Page 25 | Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:14

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

You are literally the reason my ex husband and I separating terrified me. People like you should not be allowed in a child’s life. You will make them feel second rate, unimportant and worthless just for your own selfish reasons. If you can’t afford a holiday for 4, don’t have a child. Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 21:18

You are literally the reason my ex husband and I separating terrified me. People like you should not be allowed in a child’s life. You will make them feel second rate, unimportant and worthless just for your own selfish reasons. If you can’t afford a holiday for 4, don’t have a child. Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

Jesus Christ 😂

Sugarfree23 · 07/04/2023 21:19

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:14

You are literally the reason my ex husband and I separating terrified me. People like you should not be allowed in a child’s life. You will make them feel second rate, unimportant and worthless just for your own selfish reasons. If you can’t afford a holiday for 4, don’t have a child. Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

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Read the Ops posts, her stepdaughter is going on multiple holidays with Op and Dad plus holidays with her mum.

It's not the only holiday Op is having.

Yousee · 07/04/2023 21:19

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:14

You are literally the reason my ex husband and I separating terrified me. People like you should not be allowed in a child’s life. You will make them feel second rate, unimportant and worthless just for your own selfish reasons. If you can’t afford a holiday for 4, don’t have a child. Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

Show quote history

Maybe people like you should not have made babies with people they weren't capable of maintaining a relationship with?
See how that logic works? Nasty, isn't it?

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:26

But she can’t bear the thought, or the price of taking his child away? No. Not for me. Selfish and not in the spirit of blended families. If she wanted that, she should have found a man with no children.

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:28

Adults can fall out of love. That’s what happens when you can recognise and regulate emotions. That should never ever affect the children. If it does then you need to check yourself as an adult.

The kids need to be the priority. All of the children. Not just those in favour.

OP asked for opinions…that’s mine.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 21:28

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:26

But she can’t bear the thought, or the price of taking his child away? No. Not for me. Selfish and not in the spirit of blended families. If she wanted that, she should have found a man with no children.

She obviously can, because she's taken her before and plans to take her on future trips. She just wants a particular type of trip this one time. You sound absolutely ridiculous.

cato40 · 07/04/2023 21:35

Should have thought of this before having a baby with someone who already had a child. Poor girl!

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:37

I’ve read the original post. If this family away, they take all the kids IMO. If they can’t afford it, they go for a cheaper holiday which they can take them all.
it has to be one of the perks for the poor child whose parents couldn’t maintain their relationship that they benefit from 2 of anything. NEVER EVER should they miss out due to the feelings/ insecurities/ emotional ineptness of the adults.
if she didn’t want a step child, she could have found a man without a child. End of.

CatA27 · 07/04/2023 21:59

Omg, have not read all the posts but I can't believe how nasty lots of these posts are. That poor little girl 😞 My parents divorced and my dad went on to remarry, they made the decision to only have 1 child as they couldn't afford more than 3 children (my half sister, me and my brother) I would have been devestated if my dad had gone on holiday with a new family without me and my brother. Thankfully he married a woman who knew that if you marry a man with children he comes as a package, you dont want that then find a man without children. You are screwing up a child who had no fault in the situation and whether her mother takes her on holiday or not she should be a full part of your family. I feel so sad for that little girl and any other step children of lots of posters on here 😢

Yousee · 07/04/2023 22:13

What will she be missing out on? An adults holiday that the baby will just happen to be on too. Not every single thing has to be all about every single child every single time. Way to build resentment and make sure nobody's needs are me.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 22:13

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:37

I’ve read the original post. If this family away, they take all the kids IMO. If they can’t afford it, they go for a cheaper holiday which they can take them all.
it has to be one of the perks for the poor child whose parents couldn’t maintain their relationship that they benefit from 2 of anything. NEVER EVER should they miss out due to the feelings/ insecurities/ emotional ineptness of the adults.
if she didn’t want a step child, she could have found a man without a child. End of.

No, it doesn't HAVE to be a perk that they get two of ANYTHING, at whatever cost to everybody else. Yes, broadly, they'll get 2 of most things. But the parents and step parents involved can still make decisions like that they need a trip away that isn't focused on a child. This is more likely when one of the adults involved is a first time parent, experiencing the fatigue for the first time, and isn't the step child's parent so would feel more drained by their presence. These are adult considerations people in adult relationships need to make, and can (in the right circumstances), be accommodated without it costing the child anything they would otherwise have had or need to know about.

You've said yourself you do not have experience of being in a step family and understanding what it takes to make it work. It's showing.

whumpthereitis · 07/04/2023 22:25

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:26

But she can’t bear the thought, or the price of taking his child away? No. Not for me. Selfish and not in the spirit of blended families. If she wanted that, she should have found a man with no children.

Just as well she doesn’t need your approval then, isn’t it? It not being for you is not something she needs to care about. There is no one ‘spirit of blended families’, there is what works for the individuals involved.

and if he wanted a partner that took on his child as her own he should have found one. He is the one responsible for the child, after all.

holaschicas · 07/04/2023 23:10

I’ve just come back to this thread and it makes for a draining read.

The attitude on MN towards SM is infuriating. I’m not even sure where MN finds these posters, I’ve not met one person IRL with this sort of attitude towards DSC (not to my face anyway).

DoingUp · 07/04/2023 23:59

Just do it OP. I didn't take my daughters abroad as I felt guilty as I wouldn't have been able to afford to take us all abroad in school holidays. Meanwhile my SD went on so many holidays with her mum, the kind of holidays I would never afford even with no kids!

Looking back I think I was a total idiot, I should have taken mine away when they were small and I could have afforded to go on term time.

I actually think my SD would have been totally fine with it, as she understood she was going away all the time with her mum, so she probably would think it was nice for them to get to go away sometime too. Their upbringing would have been a bit more balanced that way. It was probably weird going away abroad all the time with mum and seeing her younger siblings not going anywhere.

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2023 00:15

Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

Wow how rude are you? That’s his living breathing child whether you like it or not.

Would you say the same about anyone else who has two children? It’s a very weird comment to make seeing as millions of people on the planet choose to have more than one child.

Ktime · 08/04/2023 00:36

MummyNumero11986 · 07/04/2023 21:14

You are literally the reason my ex husband and I separating terrified me. People like you should not be allowed in a child’s life. You will make them feel second rate, unimportant and worthless just for your own selfish reasons. If you can’t afford a holiday for 4, don’t have a child. Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

Show quote history

Your fella already has one, he doesn’t need another.

You sound like a Dolores Umbridge at China’s one child policy ministry.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 08/04/2023 01:12

CatA27 · 07/04/2023 21:59

Omg, have not read all the posts but I can't believe how nasty lots of these posts are. That poor little girl 😞 My parents divorced and my dad went on to remarry, they made the decision to only have 1 child as they couldn't afford more than 3 children (my half sister, me and my brother) I would have been devestated if my dad had gone on holiday with a new family without me and my brother. Thankfully he married a woman who knew that if you marry a man with children he comes as a package, you dont want that then find a man without children. You are screwing up a child who had no fault in the situation and whether her mother takes her on holiday or not she should be a full part of your family. I feel so sad for that little girl and any other step children of lots of posters on here 😢

So well said . We just booked our second holiday and although it costed is over double what would cost otherwise we included both my stepsons ( as we always do ) . I wouldn’t have it any other way . I will not make this boys ( and they are older teen young adults ) feel left out or put aside .
I hope I’m able to make them feel a part of our family as you described your experience .

Ktime · 08/04/2023 01:22

@Mumwomansisterdaughter are you also on maternity leave?

Yousee · 08/04/2023 05:26

This thread has reminded me that technically we did as OP wants to do.
DH booked us a long weekend in a caravan when DS was 3/4 months old. It wasn't our week with DSD so I'm not sure she even knows we went away.
It was lovely, very chilled out, long walks, pottering around, leisurely pub lunches (DS was the most easy going baby ever) and generally having a bit of a recharge after a hectic year. It was definitely not meant for tramping around play farms or adventure playgrounds or dealing with whinging that the tablet had run out of charge.
What did DSD miss out on? Not much, her weekends with her mum were always action packed so they were off doing what they wanted to do while DH and I were off doing what we wanted to do. Baffled as to why DH and I should not have done things when DSD wasn't with us which wouldn't really be for her or suit her anyway?
No such opportunities now as we have DSD all weekend and holidays and the chilled out baby DS is now much harder work as a 4 year old 😆

Mommabear1509 · 08/04/2023 07:02

I personally think you are being very selfish. So yes she has a mother and may well go on holidays with her however! When you are with someone who already has a child/children then you take on those children aswell so they become your family, your children. To exclude her from a holiday because "entertaining an 8 year old doesn't sound relaxing" is going to end up causing resentment not only in your marriage but also in any relationship you may have with said 8 year old.
Don't be in a relationship with someone who already has children if you can't treat them equal to your own, that 8 year old is innocent and didn't choose any of this, but you chose this relationship which includes her.

Astorminateacup · 08/04/2023 07:06

CatA27 · 07/04/2023 21:59

Omg, have not read all the posts but I can't believe how nasty lots of these posts are. That poor little girl 😞 My parents divorced and my dad went on to remarry, they made the decision to only have 1 child as they couldn't afford more than 3 children (my half sister, me and my brother) I would have been devestated if my dad had gone on holiday with a new family without me and my brother. Thankfully he married a woman who knew that if you marry a man with children he comes as a package, you dont want that then find a man without children. You are screwing up a child who had no fault in the situation and whether her mother takes her on holiday or not she should be a full part of your family. I feel so sad for that little girl and any other step children of lots of posters on here 😢

But the girl is included in literally everything and goes on separate holidays with her mother, would ONE holiday in your lifetime traumatise you so much, really? Very self-entitled. I love when people overuse words like screw up, 7 days at home having fun with her friends will not screw the girl up.

It's like, kids will ask a gazillion of expensive presents for Xmas, and then if they don't get them, is it f* them up to get a cheaper/different present? Of course not. Just like this one holidayin a lifetime will not either.

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 07:14

@Mumwomansisterdaughter
If you HAVE to take your DSC on holiday to make them feel part of the family, I feel sorry for them. There is more to being part of a family than holidaying, it doesn’t sound kike something to be proud of.

@Mommabear1509
We need bingo cards 😂
You don’t have to take on DSC or treat them as your own, they’re not your own. A lot of DSC would hate someone for trying to play mum when they’re not.

Stop treating DSC as victims and that their lives are something to be pitied. It’s extremely damaging.

holaschicas · 08/04/2023 07:16

@Astorminateacup
Not one person has mentioned DC in this….they witness DSC holidaying without them/going on double the amount of holidays/receiving more Christmas presents and no one gives a flying fig.

HYPOCRITES

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 07:42

Mommabear said (something like): 'Don't marry someone with children if you can't treat them as your own, the child is innocent in this....'

I agree 100%.

Never been in that situation and the more I read on here, the more glad I am. I never get why people do marry others who have dependent children when there are plenty of childless folk around.

However It does seem as though the op and her husband do take the little girl away quite a bit, and have a lot to do with her, it's just this one trip on their own that is currently desired. Presumably the girl goes away with her mother sometimes too.

The other thing is that the baby won't care about a holiday one way or the other. As long as he/she feels secure and happy with parents, won't care where the location is. The holiday will be more for the parents than the baby.

Why not compromise and have a long weekend by the sea?