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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is so cheeky?

679 replies

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 09:10

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

OP posts:
Sunnyfunnytimes · 05/04/2023 18:55

Sittwritt · 05/04/2023 18:52

I think your group should be mature enough to ignore her without having to create another group. That’s stuff you would do as a 15 yo and u ought to be able to handle it as a group.

I somewhat agree with this, I think uou just keep your group and use it as normal.

ArchieStar · 05/04/2023 18:55

Christ she has form hasn’t she! Hopefully she sees his “no response” as a response! CF completely! You can’t just enter a new group and try to change things.

Iamblossom · 05/04/2023 18:57

My mind is actually blown at how CF this is.

Lunde · 05/04/2023 18:57

For whatever reason the CF is unable or unwilling to understand how it works in sporting/hobby groups and the difference between a club/group meet-up with shared costs and a formal social invitation outside of such groups that someone hosts and pays for.

It has worked this way in sporting clubs for years - I was a member of a sporting club in the 1970s and we always paid for ourselves at pub lunches, meals out etc If you wanted to go to the annual dinner then you bought a ticket. Even when we had social events at peoples' homes - it was always on a pot-luck/bring a dish basis. The club had a social secretary to coordinate the meet-ups but they were never expected to be like a dinner party host and pay for other members.

Nothingbuttheglory · 05/04/2023 19:00

She's trying to Wendy you (apologies to all the lovely Wendies out there).
Sounds like your group is rock solid though. Hope she moves on soon.

MyEasterEggs · 05/04/2023 19:04

There’s nothing unwelcoming about you suggesting the whole group go out to dinner. Quite the opposite. And the brass neck of her thinking you could and would host 10 people at yours! She sounds very challenging with little self awareness but don’t let her upset the dynamic. She needs to check her behaviour.

Advicerequest · 05/04/2023 19:04

Greentree1 · 05/04/2023 09:38

Try, 'We don't do it like that, we just meet up sometimes anyone can come or not come and we pay our own way, nobody hosts at home. You could suggest meeting at yours sometime if that's what you prefer.'

I opt for this.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 05/04/2023 19:07

fairgame84 · 05/04/2023 09:12

Shut that down straight away.
Reply that you always meet at a restaurant and don't host at home. She's new to the group, she can't start dictating how you do your meet ups.

This 100%

partypompoms · 05/04/2023 19:07

I'd keep the same group for now and see how it goes. I imagine she'll leave soon enough.

Keep the moral high ground. She's a dick.

thing47 · 05/04/2023 19:09

if there are people in your group that can’t afford the odd meal out, doing some other social activity that’s free from time to time would be sensible

They do, they run. It's a running group.

momtoboys · 05/04/2023 19:10

The cheekiness is ridiculous

NumberTheory · 05/04/2023 19:16

thing47 · 05/04/2023 19:09

if there are people in your group that can’t afford the odd meal out, doing some other social activity that’s free from time to time would be sensible

They do, they run. It's a running group.

I’ve been a part of many sports teams and groups and in my experience you do most of the socializing when you aren’t totally out of breath from the exercising. Which is why things like the occasional dinner out, or going to the pub after, etc. are nice.

The CF who made demands on OP may not be worth any consideration, but there are probably other members of the group who simply, quietly (as everyone on here thinks they should) refrain from participating because of cost. It would be good to be mindful of how activities that cost money may exclude a bunch of nice participants you’d all get a lot out of getting to know better.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 05/04/2023 19:17

Datafan55 · 05/04/2023 18:50

Just to make a point for all those immediately attributing the worst motives to people as usual;
My parents see things this way (you invite, you host) and they are very much NOT CFs... In fact, they end up way out of pocket as they insist on paying for everyone to stuff their faces (even when I in vain offer for us all to chip in).

However in your group, you have a standard way of doing things, and that's fine. A newbie has to adjust any viewpoints of their own to fit in with that.

But would your parents tell practical strangers that "you invite, you host" and say OP must host in her house?

Read on.....

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2023 19:21

Gosh she’s got some front. I’d want him to reply yes the girls inc my wife are all friendly they invited everyone for a Chinese. Why the eye roll?
Is there an admin/organiser that can message her and say it’s a friendly group and her eye rolls and complaints to individuals are not in spirit of group

JeannieAlogy · 05/04/2023 19:22

I can't see how she thinks she's in any position to complain about perceived rudeness when she's the one who's suggesting that you pay for everything.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2023 19:24

Op didn’t invite anyone or offer to host anyone. She just suggested meeting up. Someone else suggested the new Chinese.
It usually takes someone to think we haven’t been out for a bit and start things off on a group chat.

LemongrassLollipop · 05/04/2023 19:25

What a piece of work she is ......

Now man friend is in a difficult position but good on him having your back and letting you know about the underhand tactics

icanneverthinkofnc · 05/04/2023 19:28

I'd almost be tempted to put ..
' hi guys, with a bit of reflection, I think Jane might have an idea for the summer...BBQs...as she has suggested 'at home' meet ups I'm sure she she will agree to host the first one and see how it goes..'
Watch her implode 🤣

blackbeardsballsack · 05/04/2023 19:28

I wish I was in this group. I would be replying to the CF saying '?? Why have you just sent that emoji to OP?'

VWHoliday · 05/04/2023 19:30

NumberTheory · 05/04/2023 19:16

I’ve been a part of many sports teams and groups and in my experience you do most of the socializing when you aren’t totally out of breath from the exercising. Which is why things like the occasional dinner out, or going to the pub after, etc. are nice.

The CF who made demands on OP may not be worth any consideration, but there are probably other members of the group who simply, quietly (as everyone on here thinks they should) refrain from participating because of cost. It would be good to be mindful of how activities that cost money may exclude a bunch of nice participants you’d all get a lot out of getting to know better.

Show quote history

If some of them enjoy and want to meet up every 4 months or so for a meal I don't think they should change that.

Someone could suggest something else cheaper another time.

CF needs to stop being so rude.

psychDr · 05/04/2023 19:32

😂😂😂 wow. I cannot believe people like this really exist. What an absolute CF.

MeridianB · 05/04/2023 19:32

So in a group of virtual strangers, she makes this very odd comment. Then instead of backing down, she doubles down.

And then starts messaging the only man to moan about the rest of the group?

She’s big trouble. And she’s only just getting started. 👿

PS Very impressed that man is ignoring her message - it’s the best possible response.

Isledelaray · 05/04/2023 19:33

It all sounds very Malory Towers to me!

New girl doesn't fit in, is being a bit difficult so everyone effectively sends her to Coventry. I'm expecting a calamity to befall her now, before a longstanding group member rescues her, she realises the error of her ways, ends up not only being super popular but also the group admin, welcoming new members and regaling them with tales of her misdemeanours at the start.

Or not. But you never know.

Datafan55 · 05/04/2023 19:33

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 05/04/2023 19:17

But would your parents tell practical strangers that "you invite, you host" and say OP must host in her house?

Read on.....

Show quote history

They would not mention that, due to good manners: however that is the way they'd see it. And thus they would pay for virtual strangers in the same scenario..... Eg if newbies ended up coming to something they'd suggested for a group.

Obviously everyone paying for themselves is fairer to all, but I'm just trying to show the other viewpoint!

(And of course in Germany/German; I invite you = I am paying for you).

RuddyLaura · 05/04/2023 19:35

I agree @VWHoliday. I've been in the position to not be able to afford what everyone else is doing - I go when I can and when I can't I don't, or offer to do a cheaper alternative when it feels like my turn to organise something! No big deal or sour face!