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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is so cheeky?

679 replies

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 09:10

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

OP posts:
Redebs · 05/04/2023 11:08

JKTrolling · 05/04/2023 10:44

She sound common. No wonder she doesn’t have £15 for a buffet!

Are you working towards your Snobbishness badge?

Crumpetdisappointment · 05/04/2023 11:09

she sounds terrible!

Original poster
WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 11:10

redskylight · 05/04/2023 10:54

Just to offer a different opinion - she's new to the group, she doesn't know how things work in "your" group yet. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt?

I have plenty of groups of friends where it would be perfectly reasonable to respond to "anyone fancy a meal out next week" with "nar, I'm skint, can we all come round yours instead?". And actually what tends to happen in that case is that whilst I'm "hosting" everyone turns up with wine, chocolates and nibbles, it's absolutely no bother for me, other than putting some things in the dishwasher at the end of the night, and I end up with the leftovers :)

If she had a similar idea in mind, then can't see that it's particularly CF. And if you have members in your group that can't afford to eat out, maybe you should consider some alternative social events that don't involve them having to do so?

But isn't that people you know really well? Even then I must admit I find it a bit rude to invite people to someone else's house of that option hasn't been offered in the first place. I've only met this woman once for about 5 minutes before a run.

Another one of the group has sent a very nice 'oh we always meet at a local restaurant (nowhere fancy) but hopefully we'll see you next time', so I'm keeping my mouth shut now and hoping she doesn't say anything else.

OP posts:
userab · 05/04/2023 11:10

Just reply saying sorry you can't make it and table booked at 7.30 for the following, looking forward to it

I wouldn't even respond to her

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/04/2023 11:10

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 05/04/2023 09:35

Why not?! I did mean not at the OPs home!

Show quote history

Because "hosting" could be taken to imply that OP is also paying.

And doubtless CF would do this.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 05/04/2023 11:12

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 09:10

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

Tell her to jog on..

VWHoliday · 05/04/2023 11:12

redskylight · 05/04/2023 10:54

Just to offer a different opinion - she's new to the group, she doesn't know how things work in "your" group yet. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt?

I have plenty of groups of friends where it would be perfectly reasonable to respond to "anyone fancy a meal out next week" with "nar, I'm skint, can we all come round yours instead?". And actually what tends to happen in that case is that whilst I'm "hosting" everyone turns up with wine, chocolates and nibbles, it's absolutely no bother for me, other than putting some things in the dishwasher at the end of the night, and I end up with the leftovers :)

If she had a similar idea in mind, then can't see that it's particularly CF. And if you have members in your group that can't afford to eat out, maybe you should consider some alternative social events that don't involve them having to do so?

I wouldn't say this to good friends never mind a stranger. It is being a CF. There is no way I would join a group and try and change the plans.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2023 11:12

Sounds like others in group have your back. I’d leave it as is.
It’s clear you are going to Chinese and everyone pays their own.

3luckystars · 05/04/2023 11:20

The cheeeeeeek!!!

NewChange · 05/04/2023 11:21

She’s bonkers. Need to know how it goes on Friday now. I’m certain she’ll show up and refuse to pay.

thenightsky · 05/04/2023 11:21

Just a line of laughing emoticons should do as a reply. Maybe add a 'fuck off'?

NewChange · 05/04/2023 11:22

Wednesday I mean Unsure why I jumped to Friday!

Sittwritt · 05/04/2023 11:25

‘I’m sorry to hear that you could join us, but look forward to seeing everyone for the catch up.’

Seasonofthewitch83 · 05/04/2023 11:27

The audacity!

You arent even hosting, you are organising/suggesting!

bjrce · 05/04/2023 11:28

This is one of the best CF stories on Mumsnet in a while.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall that night out in the Chinese when everyone gets a few drinks into them and the topic of the CF texts is mentioned! LOL!
😂😂😂😂

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 11:41

Wishimaywishimight · 05/04/2023 09:50

That would be very strange though surely? If someone suggests a dinner / lunch or whatever why on earth would you think that meant they were paying? Friendship would be an expensive business if so!!

Show quote history

She was a very... odd person! She knew they weren't offering to pay, but wanted a free meal and knew they'd have to foot the bill as she couldn't. The only thing they did wrong was give her a second chance, she was well known for being grabby.

maryanne3 · 05/04/2023 11:42

Looks like she really does not understand the protocols of the group. A straightforward explanation of "sorry, the etiquette in this group is we occassionally meet up somewhere for a meal, it is never at anybodies house. As a newby you will not be aware of this. Hope that straightens it out for you!" and leave it at that. This is more a problem for her than you, since clearly she will be isolated on this; so be gracious in your correction; others are on your side.

Daisydu · 05/04/2023 11:43

Id just say “lol.. erm nope I’m not hosting thanks, 🤣🤣I wanted to get out for the evening”

TomeTome · 05/04/2023 11:46

Gloriously awful woman! Don’t get drunk on the night or someone will say something at the Chinese restaurant and you will all die laughing.

BlueBunting · 05/04/2023 11:48

Don’t worry, the rest if the group think she’s bonkers as well.

Crumpetdisappointment · 05/04/2023 11:51

so rude
if she wants to perhaps she can invite people to hers?
but i wouldnt suggest it,
dont set a precedence
you have worked well going out for the occasional meal/drink

Wishimaywishimight · 05/04/2023 11:53

Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever been at a dinner with one of these CFs and they turned up, ate and drank, and then said they assumed the person who suggested the meeting was paying? Just wondering how it would be handled i.e. if everyone but the CF chipped in so there was a balance outstanding. No doubt someone would eventually give in and pay the extra share but if no one did what would the restaurant do I wonder?

astarsheis · 05/04/2023 11:57

Cheeky mare. Think you've handled it perfectly 😉

MichelleScarn · 05/04/2023 12:03

Mercurial123 · 05/04/2023 09:13

Just reply sorry you can't join us on this occasion, hopefully see you at the next dinner. She's a chancer.

And don't forget to add, 'FYI, we also cover our own bill at the restaurant, no one 'hosts' or covers anyone else!' 😉

MichelleScarn · 05/04/2023 12:04

Ah didn't see what @Wishimaywishimight had posted, but thought same!

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