already see how lazy he is and a drain on you? You're taking control of your life, realising you don't have to be a mug and making changes. Good on you and I don't mean that to come across as condescending, honestly I think you're making the best choices for yourself.

GoldenGorilla · 06/04/2023 08:44

Jasminejo · 06/04/2023 07:00

How so?

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@Jasminejo - OP says she has already seen a solicitor already to work out the legalities of separating and selling the house etc.

Sunblox · 06/04/2023 08:56

Yet amongst all that busyness, you manage to find time to make and post a thread.
Does your DH get time at work to sit around posting online?

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 06/04/2023 09:33

You picked a wrongun. It could happen to anyone. Very few people, probably nobody will judge you for leaving. He is not a child. People mostly don’t judge these things anyway even when it’s not obvious what happened.
He may even find the motivation to earn more without you.