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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My day versus his day

1000 replies

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 10:42

My day-
alarm goes off at 7, I get straight up get ready take the dogs out at 7:30, back at 8:30, feed the dogs water, put kettle on, unload the dishwasher, have breakfast. Go upstairs make beds
9:00 start work at my £85k a year job.
12:30 take dogs out, put hoover round and grab lunch.
1:30 get back to work. Pay a few bills and organise shopping delivery.
6:00 he comes home, we take dogs out. I cook dinner load dishwasher, feed dogs, wipe round kitchen.
8:00 we sit down to watch tv

his day

7:00 gets woken up by my alarm, tools over goes back to sleep until 8:15.
8:30 gets out of bed, gets ready to go to work
9:00 leaves house for £28k a year job he loves
17:00 comes back home and sits down to watch tv until I am ready to go out.
1800 accompanies me on the evening walk and then watches tv until dinner is ready
1930 joins me for dinner and then goes back to watch TV.

Im an absolute bloody mug aren’t I.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 05/04/2023 12:45

When I first started living with my husband (before children) I found that I was the one doing everything (running around the supermarket in my lunchtime or after work, cooking, cleaning etc etc). At first our salaries were equal, but his eventually got larger.

Now I try and find any opportunity when talking to young women to say, start as you mean to go on and share all tasks.

Yes you are a mug (AKA a nice person), but that’s only because you are being taken advantage of by a ‘not nice person’

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/04/2023 12:45

get a robot hoover / hire dog walker / get a cleaner /dont both go on the evening dog walk / get him to cook half the dinners.

Ktime · 05/04/2023 12:48

iLiveALifeOfSin · 05/04/2023 12:42

Ignore me I've just seen your last post.

Leave then.

But really, if you just had a conversation like the pair of adults you are, it didn't need to get to this stage.
You've let it get this far by bit addressing it sooner. He absolutely needed to do more, but I feel a bit sorry for the guy tbh if you're moaning about putting a kettle on.

Why assume she hasn't addressed it with him?

Women usually post on MN as a last resort.

It was obvious from OP's first post that she was doing the bulk of chores, you and others chose to ignore it and then accuse her of drip feeding.

Ursualesther · 05/04/2023 12:49

Why assume she hasn't addressed it with him?

she’s mentioned putting the kettle on

so I reckon she’s one for detail

ConcordeOoter · 05/04/2023 12:49

You forgot 9am-9pm resent

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:50

And I hope you pool all family money and share it out equally after all bills are paid. That’s the MN way , isn’t it ? 😀

Rosula · 05/04/2023 12:51

Spiderplantweb · 05/04/2023 10:47

@slowsundays because on top of all the household work I end up paying for almost all our bills and days out. He’s talking about going part time because we’re comfortably off.

@Ursualesther i guess today I’m a bit distracted after this mornings realisation that I am a bit of a mug. And want to know that I am not completely off my rocker thinking that this situation is bonkers

Tell him if he goes part time then all the housework and cooking is down to him. I bet in his head it just means he has more time to sit around at home being waited on.

Naunet · 05/04/2023 12:51

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/04/2023 12:45

get a robot hoover / hire dog walker / get a cleaner /dont both go on the evening dog walk / get him to cook half the dinners.

Why should she pay for a cleaner to facilitate him sitting on his arse?

Ktime · 05/04/2023 12:51

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:50

And I hope you pool all family money and share it out equally after all bills are paid. That’s the MN way , isn’t it ? 😀

It doesn't work like that when one person does fuck all in the house.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 12:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/04/2023 10:47

Your days sound quite nice.

Doing an £85K a year job is going to be pretty pressured on any interpretation.

Naunet · 05/04/2023 12:52

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:50

And I hope you pool all family money and share it out equally after all bills are paid. That’s the MN way , isn’t it ? 😀

Maybe if married and/or have kids. Why the fuck would you give away half your earnings to a guy you’re just living with? Are you a total mug?

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:53

Ktime · 05/04/2023 12:51

It doesn't work like that when one person does fuck all in the house.

Show quote history

….. or when the woman is the higher earner !. Gotta be a name for that 🤔

Delatron · 05/04/2023 12:55

It’s completely irrelevant if some posters on here have a busier/trickier life than the OP. It’s not about you! Why should OP put up with her DH doing f all just because they don’t have kids or because her day doesn’t look too bad? She’s still doing everything- cooking, cleaning, walking dogs and working as much if not more than him.

Rosula · 05/04/2023 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Then you need to stop doing things for him. Lay it on the line to him one more time: if he doesn't start pulling his weight, you will not be cooking for him or washing his clothes, you won't be shopping for him, and you won't be paying for things like holidays and outings that include him. If he doesn't like it, he can bugger off and find another mug.

Ursualesther · 05/04/2023 12:57

@Delatron

its not about us

but…

the op has asked us whether or not she’s AIBU so of course we will relate to our own circumstances!

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2023 12:58

The OP isn’t happy and there are no kids to think of so she should end it. He is a grown man who can then look after himself

Dreamstate · 05/04/2023 12:58

who is paying bills everyday? wtf kinda bills do you have? Why are bills even something people on here always moan about surely most of us use direct debit and even then if you're like my mum and need to pay a bill quarterly its like a 5 min job to log in online and type in card details. It is not a stressful, hard or long task to do. It is not a daily thing to do.

Codlingmoths · 05/04/2023 12:58

iLiveALifeOfSin · 05/04/2023 12:42

Ignore me I've just seen your last post.

Leave then.

But really, if you just had a conversation like the pair of adults you are, it didn't need to get to this stage.
You've let it get this far by bit addressing it sooner. He absolutely needed to do more, but I feel a bit sorry for the guy tbh if you're moaning about putting a kettle on.

I really struggle to call men who don’t lift a finger around the house ‘adults’.

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:59

Naunet · 05/04/2023 12:52

Maybe if married and/or have kids. Why the fuck would you give away half your earnings to a guy you’re just living with? Are you a total mug?

Show quote history

Does such sage advice apply to men too ?

HereIGoAgainAndAgainAndAgain · 05/04/2023 12:59

@Spiderplantweb I'm not sure why the vast majority of posters are being so hard on you. Their favourite lines on other posts are usually along the lines of ltb or he’s a cocklodger. For you, both are true. You made 4 key mistakes in your post though (imo):

  1. you posted in AIBU not relationships
  2. you mentioned salary amounts, rather than just that you earn 3 times his salary
  3. you didn’t point out that you do all the mental load from booking a car in for its MOT to buying cards for him for his family (if that is the case)
  4. you went into too much detail in listing your days
I’m glad you’re leaving. You are going to be so much happier
Quartz2208 · 05/04/2023 12:59

But @Spiderplantweb you don’t need anyones permission to leave. There seems to be very little keeping you together and you are responsible for your own happiness and yours alone. He coped before he meet you he will survive after

Codlingmoths · 05/04/2023 12:59

iLiveALifeOfSin · 05/04/2023 12:39

But it's not out of his reach, is it? As the bills are being paid.

You rightly have to contribute more to the bills as you earn significantly more. He's wrong for wanting to go part time, but in ratio, you will have to put more towards bills.

If you split them 50/50 then he won't have any income left and you will be left with lots. Then you'll have to fund him in other areas.

Simply ask him to do more. Communicate. But your life seems pretty good to me. Your dogs don't need 3 walks a day. You haven't mentioned shaving children so I don't know how many beds you're making.

You don't sound like you particularly like the guy tbh. He's only not doing a lot because you're letting him and you're doing everything.

Split the housework.
Split the dog walks.
Take out irrelevant things like food shopping and putting the kettle on 😂 I wouldn't class putting the kettle on as a big job really. And let's be honest, you don't do the food shop delivery everyday. And pay bills everyday. If you're paying bills every single day then I would really recommend looking on where you can cut back. Have all your bills come out via DD the day after you both get paid. Then there's no need for you to pay bills every lunch break.

Your set up sounds ideal tbh. It'll be even more ideal if you stop doing everything and give some of the load to your other half.

No one's being bitches. You just added a load of waffle to your post and then drip fed when people questioned your quite idea day.

Show quote history

She has asked him. Simply read the thread.

Naunet · 05/04/2023 13:00

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 12:59

Does such sage advice apply to men too ?

Show quote history

Of course, why wouldn’t it? Are you a sexist or something?

Delatron · 05/04/2023 13:01

Why do you wash his clothes? If you didn’t he would have to as he wouldn’t have any clean clothes. Some of these issues would have been easy to resolve earlier on.

GobbieMaggie · 05/04/2023 13:01

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2023 12:59

But @Spiderplantweb you don’t need anyones permission to leave. There seems to be very little keeping you together and you are responsible for your own happiness and yours alone. He coped before he meet you he will survive after

Agreed as he’ll be entitled to at least half of all marital assets including all capital assets.

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