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Original poster

To think this is so cheeky?

679 replies

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 09:10

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

OP posts:
RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 05/04/2023 19:38

No one will dare ever suggest meeting up if they are then expected to stump the money for everyone 🙄

"If you invite, you host" what a stupid thing to say

Crumpetdisappointment · 05/04/2023 19:41

she is a tells it like it is sort of person

at least you have the team behind you op

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 19:44

Your 18:14 update is hilarious OP. Well done Sole Male Member for not pandering to her nonsense.

People like this thrive on conflict, & will use any excuse to manufacture it.
They are not embarrassed to use aggressive tactics, CF'ery & outright rudeness to achieve that end, because any attention is good attention. For many of them, the more negative the attention the better, as it's more satisfyingly melodramatic. When it inevitably goes tits up because people realise they are dealing with a Cluster-B-fuck, they can extract even more juice by playing the victim.

She's now shown you she's prepared to divide & rule by singling out candidates (preferable be-penised?) to act as her Flying Monkeys. You'll all be grand, as you have a "do not respond" plan that you'll all stick to, so her tactics won't bear fruit.

Suggest you relegate yourself to a position of quiet wonderment, safely concealed behind the group decision for none of you to take her bait. The separate group chat for the next meetup is your only sensible route forward, there's simply no requirement for any of you to suck up whateverthefuck she's playing at.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cluster-b

https://narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/

Cluster B

Personality disorders—atypical ways of thinking about oneself and relating to other people—are grouped into three clusters: A, B, and C. Cluster B disorders are marked by inappropriate, volatile emotionality and often unpredictable behavior. The disord...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/cluster-b

3luckystars · 05/04/2023 19:45

Nutter

Datafan55 · 05/04/2023 19:53

(I was also the only kid in junior school who had to give out presents on their own birthday (mortifying for a very shy kid))

(I have happily instigated many a social thing without feeling obliged to pay for everyone though: it's just good to get people together)

MonkeyHarold · 05/04/2023 19:54

redskylight · 05/04/2023 10:54

Just to offer a different opinion - she's new to the group, she doesn't know how things work in "your" group yet. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt?

I have plenty of groups of friends where it would be perfectly reasonable to respond to "anyone fancy a meal out next week" with "nar, I'm skint, can we all come round yours instead?". And actually what tends to happen in that case is that whilst I'm "hosting" everyone turns up with wine, chocolates and nibbles, it's absolutely no bother for me, other than putting some things in the dishwasher at the end of the night, and I end up with the leftovers :)

If she had a similar idea in mind, then can't see that it's particularly CF. And if you have members in your group that can't afford to eat out, maybe you should consider some alternative social events that don't involve them having to do so?

When you're new to a group and the CF is very new, I think you should should see how things are normally done for a bit before offering new suggestions. Even then, new suggestions shouldn't be putting on someone else. In this instance, someone she's never even met.
If you don't mind people inviting themselves over, that's great but it's not for everyone.
If there are are people in OP's group that can't afford to eat out, then nothing is stopping them from suggesting alternative social events.
The OP asked some people if they wanted to meet up for a casual meal, she didn't offer to be the entertainment committee. 🙂

Lunde · 05/04/2023 19:54

icanneverthinkofnc · 05/04/2023 19:28

I'd almost be tempted to put ..
' hi guys, with a bit of reflection, I think Jane might have an idea for the summer...BBQs...as she has suggested 'at home' meet ups I'm sure she she will agree to host the first one and see how it goes..'
Watch her implode 🤣

Last running club BBQ I attended was a BYO - each person took their own stuff to BBQ themselves ie meat and veggies etc. The "hosts" provided the BBQ, charcoal, a bowl of salad and a couple of french sticks

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2023 19:55

Seems a very weird comment from a new girl

Then to message the only man. Who hopefully showed his wife as well - and can reply accordingly

Lunde · 05/04/2023 20:02

MonkeyHarold · 05/04/2023 19:54

When you're new to a group and the CF is very new, I think you should should see how things are normally done for a bit before offering new suggestions. Even then, new suggestions shouldn't be putting on someone else. In this instance, someone she's never even met.
If you don't mind people inviting themselves over, that's great but it's not for everyone.
If there are are people in OP's group that can't afford to eat out, then nothing is stopping them from suggesting alternative social events.
The OP asked some people if they wanted to meet up for a casual meal, she didn't offer to be the entertainment committee. 🙂

Show quote history

I agree with this

It would be fine if she had said "Oh sorry a meal out is not in my budget, but I'd like to get to know you all so perhaps we could go for a drink/coffee/whatever after training".

But trying to force OP to pay for a dinner party and then trying to "divide and conquer" by complaining to "the man" about "the girls" is just CF territory

Babytwodue · 05/04/2023 20:04

Wow! This is proper CF behaviour!!!

Jellifulfruit · 05/04/2023 20:07

Jesus. Looks like she genuinely just wants to cause drama, I don’t think there’d be any pleasing her. Thank god she’s not coming into your home! Could be an uncomfortable few hours

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 20:09

CF to the extreme!!

(ps OP what time should we arrive for the party next week, we wouldn't want to be late)

Monstersmum3 · 05/04/2023 20:11

I'd maybe just go back with, "Not the way it works, we go out, no pressure to come or not, and no washing or tidying up! Sorry you can't join us this time. Hopefully you'll be able to join us soon!"
Make it clear what she's suggesting is not an option.

MelroseGrainger · 05/04/2023 20:17

Datafan55 · 05/04/2023 18:50

Just to make a point for all those immediately attributing the worst motives to people as usual;
My parents see things this way (you invite, you host) and they are very much NOT CFs... In fact, they end up way out of pocket as they insist on paying for everyone to stuff their faces (even when I in vain offer for us all to chip in).

However in your group, you have a standard way of doing things, and that's fine. A newbie has to adjust any viewpoints of their own to fit in with that.

I can’t quite understand how that works? If I suggest a meet up for a meal with friends, then I automatically have to host it at my house, rather than go to a restaurant? Surely that makes no sense? How can they expect the world to function that way? (I’m sure your parents are as lovely as you say though. It just doesn’t make any sense)

Circumferences · 05/04/2023 20:18

That's not just rude it's totally mental.

Honeyroar · 05/04/2023 20:19

RuddyLaura · 05/04/2023 19:35

I agree @VWHoliday. I've been in the position to not be able to afford what everyone else is doing - I go when I can and when I can't I don't, or offer to do a cheaper alternative when it feels like my turn to organise something! No big deal or sour face!

Yes - this is what normal people would do.

OP I think you should definitely carry on with the same chat. Ignore it this time, but clamp down (as a group) if it happens again.

AngelsandAliens · 05/04/2023 20:19

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 18:14

Well there's been a slight development. She has sent a separate message to one of the group, the only man in the group, which may or may not be coincidence (doubtful), asking if 'the girls' (we are all in our 40s/50s and his wife is also in the group, although she may not know this as they normally run at different times) are always this 'welcoming' to newcomers with yet another rolly eyed emoji.

I know this because he's messaged and told me and he hasn't and won't respond. So we've all decided to completely ignore any messages, be civil when we run and start a new group for the next catch up which will be a few months away anyway.

I've been telling my sister all this and she's convinced that I'm bullshitting her with this latest update because it's so weird, but alas no!

Is this woman serious , I don’t get the balls of people , she joins a new group and initially comes across like a rude bitch , I just can’t get it , I must be soft as shit but I would never behave this way.

I’ve seen a few posts lately about the rudeness and absolute audacity of people , and I’m shocked , what’s going on in the air?

I have to be honest I’m petty af but I would be so short with her when you next see her.

Namechanged2251 · 05/04/2023 20:26

So so cheeky! I can’t believe it!

sorry to go off topic but can someone please tell me how to find a running group? I’ve tried for many years to unsuccessfully find one. I just googled “running clubs in (name of my city)” but cannot find anything.

Hellybelly84 · 05/04/2023 20:27

I would write back very honestly that you always meet at pubs/restaurants and theres never any pressure for anyone to come. Write it like your talking to a complete newbie to the group (which she is).

Then a new sentence with a date to reply by if you can make it. She surely cant argue with that?

TheChoiceIsYours · 05/04/2023 20:32

Namechanged2251 · 05/04/2023 20:26

So so cheeky! I can’t believe it!

sorry to go off topic but can someone please tell me how to find a running group? I’ve tried for many years to unsuccessfully find one. I just googled “running clubs in (name of my city)” but cannot find anything.

Go to your nearest running shop and ask. Most have a group based out of the shop or at the least will have adverts up in the window or be able to point you to one. You could also look up This Mum Runs which has groups across the country I think.

Soapyspuds · 05/04/2023 20:37

My parents see things this way (you invite, you host) and they are very much NOT CFs... In fact, they end up way out of pocket as they insist on paying for everyone to stuff their faces (even when I in vain offer for us all to chip in)

Even when it is clearly not an invite and the idea is going out to a restautant?

thenightsky · 05/04/2023 20:40

Namechanged2251 · 05/04/2023 20:26

So so cheeky! I can’t believe it!

sorry to go off topic but can someone please tell me how to find a running group? I’ve tried for many years to unsuccessfully find one. I just googled “running clubs in (name of my city)” but cannot find anything.

Where in the UK are you? Maybe those of us in running clubs can suggest some? I'm in Lincolnshire if that's any help.

Doone21 · 05/04/2023 20:45

Agree, totally rude, tell her when she wants to invite everyone round to hers she can but you can't host and you have a long established tradition of meeting out. Suggest she join for a drink only if she can't afford a meal. Or hosts it herself. Don't even get into an argument with her, she's clearly got no manners

Datafan55 · 05/04/2023 20:52

MelroseGrainger · 05/04/2023 20:17

I can’t quite understand how that works? If I suggest a meet up for a meal with friends, then I automatically have to host it at my house, rather than go to a restaurant? Surely that makes no sense? How can they expect the world to function that way? (I’m sure your parents are as lovely as you say though. It just doesn’t make any sense)

Show quote history

Yes it is weird :-) Well meaning and kind, but quite impractical.

Luminousnose · 05/04/2023 20:52

The weirdness of some people never ceases to amaze me.