Page 21 | My day versus his day

Spiderplantweb · 2023-04-05T09:42:19+00:00

My day- alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds 9:00 start work at my £85k a year job. 12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch. 1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery. 6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen. 8:00 we sit down to watch tv his day 7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15. 8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work 9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves 17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out. 1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready 1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV. Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

MysteryBelle · 05/04/2023 17:45

I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick. And feel sorry for him and think that I have done him wrong. They don’t know how draining all the little things are.

Just tell friends that he doesn’t make the bed and they’ll flock to your side. Just kidding 💐 Your latest updates show he won’t listen to your concerns. If he refuses to do any of the little things, your worries are that he won’t be there for you in the big things. You want children but he’s not responsible enough, you have to do all the work in the relationship as it is. You’ve tried explaining it to him a thousand different ways.

As a last resort, I’d have him read this thread, and I’d ask a family member or friend (the more the better as he seems to be very obtuse) he sees as an ‘authority’ to 1) explain he’d better shape up or you’re gone 2) he’d better start seeing his wife as the most important authority in his life and his number one priority or you’re gone.

He thinks he can forever ignore your deeply felt concerns and that is unacceptable.

Maddy128 · 05/04/2023 17:46

You are not happy and don’t want to be with him, surely housework, money, dogs aside, that’s a good enough reason to leave.
You’re not being unreasonable. The division of labour (physical and mental) is uneven. Some people are happy with that in their relationship. But they don’t want to leave their partners. You do. Screw what your mates might think, the only reason you need is “I’m not happy anymore”. He’s accustomed to a “lifestyle” that is tantamount to living off your hard work. 🙄

Blondewithredlips · 05/04/2023 17:48

OP you have become successful due to your hard work. Please get rid of this cocklodger and enjoy living on your own with your dogs and plan a happy life. You have wasted enough time with this "man".

Whatdayisitalexa · 05/04/2023 17:50

ConcordeOoter · 05/04/2023 17:38

Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

What would he do if nobody cooked for him?

You are not compatible... I've come to realise I'm neuro diverse, I think it's genetic and we all have different priorities in life. We don't all see things the same way one person's mess can be another person's tidy..some people can get hung up on not perfectly washed up items (eg smears on cutlery or glasses) yet are happy to leave washing up overnight and beyond until they have a sink full, while others will 'waste' hot water on individual cups etc

Sugarmicetails · 05/04/2023 17:52

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:31

@cassiatwenty ive tried asking him to do things, I’ve tried telling him doing everything makes me unhappy. I’ve been in tears so many times because I feel like a maid. I’ve told him I am frustrated that our beautiful home is left looking like a tip if I go
away for a few days. He doesn’t change. He has told me that he just doesn’t see the mess and if I want it cleaned I need to point it out. I tried pointing it out for three years, it made me feel like a nag. I tried not pointing it out, it made me depressed that I was cleaning everything. I tried not doing it either and the house descended into squallor.
we’ve had adult conversations, rows, ultimatums. Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

Your answer is here, YOU care about a clean and tidy home, however he doesn’t care enough about you to pull his weight!

he’s a man child in my opinion! Why on earth are you funding his lifestyle?! Rounds in the pub, boys holidays….pathetic honestly! What does he do for you???

MNisMyGuiltyPleasure · 05/04/2023 17:55

If your friends are good friends they will listen to you and get your side of the story. Breaking up with someone because of the reasons you state is absolutely reasonable. Are any of your friends close enough to know how you feel? Or at least have an inkling? I am a very private person and yet my best friend guessed what the matter was with me when I was about to divorce my ex husband. Sometimes those who know us well, can sense that something isn't quite right. So trust your friends, the good ones, to at least give you a chance to put your point across.

AspiringMermaid · 05/04/2023 17:57

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:31

@cassiatwenty ive tried asking him to do things, I’ve tried telling him doing everything makes me unhappy. I’ve been in tears so many times because I feel like a maid. I’ve told him I am frustrated that our beautiful home is left looking like a tip if I go
away for a few days. He doesn’t change. He has told me that he just doesn’t see the mess and if I want it cleaned I need to point it out. I tried pointing it out for three years, it made me feel like a nag. I tried not pointing it out, it made me depressed that I was cleaning everything. I tried not doing it either and the house descended into squallor.
we’ve had adult conversations, rows, ultimatums. Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

Don't really know what comments/advice you are looking for, plan a night with friends to vent?

You surely know you are not being unreasonable! Anyone in an unhappy relationship is entitled to leave... bit weird you are giving so much thought to your soon to be ex "drop in lifestyle" maybe he'll work more, maybe he'll find another gal like you to mooch off, either way obviously not your problem

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 17:57

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:31

@cassiatwenty ive tried asking him to do things, I’ve tried telling him doing everything makes me unhappy. I’ve been in tears so many times because I feel like a maid. I’ve told him I am frustrated that our beautiful home is left looking like a tip if I go
away for a few days. He doesn’t change. He has told me that he just doesn’t see the mess and if I want it cleaned I need to point it out. I tried pointing it out for three years, it made me feel like a nag. I tried not pointing it out, it made me depressed that I was cleaning everything. I tried not doing it either and the house descended into squallor.
we’ve had adult conversations, rows, ultimatums. Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

You really need to get into therapy to figure out why you have stayed so long.

Its so dead and over.

You are not a team.

He doesn't care.

He likes the life ye have, thats it.

You no longer love him.

Stop flogging a dead horse.

Yours is not a normal healthy loving relationship.

He's with you because its comfortable, suits him, you skivvy and pay for 3/4 of your life together.

Forget about him and focus on why your bar is so low to have accepted this bullshit from him.

GoldenCupidon · 05/04/2023 17:58

"I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick. And feel sorry for him and think that I have done him wrong. They don’t know how draining all the little things are."

I think you should try talking to one of your friends, go to the pub/cafe and just talk it all out with her. Hopefully you've seen enough diversity of views on here to be able to guess who might be supportive.

Veryxonfused · 05/04/2023 18:01

Tbh it sounds like he sees you as his mum, paying for him and looking after him. But what are you going to do about it?

Testina · 05/04/2023 18:02

“No I don’t love I’m anymore.”

You can distill it to that.
Dump him.
He’s also a disrespectful user, but you don’t need to analyse that.

Don’t tell you mutual friends any of this - just that you’ve grown apart and for you it’s over. End of.

Veryxonfused · 05/04/2023 18:03

He may not ‘notice’ how unclean the house is (ridiculous) but he will notice when he has no clean clothes or hot meals. So just stop.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 18:05

Oh dear, poor you, it sounds like you are really struggling and tried everything you can.

(Apologies for my cheeky IG model jokes!)

It's perfectly reasonable to want to have your house clean. It is his home, too. However, women have been socialised to do this while men mostly have mumsy to do it, so it's hard for him to do things he was never taught to do.

What I'm getting from this is that you feel chronically stressed out and you don't even get a break from him, which is causing all this resentment to build up.

It's hard to go to do your job (1) and then come back and have more work to do as his partner (2), basically two jobs.

You're not an absolute bloody mug at all. You are doing your bit, and he's doing something, however it seems like you do need a break and that you are tired and exhausted.

It's far too easy to say LTB when it's one of the hardest things to do and you're already struggling.

However, he is not dumb and he can LEARN to clean home you both share. If anything, you fully deserve to communicate your needs to him, whether it's some space, time apart, or him learning how to do the dishes (it won't kill him)

You can't be a good partner to him if you're chronically exhausted. If he's doing okay, that's good, but there are two of you in this.

You can't be burnt out like this. You deserve to feel healthy. And it won't kill him to make an effort. If not, well...

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2023 18:15

Your friends don’t need to know anything other than it has come to an end

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 18:16

However, he is not dumb and he can LEARN to clean home you both share.

For the love of god have you even read OP’s posts.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 18:19

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 18:16

However, he is not dumb and he can LEARN to clean home you both share.

For the love of god have you even read OP’s posts.

You've already been told, The Exit is Over There ------- >

SpacePotato · 05/04/2023 18:19

He was bad enough before I got to him wanting to go part time! Cheeky, lazy fucker.

The sooner you get rid the better.
Imagine how much happier and free you will feel.

Can you buy him out of the property or will you need to sell?

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 18:28

@cassiatwenty And the OP’s posts are ⬆️

GoldenCupidon · 05/04/2023 18:30

I wouldn't worry about that poster @Mirabai - their reaction to things is unusual to say the least.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 18:31

@Mirabai 🔕➡

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 18:34

GoldenCupidon · 05/04/2023 18:30

I wouldn't worry about that poster @Mirabai - their reaction to things is unusual to say the least.

Couldn’t be less worried, she’s very odd.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 18:34

@GoldenCupidon I wish you'd stop obsessing over me and my life. I know you spend your every waking minute on AIBU, but sit down a lil

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 18:34

I wonder if I will get a Hallmark card now? 🤔

AgnesX · 05/04/2023 18:35

Get a cleaner? Get him to make dinner equal number of nights.

No kids....so not exactly an onerous life really and easily remedied. Or it should be.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 18:36

@Mirabai stop tugging at my sleeve for attention, escort yourself off the property ASAP