Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

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My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

I recall the comments being much more split than the poll would suggest.

As far as the ‘horror’ goes, there was about four of you that kept banging on about her perfectly reasonable opinion as to her role in her stepson’s life, an opinion that was also shared by plenty of others baffled as to why she would be held responsible.

@holaschicas It’s not remotely feminist to suggest that women are above criticism, especially when they’re making choices that involve children being treated badly. So no thanks, I shan’t.

What's feminism got to do with it

“Stop criticising women” is feminist rhetoric. The sisterhood etc.

You need two holidays, term time, last min cheap one, for your cheap one off mat leave one, if he doesnt want to go go with a friend or your mum?

Then he needs to pay for a caravan site holiday with kids entertainment, half term or summer holiday where both kids can bond, in summer when baby a bit bigger.

Oh right

OP don't know if you're still reading this, some awful comments.

I think you should go with your partner and baby - totally different holiday than with an 8 year old, the age gap is really big. If you givebin on this you can end up that your child comes second, that you can't do things when step-daughter won't be there etc.

My son's Dad has a new family, with younger kids, and I do not expect my son to he included in everything they do - maybe a trip to Disney, but not a flaking on a beach with a baby.

And it is your money, you're not married, so look after your assets.

I think she is proving again how selfish as a step parent and partner she is . No wonder SP have a bad rep with so many people literally being so disconnected from what a family should be .

I think she is proving again how selfish as a step parent and partner she is . No wonder SP have a bad rep with so many people literally being so disconnected from what a family should be .

Ok love. Tell that to my DSS who's absolutely fine and doesn't display any of the angst spoken about on here, who benefits from a family who all get to enjoy themselves.

There is no "what a family should be" that's going to fit all people, circumstances and relationships. What you mean is "this is horrendous that Sofa won'tmake her blended family conform to what I specifically believe a nuclear family ought to look like".

@fitzwilliamdarcy
Always the woman’s fault though, isn’t it?

You have zero experience of the situation so why lurk here…not even to give advice but just to criticise.

Would you tell people how to cope with twins when having none yourself, I doubt it.

I didn't count or note usernames. The vote was obviously heavily against the op on that thread. I'm not linking because I think it's against the rules here.

However, the point stands that that specific poster said unequivocally that she would prefer her children's older brother to go into the care system, rather than look after him herself along with her own children, if those were the only two options.

It does undermine any pretence to caring how he feels about any other, less extreme situation.

However, the point stands that that specific poster said unequivocally that she would prefer her children's older brother to go into the care system, rather than look after him herself along with her own children, if those were the only two options.

Why are you acting like I was the only person to say that? Loads of people agreed.

It does undermine any pretence to caring how he feels about any other, less extreme situation.

No it doesn't, it's perfectly possible to care about something but have a limit on how far that will take you. It's not all or nothing.

@aSofaNearYou
agreed, while would adopt DSD, I can understand why others wouldn’t.

No it doesn't, it's perfectly possible to care about something but have a limit on how far that will take you. It's not all or nothing.

people care about the planet but not enough to turn the heating off or give up cars or foreign holidays. @Bamboux YABU

Always the woman’s fault though, isn’t it?

I mean, where a woman wants to be with a man who acts like he doesn’t already have children, but chooses a man with children… yes it’s her fault. Who else’s fault would it be? This place is bizarre sometimes.

@fitzwilliamdarcy
But that isn’t what’s happening in this scenario. You’re right, this place is bizarre

I'm not defending the husband, but that was not what OP asked. Moreover, we don't know enough about them to make the claim he has a history like that. Stop making your own problems in your head.

Yes, thank you very much @TheRealShatParp, very eloquently put.

Who really gives a fuck what the vote was? It’s a mumsnet poll, hardly a binding referendum, and hardly worth bringing up in this thread except to once again share how shocked you are 🥴

Yes, she did. So did others. It’s perfectly possible to care for someone yet have a limit as to what you’re willing to do for them. Entirely normal, in fact.

@TheKnower99
Someone’s feeling sensitive…this has nothing to do with my parenting or my husk of a cranium. Being nasty and making personal comments doesn’t validate your argument.

The definition of neglect is not being cared for, there’s nothing to suggest DSD is not being cared for.

🤣

Well actually it’s mostly the man’s fault. Choose better for your kids. Unfortunately the world is full of men who put their sex life ahead of their kids.

For the last time, the reason I raised it , was sofa declared “everyone’s needs are being met”. I think it’s laughable that she would assume to speak for her stepsons interests when she has made it perfectly clear that she holds herself no more responsible for his needs than the average stranger on the street. (the latter being the reason she repeatedly gave for why she saw no moral imperative for her to concern herself with what might happen to her stepson in the event of his parents death, regardless of circumstances).

Annnywayyy. Both you and asofa share the same fundamentalist position on step parenting which seems to be that you need not concern yourself at all with the interests or wellbeing of your step children , if you chose not to- that being entirely the prerogative of their father (your partner). So at least own it. rather than declaring“everyone’s needs are being met” , more honest would be “I assume everyone’s needs are being met, but I don’t really concern myself either way”.

@Tandora
You’re twisting things, not sure if it’s to be inflammatory or to prove a point but you’re not being accurate as to what was said. You’re projecting your own feelings into the matter.

Are you a step mum?