Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

You have one child. Your DH has two children. You’re asking him to go on holiday with one of them, excluding the other. You don’t deserve a holiday with just your child and DH, no - this is is the situation you get in to when you marry and/or have a child with someone who already has children.

Hi OP

Go on the holiday without your DSD or he has to to pay to go with her another time . There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

I knew what the replies would be to this thread straight away.

I think it’s assumed the ‘first family ‘ get the duff deal when in reality a lot of the time it’s the second family/ kids that miss out.

I'd just go with you and your baby. There are some lovely baby and me yoga holidays where women take their small children and there is childcare and organic loveliness in sunny places.

No they won't, unless that is communicated to them by someone.

If all the adults in their life act like it's the most normal thing in the world, they will accept it as such. Which it is.

@Bernadinetta

no

shes said it’s mainly financial reasons

Really OP you are trying to erase his past and you are viewing his DD as a cuckoo. This can sometimes be subconscious. You talk about your maternity leave as a very special time but you chose to get pregnant by a man who already had DC and other commitments. It's never going to be the same as having a baby with a first time dad. If I split with DH and had a baby with someone else I would tell them to piss off if they insisted on me having a holiday alone as a 3 without my DD. My DD comes as a package and that's not negotiable, his DD will always be his child along with your baby.

This!

How is a holiday going to be relaxing when taking baby with you if you already find it hard work having baby at home?
It's just going to be the same but in a different environment

Yes they would if my DD was excluded from a holiday they would ask why. They know at 8+ when they are being "left out". Unless DH lies to the DD about him going away.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to go on holiday and wanting to avoid the massively inflated costs of school holiday travel. But your family dynamics are what they are. I know a lot of step mums on MN want to claim that their family dynamic doesn't have to include the step kids but I will always think that's a fucked up way of looking at things.

And your baby will be free next year too. And you won't need to go in school holidays for another 4 years so what will you do for the next few years?

It also sounds like the child's mother has been stirring things by having the 'thought' that the OP and her husband were going on holiday without the step-daughter and telling the child, hence her alleged unhappiness. What does she offer her child by way of holiday or is this all down to the father and the OP?

Is that right OP? Is it mainly for financial reasons? If so then you’re right, I have misunderstood. If your DP and his ex laid together for DSD to come away with you this time, would that be the ideal outcome for you? Or is it not actually mainly financial reasons and you don’t want her to come on this holiday, whether she’s paid for or not?

My partner works a lot. I’m ALONE most the time. It’s not the baby that’s the issue. It’s the mental health issues that come with being alone most the day and no adults to talk to.

a holiday with my partner would be completely different.

@CatherinedeBourgh bollocks. If my dad had taken his partner and kid away without me and my siblings, I'd have been upset.

I might want to go on holiday in cheaper term time, or with the easy child not the hard work child (I don’t want to of course!), but I can’t because they’re my children and it’s not right to leave one behind for convenience. Your DH has two children. He can’t go on holiday unless he can pay for and accommodate both of them.

Why does the ex need to know? Just say you are going to visit friends during school term time and time it to coincide with a weekend his daughter isn't with you.

I don't know why a single childless woman would choose to get with a man with existing DC. They then get jealous that he cannot solely prioritise the new family and that he's already been through pregnancy and birth before.
I think the most balanced blended families are where they have both have DC to begin with. They both understand the family dynamics and responsibilities.

I’d be back at work earning a full wage so going in school holidays wouldn’t then be a problem. It’s only a problem now as I’m on statutory.

I’m not jealous. Also what black and white world do you live in? Id love to live there also.

You’re paying out of savings but who is paying all the living expenses? If it’s him I think you’re unreasonable to expect him to do that but expect your money is just your own. He has 2 children, of course he should take them both. Can you look for a holiday with a free child place? Or just go yourself

I totally agree with you. When single I didn’t want to have to deal with other people’s children so I didn’t get in to relationships with men with children. It’s not difficult. I do think that where both partners already have children it makes more sense. That said I know some really great step mothers who got with their husbands who already had kids and they have been wonderful. The difference is they never make a difference between their children and his pre existing ones.

@B0711
You don’t have to justify yourself OP. Please don’t go down that rabbit hole. It’s just a case of you and your partner sorting something out .
Sounds to me like the 8 year old does okay . A lot of people make assumptions about what children may or may not think.

You just want to go on a certain type of holiday , nothing wrong with that at all .