Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Leaving aside the financial issue, which I think is a smokescreen, really, I think that's the nub of the matter what the step-parent will sign up for.

From her posts it appears until OP produced this man's second child she played the role of generous/bountiful stepmother to his first child.

She appears now to be attempting to change the 'rules' in which she's decided his first child should accept a secondary role in his life now that she's produced his second child. She's attempting to set an ongoing narrative where she, he and his second child are a nuclear family with whom the first child can only join in on a 'grace and favour' basis.

No person, man or woman, worth their salt would accept that for their child.

I imagine OP and her partner are now aware of the national press having taken this up and he's had a rude awakening at the OPs genuine feelings towards his first-born.

That's my reading of the situation based on what the OP has written.

She's attempting to set an ongoing narrative where she, he and his second child are a nuclear family with whom the first child can only join in on a 'grace and favour' basis
She's attempting to get one last break which can be about her and her DP relaxing rather than being all about kids activities. Her DSD will be missing out on nothing that would be meant for her otherwise.
The first child no longer belongs to a nuclear family, that is gone now. No point in pretending. She's not with either parent all the time and both parents will be doing stuff without her when she's not there.

No, don’t think I need to be either.

My point is that it isn’t OP’s responsibility to treat her partner’s daughter as her own and/or finance her. If her father wanted that, it was (is) up to him to not start a relationship with someone that wasn’t going to offer that.

@B0711 I haven't commented on this thread but it's just come up on my news feed that it's in the Daily Record

You say delicate in your reply and then say I'm bullying people into thinking what I think? I don't understand how is layman's terms your saying both situations are fine when handled delicately.... there is no delicacy in saying "I basically don't your daughter involved in what we do?" LOL.. do you not see what my point is. Trust me there will be times when me and my partner go away at varying times and times when my children also come along... but it seems to me like OP, and truth be told yourself are basically the type who are like 'not my kid so I'll treat them as a stranger' which I personally disagree with, guarantee in the fluffy stages of a relationship if you'd of said that, men wouldn't have even bothered. Behave with the bullying aswell, using victimisation words for an opinion that your also having.. its boring.

Right, but I guarantee you now, that attitude, if you'd of said that literally what you said to me in dating stages with anyone, no relationship would form.

We're not talking OP financing everything to so with her partners kids FFS 🤣🤣 we are talking about his 8 year old daughter being involved in a holiday, wow.

I think the issue is all her reasons are muddled together / obscuring each other.

If she were just doing it because of kids' age difference (adult only holiday, with a baby) that's fine. But she herself says this wouldn't be the case if both were siblings.

Her primary reason seems to be that she wants a cosy family set up without the non blood daughter: "this is also my special year with my baby"... "If I had two children, grown in my womb, that I was the primary parent, no I wouldn’t leave one child at home, however that is not this scenario."

I do get that she'll be including the step child on other holidays, but – unless it's handled very sensitively like "oh gosh it's just bad timing, what a coincidence you'll be at school or at your mum's place and can't come along" – the message is extremely clear that the girl doesn't belong and is not valued/loved as much as her dad's new child.

I do appreciate it's a complicated scenario, and I understand OP's desires for just her "real"/blood family. The other girl does have her other family (assuming she's treated as the real child and not just "step" child like in this family) but this sets a precedent where she'll always be inferior to her dad's other child I suppose.

The other reason why I don't think it's just about a break, and about wanting a "real" family set up, is because OP has ignored lots of suggestions to take her mother or a friend or etc.

I’m not sure why ‘no relationship would form’ is supposed to be an issue. Tbh it wouldn’t have been something I’d have needed to say, as I wasn’t interested in dating fathers.

That said, plenty of women that do, do make it clear, and if that doesn’t work for single fathers then they’re more than welcome to not continue a relationship. Still not seeing why that’s supposed to be a problem though.

No, she’s not required to finance everything, and nor is she required to finance a holiday, or indeed anything relating to his child.

My words were different, but AMEN, OP is just clear that now she has a baby that the step daughter isn't truly valued and the needs of her child will always come first and its a horrible position for a dad to be in. All a man's children are equal. It's not about the financing of things and where money has come from and what not... you literally said it best.

my partner has accepted my children from previous relationship as pretty much her own

You mean you managed to find a woman who will raise your children for you and do all the work.

Handled delicately as in not rubbing their noses into anything that might upset them - they're not there all the time so don't always need to know what happens while they are away.

I didn't say your post was bullying, I said many people would be up for a relationship with someone with kids but not one where they are expected to never go away without the SC and to view them exactly as their own, and if you're not alright with that, then you need to avoid getting into that relationship, rather than attempt to bully them into conforming to YOUR expectations.

No I don't see your point, because it's emotive nonsense. OP is not saying any of the things you're saying. She's saying she wants one trip away without her, not that she wants to treat her like a stranger.

And believe me, if you'd revealed YOUR attitude during the dating phase - jumping to such extreme negative conclusions if I ever wanted to do a small something without your kid - it would not have gone very far. What makes you think you're the one that's the catch?

Yeah actually you said it right. Haha no a woman who understands my children come before any relationship. The minute I'd feel like I have to choose between my children in that situation. It's a no go.

Just reread OP's posts – I don't think the fact that this girl is included in their UK holidays are redeeming? The special expensive/big holidays abroad are reserved for the "real" child, and the stepchild only gets to tag along on holidays within the UK. Looks like OP wants to continue this pattern in future too as she's spoken to her DH about the future.

Again, I think this is definitely down to birth "status" rather than age difference: "my special year with my baby"... "If I had two children, grown in my womb, that I was the primary parent, no I wouldn’t leave one child at home, however that is not this scenario."

I've never got the whole "you can only love someone blood related to you" thing, and I wouldn't have the heart to make a child feel unwanted and inferior next to their sibling. That said, I do understand there are people who can't help feeling that way (about only fully loving a child related by blood). I guess it's genuinely down to the dad whether he's okay with this, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I'm not the one that's the catch. I just make it clear that my children come first. Seems a lot of men out there probably say something of lines of that at first but when they have a baby with their current partner they start bowing down to her basically excluding the previous children out the family circle or feeling like they have to explain and the woman says basically no... come on mate, not just aimed at OP now, me and you both know that is a common thing that happens in relationships! We've all seen it. No hate towards you we dont know each other. In summary I don't think it's about the money or the holiday I just think it's a case of the new baby in the current relationship will always get prioritised over previous children, which is all I disagree with... hope you have a good weekend.

No, THIS expensive holiday is reserved for OP, her DP and the baby, for practical reasons. She's said lots of times that the SD has already been taken on other expensive holidays and will be in future. She made one comment questioning what would happen if they hypothetically could not afford to take both, and loads saying that in reality they will. You are choosing to only focus on the first comment because it suits your narrative.

As for not getting only loving blood relatives, of course you can love people you aren't related to. OP has explicitly said she loves her multiple times. But if you really think it's likely you'll love a child you see EOW as much as you love your own children, you're deluded.

Agreed it's the father's responsibility to ensure his new partner is willing to treat his daughter as he would like.

However, tbf, he most probably thought OP was that sort of partner i.e. based on her previous behaviour of inclusion, of being accepting of his daughter's place in his life i.e. his first-born child whom he loves just as much as he (no doubt) loves the child she has produced.

She appears to have played, very well, the part of 'inclusive stepmother' until she produced his second child. It's she who is changing the dynamic now and, from her posts, is setting the narrative going forward i.e. their joint priority must be their joint offspring even if it means his daughter misses out.

At least the Dad appears to appreicate what a crucial time this is for his first-born in terms of where she stands with him.

The more I re-read the OPs posts, the more conniving she appears in terms of how she's presented herself to her partner.

Most people have limited annual leave and want to spend that with their own families.
Her mum might prefer to go with her dad.
Many of her friends are probably not in a position to ditch their responsibilities to go away for a week. I look round my own friends the answers I'd get are no sorry can't leave kids / cats / horses / dogs / elderly mum / DH

Seriously what is wrong with them having one holiday together?

I’m not seeing anything that suggests that.

She isn’t treating his daughter unkindly, but her relationship with her will be different to the one she has with her own biological child. That is entirely normal, and I’m not seeing anything from OP that says that she was treating his child as she would her own child, or that she’d given her partner the impression that she was, or would.

I'm glad I'm married to a real man with the emotional intelligence to see that everyone in our family needs and deserves to be the priority sometimes, not just his daughter with his ex.
Sometimes even I get to be the priority! Even though I'm just a woman and a step mother. Sometimes my sons are priority, even though they are only the second, third and fourth people to spring from his loins! Sometimes DSD, even though she's only the child of an ex girlfriend, not even a wife! Pass the smelling salts!
It's not about status, it's about relationships.

Off the top of my head .... paying for him/her to go on holiday last year (with OPs family because she was too heavily pregnant or something) .... that's something one would do for one's own child, no?

I do accept there will probably be times in the future where the practicalities dictate against his daughter joining them on holiday - clashing dates, school terms, the daughter wanting to do something else.

However, the very fact the OP is demanding a nuclear family holiday as the first proper holiday after she produced the partner's second child indicates to me she no empathy or compassion as to how is daughter will feel about that.

So far as I can see, she's played a part (inclusive stepmother) and he's (naturally) been delighted with how his daughter has been treated. Now she's taken of the mask, and it's up to him how he reacts.

So far as I can see, she's played a part (inclusive stepmother) and he's (naturally) been delighted with how his daughter has been treated. Now she's taken of the mask, and it's up to him how he reacts
She's not taken off a mask, she's asked for something for herself. Does a person have to endlessly give and compromise on every single thing to be considered a genuinely good person? That's very depressing.

I’ve paid for a friend’s kid to go on holiday, so no, I don’t think that’s exclusively the behaviour of someone taking on a motherly role.

It’s funny how OP’s act of kindness on one occasion is now being used as a stick to beat her with because she’s unwilling to extend the same every time.

This is OP’s first child. If her partner genuinely thought this wouldn’t result in a new dynamic then he’s an idiot, tbh, and that isn’t OP’s fault either.

OP wants one holiday with her partner and child. One holiday that she is going to be paying for. it’s hardly cruelty, and nor is it evidence that she’s nefariously playing the long game to oust his daughter.

That’s a classic though. Even when something is very clearly 100% the responsibility of the man involved, rest assured they’ll be some captain-save-a-dickhead ready to blame a mean woman that tricked him.