Page 20 | My day versus his day

Spiderplantweb · 2023-04-05T09:42:19+00:00

My day- alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds 9:00 start work at my £85k a year job. 12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch. 1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery. 6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen. 8:00 we sit down to watch tv his day 7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15. 8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work 9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves 17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out. 1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready 1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV. Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:10

The OP chose to take him on knowing how he was. Whenever on these threads I point out that his failings were obvious from the start I’m shouted down that actually no they weren’t…

Yeah that’s because you haven’t read the thread and the failings weren’t obvious at the start. OP and he earned comparable amounts at the beginning and it’s only over time that his spongeing tendencies have manifest.

ferntwist · 05/04/2023 17:10

OP you sound lovely and long-suffering. Ignore the jealous cows!

BlueHeelers · 05/04/2023 17:11

And want to know that I am not completely off my rocker thinking that this situation is bonkers

No, you’re really not off your rocker.

And for those snarking at @Spiderplantweb - give her a break. Most women are socialised to be nice, to be kind, to feel we need to look after people. Including making beds, cooking and walking dogs.

Most men are socialised to be oblivious to the work that women do in being nice and kind and making beds.

I suspect that poor old @Spiderplantweb is like the frog in water being gradually brought to the boil.

Good luck OP. Dump him!

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:12

Naunet · 05/04/2023 17:05

So high earning women who don’t have children, aren’t allowed to post here on AIBU (the forum with THE MOST first world, luxury problems posted daily) because their problems can’t be anywhere near as important as the problems women like you have?

Theres some real reverse snobbery on this thread.

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What are you on about? I haven’t said anything of the sort. I’ve said that even though your life might be easy compared to others it doesn’t mean you can’t be unhappy. I said the partner is useless but he was likely always useless and if you don’t love him that’s a good enough reason to dump him. I’ve been absolutely supportive of the OP. How do you know what my position is? I’m a professional woman myself earning a good salary. I genuinely have no idea where you are getting your interpretation of my posts

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:12

ConcordeOoter · 05/04/2023 17:05

It wouldn't be reasonable as described.

It's little things, really, like someone who is actually doing all of the housework doesn't have to pad the list with bullshit items like giving dogs water because they know that for instance the laundry exists.

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So you think she’s lying about doing all the housework simply because she mentions the dog’s water? Seriously?

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:14

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:10

The OP chose to take him on knowing how he was. Whenever on these threads I point out that his failings were obvious from the start I’m shouted down that actually no they weren’t…

Yeah that’s because you haven’t read the thread and the failings weren’t obvious at the start. OP and he earned comparable amounts at the beginning and it’s only over time that his spongeing tendencies have manifest.

I bet it was fairly obvious from the start that the OP was driven and knew where she was going and that he was happy to coast. I bet it was pretty obvious he didn’t clear up behind him. I bet it was pretty obvious he prioritised socialising. Nothing wrong with any of those traits but hard to see how that is going to be compatible in the long term with the OP.

BlueLabel · 05/04/2023 17:15

There definitely is a kind of toxic theme in so many responses here: they don't have kids, she earns a good wage, they work 9-5 etc ... so she has no right to complain that he's not pulling his weight and wants her to subsidise him more.

The OP hasn't come on saying her life is awful, she's asked for validation that the division of household tasks isn't fair. How hard is it to recognise that without adding a jealous dig?

Naunet · 05/04/2023 17:15

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:12

What are you on about? I haven’t said anything of the sort. I’ve said that even though your life might be easy compared to others it doesn’t mean you can’t be unhappy. I said the partner is useless but he was likely always useless and if you don’t love him that’s a good enough reason to dump him. I’ve been absolutely supportive of the OP. How do you know what my position is? I’m a professional woman myself earning a good salary. I genuinely have no idea where you are getting your interpretation of my posts

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Really? It sounds very much like your sneering at OP for even posting to me, maybe that’s not how you meant it? You’re comment that she didn’t have much to complain about, what did that mean then? Do people have to have X number of problems before they post? I’m just wondering why you’re so dismissive of OP?

SazCat · 05/04/2023 17:15

babynoname22 · 05/04/2023 12:10

For 85k a year your day sounds bloody lovely

That maybe so, but that doesn't mean OP should do all the cleaning and cooking surely, while her OH does nothing??!

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:21

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:14

I bet it was fairly obvious from the start that the OP was driven and knew where she was going and that he was happy to coast. I bet it was pretty obvious he didn’t clear up behind him. I bet it was pretty obvious he prioritised socialising. Nothing wrong with any of those traits but hard to see how that is going to be compatible in the long term with the OP.

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What a load of bollocks.

Original poster

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:21

I guess I mention all the little things that he doesn’t even seem to notice that I have to pick up on. Yes he wouldn’t clean a bathroom, or take bins out or do a laundry load, but he wouldn’t even walk past the dogs bowl notice it was empty and top it up. My point wasn’t to make a show about doing tiny chores, but that he just expects all things to magically happen. I got a text today about a parking fine that he had sitting on the side and he'd forgotten to pay so can I sort that before it increases. It’s the tiny stuff that grates more than the big stuff as it is so simple to do and would just show that he cares a little. Instead I feel like a maid, running round after him, it was a real turn off and why I stopped loving him.

I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick. And feel sorry for him and think that I have done him wrong. They don’t know how draining all the little things are.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:22

Naunet · 05/04/2023 17:15

Really? It sounds very much like your sneering at OP for even posting to me, maybe that’s not how you meant it? You’re comment that she didn’t have much to complain about, what did that mean then? Do people have to have X number of problems before they post? I’m just wondering why you’re so dismissive of OP?

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Yes really, you are completely wrong. I wasn’t sneering in any way at the OP. She doesn’t have much to complain about - she has a well paid job, a comfortable home and the lifestyle she worked to achieve, that is having dogs. She wanted to work from home and she works from home. She is financially secure. She mentions friends. She has a lot going for her. Her partner is a let down and she doesn’t love him any more. She should dump him and she can quite easily because they aren’t married and there are no children together so it can be a clean break. She has protected her investment in her home. She doesn’t have much to complain about. The important part you missed was that I also said she is clearly unhappy and that even if you have a good life you can still find that it doesn’t make you as happy as you thought it would. That she is right to make changes to be happier. I haven’t dismissed the OP at all. I find your reading quite, quite odd.

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:23

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:21

What a load of bollocks.

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Charming

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 17:23

@Spiderplantweb

Yes, all the little things can bottle up and be draining.

This is very hard to do, but did you talk to him about any of this and if so, what was the result?

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:23

I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick. And feel sorry for him and think that I have done him wrong. They don’t know how draining all the little things are.

You can tell them how it really was. Your true friends will stand by you.

Anyway, relationships end all the time, it’s hardly extraordinary.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 17:24

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:21

What a load of bollocks.

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Rude. Take your attitude elsewhere

lightlypoached · 05/04/2023 17:24

@Spiderplantweb it's a ridiculously bad division of Labour.

Ignore all the sniping. Fuckers.

If it were me I'd do one of two things

just do your own dinner from now on and tell him that the dog needs walking. And resolutely don't do it. At all.
set up a chores chart and talk
him through it. Like a child. And tell him that if he doesn't step up that he's moving out.

How fucking dare he?
Get angry. You deserve better.

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 17:26

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:21

I guess I mention all the little things that he doesn’t even seem to notice that I have to pick up on. Yes he wouldn’t clean a bathroom, or take bins out or do a laundry load, but he wouldn’t even walk past the dogs bowl notice it was empty and top it up. My point wasn’t to make a show about doing tiny chores, but that he just expects all things to magically happen. I got a text today about a parking fine that he had sitting on the side and he'd forgotten to pay so can I sort that before it increases. It’s the tiny stuff that grates more than the big stuff as it is so simple to do and would just show that he cares a little. Instead I feel like a maid, running round after him, it was a real turn off and why I stopped loving him.

I am so worried friends are just going to see me as taking the dogs and leaving him in the stick. And feel sorry for him and think that I have done him wrong. They don’t know how draining all the little things are.

OP having been ill myself you sound a bit depressed. Your real friends won’t think anything of the sort and anyone who thinks that isn’t your real friend. You are not married. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t love him, it’s over. You don’t need to come up with justifications. You just need to say I don’t love him any more and if that’s not enough you just say I felt like I had another child to look after. Your life is too short to waste worrying about what others think. Please give serious consideration to taking a couple of days in the office with the care of the dogs given over to someone else. I think you need a change of scene.

Original poster

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 17:31

@cassiatwenty ive tried asking him to do things, I’ve tried telling him doing everything makes me unhappy. I’ve been in tears so many times because I feel like a maid. I’ve told him I am frustrated that our beautiful home is left looking like a tip if I go
away for a few days. He doesn’t change. He has told me that he just doesn’t see the mess and if I want it cleaned I need to point it out. I tried pointing it out for three years, it made me feel like a nag. I tried not pointing it out, it made me depressed that I was cleaning everything. I tried not doing it either and the house descended into squallor.
we’ve had adult conversations, rows, ultimatums. Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

OP posts:

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 17:32

Well that's a worry you are going to have to get over OP, you cannot martyr yourself for this man just because you are worried about what people think. What a waste of your life that would be. You get one go at this, do you want to spend the next 40 years with a bone idle fool?
I always feel a bit distasteful mentioning my set up on threads like this but I'm going to anyway. My husband enhances my life 100%. I live in a spotless, lovely house because everyone in it is expected to muck in and keep it that way. We take it in turns to walk the dog, we take it in turns to cook. There's nothing nicer than someone placing a plate of food in front of you after a long day. We are 50/50 when it comes to the children and have been since the day they were born. It was blissful. Its so nice knowing I am part of a team. I look at him and just adore him. Still! I grew up watching my mum do EVERYTHING plus working full time while my dad lived his best life. Still the same now they have retired. I swore I would never end up like that and kissed many frogs before meeting my DH. A good, equal partnership means both people working hard at it. What is he doing to enhance your life?

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 17:33

It isn't perfect all the time, we have had a lot of shit thrown our way but we get through it together. Just about lol.

ConcordeOoter · 05/04/2023 17:36

Naunet · 05/04/2023 17:07

So she is perfectly justified in not wanting to skivvy for her partner then? So she is being taken for a mug after all!
Why didn’t you just say that rather than making bitchy comments about how wonderful her life is, without commenting on how much more wonderful HIS life is?

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I feel what I feel and am allowed to discuss it in good faith here, as is everyone else.

I don't typically "compare", but when someone outright posts on a public forum that they resent the hardship of their life compared to someone else and then go on to describe a nice life, on that occasion specifically, they invite and deserve the remarks of other people who doubt the sob story or point out it isn't that bad. Heck, in the right circumstances that moment of other people questioning resentment when it is brought out, so you see things in the cold light of day, can even be more useful than someone patting you on the back and saying "there, there you are right to feel like crap".

I didn't say anything out of such altruistic motives, though. I'm just being me.

midsomermurderess · 05/04/2023 17:37

How does it go? You don’t sound compatible. And while he sounds a bit doltish, it must be a bit enervating living with someone who tots every little thing up the way you do. What with your £85 k salary too, how can he ever win, or even break even? And it’s often said here that you don’t need a reason to leave a relationship. You don’t need permission from here. Just call it a day.

ConcordeOoter · 05/04/2023 17:38

Basically he doesn’t care, if I want a clean house, then I can tidy it, because it isn’t something he values or cares about. I don’t really know how that means he doesn’t have to cook either because he’s got to eat, but he doesn’t care.

What would he do if nobody cooked for him?

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 17:43

You clearly are the parent in the relationship and as you are not married, splitting up because having children with a child is a really stupid thing to do, is the obvious thing to do.

Dragging it out is silly.

Forget the vitriol on here.

Find yourself a good therapist to support you through this.

He is living off you and letting you carry him in every way.

The dogs are yours and you clearly take full responsibility for them, just as you would children.

He would be a useless dad, just like he is a useless partner.

You do not owe him your future so do not delay.

The house needs selling if you aren't going to buy him out.

He's the sort that you might say "nice enough guy, but absolutely not parent material, he's like having a child around, rather than a partner, nice enough fellow. It just ran its course, out of road!".

The worst thing you could do is stay out of fear, you are only wasting your time.

Do not concern yourself with other peoples opinions.

They don't have to live with him.

Don't be surprised if he is appalled at the thought of you no longer footing the bill for his lifestyle.

Don't be talked around.
You will bitterly regret it if you do.