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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My day versus his day

1000 replies

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 10:42

My day-
alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds
9:00 start work at my £85k a year job.
12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch.
1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery.
6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen.
8:00 we sit down to watch tv

his day

7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15.
8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work
9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves
17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out.
1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready
1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV.

Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 05/04/2023 15:22

The salaries are irrelevant. My DH earns twice my salary but we split our household chores and work as a team. This is what’s missing, why can’t he walk the dogs at 5 so it’s done when you finish or why can’t he cook dinner? What chores is he doing?

Buildingthefuture · 05/04/2023 15:23

So much vitriol because op said she earns £85k! How very…..mumsnet.
Op, you are doing the right thing getting rid of him, he is taking the piss. And it really isn’t up to you to facilitate his lifestyle moving forward.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:23

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:17

It's completely irrelevant from OPs original post. It only gets relevant when she carries on posting and dripfeeding and starts to talk about how he buys rounds and goes on stag dos that are not out of his money. If this was said in the opening post I think responses would be different.

Show quote history

No, it's totally relevant to the original post. We can also see that that demonstrated a total cocklodger, and the fact that he is exploiting OP financially as well as in terms of everything else very much ties in.

Delatron · 05/04/2023 15:26

Some posters on here have so little respect for themselves they will be queuing up for him once you’ve ditched him. So they can cook and clean and look after the poor man.

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:26

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:23

No, it's totally relevant to the original post. We can also see that that demonstrated a total cocklodger, and the fact that he is exploiting OP financially as well as in terms of everything else very much ties in.

Show quote history

From the original post, the only thing he's doing wrong is not being helpful after 19:30. The rest of it is a man who goes to work and comes home. Salaries are completely irrelevant.

The more OP has posted, the more she has described the cocklodger that he is. People have read it as though the OP was a bit stuck up over the salaries because there wasn't much given away in the first post.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:27

begoneday · 05/04/2023 15:08

OP clearly wants a partner who earns more. So leave him so that he can find someone who will appreciate him , and go and find a higher earner. Simples.

The only woman who would appreciate this man would have to be a total twat. Mind you, as this thread has demonstrated, sadly there seem to be more of those around than you might think.

kikedog · 05/04/2023 15:27

Leave him OP so lots of the ladies here can have him... if they can afford him!!!

PoshDoors · 05/04/2023 15:29

Ursualesther · 05/04/2023 10:44

Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery.

is that not once a week at most?

mountain. Molehill

Is that not just one of the things she mentioned as an example? I expect she left some things out too. There’s always you though.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:29

MysteryBelle · 05/04/2023 15:05

Does he have a long commute? (Although it doesn’t sound like it given the timetable in your op.) That could be making the difference in how he feels energy wise. Or an active job?

Let him take care of the dogs morning and night unless you’re exercising with them in the morning. Tell him to make the bed and do the laundry (or dishes), for example. Divide the chores up in some way that you’re both happy with.

This lopsided division of caring for house and children, dogs in your case, has always existed since the dawn of time. I have no complaints with my dh. He does more than most, a lot in fact. He has a tiring job too, so I keep that in mind. He may have grown up doing no chores around the house, in that case he has to be trained 😂

You have no commute and that makes a huge difference, and you’re presumably sitting most of the day.

The chances are that OP's partner is sitting most of the day too. Looking at the timings, his commute is quite a short one. It really can't be that exhausting for the poor little flower.

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 15:31

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 15:18

Someone on here will have him - given the general standards. A sorry dick is better than no dick to some.

Show quote history

Yep. The bar for men is low. As long as they have a job they shouldn't be expected to do anything else. Christ, us women are warriors.

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 15:32

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 15:21

When we got together I was earning about 5k a year more. I worked in a lot of jobs I didn’t really like to get myself into a position where I could WFH because I wanted dogs and couldn’t see how I could manage it with the office job and city commute. Over the years the seniority I needed to allow me to wfh permanently has given me the salary progression as well. But for me it has always been about getting myself into a position where I can have my dogs.

to be honest, my brain is so frazzled from the last few years I don’t think another partner is on the cards for quite some time. I feel quite bruised that I could get my judgment so wrong. And quite frankly I don’t need another ‘high earning’ partner. My life is pretty simple, I’m not one for flash cars or clothes I can quite easily fund myself.

and the name change? Really are you surprised with the absolute vitriol on this thread.

OP I can’t understand working as hard as you did just to be able to have a dog so I am having trouble seeing things from that perspective. However the reality is you and your partner aren’t compatible. I don’t think your life sounds particularly onerous but you aren’t getting what you thought out of it so you are right to make a change. If you don’t love your partner break up. You spend most of your time solitary working at home alone. Maybe go in to the office a couple of days a week and leave the dogs in doggie day care. You need to get out of the house more instead of stewing on resentments in the house. You don’t seem to have that much to complain about but clearly you are unhappy.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 15:33

GoldenCupidon · 05/04/2023 14:22

I can't imagine you have genuine friends who will be going "oh no poor H, he now lives in a flat" - why would they?

I expect more of your friends will be thinking it's good that you've dumped a big lazy man baby who sits around watching Hollyoaks while Mummy cooks his tea.

Is this personal experience...or? 🤓

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:33

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:26

From the original post, the only thing he's doing wrong is not being helpful after 19:30. The rest of it is a man who goes to work and comes home. Salaries are completely irrelevant.

The more OP has posted, the more she has described the cocklodger that he is. People have read it as though the OP was a bit stuck up over the salaries because there wasn't much given away in the first post.

Show quote history

So why can't he make the bed after he tips out of it? Why not help with the dogs? Why not make the dinner when he gets back instead of sitting around waiting for OP to do it? Why not do all the other bits of household work?

The post clearly demonstrated from the start that he does fuck all and leaves it all to OP. The fact that she is also heavily subsidising him is entirely relevant to that.

Lovingitallnow · 05/04/2023 15:34

Your mistake on the thread is communication. Everyone is comparing themselves to you and not him. So what you should have said is, I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I work longer hours and I earn more- if that's relevant.

Claridges12 · 05/04/2023 15:35

I don't fully understand the complaint about the dogs. OP loves the dogs. The dogs are very important to her. The dogs seem to have been there longer than the DH. But she complains about DH not walking them more than he does? Surely the dogs are a hobby, and DH's hobby appears to be watching TV. You don't go cycling 3 times a day and then complain about all that hard cycling work you're doing that isn't shared by your DH?

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 15:36

@GoldenCupidon I'm so sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you're always a bit...too reactive when AIBU threads come up.

Would you like some tea or a hug? 😇🔆

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 05/04/2023 15:37

I can’t stand it when people list things that they do and they include stuff like put them kettle on, have breakfast, eat lunch.

However, after your other posts, none of it really matters. You don’t love him so you are right to leave him. For that reason, I don’t know why you posted.
If you wanted support with leaving him or something else, then post a different thread.

It seems like you’ve got it all under control and have moved on already accept for him actually moving out. Be happy.

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 05/04/2023 15:38

except

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 15:39

and the name change? Really are you surprised with the absolute vitriol on this thread.

@Spiderplantweb No, because this is AIBU. My tip is to post next time on Relationships. AIBU almost always goes south. That's the point of AIBU, for some people to be going on and on LTB and project their own insecurities sadly

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:43

Rosula · 05/04/2023 15:33

So why can't he make the bed after he tips out of it? Why not help with the dogs? Why not make the dinner when he gets back instead of sitting around waiting for OP to do it? Why not do all the other bits of household work?

The post clearly demonstrated from the start that he does fuck all and leaves it all to OP. The fact that she is also heavily subsidising him is entirely relevant to that.

Show quote history

Everything you mention can be done after 19:30. The point I am making is he goes OUT to work, and comes home from work. At that point when he's home and settled HE SHOULD BE HELPING. Just because OP chooses to do things throughout the day doesn't mean that he should or can. But he should be helping when he can, and he's not, so I am agreeing he's useless and yet you're still arguing.

jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 15:44

OP, you are worth so much more than being this mans skivvy. Please do not feel bad about his change of lifestyle. All he had to do was pull his weight. He couldn't even be arsed doing that. Get him gone, you will thrive without the resentment weighing you down. Good luck in your new chapter!

GoldenCupidon · 05/04/2023 15:44

@cassiatwenty what I've noticed is you always quote tweet my posts and often reply to each multiple times - exactly as you have on this thread. Perhaps you could consider that this comes across quite unpleasantly?

RandomMess · 05/04/2023 15:45

There isn't equal leisure time, end of.

He wants to go part time 🤣🤣🤣🤣 presumably not to take on the dogs and house chores!

Sunshineandshowers42 · 05/04/2023 15:50

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 05/04/2023 11:59

I think you're reading a different thread.

Everyone is saying that she should leave him especially as she doesn't love him.

People are just also pointing out that

  1. she has absolute freedom to leave and no children to consider, so it's a bit hard to work out where there's even a dilemma

  2. her day isn't exactly onerous either, revolving as it does mainly around walking her dogs and a fairly short work day for a high salary, in comparison to the typical demographic of a forum on which most posters are juggling work (for salaries closer to 28k than 80k in most cases) with small children. The "my diamond shoes are too tight" aspect is always going to irritate people.

Show quote history

Yep, this.

Silverbook · 05/04/2023 15:51

I don't think either day sound particularly busy/stressful/taxing especially as you consider putting the kettle on as a job/responsibility.....

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