Page 13 | My day versus his day

Spiderplantweb · 2023-04-05T09:42:19+00:00

My day- alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds 9:00 start work at my £85k a year job. 12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch. 1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery. 6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen. 8:00 we sit down to watch tv his day 7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15. 8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work 9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves 17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out. 1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready 1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV. Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 13:44

whattodo1975 · 05/04/2023 11:51

oh my poor darling how do you cope emptying the dishwasher and then working from home, you poor poor thing.

Do you have reading comprehension problems?

Anskl · 05/04/2023 13:45

An hours dog walking every morning before work? If they aren't even his dogs then I can't blame him for preferring an extra hour in bed - I know I certainly would.

If you work similar hours then it shouldn't matter who is earning more, but I'd certainly be pissed off about him not doing his fair share of domestic chores and cooking.

It hardly sounds as if either of you is run off your feet though, TBH. All jobs done and sat down in front of the TV for 8pm? I wish!

Confusion101 · 05/04/2023 13:45

I think a lot of your post is irrelevant to be honest! But he doesn't do any house work so that's what you need to address with him. You can't get angry at him because you have allowed him to live this life up to now (I'm focusing on the evenings where he lies around and you do stuff, the rest of your days are irrelevant in my opinion. He can't exactly hoover from his work place). I'd start telling him what housework you expect him to start doing. If you make dinner, he cleans up after it. You need to have a conversation with him.

hamstersarse · 05/04/2023 13:46

Why do you walk the dogs 3 x times a day?

Rosula · 05/04/2023 13:46

B0g · 05/04/2023 11:58

Who is ‘he’? Husband? Just a boyfriend?
How come you chose someone who earns so much less than you, if it’s an issue? Why does he not equally contribute to chores?

Sounds like a nice, easy life, same as mine- childfree, pets, minimal drudgery. But if the man doesn’t enhance your life and make it fun, obviously dump him since that’s the sole point of a relationship.

It's pretty obvious that his earning wouldn't be a problem if he contributed equally to household stuff, isn't it?

Barbecuebeans · 05/04/2023 13:47

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 05/04/2023 13:21

Nobody thinks she deserves to be unhappy though do they.

Can you quote a post saying that she deserves to be unhappy?

She doesn't love him, they don't have shared children meaning that perhaps they should see if they can work on the causes of the resentment in order to perhaps save the relationship or be able to amicably co-parent without a romantic relationship, so she should leave - and she is doing.

That doesn't change the fact that neither of them have onerous schedules and it doesn't change the fact that the op has chosen to relatedly state her high salary for short hours from home and her dog walking to an audience on a forum where the majority of readers are parenting young children and working for salaries more comparable to her partner's.

Some of the answers are verbal equivalents of eye rolls because she hasn't read the room.

Tbh my hackles were raised by the salaries especially as he goes out to work and she works 7 hours from home, and she claims he works for a low wage in a job he loves but then that he wants to go part time. This is often the argument the man in a very stereotypical heterosexual relationship with children will use to imply that his wife owes him and he is the put upon one. Man in a socially less useful work from home desk job job often earns more than his wife in a job like teaching or nursing (especially if they mutually agreed she take time out when the children were small to do childcare and domestic work while his career took off).

Men often claim that if they earn a lot more and their wife's traditionally female dominated job is vocational socially useful) and she has insisted on continuing to work even though perhaps the couple could afford for her to do full time domestic work in their home, "she loves her job" and therefore she owes him and should be carrying most of the domestic load as well as working and still be grateful and know her inferior place....

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She hasn't read your room, don't include everyone in this. There are plenty of other people who don't put the boot in just because someone is on a higher salary (envy, obviously). Just because you're financially comfortable in life doesn't mean you shouldn't ever complain about anything again. Im sure she listed her salary so she didn't get the handmaidens coming on here saying she should do the housework because her poor husband has to do all the hard work in his 9-5 job, as people usually assume the man works harder and earns more.

Your last paragraph is absolutely irrelevant. No one is suggesting the OP's husband should carry all of the domestic load just because he earns less. Just that he should share it and not just sit on his arse.

Backstreets · 05/04/2023 13:48

Congratulations on not staying in a loveless marriage honestly.

FloydPepper · 05/04/2023 13:48

Rosula · 05/04/2023 13:14

Their relative salaries? Face it, he's not likely to be contributing more than around 30% at most to expenses; given his attitude to his responsibilities, I strongly suspect it's a lot less.

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And is that only a problem when it’s the bloke, or would you say lower earning women aren’t paying their way?

Rosula · 05/04/2023 13:49

Supergirl1958 · 05/04/2023 12:07

Sorry but your salaries aren’t relevant, regardless of whether you pay the majority of bills or not. You lead a very cushy lifestyle where you wfh. Take it up with your partner, not mumsnet!

People can take up anything they like on Mumsnet, it's a free forum. It's not for you to dish out orders about how it's used.

Dreamstate · 05/04/2023 13:52

HereIGoAgainAndAgainAndAgain · 05/04/2023 12:59

@Spiderplantweb I'm not sure why the vast majority of posters are being so hard on you. Their favourite lines on other posts are usually along the lines of ltb or he’s a cocklodger. For you, both are true. You made 4 key mistakes in your post though (imo):

you posted in AIBU not relationships
you mentioned salary amounts, rather than just that you earn 3 times his salary
you didn’t point out that you do all the mental load from booking a car in for its MOT to buying cards for him for his family (if that is the case)
you went into too much detail in listing your days

I’m glad you’re leaving. You are going to be so much happier

What is this mental load though? It took me just under 10 mins to phone up and book my car in to be checked for an issue. It wasn't stressful there was no 'mental load' it was just a quick and simple thing to do and took no time at all.

what is this bs of mental load

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 13:54

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😂

Dreamstate · 05/04/2023 13:54

Rosula · 05/04/2023 13:05

It's a pretty fair bet that a £85K a year job is a whole lot more stressful and onerous than a £28K a year job that her partner loves.

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so stressful and onerous she has time to mumsnet or more to the point as in her OP has time to book in food delivery and other things when supposed to be working...can't be that onerous or stressful if you have time to do that when you should be working

LadyLapsang · 05/04/2023 13:55

OP, you should treat yourself to the Tottering By Gently print by Annie Tempest, Making Coffee.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 13:57

But is he fit? If he's really fit you could overlook the bad bits and be the boss woman you are (with your £85k a year job)

You wouldn't happen to have a burning desire to help me out with my uni tuition fees? I mean, who am I to say no if that's the case 🤐

WoofWoofBeachLife · 05/04/2023 13:58

You are NOT being unreasonable! Don't be a groundhog day mug like I was.
Sounds like my exh. I was the higher earner, travelled for my job leaving early mornings and back late. He waited till I got home for his dinner. Even if it was late, he would text and ask how much longer I was going to be. I did all the housework, paid the bills, shopping, dealt with the 2 dogs and 2 cats. Organised all holidays, and any car maintenance. He said to me I should stop doing the cleaning all on one day at the weekends and do more during the week to spread the load, I kid you not!.
He used my higher salary and bonuses to secure a huge house, car changes frequently, better holidays. His contribution was he worked 8-4 Monday to Friday, managed 2 tea breaks and a lunch break, which I provided his lunch for daily. He came home had his shower and watched TV until I arrived to make his dinner.
There's so much more to my previous situation though, financial and mental, verbal and physical abuse. I was a professional hiding a shit life, ashamed. For 23 years i stayed. Don't be that woman, get him to fuck now and go and live your life. I am the happiest I've ever been now, married an amazing man, we have fuck all money but a lovely home and lots of love and we share everything. Yeah he needs a jag up the arse every now and then to do a certain thing but that's few and far between. Good luck 💐 x

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 14:01

Which one of you is that hot IG Influencer? The one with 85 k or 28 k salary?

I'm just curious

(Shouldn't this be in relationships, not in AIBU? O God we're both gonna get slaughtered in here 😅)

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 14:01

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Are you married?

Have you discussed any of this?

ChristmasFluff · 05/04/2023 14:01

Yeah, leave him, then you'll still be doing all the things you've mentioned but without his salary and with less washing up.

Normally I'd say you'll be less resentful too, because there's not someone there doing nothing while you do it all. But I'm not sure of that in your case.

Once you don't love someone, you don't have to justify ending the relationship.

Beachbreak2411 · 05/04/2023 14:02

Your day sounds lovely… and 85k you say? Yes please!! I’ll swop for my 20k job… I start at 630am and work till 5 and don’t get a break. Sound good?

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 14:04

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 05/04/2023 11:42

You don't sound like a mug. Your day doesn't sound that bad and the solution sounds really easy: just ask him to do a few tings and if he goes part time to do all the things so you can both enjoy some extra down time.

LIke the cooking and washing and hpusework?

RichardHeed · 05/04/2023 14:04

If “plans are in place” to leave, why are you asking? Surely it doesn’t matter now since the relationship is over?

Original poster

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 14:04

I take the dogs out three times a day to get out of the house! Otherwise I would be indoors all day everyday!

he views them as our dogs, calls them ours or his. It’s only legally and for the purposes of a split that I confirmed that they are legally seen as mine (also as the primary care giver that adds even more weight to my case)

I don’t begrudge a lot of the activities, it’s more to point out that I am up and out first thing, whilst he enjoys a lie in every morning, when what he could do is get out of bed before 8:30 and help with the washing, or make the bed bed he goes out.

we own the house on an 85/15 split and he pays about £250 month on the mortgage- rents around here are around £950 for a 1 bed flat. So my worry is I am going to leave him and all our friends are going to see him being left in a very different position to the one they are used to. Him insisting on buy rounds for everyone in the pub, going on lots of stag dos and weekends away- he simply won’t be able to afford it. I don’t want to lose my friends when I end up looking like the bad guy. But I am just knackered and pissed off feeling like I have to do everything, which is why I fell out of love with him.

I am desperate for kids, but haven’t wanted to have them with him, because with the way things are I don’t know how I would be able to look after them on top of everything else and I don’t want to bring them in to a situation which I know has no long term future. So I completely get that I am not managing that as well, but it’s not because I don’t want to.

OP posts:

Naunet · 05/04/2023 14:07

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 14:04

I take the dogs out three times a day to get out of the house! Otherwise I would be indoors all day everyday!

he views them as our dogs, calls them ours or his. It’s only legally and for the purposes of a split that I confirmed that they are legally seen as mine (also as the primary care giver that adds even more weight to my case)

I don’t begrudge a lot of the activities, it’s more to point out that I am up and out first thing, whilst he enjoys a lie in every morning, when what he could do is get out of bed before 8:30 and help with the washing, or make the bed bed he goes out.

we own the house on an 85/15 split and he pays about £250 month on the mortgage- rents around here are around £950 for a 1 bed flat. So my worry is I am going to leave him and all our friends are going to see him being left in a very different position to the one they are used to. Him insisting on buy rounds for everyone in the pub, going on lots of stag dos and weekends away- he simply won’t be able to afford it. I don’t want to lose my friends when I end up looking like the bad guy. But I am just knackered and pissed off feeling like I have to do everything, which is why I fell out of love with him.

I am desperate for kids, but haven’t wanted to have them with him, because with the way things are I don’t know how I would be able to look after them on top of everything else and I don’t want to bring them in to a situation which I know has no long term future. So I completely get that I am not managing that as well, but it’s not because I don’t want to.

Any friend that thinks you need to stay in an unhappy relationship so that he keeps his access to your money, is not a friend anyway.

cassiatwenty · 05/04/2023 14:10

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 14:04

I take the dogs out three times a day to get out of the house! Otherwise I would be indoors all day everyday!

he views them as our dogs, calls them ours or his. It’s only legally and for the purposes of a split that I confirmed that they are legally seen as mine (also as the primary care giver that adds even more weight to my case)

I don’t begrudge a lot of the activities, it’s more to point out that I am up and out first thing, whilst he enjoys a lie in every morning, when what he could do is get out of bed before 8:30 and help with the washing, or make the bed bed he goes out.

we own the house on an 85/15 split and he pays about £250 month on the mortgage- rents around here are around £950 for a 1 bed flat. So my worry is I am going to leave him and all our friends are going to see him being left in a very different position to the one they are used to. Him insisting on buy rounds for everyone in the pub, going on lots of stag dos and weekends away- he simply won’t be able to afford it. I don’t want to lose my friends when I end up looking like the bad guy. But I am just knackered and pissed off feeling like I have to do everything, which is why I fell out of love with him.

I am desperate for kids, but haven’t wanted to have them with him, because with the way things are I don’t know how I would be able to look after them on top of everything else and I don’t want to bring them in to a situation which I know has no long term future. So I completely get that I am not managing that as well, but it’s not because I don’t want to.

But is he fit?

That could make it or break it

Barbecuebeans · 05/04/2023 14:10

Beachbreak2411 · 05/04/2023 14:02

Your day sounds lovely… and 85k you say? Yes please!! I’ll swop for my 20k job… I start at 630am and work till 5 and don’t get a break. Sound good?

This isn't about comparing your life to the OP's. It's about comparing the OP's life to her husband's. Anyway would you say you can never complain because there are people in sweat shops that work for pennies a day? Of course not.