Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

THIS!!

I honestly don’t see how ANYONE could argue with this

They already have 3 holidays booked with SD including Butlins
Do they? That doesn't make sense when OP says she is cross her OaH os talking about booking a joint holiday in the summer if they already have 3 trips planned, especially when she says they don't have much money abd she'd have to pay it back.

Some posters assumed OP means a teip with babu oy as a one off, but then OP asks about what happens in the future if they can't afford to take both child.

This really is the issue. As a one off, during school time, going on a break that the 8yo wouldn't care much fir is really not an issue.

Arranging an annual holiday with the youngest only abroad because they can't afford a nice holiday with both, not ok.

I get the feeling that Op doesn't consider a UK holiday as a "proper holiday"
And I think she'd have got very different replies if she hadn't drip fed the info about the other holidays.

But she did adopt the child when she got with a man who had kids, maybe not legally, but emotionally, thats how it works, or how it should anyway.

If it was as simple as that being how it "should" work, don't you think it would be legal? It isn't because it doesn't work that way. Someone that helps look after a child with two involved parents EOW is NOT adopting that child, nor would they be likely to be welcome to by either the child or their actual parents. Seeing my DSS EOW does NOT make me a parent to him like his mum is, and equally qualified to make important life decisions for him like what school he goes to.

My eldest son is not my ex husbands but has always been treated exactly the same as his biological children by both him and all his family. If they hadn't then I would have walked away, love me, love my kids is how it should be for any parent.

I'm guessing you are the resident parent so your ex husband was living with him full time? Not being funny, but it is constantly underestimated on here that it is TOTALLY different when the contact with the child is only occasional. A friendly relationship is enough.

@Sugarfree23

”i get the feeling that Op doesn't consider a UK holiday as a "proper holiday"

why?

That’s not how that works either, and DEFINITELY not legally. Whether you choose to accept it or not, she is not OP’s daughter. There’s no ‘should’ when it comes to what relationship OP should have with the child, there’s only what works for the parties involved.

And exactly. You, the one responsible for your child, had a relationship with someone that shared your views on the matter. It was, and is, the fathers responsibility to find someone that agreed with taking on his child as their own if it was important to him. Apparently it wasn’t important to him, but that still doesn’t put the onus on OP to be more responsible for his child than he is.

I didn't realise but aparantly there are people who aren't step parents that deliberately come here to have a go at stepparent.s

Let's see how many minutes your awful, I'll informed comment lasts for before it inevitably gets deleted...

I didn't realise but aparantly there are people who aren't step parents that deliberately come here to have a go at stepparent.s

Yep, happens all the time. Tbf I don't think everyone that does it is deliberately seeking out step parenting threads, they just pop up on active and an awful lot of people without experience of the situation just do not understand the reality of it and something about it gets their back up.

But she did adopt the child when she got with a man who had kids, maybe not legally, but emotionally, thats how it works, or how it should anyway.

Gosh how suffocating. Especially if the child already has a a living breathing mum.

@Calsopsie1985 wow. Disgusting human. Really? I don't pay for my DSC to go on holiday with us. Not my responsibility. They have 2 parents that can sort it. My priority is my child.
I hope you get your anger into some kind of perspective.

I think she would have mentioned the various UK holidays in her first post and told the DSD that yes she was coming on holiday with them as usual.

I think it's clear that the interloper from the Mirror has more baggage than Heathrow despite what s/he says about their childhood, so we can safely disregard that ridiculous rant.

But she did adopt the child when she got with a man who had kids, maybe not legally, but emotionally, thats how it works, or how it should anyway
My children are special to me and DSDs Mum is special to her. Why do people keep going on as if this is wrong or bad?

@Calsopsie1985

I saw this on a news article and only joined to comment as it actually disgusted me.

You wrote all that yet your post will be deleted before OP probably even sees it 😂

I can see why your dad no longer talks to you.

@CatA27

dont be ridiculous
you don’t adopt a child by virtue of getting into a relationship with one of their parents!
for a start I think their other parent may have an issue with that!!

OP. Truth be told I think your entire post is horrible. Your partner has got two children, one that's been around for 8 years, alot longer than you've probably been in a relationship, a daughter that will always need him in her life. To try and push his daughter out with the my savings malarkey is just an excuse for you simply saying "I've now got a baby and I'm not including anyone else in our plans"... you sound like my ex wife and that ended up in a toxic mess.

Me and my partner are expecting our baby in June, I've got two kids to my ex wife, we are going on holiday next year all of us. My partner knows when to step in and when to not and my kids love her and she loves them... I'm telling you now as a man my kids would never be pushed out of anything, they'll need me until the day I die and beyond. Kids rely on us as parents. Imagine if something God forbid happened to you and you were in a position where your child got pushed aside. The problem clearly is lying with being selfish for your family circle. Hate me all you want for this but it screams toxicity, you literally remind me of my ex wife haha.

She was all for family this and that, post baby no one was allowed to come round u less it was on her terms, time constraints for my parents etc, only her family included in stuff. I'm not saying your that bad, but that little 8 year old girl is someone's daughter, your partners, if he bows down to you and doesn't challenge this then I'm sorry but if he's willing to let his daughter down cause he's stepping on egg shells around his misses, then that speaks volumes.

Your post has wounde me up me tbh. Literally horrible. Kids first, always.

@Alkemist

I'm telling you now as a man

Can you read as a man and see that OP says DSD will come on all future holidays?

What is about OP wanting a term time holiday with her baby in her maternity leave that winds you up?

@Alkemist
what’s being a man got to do with anything 😂

I, as someone with curly blonde hair, am wound up by your response

If it’s so important to you ‘aS a MaN’, then it’s your responsibility to not start a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to take on your kids as their own. It’s also your responsibility to pay for your kids, and not expect your partner to do it.

You mad? I started a relationship and my partner has accepted my children from previous relationship as pretty much her own, so what your on about there I'll never know. Yeah and I also never said my partner pays for my kids either so again don't know what your talking about there haha! I pay my way for children and tbh for my partner too, we do things equally most of the time but everytime I'm taking the kids out etc and she's coming, I'll pay for her too.

I didn't live with my mother, my siblings did.

I lived with my gran and granpa. Gran and granpa would take me on holidays without my siblings - they were better off and I went on far more activities and holidays than my siblings did. I remember the first time my younger siblings ever got to go abroad, I didn't go. They went on holidays without me. Why would I give a fuck? I had my own holidays without them too?

It's not that complicated. Some people will be up for treating kids they see EOW "like their own" and never doing anything without them, others won't. Handled delicately, neither are wrong. If you want the former then it falls to you to find somebody who is up for that, not try to bully everyone that isn't into it.