Page 24 | Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 16:08

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 07/04/2023 15:57

Because she choose to be in a relationship with a man that earns less than her and share expenses . My partner earns 3x less than me so I pay more than him towards holidays and in daily expenses , we both have 2 kids each from a previous relationship and I would never dream of telling him they are not going because you earn less than me . That’s not what a relationship is about

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But that is your choice to make. By accepting a man/woman with kids, it does not mean you are accepting making every single decision with their ex. They separated and need to move on separately and amically. It's nto the case as the ex here wants OP's partner to show preference.

At any rate, it's not about exclusing the older child, but having separate time with them, they dont have to do everything together because they are not one family unit.

And if you earn plenty and happy to pay for your DP's kids, that's very cool, but here the problem is there is not enough money to pay for everyone so something's gotta give.

AllOfThemWitches · 07/04/2023 16:10

Ffs just go away and don't tell her. If he's not happy with that, leave him at home too.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 16:11

AllOfThemWitches · 07/04/2023 16:10

Ffs just go away and don't tell her. If he's not happy with that, leave him at home too.

The man she's chosen to fe her partner and father or her child?

Really?

AllOfThemWitches · 07/04/2023 16:12

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 16:11

The man she's chosen to fe her partner and father or her child?

Really?

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Yeah presumably they are capable of spending time without the other.

Holidaywwyd · 07/04/2023 16:14

Wtf is this thread? Some of the replies are hideous.

Personally I don't think you're being unreasonable OP

Loveyou3000 · 07/04/2023 16:15

YANBU. I didn't expect my ex and his girlfriend to take our child on holiday (when he was having her - reason why he isn't should be on another thread of mine for anyone that wants to moan).
I take my child on holidays myself. Frankly, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her going abroad without me and I wouldn't feel comfortable taking someone else's child abroad even if I was with their father.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 16:20

@AllOfThemWitches apologies, I thought you said leave him (as in permanently), rather than just for the holiday! 🤦‍♀️!

AllOfThemWitches · 07/04/2023 16:22

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 16:20

@AllOfThemWitches apologies, I thought you said leave him (as in permanently), rather than just for the holiday! 🤦‍♀️!

Ha I can see that! No, not quite a 'LTB' from me 😄

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 16:27

@AllOfThemWitches I blame the sunshine, got me all hot and unable to concentrate!

whumpthereitis · 07/04/2023 16:32

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 07/04/2023 15:57

Because she choose to be in a relationship with a man that earns less than her and share expenses . My partner earns 3x less than me so I pay more than him towards holidays and in daily expenses , we both have 2 kids each from a previous relationship and I would never dream of telling him they are not going because you earn less than me . That’s not what a relationship is about

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Yeah, that doesn’t mean she’s liable to pay for his child. That you have chosen to doesn’t mean that she has to make the same choice.

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 16:40

Mepop · 07/04/2023 13:19

Both children are your partner’s children. If he cannot afford to take both on holiday then he needs a cheaper holiday or no holiday option. It is unreasonable to favour the baby, who lets face it will not care if they are on holiday or not at this stage whereas the 8 year old probably would appreciate the time with her father.

OP is not favouring the baby, but herself, wanting a nice time without having to entertain a child who has a mother and goes on holiday with her.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/04/2023 17:02

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 07/04/2023 15:57

Because she choose to be in a relationship with a man that earns less than her and share expenses . My partner earns 3x less than me so I pay more than him towards holidays and in daily expenses , we both have 2 kids each from a previous relationship and I would never dream of telling him they are not going because you earn less than me . That’s not what a relationship is about

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Great, that’s your choice.

You don’t get to make that choice for anyone else.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:04

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 16:08

But that is your choice to make. By accepting a man/woman with kids, it does not mean you are accepting making every single decision with their ex. They separated and need to move on separately and amically. It's nto the case as the ex here wants OP's partner to show preference.

At any rate, it's not about exclusing the older child, but having separate time with them, they dont have to do everything together because they are not one family unit.

And if you earn plenty and happy to pay for your DP's kids, that's very cool, but here the problem is there is not enough money to pay for everyone so something's gotta give.

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@Mumwomansisterdaughter

exactly! Just cos you’re ok to do this doesn’t mean OP has to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:05

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 16:40

OP is not favouring the baby, but herself, wanting a nice time without having to entertain a child who has a mother and goes on holiday with her.

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@Mepop

yep!! And guess what?! Sometimes it’s perfectly fine for a woman (even - even a mother) to favour themselves!

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 17:12

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:05

@Mepop

yep!! And guess what?! Sometimes it’s perfectly fine for a woman (even - even a mother) to favour themselves!

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Exactly. Every once in a while I go out on my own, and my DP looks after kids. Sometimes I go out with one, and he has the other. Sometimes he goes out on his own. And we are one family. So it's even more normal for two separate families to do things separately as well, especially this is one in a lifetime occasion for OP to go with a baby that does not need being paid for.
The ex had such an opportunity herself in the past, but is now denying OP her chance.

chopc · 07/04/2023 17:19

I normally think if you start a relationship with a father you accept he comes as a package with his kids. I do understand what you are trying to say. However your husband has two children and you are expecting him to holiday with only one of them. End of

It doesn't matter that you don't have to pay for your baby. Your husband is a father of two. So has to treat both his children the same

And aged 8- the 8 year old will definitely know you and her father chose to go away without her

Mepop · 07/04/2023 17:26

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:05

@Mepop

yep!! And guess what?! Sometimes it’s perfectly fine for a woman (even - even a mother) to favour themselves!

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Not sure why you and others here feel the need to pick me out to attack. I never said it is not ok for a woman to favour themselves, but I would definitely say it is not okay for a parent to promise an 8 year old they would go on holiday as is the case with this posters partner then go on holiday with their new baby and new wife without them. The child will feel left out and as if the baby is being favoured over themselves.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:29

Mepop · 07/04/2023 17:26

Not sure why you and others here feel the need to pick me out to attack. I never said it is not ok for a woman to favour themselves, but I would definitely say it is not okay for a parent to promise an 8 year old they would go on holiday as is the case with this posters partner then go on holiday with their new baby and new wife without them. The child will feel left out and as if the baby is being favoured over themselves.

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@Mepop

i don’t see why the 8 year old even needs to know. Presumably they won’t be going on hol
for weeks and weeks.

TheSilentSister · 07/04/2023 17:36

I totally get why you want a holiday with your DH and newborn while you're off on maternity leave. It's your first and only child so of course you want it that way, it's not just about the extra costs. There's plenty of time in the future to include step-kids in your plans but not this time, no way. If your DH doesn't understand this then you are going to have an uphill battle on your hands going forward. He has to realise that these are special times for you. He's already been through this (first child, first b'day, holiday, xmas etc) with his ex and I assume there wasn't anyone else demanding that he do things he didn't want to do.
DH has to grow a backbone and learn how to negotiate these type of scenarios going forward. Maybe suggest you have your holiday and then in the school hols, he takes the kids camping, or whatever he can afford.

Mepop · 07/04/2023 17:45

The 8 year old already knows according to the poster. The Dad promised the 8 year old a holiday this summer. Sure if they can do 2 holidays and 1 where they manage to go without the 8 year old finding out and another with them this summer. But 8 year olds will remember being promised a holiday and not getting one.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/04/2023 17:55

The Dad promised the 8 year old a holiday this summer.

Which he has no means to pay for

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/04/2023 17:59

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/04/2023 17:55

The Dad promised the 8 year old a holiday this summer.

Which he has no means to pay for

Yeah exactly. Don’t promise if you can’t pay.

CM1897 · 07/04/2023 20:50

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

The little girl isn’t ‘her daughter,’ or ‘the daughter.’ She is THEIR daughter

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 20:58

Mepop · 07/04/2023 17:45

The 8 year old already knows according to the poster. The Dad promised the 8 year old a holiday this summer. Sure if they can do 2 holidays and 1 where they manage to go without the 8 year old finding out and another with them this summer. But 8 year olds will remember being promised a holiday and not getting one.

But this is life- sometimes we tell people things and they dont work out,plans change. The dad made a promise, he has no money to fulfill it,plans change, and kids also have to learn that. Dad can tell her that sadly this particular year he cannot afford to take her and that he will make it up another time. OP also has no money to pay for the girl, so this should be settled.
The ex and the dad are at fault, sadly the girl is just a casualty of the ex's games.

Astorminateacup · 07/04/2023 21:01

chopc · 07/04/2023 17:19

I normally think if you start a relationship with a father you accept he comes as a package with his kids. I do understand what you are trying to say. However your husband has two children and you are expecting him to holiday with only one of them. End of

It doesn't matter that you don't have to pay for your baby. Your husband is a father of two. So has to treat both his children the same

And aged 8- the 8 year old will definitely know you and her father chose to go away without her

The family is no longer one unit.I t's two units. They dont have to do everything together. The girl is going on holiday with her mum too. The dad can do things independently and spend time with the kids separately and together. Both kids deserve a one on one time with the dad as well (just like in non blended families parents do things with one kid at a time when appropriate).