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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
Astorminateacup · 08/04/2023 19:02

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 14:25

OP. Truth be told I think your entire post is horrible. Your partner has got two children, one that's been around for 8 years, alot longer than you've probably been in a relationship, a daughter that will always need him in her life. To try and push his daughter out with the my savings malarkey is just an excuse for you simply saying "I've now got a baby and I'm not including anyone else in our plans"... you sound like my ex wife and that ended up in a toxic mess.

Me and my partner are expecting our baby in June, I've got two kids to my ex wife, we are going on holiday next year all of us. My partner knows when to step in and when to not and my kids love her and she loves them... I'm telling you now as a man my kids would never be pushed out of anything, they'll need me until the day I die and beyond. Kids rely on us as parents. Imagine if something God forbid happened to you and you were in a position where your child got pushed aside. The problem clearly is lying with being selfish for your family circle. Hate me all you want for this but it screams toxicity, you literally remind me of my ex wife haha.

She was all for family this and that, post baby no one was allowed to come round u less it was on her terms, time constraints for my parents etc, only her family included in stuff. I'm not saying your that bad, but that little 8 year old girl is someone's daughter, your partners, if he bows down to you and doesn't challenge this then I'm sorry but if he's willing to let his daughter down cause he's stepping on egg shells around his misses, then that speaks volumes.

Your post has wounde me up me tbh. Literally horrible. Kids first, always.

Truth be told, YOUR post is horrible. Please do not project your own toxic situation on other people's lives, as your situation has nothing to do with OPs situation. And stop playing armchair psychologist, it's very clear you yourself lack any empathy and are bullying people to have everything your way, your poor new partner.
OP is talking about ONE holiday. ONE. There is no evidence she is exclusing the girl from anything else, says in posts she is included everything. Can I say one more time, ONE holiday, just so it sinks in.

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2023 19:29

I'm not the one that's the catch. I just make it clear that my children come first.

I’m sure she knows this without you banging on about it though. What exactly do you do to make it clear to her?

Does she have any children from a previous relationship? Or any children with you?

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2023 19:36

Me and my partner are expecting our baby in June

Ah, there we are.

So by June you won’t be Mr Number 1 one person in her life anymore. I hope she makes that clear to you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/04/2023 21:22

@Alkemist

”I'm telling you now as a man “

ooh! ooh! Stop everybody and listen to what the man has to tell us!!

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 22:18

Your definitely single.

Tandora · 08/04/2023 22:27

GrandmaWins · 08/04/2023 15:00

I didn't live with my mother, my siblings did.

I lived with my gran and granpa. Gran and granpa would take me on holidays without my siblings - they were better off and I went on far more activities and holidays than my siblings did. I remember the first time my younger siblings ever got to go abroad, I didn't go. They went on holidays without me. Why would I give a fuck? I had my own holidays without them too?

Show quote history

yeh Your situation is not remotely comparable to the one OP is describing.

HomeTheatreSystem · 08/04/2023 22:36

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 22:18

Your definitely single.

Please get a vasectomy. You shouldn't be breeding.

GrandmaWins · 08/04/2023 22:58

Tandora · 08/04/2023 22:27

yeh Your situation is not remotely comparable to the one OP is describing.

Show quote history

My siblings were taken away on holiday by a parent I wasn't resident with without me. I still visited my mum. It's not that dissimilar. My mother would have been allowed to take me as I stayed at her house EOW and holidays etc. How is daddy taking his new kids on holiday but leaving DD behind any different to a mum only taking the resident kids on holiday?

PinkPanther27 · 08/04/2023 23:24

When my parents divorced my Dad remarried and had another child. They took them to Disney world but I wasn't invited and they sent me the video of what was there for me to watch. I got the message loud and clear- I've got a new family now and you're not part of it. Don't do this to her.

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2023 23:43

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 22:18

Your definitely single.

If this is aimed at me, yes I am 🙂. And very happy to be too at this point in my life.

Yousee · 09/04/2023 00:02

PinkPanther27 · 08/04/2023 23:24

When my parents divorced my Dad remarried and had another child. They took them to Disney world but I wasn't invited and they sent me the video of what was there for me to watch. I got the message loud and clear- I've got a new family now and you're not part of it. Don't do this to her.

Just as well your experience bears precisely zero resemblance to what OP would like to do.

Yousee · 09/04/2023 00:04

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2023 23:43

If this is aimed at me, yes I am 🙂. And very happy to be too at this point in my life.

Show quote history

I don't think the likes of him could ever imagine a woman being happy on her own rather than putting up with him and his shite.

whumpthereitis · 09/04/2023 01:32

Alkemist · 08/04/2023 22:18

Your definitely single.

*you’re

Not sure how being single is somehow a fate worse than the one your partner has signed up to endure.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/04/2023 07:16

PinkPanther27 · 08/04/2023 23:24

When my parents divorced my Dad remarried and had another child. They took them to Disney world but I wasn't invited and they sent me the video of what was there for me to watch. I got the message loud and clear- I've got a new family now and you're not part of it. Don't do this to her.

That’s not what OP is doing

Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 09:03

I also have a 3 month old baby and an almost 8 yo stepchild. I think it’s totally normal to want to spend quality time with your own child and partner without your stepchild there. Yes, this may not be the stepchild’s ideal scenario, but ultimately you are not her mother and therefore your responsibility is to your own child and immediate family first. IMO it is perfectly fine to tell your husband that this holiday is just the three of you, stepchild can come on a different holiday when he can pay. The reason this is going to upset your stepchild is because your husband went ahead and included her against your wishes. If you are going to stepparent without resentment you need to be upfront about your own needs and balance putting yourself first sometimes with putting stepchild first most of the time. I think first holiday with a new baby is one of the times you can put yourself first.

kirinm · 09/04/2023 11:14

Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 09:03

I also have a 3 month old baby and an almost 8 yo stepchild. I think it’s totally normal to want to spend quality time with your own child and partner without your stepchild there. Yes, this may not be the stepchild’s ideal scenario, but ultimately you are not her mother and therefore your responsibility is to your own child and immediate family first. IMO it is perfectly fine to tell your husband that this holiday is just the three of you, stepchild can come on a different holiday when he can pay. The reason this is going to upset your stepchild is because your husband went ahead and included her against your wishes. If you are going to stepparent without resentment you need to be upfront about your own needs and balance putting yourself first sometimes with putting stepchild first most of the time. I think first holiday with a new baby is one of the times you can put yourself first.

Tell her husband? If her husband wants to take his two children, OP isn't going to be able to 'tell him' anything. Since when do partners get to dictate things to each other?

whumpthereitis · 09/04/2023 11:53

kirinm · 09/04/2023 11:14

Tell her husband? If her husband wants to take his two children, OP isn't going to be able to 'tell him' anything. Since when do partners get to dictate things to each other?

Show quote history

When OP is the one paying for it. And when he’s already agreed to the holiday OP wants.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 09/04/2023 14:37

whumpthereitis · 09/04/2023 11:53

When OP is the one paying for it. And when he’s already agreed to the holiday OP wants.

Show quote history

if this was a husband being this controlling with the family budget we would all be screaming it’s abuse ! Sorry but unless they keep all finances apart then that’s unfair .

funinthesun19 · 09/04/2023 14:57

Yousee · 09/04/2023 00:04

I don't think the likes of him could ever imagine a woman being happy on her own rather than putting up with him and his shite.

Show quote history

Some men just think they’re so desirable and irresistible. And they also think all women are desperate to be in relationships, hence why they try to upset and ridicule women for being single. Some women are very happy to remain single and they’re just not interested in complicating their lives by involving a man in it. Especially a man with kids!

Yousee · 09/04/2023 15:50

Tell her husband? If her husband wants to take his two children, OP isn't going to be able to 'tell him' anything. Since when do partners get to dictate things to each other

Apparently since he's decided to tell OP (via his child) that she's not allowed a peaceful holiday without his child to entertain?
I'd be telling him I'd rather not holiday than go on one that was the opposite of what I needed.

holaschicas · 09/04/2023 16:00

@kirinm
if partners don’t get to dictate then why is DH allowed to dictate DSC is coming to OP….double standards because he has child from a previous relations. I don’t think so.

whumpthereitis · 09/04/2023 17:42

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 09/04/2023 14:37

if this was a husband being this controlling with the family budget we would all be screaming it’s abuse ! Sorry but unless they keep all finances apart then that’s unfair .

Show quote history

It’s not the ‘family budget’, it’s her budget. They’re not married, but even if they were she wouldn’t be the one responsible for paying for his child. I would say exactly the same if OP were a man.

She’s offering to spend her money on a holiday, so yeah, she gets to dictate the terms.

Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 22:00

Yes there are times when you have to tell your partner where your boundary is. He went ahead and made a unilateral
decision to tell his daughter she was included in a holiday when they had decided in a previous discussion that this was not the case. It’s therefore in my view ok for her to say, ‘We agreed together that stepchild is not coming on our summer holiday. I don’t understand why you are telling her she is, as far as I am concerned this is a break for the three of us.’ If he complains, she can say ‘ I’m not willing to pay for stepchild and don’t want her there as it’s special time for us as a new family.’ I know there are people on here who will say ‘stepchild is family’ - and that’s true. However, imo stepchildren are family much like in-laws are family. There are appropriate occasions to include them, and there are times where you want to do things without them. Your relationship with a stepchild is dependant on moving parts and facilitated by your relationship with their bio parent (perhaps it will evolve to a more organic thing, but this is by no means guaranteed). Perhaps this makes me a terrible person, however, you cannot simply pretend to be a nuclear in-tact family when you aren’t one. Children need honesty and reality modelled to them, or it is confusing. Step parents rarely view their stepchildren as ‘equal’ to their children. In much the same way, stepchildren rarely view their stepparents as ‘equal’ to their bio parents. Unfortunately, breakups are often shit for children involved in them, and each new family dynamic has to evolve around the shared needs and wishes of the new participants. Right now a new mother needs a break with her immediate family - if her partner doesn’t understand that, he is maybe not a great partner.

Katey1980 · 09/04/2023 22:06

Nevermind31 · 04/04/2023 21:27

I think the problem lies in you have one child, and think this is your husband’s main child. He has two, and they are equal. So he might always want to go on holiday with both his children.

It’s not a case of ‘main’ child. It’s a case that he has one parenting duo with OP, and one with his ex. OP does not have to pretend she is the parent of a stepchild - she has to be polite and welcoming to the child and her responsibility ends there. As he can’t take the daughter on vacations with his ex, it’s reasonable for the OP to accommodate the girl on some family holidays, while also wanting some time to be a focussed parenting duo with her partner - their new baby deserves that.

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