Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Couldn’t you book a nice long weekend with the daughter so you have a holiday booked and she feels included and go away during term time for a baby holiday?

The child isn't responsible for the parents splitting up, in any divorce child welfare must be the priority of all responsible adults involved and you are INVOLVED. Sadly you cannot avoid that truth you have a chance to either positively or negatively effect a innocent little child. If you did not want such a responsibility you should not have got involved with a man who has existing children. Imagine how you'd feel in the child's place her world has been turned upside down and the message you are sending is that you are no longer important or welcome in the new family of the father. Money can always be replaced breaking a small child's heart is not an economic decision.

They already have 3 holidays booked with SD including Butlins. To me this is a ridiculous thread. OP obviously takes SD away on loads of holidays, more holidays than most kids tbh, plus SD also goes away with her mum.

Totally ridiculous that anyone would say she can't have ONE holiday EVER away with her small baby on maternity leave, to relax and take advantage of the rare time off/baby free flight

I don’t have anything to add on the question you have asked but I’ve read some of your responses and wanted to say you aren’t on your own, parenting is really tough in the early months and to want a break is fine (although a holiday on your own with a baby won’t really be a holiday, just parenting in another place). It might also unsettle your baby more too, being somewhere new. If you aren’t breastfeeding, could your partner have the baby for a few days and you go away on your own, have some relaxing time to yourself?
I saw you mention colic too - that’s a symptom, rather than a thing. Could be all sorts, eg digestive system related. And a lot of babies (mine was) are really unsettled in those early weeks/months because they just want to be right next to you. Totally normal, good baby behaviour. Keep your baby close (carriers are good for this so you can still get out and about) co sleep if you can (but follow safe 7) the sleep is WAY better! And don’t worry about doing too much at the moment, in a year or so your child will be so different.
Sorry if that wasn’t helpful but just wanted you to know you aren’t on your own!

We are faced with a raft of entitled adults at the moment, unwilling to go into a place of work (god forbid) full-time, having been totally indulged by their parents.

My kids are not brought up to be the centre of everything. We go away together, alone, one child is currently away with dad skiing as the other had just been on a school trip and I don’t believe in spoiling. Both are fine. They miss each other, it’s lovely, and my husband and I get quality time with one kid.

We have had loads of things planned and cancelled for various reasons and my kids never make a fuss, as I’ve brought them up to be well rounded. They get so much but never expect anything. This is deliberate.

A step-child is a child of someone else. DC only has two parents, why does DSC get four? This is a road to an entitled, spoilt brat IMO. People fall out, get divorced, that’s life. So long as everyone stays in their life and all is loving and fair, then DSC should not be everyone’s priority - that’s ridiculous. The rest of her life will be a massive let down if the world of three/four people is centred around her and she can’t ever not have something DC has got, even though she will by default have so much more than him.

We need to stop making kids feel like they run our lives. Eventually they leave home and we are grateful for phone calls!

I heard recently of a 25 yo asking her parents (in early 60’s, not retired) if she could have her INHERITANCE now, in all seriousness. This is a normal couple with a house and modest savings.

This stuff is only going to get worse!

How awful.
You choose to settle with someone who already has a child and now you have your own child you want to exclude the step child. It's horrible.
If you wanted 'special time' with just your baby and dh then you should have chose someone with no kids.
It's not his poor child's fault. She already has a separated mum and dad and now you want to leave her out. Your dh has 2 kids now!
I don't really think it's about the money. Because in the start of your post you say you WANT to go away just you 3.
It's plain nasty.

@LBFseBrom
Noted, I’ll make sure I tell my children to marry someone uncomplicated and whose lifestyle is easy rather than someone they actually like….bore off, you’re obvs not even a SM so why are you even here?!

Condescending and clueless.

@Wowwe
please see above.

NO ONE IS EXCLUDING. STOP PROJECTING.

Sorry, but I think YABVU.

I’m leaving the thread. A lot of you need to give your heads a wobble and read up on a bit of child psychology, etc before giving ‘advice’.

I can’t deal with y’all today.

F*cking nuts.

Did your mother take one of your siblings and leave you? Otherwise it’s not comparable/ relevant

When you are with someone who already has a child/children then you take on those children aswell so they become your family, your children. To exclude her from a holiday because "entertaining an 8 year old doesn't sound relaxing" is going to end up causing resentment not only in your marriage but also in any relationship you may have with said 8 year old.

Ironic that you would talk about resentment forming in a marriage whilst saying a step parent must go as far as pretending their SC are their actual children. Now THAT will cause resentment.

Step families are not traditional nuclear families. You cannot just childishly demand everyone pretend it is to suit your sensibilities. The SC will probably never see the woman they see EOW as their mum, and the same will be true in reverse. Yes, they will be family to each other, but they will not be their child.

When you knowingly choose to get into a relationship with someone that isn't your child's other parent, you need to accept that you are seeking out something more complex than a nuclear family with your child's other parent. You need to be prepared for the fact that your child is not their child, and whilst they are required to be kind and welcoming while your child is there, YOU need to be prepared to accept them enjoying, requiring, and perhaps preferring time without them. You need to be prepared to make compromises. A savvy parent would recognise when their partner's wants and needs don't actually conflict with their child's wants and needs (such as an adult focused trip away paid for by her that DSD never needs to even know about) and prioritise making THOSE compromises, to ensure everyone is happy.

A stupid one says "no, you are with me so you must feel like my child is yours, or I will resent YOU"

I think look at it the other way round. If the 8 year old was your child, you had a baby with new partner and he wants to take you and baby away while your 8 year old child goes to her dad's, wouldn't you feel a bit guilty?
I did get OP's pov a bit until she said something along the lines of 'she's not my daughter, I didn't carry her in my stomach' I'm sorry, but if you take on a man with a child then she is your daughter and you have to consider her in everything you do.

Not only are you being unreasonable, you're being selfish and immature - grow up! You chose to have a relationship with someone who already had a child - news flash children are not commodities you pick and choose when you can be bothered with them. Imagine your child being treated the same way. Your step child should be treated the same way as your own, no less; your family includes your stepchild. Perhaps you should have thought more carefully about entering into a relationship with someone with a family if you weren't mature enough to deal with it like an adult.

I know this is a bit of a sexist generalisation, but while women sometimes to do it, it's usually men who treat their own children badly and favour the step sibling, usually due to pressure from their new wives. I think good on your DH for not following that pattern!

Treat their biological children from a past marriage badly, I meant

I think that this thread is so messed up because it's full of people who have no experience of step parenting.

It's all very well to say 'you married a man with a daughter, she is your daughter now, you must treat her exactly the same as your child, you must open your heart and love her like your own'.

This is a very naive perspective.

Step parents are continually reminded that they are NOT the parent of the stepchild. That they must NOT overstep, as they are not the parent. But at the same time, they must centre their stepchild in their life, fund them, put them first to the determent of their own children. A life of thankless servitude, basically! Where the children of the second family are effectively secondary. Everything must be about the fist, primary children. They were here first so they are the real children!? Ex was the first mother so she is the real mother!?

Step parenting issues are often actually very much not about your ability to open your heart. In my experience they are very often about very boring practicalities, compromises and logistics.

If you bring your stepchild up in a loving family where she is a valued family member, she won't be traumatized by missing out on one holiday ever.

@DoingUp agreed, this thread is getting really annoying now. It's full of people that do not understand step families, especially one's where the children are not resident. There's no point arguing back against every single one of them, they are just naive and do not get it.

I just read about this on the mirror.

I literally never post here but OP your situation sounds so similar to mine that I had to offer you some support. I have one baby, a three month old, and my husband has an 8 year old from a previous relationship. I feel the exact same about this year’s hols - what I need from it is a break from cleaning house, making meals etc and a good lounge around and a massage and some adult conversation. It’s not about ‘making memories’ or anything the 8 year old would miss out on, it’s a convenient time to get away with baby when she’s so small and I don’t fancy going to some sticky family apartment or play park that an older child would enjoy. I imagine I’ll be doing plenty of that in future. I’d actually prefer to avoid places full of toddlers and older kids while baby is so young as they’re so vulnerable til vaccinated, etc. I am also the higher earner in terms of paying. However, I totally understand an older child having a feeling of missing out and I know it’s a time of change when she might be looking at her dad and the new baby and having feelings about where she fits in. So, while I’m sure plenty wouldn’t agree with this, we have simply not mentioned our plans. I firmly believe what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her and kids need rested, engaged parents more than they need to be dragged along to every occasion for propriety. We won’t stick holiday pics on social media, there’s no need, and we’ll simply have a quiet trip ourselves. Might be something to consider.

That’s not how that works. Given that OP neither birthed her nor adopted her, she’s not OP’s daughter.

the father is the one responsible for his child. If he wanted a relationship with someone that took on his child as her own, the onus was entirely on him to do so.

So, while I’m sure plenty wouldn’t agree with this, we have simply not mentioned our plans. I firmly believe what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her and kids need rested, engaged parents more than they need to be dragged along to every occasion for propriety. We won’t stick holiday pics on social media, there’s no need, and we’ll simply have a quiet trip ourselves. Might be something to consider.

The obvious solution - good on you!

Think the Mirror have picked up your AIBU!!!

But she did adopt the child when she got with a man who had kids, maybe not legally, but emotionally, thats how it works, or how it should anyway.
My eldest son is not my ex husbands but has always been treated exactly the same as his biological children by both him and all his family. If they hadn't then I would have walked away, love me, love my kids is how it should be for any parent.

But she did adopt the child when she got with a man who had kids, maybe not legally, but emotionally, thats how it works, or how it should anyway.

Hahahahahaha