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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 22:08

The mistake was sending the video - that was cruel. going without you was not cruel. He did have another family, and because your parents divorced you weren’t a central part of it. Dick move to illustrate that to child in the way they did, but not for it to be the case.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/04/2023 08:00

This desire to co-opt a step mother into all the obligations and responsibility of the bio parents is ridiculous. See how far she gets trying to maintain contact with her step kids once she and their father have split up. There's been some very sad stories of step mums on here who adore their young step kids but will never see them again post split with the father. So please be realistic about the relationship. (Ofc it can work the other way round with step dads too.)

The 8 yr old's own father and bio mum are the problem here, not the OP. Dad doesn't have enough funds to pay for his family, mum has the funds but is still carrying out a war of attrition against her ex by insisting he takes her daughter on any holiday he has with OP. The pair of them are both grim and both failing their daughter. (Why the fuck even make her aware there was a holiday being discussed that didn't include her other than for purely manipulative purposes?) They need to stop making others responsible for their respective short-comings as parents.

It's not enough for either of these two twats that OP has been historically incredibly generous with funding MANY breaks for her DP and the DSD, but that she must now be villified as a wicked SM for wanting a holiday without her DSD for many very sound reasons, not least of which are limited mat leave savings (did her DP even contribute to these?) and having had PND! Yes, she wants a holiday alone with her baby whilst he is still small enough, yes she would like her DP there too. It is a very small ask in the grand scheme of things and will only be an issue for the 8 yr old if the parents make it one.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/04/2023 08:06

PinkPanther27 · 08/04/2023 23:24

When my parents divorced my Dad remarried and had another child. They took them to Disney world but I wasn't invited and they sent me the video of what was there for me to watch. I got the message loud and clear- I've got a new family now and you're not part of it. Don't do this to her.

I had a very similar experience and had to accept that my dad was a dickhead. It had nothing to do with my SM.

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 08:34

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/04/2023 08:00

This desire to co-opt a step mother into all the obligations and responsibility of the bio parents is ridiculous. See how far she gets trying to maintain contact with her step kids once she and their father have split up. There's been some very sad stories of step mums on here who adore their young step kids but will never see them again post split with the father. So please be realistic about the relationship. (Ofc it can work the other way round with step dads too.)

The 8 yr old's own father and bio mum are the problem here, not the OP. Dad doesn't have enough funds to pay for his family, mum has the funds but is still carrying out a war of attrition against her ex by insisting he takes her daughter on any holiday he has with OP. The pair of them are both grim and both failing their daughter. (Why the fuck even make her aware there was a holiday being discussed that didn't include her other than for purely manipulative purposes?) They need to stop making others responsible for their respective short-comings as parents.

It's not enough for either of these two twats that OP has been historically incredibly generous with funding MANY breaks for her DP and the DSD, but that she must now be villified as a wicked SM for wanting a holiday without her DSD for many very sound reasons, not least of which are limited mat leave savings (did her DP even contribute to these?) and having had PND! Yes, she wants a holiday alone with her baby whilst he is still small enough, yes she would like her DP there too. It is a very small ask in the grand scheme of things and will only be an issue for the 8 yr old if the parents make it one.

Completely agree.

The OP is naive about the twat she is with, but will learn the hard way.

She is being controlled and bullied by him and his ex and it generally only gets worse.

She will be harangued into paying for his child to the detriment of her own child, and will have the early years of her childs life spoiled.

He lured her in with lies, but no doubt there will be more.

At least she is not married to him, but he'll probably push for that to tie her more to him.

These losers are all the same.

It will take a while for the penny to really drop, but it will eventually.

Liorae · 10/04/2023 15:14

kirinm · 09/04/2023 11:14

Tell her husband? If her husband wants to take his two children, OP isn't going to be able to 'tell him' anything. Since when do partners get to dictate things to each other?

That won't be happening as he can't afford to pay for himself, let alone his daughter.

PaigeMatthews · 11/04/2023 08:10

Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 22:08

The mistake was sending the video - that was cruel. going without you was not cruel. He did have another family, and because your parents divorced you weren’t a central part of it. Dick move to illustrate that to child in the way they did, but not for it to be the case.

That’s an appalling view. It honestly is truly appalling.

the daughter he cast aside didnt stop being his daughter. She was still his family. He chose to stop treating her like his daughter. Sending the video was cruel and disgusting. Not taking her was also cruel.

Jimboscott0115 · 11/04/2023 08:41

Conceptually I don't think either of you are wrong - he has two children he loves and doesn't want to feel like he's picking one over the other, but you have one child you want to focus your energies on.

Where he is wrong is expecting your joint funds to pay for your step daughter, that's his responsibility and he needs to manage that and not spend your money (unless you were fine with it of course) on taking her away.

Even taking away the money, if you did this holiday as a 3 and then your partner taking a week or SO's leave to go away with his daughter, would you be ok with that? Feels like something he should explore.

I see both positions, and there's no easy answer - if you want a holiday, you should go, the decision is whether the step daughter is a deal breaker and if so, you're willing to go without your partner because that's an option. Neither would be in the wrong in this situation but it's not tenable long term, some sort of compromise will be needed on both sides down the line if you're ever to enjoy holidays in future.

Astorminateacup · 11/04/2023 11:51

PinkPanther27 · 08/04/2023 23:24

When my parents divorced my Dad remarried and had another child. They took them to Disney world but I wasn't invited and they sent me the video of what was there for me to watch. I got the message loud and clear- I've got a new family now and you're not part of it. Don't do this to her.

Another person projecting their own shitty life on others. Where has Op hinted she will take a video of the said holiday and send it to the step daughter?

Katey1980 · 11/04/2023 14:51

I get you think it’s appalling - but unfortunately when parents separate and remarry the children are not primary relatives of the new partner. They are now adjacent family.

Angeredpluto · 17/04/2023 16:59

It's an infant. They won't remember this time. Going on holiday with them is for you. If you want to go it's all or nothing. I grew up in the step child position. Let me tell you if you act like this that child will resent you no doubt. You can't just exclude a kid because you decided to have another. It's disrespectful and selfish. Do what you want but that's just my thoughts from having been in that situation. I have zero contact with my step mom anymore because of stuff like this towards her actual child.

londonrach · 17/04/2023 17:03

Yabu to exclude your SD. She's part of your family and your dad sibling. Re the holiday with baby...it's your holiday not for your DD. Re the savings....dp should pay for his dd.

Astorminateacup · 17/04/2023 20:04

londonrach · 17/04/2023 17:03

Yabu to exclude your SD. She's part of your family and your dad sibling. Re the holiday with baby...it's your holiday not for your DD. Re the savings....dp should pay for his dd.

Her dad sibling???
And of course it's OPs holiday! And she wants to spend it with her baby relaxing.

Astorminateacup · 17/04/2023 20:05

Angeredpluto · 17/04/2023 16:59

It's an infant. They won't remember this time. Going on holiday with them is for you. If you want to go it's all or nothing. I grew up in the step child position. Let me tell you if you act like this that child will resent you no doubt. You can't just exclude a kid because you decided to have another. It's disrespectful and selfish. Do what you want but that's just my thoughts from having been in that situation. I have zero contact with my step mom anymore because of stuff like this towards her actual child.

Another person projecting themselves onto OP.
Stuff like that- DSD is included everything except this one single blooming holiday.

Flamingogirl08 · 17/04/2023 20:08

We would never go on holiday without DSD, we're a family of 4. Would be bizarre to leave her out

holaschicas · 18/04/2023 00:01

@Flamingogirl08
do you not do anything fun without yor dsc then….are your dc not allowed to go to the park or anywhere the times DSC aren’t with you?

My parents took my brother on holiday without me when I was 13yo and he was 10yo. My parents did a lot with me due to my hobby and wanted to treat my brother to do something just for him. I didn’t mind then and I don’t mind now. DSD can have it made up to her with a holiday with mum.

Jadeasaf · 18/04/2023 04:08

You come across as selfish in your approach to this matter. It's important to remember that your stepdaughter is also a part of your partner's family, and as a stepparent, it's important to prioritize her as you do your own. From the moment you accepted him as husband, you had a kid. You now have TWO.

I understand that you may have financial constraints, so in that regard the husband should help with the vacation expenses also. However, it's also important to remember that being a stepparent means taking on a role of care and responsibility towards your stepchild as well. This includes considering her emotional well-being and ensuring that she feels included and valued as part of the family. She is already away from her father daily. So I see once it's vacation and the other child is involved, she should be there too. If it's you and husband alone, then she can be excluded.

I don't see you showing empathy and kindness towards your stepchild from what you wrote. You need to reconsider your approach and find a solution that allows to include her. I wonder how you'd feel if someday your "ONE AND ONLY" had to be treated that way.

OnTheBrize · 18/04/2023 05:32

YABU. I feel bad for DSD for having a stepmom that clearly sees her as baggage. The fact that treating her as a part-time family member to be included only when feeling convenienced by the addition doesn't come off as unreasonable to begin with is truly astounding. You made the conscious choice to get with someone who had a DC and create a blended family. Excluding a member of that blended family because you deem your DS to be more important, special, and more deserving (of something he won't remember in any capacity) is, frankly, selfish and rather cruel. I understand you prioritising your baby, but at the expense of others is a bit much. Both kids are equal to DP, as they should be, and not a "main" and "secondary" child as you seem to be pushing to make them out to be. DP should want to include both his kids in family events, like going on holiday. You also seem to be taking out a lot on an 8-year-old who isn't at fault for her parents splitting up and having to bounce between two homes. I don't have SC, but I would never fathom treating them differently than my own if I did.

Take some time for yourself and your baby by all means - it sounds like you need it. That said, it is possible to do it in a way that will not cause a lot of hurt to a literal child you are supposed to also care about (i.e. he or he and her mom pay for her to go, go to a resort with a children's room/care options so you can get that down time and still include her, etc.). Excluding her will make her feel replaced, especially given the recent big life change, and very well might damage your relationship with her and potentially that with her DF. Invalidating your DP as being the father of two children by guilting him into prioritising your biological child is also unreasonable, but he is at least an adult who can process the situation fully and deal with it on his own.

TheKnower99 · 18/04/2023 07:12

Sorry, this might not be what you want to hear, but you're being unreasonable. If you wanted to not have a step daughter to worry about, you shouldn't have married a man and have a kid with one who has another child. Neglect at early ages like this can have DETRIMENTAL effects, and it's all for the petty reasons of 500-700 euros and wanting to spend time with your baby, who you clearly seem to consider more important. Children with divorced parents need to know they belong in both homes, so please stop trying to put your husband between you and your daughter for the sake of your 'brand new' child.

Bottom line, unreasonable. Asking this kind of questions says something your character, and I hope that girls father realizes this sooner than later.

Flamingogirl08 · 18/04/2023 08:35

holaschicas · 18/04/2023 00:01

@Flamingogirl08
do you not do anything fun without yor dsc then….are your dc not allowed to go to the park or anywhere the times DSC aren’t with you?

My parents took my brother on holiday without me when I was 13yo and he was 10yo. My parents did a lot with me due to my hobby and wanted to treat my brother to do something just for him. I didn’t mind then and I don’t mind now. DSD can have it made up to her with a holiday with mum.

Yes because going the park is the same as a holiday isn't it?

If that's the way your family was then fine. Certainly in my family there's no way my parents would have taken one sibling on holiday and left the others. There's also no way I would do it.

Liorae · 18/04/2023 08:45

TheKnower99 · 18/04/2023 07:12

Sorry, this might not be what you want to hear, but you're being unreasonable. If you wanted to not have a step daughter to worry about, you shouldn't have married a man and have a kid with one who has another child. Neglect at early ages like this can have DETRIMENTAL effects, and it's all for the petty reasons of 500-700 euros and wanting to spend time with your baby, who you clearly seem to consider more important. Children with divorced parents need to know they belong in both homes, so please stop trying to put your husband between you and your daughter for the sake of your 'brand new' child.

Bottom line, unreasonable. Asking this kind of questions says something your character, and I hope that girls father realizes this sooner than later.

Shouldn't sooner have been before he decided to have a child with the OP? He seems to have a history of having children without thinking things through. But blame OP, rather than the man.

TheRealShatParp · 18/04/2023 09:17

Liorae · 18/04/2023 08:45

Shouldn't sooner have been before he decided to have a child with the OP? He seems to have a history of having children without thinking things through. But blame OP, rather than the man.

what makes you think that @TheKnower99 is blaming the OP over her partner? This thread isn’t about who is to blame for everything, it’s about whether we think she’s unreasonable to not want to take her step daughter on holiday. I agree that the OP is being unreasonable. That poor step daughter is being side lined. I suspect that if money wasn’t an issue then she would still not want her step daughter there. That’s what I get from the tone of the OP.

Liorae · 18/04/2023 09:20

TheRealShatParp · 18/04/2023 09:17

what makes you think that @TheKnower99 is blaming the OP over her partner? This thread isn’t about who is to blame for everything, it’s about whether we think she’s unreasonable to not want to take her step daughter on holiday. I agree that the OP is being unreasonable. That poor step daughter is being side lined. I suspect that if money wasn’t an issue then she would still not want her step daughter there. That’s what I get from the tone of the OP.

I suppose we all see things through the filter of our own experience or of those we know.

Danny12345678 · 18/04/2023 11:32

So the stepchild should just be left out? You say you don't want to deal with the stress of a bored step child but it is extremely stressful to travel with an infant. Are the bills split evenly and husband is unable to save or do you make more money than him? I am assuming that all bills are split evenly and you are better at saving money. Since he is unable to save then he should stay behind with step child, you should no be expected to pay for stepchild. Unless he pays the majority of the household costs allowing you to be able to save money. Imagine growing up and being left out of your dad's family holidays.

Yousee · 18/04/2023 11:38

Angeredpluto · 17/04/2023 16:59

It's an infant. They won't remember this time. Going on holiday with them is for you. If you want to go it's all or nothing. I grew up in the step child position. Let me tell you if you act like this that child will resent you no doubt. You can't just exclude a kid because you decided to have another. It's disrespectful and selfish. Do what you want but that's just my thoughts from having been in that situation. I have zero contact with my step mom anymore because of stuff like this towards her actual child.

Just as easy to say "baby won't remember, going on holiday is for you not them, so why would DSD need to be included on a relaxing adult holiday that a baby just happens to be on too?"
If OP was going to an all singing all dancing water parks and kids clubs extravaganza of a holiday and wanting to leave DSD out, that would be crap. But she wants to go on a holiday that would be of no interest to DSD or else would become exactly what OP doesn't need right now and she might as well just not bother.
DSD doesn't even need to know it's happening. The baby's not going to tell.

Yousee · 18/04/2023 11:43

Flamingogirl08 · 18/04/2023 08:35

Yes because going the park is the same as a holiday isn't it?

If that's the way your family was then fine. Certainly in my family there's no way my parents would have taken one sibling on holiday and left the others. There's also no way I would do it.

It's a relatively notorious example on this board but one OP was told she could go to the park with her child but under no circumstances have a go on the pedal boats or get ice cream there as her DSC, AKA The Most Important Children were not present and it would not be fair on them.

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