Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Agreed.

I do care about my DSS's wellbeing. I do pay attention to his feelings on things and would notice if he was upset. I do not need to be willing to adopt him to prove that point.

I really struggle to understand this debate. Surely the ultimate answer is to ensure ALL children feel love and heard. For some it will be to go to all holidays, for others it won't.

The problem is the secrecy and lies. My kids were really hurt when their dad who had never taken them in holiday went with his new partner and her children to a fun holiday in Cyprus. He lied to them and told them he was going for work and that was after they heard him talk about it. They were not jealous and probably would have understood better if he has been honest about it.

I've been to a fun holiday with one of my kid without the other. That's because THEY decided they didn't want to go. They were 16 at the time and wanted to be with their friends. I have also been in holiday with them without the other going somewhere they were not interested. We also plan trips all together.

The point is nothing was secret, nothing was decided without discussing it with them and taking their wish into account.

Going away without a SC when SC isn't bothered is absolutely fine. Going knowing they would have love to come and trying to keep secret from them (it never works, they always find out at some point) just built upset abd resentment, all feelings that makes for very poor relationships.

Yeah that's a bit of a leap to say if you won't adopt someone you don't care

@vivainsomnia
i don’t think OP wanted to keep it a secret and there’s nothing to suggest DSD will feel unloved. This is adults projecting their feelings onto a child.

My DP suggested we go away during term time with our DC before they start school, only a couple of days in the UK. His reasoning was that we won’t have chance once school starts and DSC go on very swish holidays with mum several times a year. DSC were told when they queried it that they holiday with mum a lot when DC don’t get to and they were fine.

DSC cannot be treated equally to DC if only one household is on board and, obviously, DM isn’t going to not holiday with her DC (DSC) because her ex has younger children.

The whole sentiment is bizarre.

@thegrain
I care for my friends toddler, probably wouldn’t leap to adopt him. Sorry.

I’m really not twisting anything . That’s exactly what was said. Anyways , no point debating the matter as the old thread is up and free to read. Will leave it there.

My family is blended. It’s not always easy. The children always come first x

I do care about my DSS's wellbeing

I’m glad to hear.

Do you think you are close enough to him to declare what all his needs are and if they are being sufficiently met?

Do you think you are close enough to him to declare what all his needs are and if they are being sufficiently met?

To complete your analogy - yes I am close enough to my DSS to know he is not upset about holidays or aware we have been away without him. HTH.

If he did find out, do you think he might be hurt? What feelings do you think it might evoke in him?

i don’t think OP wanted to keep it a secret and there’s nothing to suggest DSD will feel unloved. This is adults projecting their feelings onto a child
That's projection too though as we don't know. However, if they had asked the 8 year old and they had responded that they really didn't mind and their actions confirmed it, why even starting the thread?

His reasoning was that we won’t have chance once school starts and DSC go on very swish holidays with mum several times a year. DSC were told when they queried it that they holiday with mum a lot when DC don’t get to and they were fine
Now this is me projecting but that was exactly my ex attitude. He saw it that because I took them on very nice holidays, they would understand. What he failed to comprehend is that it was the holiday itself they missed, it was sharing the experience with their dad. They too said they were fine because they knew that's the response he was expecting. They told me very differently.
Again, it would gave gone down much better if he had approached them first before they heard about it from elsewhere.

@aSofaNearYou, a genuine non judgemental question. How will 5ou deal with the situation when your DS is old enough to talk about it and your SS finds out?

Is it the stage when you won't holiday without him and only plan what you can afford with him, or will you tell him before that it is what it is? What if he says he wants to go too?

The trips we've been on have been during term time before my DD started school to take advantage of the affordability.

She's starting school this year so yes, it will naturally stop at that point.

So your DD is old enough to talk about the holiday she's been to your SS. How did you ensure he didn't get to know about it?

If he did find out, do you think he might be hurt? What feelings do you think it might evoke in him?

Possibly, yes - although most of the trips we have been on have been with my parents who he doesn't know very well, so I think this would make it make more sense to him given past responses to things.

But he doesn't find out. In all the time I've known him, he's never once been observant about anything other people do when he isn't around. I don't think it's that unusual for parents to live comfortably with truths they don't reveal to their kids, so they don't need to be upset. For instance, my DD doesn't know that we all breath a sigh of relief when she goes to bed so we can have some time to ourselves. She doesn't need to know or feel sad about that, and I don't need to feel guilty about it.

A lot of things go over DSS's head, he has ADHD and doesn't listen to people much. But in all honesty she's just never spoken that eloquently about it. She's never said "we've been on holiday", she might say "we saw ducks" or "we went to a sweet shop", but none of these things would point to it being a holiday.

Meanwhile, DSS actually does talk to DD about it a lot when he's been on holiday with his mum. He's currently bragging a lot about their plan to go to Disney World 🤷‍♀️

I think we do need to remember that not all kids feel the same about this situation.

As a kid, I would have been upset if my dad had gone on holiday with my sister (half) without me. I couldn't have cared less about the actual destination but I would have felt robbed of a special event with my dad, when he was more relaxed, had more time to give us, sharing done fun and memorable adventures. Thankfully, my dad would never have agreed to it. My SM did take my sister to some places and except for one event I really wanted to go too to, it never bothered me. Even then, it was envy and not jealousy.

Other kids though are genuinely not as bothered. Some don't have as strong bonds with their dad. Some are more interested in the actual holiday then who they are with. Some would lick going on a school trip long before a holiday with their family.

All that matters is to include all the children in the conversation before it actually takes place. Or I during they never find out about it, which is more difficult.

Maybe he has worked it out and mentions his coming trip in return. Maybe he really doesn't have a clue. Only those close to him would know, not strangers on the internet.

I doubt it, we haven't been anywhere in over a year and there's just never been any conversations where it seems like he's picked up on anything. I think he's just excited. It's the same as him talking at length to DD about the fun things we do with just him once DD has gone to bed - he just has no concept that he's making other kids jealous. He's just excited about it.

I agree with your post though - it will depend heavily on the kid. I just disagree with the mentality people often have on here that the kid will always know and they will always be upset about it. I think kids are very different.

Tbh the "kids are very perceptive" thing stated as fact is always something that makes me raise my eyebrows a bit. My DSS is not perceptive at all, he isn't very attentive or socially aware. I accept that other kids might be, but he just isn't.

The reality is that he has two children, not just 1 , so he should always include both kids
most of your reasoning is centred on you just not wanting her to be there,

your holiday plans should be affordable for everyone and include everyone,
give up the fantasy of having your husband to yourself, your child together is not his main child, it’s his second child
if that means waiting until your husband has saved up enough money to take his daughter then you should just wait

you have no problem paying for your husband as well…
if he can’t afford to contribute then maybe you should all stay home

Yes of course, Sofa has a poorer understanding of her own family dynamic than you, a stranger, do.

How have I not owned it? Given that I’ve repeatedly stated that? Yes, if the father wants a partner willing to take on his children as her own then it’s up to him to not start a relationship with someone who thinks differently.

My ‘fundamentalist’ position is that people are free to decide for themselves, what works best for themselves and their own family units. It’s not for me to tell anyone how their families should operate.

When u get involved with someone who already has kids, then of course u need to include them.

I’ve been the sc and saw my mum and half sister go away with my sd, I don’t think I really thought much about it there were some holidays I went on and some I didn’t. Same for meals out etc . Never went away with my dad after they split I don’t know if he went away TBH he did after he met my sm when I was 15ish and I never went never got invited but it never bothered me.

Now I’m a mum and stepmum we have a mix of holidays all together, just us no kids, one holiday with just ‘our’ ds when he was still free to take. I wanted a quiet break before returning to work, we just told the other kids including my own ds that they were in school and we were doing a big family holiday the next summer.

Due to current v stressful work situation I needed a break so dh booked for us, our ds and my ds (taking a couple of days out of school) he didn’t ask his ex about his kids because he knew what the answer would be and it doesn’t affect contact anyway.

We also have hen/stag dos abroad booked (4nights each) Our next holiday after that is our honeymoon just taking our ds and then after that a massive holiday to Mexico for everyone. We might squeeze a uk break in somewhere.

So we have a mix and everyone seems pretty happy about it so far.

It depends how it’s handled, a lot of people are acting as though DSC will be made to sit a flick through the holiday album on their return.

We behave the same at home when DSD as when she’s not. We have trips out without her, etc but we don’t call to tell her we’re going or tell her all about it when we return. If she says “where was I” then we say she was having a nice time with mum and family. I’m not going to hold off doing things with my kids to accommodate DSD all the time, it’s not real life and it’s sends the wrong message to all the children involved.

OTOH, DSD regularly FaceTimes from days out with mum, holidays, treats, etc and DC have to sit back and take it. They do it very well and realise that DSD situation is different. It’s amazing a 3yo can grasp what a lot of adults on here can’t.

FWIW, we’re a family whether DSD is here or not. Life shouldn’t revolve around one person and their feelings.