Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Moral of the story for her then. Don’t have a child with something that already had a child

@B0711 having read all your posts on this thread I don’t think yabu to want one holiday for you to relax with the baby and your husband. You’ve said dsd has been included in other holidays and will be included in future holidays. With this in mind I think it is more than ok to have this holiday without dsd.

If on the other hand this one holiday sets a precedent for how dsd will be excluded in future then of course you would be unreasonable to do that.

I think the main issue is that your dh has now made a promise to his daughter and if he doesn’t fulfill it then it would be very upsetting and potentially damaging. He’s changed the situation by doing that.

So perhaps the best course of action is now for you and baby and maybe your mother or a friend should have this relaxing holiday without dh. He can then make time for his dd and either take her on holiday at his own expense or make it a holiday at home.

Because, generally speaking, you just can’t make a promise like that to a child and then take. And he did that, not you and so he needs to fix it

Moral of the story for her then. Don’t have a child with something that already had a child

Or, pick one that's more empathetic. My DP would never have stopped us from having a much needed break that my DSS didn't even know about.

You are a mum of two!! Just because you didn’t give birth to one of them and share custody of her (even if you don’t have PR, just your partner does) when you entered into a relationship with this man you became a family with his daughter too.

People shouldn’t become step-parents if they don’t understand that makes them a parent!

I could have written this. Our last holiday all together felt so lonely, so I told DH if that's how it's always going to be I'd rather not bother with family holidays and skip the resentment and exhaustion of being left wrangling the little ones myself while he's off with DSD. I don't mind day trips or even weekends away all together but I don't want my main "holiday" to be spent that way.
I don't even mind if they go off for a holiday together, I'll still be on my own with the little ones but at least we will be in our own home and routine and I can take them off on local days out suitable for their ages.

I’m a stepmother. When my sons were born my stepdaughter was with us one night midweek and at least one day and night on the weekend. She is 16 now and we see her less because she has a job and sees her friends more than she wants to hang out with family (as is totally normal for a 16 year old) but she still has a bedroom here, she’s invited on every holiday, every family wedding, every meal out, the lot. She is my husband’s daughter, my sons’ sister.

Yes, that does mean it still costs money for her to come on holiday with us, out for meals with us, outfits for weddings, Christmas presents etc, but it’s because she is one of our family, we all cost money. My husband pays a set amount to her mum each month as he should. This didn’t change when I was on maternity leave because she is his family, his responsibility. She didn’t stop needing his support when her brothers arrived.

It was important that she build relationships with her brothers as siblings and that happened because she was part of as much as possible.

I totally get the financial stress of that £500 coming from your savings, but I’d say here your partner is being unreasonable. You’re the one with less income, why isn’t he contributing?

No, being a parent is kind of a big deal, you don't just automatically inherit a child because you are in the intimate orbit of a parent.

I actually completely agree with this and wish it was the view OP would take, but it feels impossible. OP doesn’t realise she’s missing out on the amazing relationship she could have with her step daughter.

Your partner is an arse but so are you, You’ve got a family and that includes your DSD- don’t have children with someone who already has them if you want your own nuclear family only. My DSD would be extremely hurt if she thought we wanted a break from her to go on holiday- we already miss out on half her life as it is. The people commenting that you should be able to go away just the 3 of you are either not step parents or are horrible step parents.

Yes being a step parent is a really really big deal and harder than you’ll ever understand. Don’t take it on lightly.

I'm not the one who doesn't understand the difference between a marriage and an adoption.

I don't think op is going to come back here....

It's a typical scenario that are seen more and more on here. As a step mum myself, it is hard to love a child that isn't yours in the same was as you love your own but acceptance is key. Always look at it in the opposite way - would you ever take your step daughter away and leave your child at home? No is my guess. So your step daughter should be treated exactly the same as she is just as much apart of your family. She's just not there all the time.

This is just the start I'm afraid op - I can see there being many circumstances ahead that you are going to find tricky now you are a parent yourself. Your step daughter has always been there, it's not fair to exclude her now

The entitlement and projection here is so weird. Before this couple had the new baby, presumably they went away together for weekends, when he wasn’t with his daughter? That’s what separated families do isn’t it, have some time for themselves and their children?

I am a step-child, treated wildly different by my step-dad to his own daughter. My sister was 8 when she was born and he’d regularly bring home sweets for his child, not for her. He was a douchebag. Every aspect of our lives were different than my baby sisters but she was his flesh and blood, and we were not. Our dad lived on the other side of the world and it sucked, but thems the breaks. It wasn’t her fault. She did the theme parks and days out and we had none of that. Never occurred to me to feel victimised, thank god, different dad different experiences.

A baby of that age is like a pot plant. It won’t enjoy a thing or notice anything, where it is or what they are doing. Why does DSD even need to be told, or why do they have to explain themselves to her? I go away all the time with and without my kids. I love both. Making a thing of this is teaching her to be aware of and nervous of differences.

I hate the posts where the 2nd wife wants to take HER children to Disney and leave an 8 yo DSC at home, makes me want to vomit, but this isn’t that.

OP, you are clearly kind and thoughtful. But yes, you deserve this. If you husband is going to make everything hard work don’t take him.

The people commenting that you should be able to go away just the 3 of you are either not step parents or are horrible step parents.

Or, heaven forbid, they have actual experience of part time contact with a child and know that it's perfectly possible to do certain things during your time away from them that need not ever upset them, and you don't actually need to sacrifice all your wants and needs.

But oh no, it's far better to be childish and call people horrible over something that need not ever have any impact on the child. Very mature and intelligent.

I've noticed the majority of stepchildren on here who say it didn't matter that my Dad took my step-sibling(s) away and left me at home appear to have also had full-siblings in the same situation.

I think that would make a massive difference, still having your full-sibling around whilst Dad + New Family globe-trot without you.

Being the sole member of what you consider to be your family being excluded would really hurt I think.

Here we have an adult with her own agenda (achieving superior nuclear family status) for her own child saying - it's MY money, 'the child' (her partner's first born) gets other holidays, I'm not depriving MY child of anything in order to afford parity to my husband's first born child.

Why are MNers not up in arms about 'family money' on this thread? If the situation were reversed there would be much frothing at the mouth at the idea the (higher-earning male) partner was intending to pay for his first-born and expecting OP to pay for her own child to 'tag along' even although the partner was making it clear the OPs own child would be a 'hinderance' even if she found the money to fund their holiday.

The cries of LTB would be deafening.

Because it’s not ‘family money’. They’re not married for a start, but even if they were that wouldn’t make her responsible for funding his child. ‘Family money’ may be a mumsnet preference, but plenty of people in nuclear AND blended families maintain separate finances.

I don’t differentiate between stepfathers and stepmothers - neither are financially responsible for their partners children. If this isn’t acceptable for a parent then they have the option of walking away.

For pp stating that the op is her dsd’s parent, it’s not up to you to decide that. It’s not even up to the step parent to decide that.

The only person who gets to decide whether they regard their step parent as a mother/father figure (or second mum/dad) is the step child themselves.

With an 8 year age gap the kids won't ever want to do the same things, every holiday will be a compromise. I'm of the view that it's all in as a family or not at all. I wouldn't live with or have a child with a partner who saw it as my kids and his kids.

OP what you're not understanding is in the way you wouldn't leave one of your biological children at home to go on holiday, neither would your partner. He has two biological children he sees equally. It isn't about how many times the child goes on holiday with her mother, he wants to treat his children equally, so unless as a family you can afford for him to also take the daughter on his own, she comes with you, surely.
I do understand your desire for your own family unit and fewer complications, but this is why I actively avoided dating men with children. I met a lovely guy in my twenties but he already had a child, so that situation wasn't right for me.
You have chosen to be in a relationship and have a baby with someone who is already a father. That comes with compromises.

I wouldn't live with or have a child with a partner that expected me to see his child as my child. So stifling.

@aSofaNearYou people will see it differently but the key thing is not to form a blended family with someone who doesn't see it the same way as you.

I agree with this.
My DH would have run a mile from me if I'd decided that his DD was now my DD and behaved as if that was true as some posters on MN insist I should.
He saw as a step child himself how damaging that can be so he has only ever required or expected me to be kind and supportive of him and DSD, and that has suited the four of us (DH, ex, DSD and me) very well.

If its your savings and not joint money then he should be co tributing for himself and paying all costs for his daughter!!! If he can’t then she doesn’t get to come on this occasion. He can tell her mother that he is unable to afford to take her but she is welcome to contribute if she that desperate for her to come. Its one thibg if the sd is not getting any holidays but sounds like she already gets holidays with her mother.

Yes, I agree. But the point is there isn't only one way of seeing it.

I agree completely.

SD is getting lots of holidays with both her parents ... and OP has been paying for her to do so with her father!