Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Reading this thread again after reading the one about blended families , it’s clear why there is such a an issue . Step parents thinking they have no responsibility towards SC , parents with new partners forgetting their children should always be number one in their life’s no matter if they have new children or new wife’s .
This post is just an example of why blended families often do not work . If you marry someone who has children you do not cherry pick . If as a couple you struggle with money then you do not have more children unless that new child and his child can have the exact same thing .
The formula is not that hard . Step parenting involves sacrifices , it involves more expense , more time , more people to please and a lot of compromise . These are all things you should have thought about before having a child with him . Now do the right thing and learn to at least pretend loving that little girl since you seem incapable of actually thinking of anyone but yourself .
personally I have no idea why people find it so hard to love their SC, they are your partners most loved and important people , they should be a extension to the love you have for him .

Or, alternatively, it's an example of how some people fail to understand that other people's blended families work perfectly fine using the time the SC are at their other parents, unaware of what is happening at their dad's, as they see fit. And everyone is perfectly happy.

Ps, I don't love anyone because they are an "extension" of anyone else. I love people based on their own merits.

You are just proving my point ! You don’t see your SC has part of your family . I see them as part of mine . They are as important as my children , although I do not love them as my own children they are as important as them to our family working . People like you are the problem

You are just proving my point ! You don’t see your SC has part of your family . I see them as part of mine . They are as important as my children , although I do not love them as my own children they are as important as them to our family working . People like you are the problem

And you are proving mine. Nobody in my family is unhappy, including DSS. Everybody's needs are being met.

So remind me again how I am the problem?

The Op has not posted on here for nearly 2 weeks. They have about 3 other family / child orientated holidays booked.

I honestly don't think an adult orientated low season holiday, with the baby would be a bad thing for them as a couple.

The fact you support keep calling a step daughter "his daughter" says everything we need to know.

She is MARRIED. She chose to expand her family, and and she's telling an EIGHT YEAR OLD, "I don't really consider you my daughter" you're only here because of your dad makes me.

Dad has 2 children. If you're concerned about finances, he can pay for the vacation too

They’re not married.

His daughter isn’t her daughter. ‘Treating her like family’ doesn’t equal treating her like a daughter. The daughter is quite aware that OP isn’t her mother, I imagine.

it’s clear why there is such a an issue . Step parents thinking they have no responsibility towards SC , parents with new partners forgetting their children should always be number one in their life’s no matter if they have new children or new wife’s .

perhaps the issue is with expecting stepparents to be responsible for their stepchildren, and expecting blended families to operate in the same way as nuclear ones. That you have chosen to assume responsibility for your stepchildren doesn’t mean that anyone else has to adhere to your standards. By definition, blended families different, and trying to force them into a certain mould clearly doesn’t work and invariably leads to disappointment.

@TheKnower99
Neglect 😂😂😂 why don’t you call social services and see if they would consider this neglect. Give your head a wobble and have a look at the real issues some children have to face.

@LogicalPers0n
I think mum would take issue with OP referring to DSD as HER daughter, don’t you?

don’t want her there as it’s special time for us as a new family

😡😡😡😡😡😡

But they are NOT unaware and they are NOT perfectly happy. The other thread was about how miserable children are, and it’s very clear from some step parent attitudes on mumsnet why.

“Everyone’s needs are being met” says the poster who declared that she’d stand by and watch her step child go into care if both his natural parents died and there was no one else to look after him.

Yea, you're being unreasonable...

Your son is 3 months old. This holiday isn't for him; it is for you and your hubby and potentially your step daughter. I say potentially, because I don't know the intent of your trip.

If your trip is to bond with your hubby, then you're making a big fuss over nothing and need to grow up. If the trip is to bond as a family, then you're making a big fuss because you think your hubby should value the child you have together over his first born. In that case, I don't think the ToS will allow me to describe how immature you're acting.

"Everyone’s needs are being met” says the poster who declared that she’d stand by and watch her step child go into care if both his natural parents died and there was no one else to look after him.

You again? That's a totally different thread. Nobody needs me to adopt DSS, that is not a need that is being unmet.

But they are NOT unaware and they are NOT perfectly happy. The other thread was about how miserable children are, and it’s very clear from some step parent attitudes on mumsnet why.

In my case, they are. Quite possibly in many other cases. I was responding to a poster who was speaking about step families generally.

Yeh but you categorically declared that if it were a need you’d consider it none of your concern. I think that says it all about the sincerity of your concern for / interest in your stepson’s needs.

Yeh but you categorically declared that if it were a need you’d consider it none of your concern. I think that says it all about the sincerity of your concern for / interest in your stepson’s needs.

And it is relevant here in what way? I said everyone's needs are being met, not every need all of us could ever have would be met unquestionably. All current needs are met, nobody is unhappy.

And you can think that all you want, I wasn't alone or in the minority on that thread.

My point was that since your clearly ultimately have no interest in/ concern for your step son’s needs , it’s pretty arrogant / brazen of you to speak for them and their needs. It’s not credible to claim you know and understand people’s needs when you have made it clear you take no responsibility for them.

Ps you were in the minority - I believe the vote was 67-33 you were just a loud minority.

My point was that since your clearly ultimately have no interest in/ concern for your step son’s needs , it’s pretty arrogant / brazen of you to speak for them and their needs. It’s not credible to claim you know and understand people’s needs when you have made it clear you take no responsibility for them.

I reject your notion that not being willing to adopt a child constitutes having no interest in their step son's needs at all, and I wouldn't be the only one to do so. The two things are at totally different ends of the spectrum.

To be fair, a large number of people on that thread were really horrified by that statement. It does reveal your perspective quite emphatically.

@Tandora is right to say that you are, by your own account, not interested in your stepson's needs or feelings. Which is quite important context here.

To be fair, a large number of people on that thread were really horrified by that statement. It does reveal your perspective quite emphatically.

You and Tandora were very much of an ilk on that thread. A lot of people were horrified by your statements too, and said the same as me. It's not on to carry the discussion into another thread and act like I was the only one to make that statement and everyone there was horrified by me.

Tandora is right to say that you are, by your own account, not interested in your stepson's needs or feelings. Which is quite important context here

No they aren't. This is your (and their) interpretation, not my own account. I will concede that I'm not so focused on my DSS's needs that I would adopt him and raise him as my own. But that is not the same thing as being uninterested in his needs or feelings entirely. I will not stand for you misrepresenting my words to suit your bias.

FGS. Why do women who feel this way decide to marry or be involved with men who’ve already got kids?

I’m neither a first or second wife, I just despair of how many women seem to sleepwalk into marriages and then start trying to play kiddie top trumps.

Not being funny but could you discuss the other thread on the other thread or at least link it? It's hard to follow otherwise.

If you're not a first or second wife, (or even a third I'm assuming) Then you won't understand the nuances and routes a relationship can take to lead to this scenario. It's complex.

@fitzwilliamdarcy
Given that it sounds as though you have little experience of the situation, I think it best you pipe down and stop criticising women