Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

“The other child” is your child’s sibling and your DPs child who he loves as much as the child you have together, even though you (quite reasonably) don’t. You shouldn’t go on holiday without her.

Now you have a child and you are feeling strongly about how you want to spend time and money on him...can you see why your hubby might feel strongly about his daughter? just go on term time holidays alone with your son. realistically you have almost two years before you need to buy a seat on the plane for him.

OP, I do not believe you’re being unreasonable to want a one off holiday for just the three of you while your baby is immobile and sleeping a lot which you couldn’t do with an eight year old too. I would agree with the majority of these comments if you were intending to take a holiday without DSS every year, which you’re not.

Take a term time holiday to somewhere hot with plenty shade, over pack everything you think you can possibly need, and you, DH and baby relax and enjoy that one and only experience you’re likely to get for the next 18 years. Before you go, both you and DH sit down and explain to your DSS what’s happening and why before her mum gets a chance to plant emotions in her little mind. Remind your DSS that she does have holidays with her mum and assure her that there will be lots of day trips and family holidays with yourselves in the future when her little brother is walking and they can play on the beach and in the pool together etc. If she doesn’t react positively to the news let her pick a day out, Legoland, zoo cinema, beach, whatever. Just let her pick it, and all four of you or just her and DH, but make it all about her. Just try to get her to understand thats her compensation for the holiday she cannot be a part of as she will be at school and there will be no children’s entertainment IYKWIM. x

Why should OP be paying for someone else's child? Who has a Mum who should be taking her own daughter on holiday or pay for it.

@Astorminateacup why should the SD mum pay? Why did the DO have another baby if he can't afford to pay for the first one?

I think you are being very reasonable. Most people jumped on bandwagon with the "the daughter should eb included in 100%"- she doesnt really. She has a Mum and doe snot need to be included in everything you do. It's perfectly fine to have one holiday with your baby and partner.

You need to have a chat with DP sooner rather than later askign wher emoney for his DD will come from- will her Mum pay for you to take her away?
Maybe just go with your baby and you, and have the partner entertain the daughter on his own rather than planning with your money.

Because she wants the daughter away and seems to be pressurising her ex to take the daughter on holiday with them?

The swcond question should be for DP of OP, not me lol. At any rate, she CAN afford the baby and holiday, the DP clearly can not, but that is not the reason to pay for DSD holiday. If the step daughter goes on holiday with her Mum,s hould OP be asking the other woman to take her baby and pay for it just so they have equal holiday time?

Would you be happy for him to go on holiday with just dsd? And not your son?

He already did go on holiday with just his DD. And OP paid for it.

@Astorminateacup the DDs DM, is entitled to expect her DF to take her on holiday and pay for her. You're being ridiculous!

That makes total sense tbh. I can’t imagine my parents breaking up, my mother and/or father starting a new relationship and expecting me to see that person as a parent, and/or their children as my siblings. I also would be unimpressed as hell at being told that my parent/s didn’t differentiate between their stepchild and me, and that my status as their actual child changed dependent on their love life.

I’d have thrown the peace sign and fucked off away from it all tbh.

Both children are your partner’s children. If he cannot afford to take both on holiday then he needs a cheaper holiday or no holiday option. It is unreasonable to favour the baby, who lets face it will not care if they are on holiday or not at this stage whereas the 8 year old probably would appreciate the time with her father.

What's the age gap you're dealing with?

Because our kids are both ours we do swap over so it's not always DH with the big one and me with the LO but I imagine that is more difficult when it's self-kids they'll naturally want to be with their parent rather than step parent.

Read the Ops posted they have about 3 holidays booked and she's going away with mum.

Because our kids are both ours we do swap over so it's not always DH with the big one and me with the LO but I imagine that is more difficult when it's self-kids they'll naturally want to be with their parent rather than step parent.

Yes this is a problem - and one of the reasons why it's a good thing for the younger child to get to do some things when the SC isn't around, otherwise they never get that time with their dad, it's always about him going off with the SC.

Honestly, being able to properly utilise the time when the SC is at their other parent's can be so crucial to the success of a step family, it can ensure everybody's emotional needs are being met in a manner that has no impact on the SC as they're not there anyway. The constant restrictions people on here want to put on that are so detrimental.

Perfectly put.

Almost 9 years.
Last year DS special birthday day out was spent with me heavily pregnant and alone with him while DS and DSD disappeared off to do big kid stuff.
Somehow DSDs special birthday day out was spent just the two of them off doing big kid stuff together, too.
I'd like all the kids to get the same to be honest but I know exactly which posters will be along to tell me my kids don't need or deserve their dads focus even on their birthdays because I'm still married to him.

@Yousee I can't imagine trying to balance a 9 year gap.

So many are being so simplistic thinking 2 kids should both go on every holiday. But big age gaps are tough to manage and keep everyone happy.

But also she should not be expecting he will take the girl everywhere every time all time. That's just one of the things that happen when people split up. The DD is already included in loads of activities, but she also has to understand, as her Mum, she will be doing stuff with Dad sometimes and sometimes not, and sometimes she will do them with Mum instead.
OP's question was, whether she was unreasonable not to pay and not to want another child, not her own, on holiday once in her lifetime.It's not unreasonable, but it is unreasonable for the mother of the said girl to expect that the new partner will be taking over the mother duties- those are hers and hers alone.

@Astorminateacup I agreed with OP, but you on one hand are saying she's right and then saying the her DM should pay for her and then the OP should take her?

I don't agree with that, either the paying or the taking if paid for.

I said, if SDD'm mum is so hell bend on them holidaying all the time together (as she had been hinting this before), she should pay herself. Otherwise, not fair on OP to pay for her SDS holidays (which she can't afford, and it seems DP can't either). It seems the ex is already introducing unhealthy rivarly between the children and wants a bigger piece of cake for herself- which is unfair on everyone.

Ideally, the girl sits this one out as DP also needs some time to bond with his new baby. DP when in better place can go on holiday with the daughter on their own some other time.

You need this break. It sounds like your DPs ex is the one who has orchestrated this shit storm but it's nothing to do with her. You need to explain to your DSD that this is a holiday mainly for you because you haven't been well, you need to rest and daddy is there to help you. You'll have lovely holidays together again, just not this time round.

I know the whole step child thing is hard to negotiate but they still need to hear a "no" and perceive it as part of life rather than a personal rejection.

@Astorminateacup exactly! If the DF can't afford to the child she doesn't go, it's not up to the DM to pay and dictate.

For more than one reason!

OP you sound totally drained, have your holiday with baby and DH, your baby deserves a happy and healthy mum

It sounds as if you do loads with DSD and can make it up to her in other ways

Because she choose to be in a relationship with a man that earns less than her and share expenses . My partner earns 3x less than me so I pay more than him towards holidays and in daily expenses , we both have 2 kids each from a previous relationship and I would never dream of telling him they are not going because you earn less than me . That’s not what a relationship is about