Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Or child's father can pay!

That's multiple holidays, this is one. The chances of a child that age finding out when none of the adults mentioned it and the other child involved is a baby are very slim.

And that last part is pure projection - OP has specifically said multiple times that this is a one off trip she wants to do while her DC is a baby and DSD would be included in future trips.

I've voted YABU mainly because your attitude stinks.

It's fine to have any combination of holidays with or without one or both kids or with or without DH if that's what you want to do with your money BUT you seem absolutely hell bent on excluding your DSD because you don't think she (or her mother) deserve such a thing. You married a man with a child and now you have your own child she is very much an inconvenience and cash drain. Your DH should treat his 2 kids equally, despite what you want.

Yabu. Excluding a young child like this is awful. She’s not a rational adult, she’s a child. Your son is not the “main child”

I would maybe temper your expectations of a relaxing holiday with a baby, where you don’t have to entertain them- I’m not sure this has ever happened to me.

YABU.
You need to show your stepdaughter you love her and want her, and that the new baby hasn’t replaced her. Going away without her doesn’t show her this, regardless of what you might tell her.

@aSofaNearYou And that last part is pure projection - OP has specifically said multiple times that this is a one off trip she wants to do while her DC is a baby and DSD would be included in future trips.

no- read the OP’s posts more carefully. She says things that suggest if they were short on money, they’d only bring her child in future.

But my baby will be a baby this year, as in we don’t have to entertain, we can relax.

😂😂😂

I've read all the OPs posts...

OP I think YABU to exclude her (sorry). It is nice ye are doing things in the UK as a family but I think if I was her I'd be hurt over not going on the abroad holiday. I get an 8 year old will need entertaining but surely a complex with a pool would be entertainment enough? I would've loved that at that age, all day spent jumping in and out of the pool.

YANBU to say you won't pay for her out of your savings, I think your DP should have to pay for her. (some people suggested her mother pay.... Why!?).

YABU for thinking a holiday abroad on your own with your baby will be relaxing.

A holiday on your own, wiith a new baby, will NOT be a holiday. Just sayin'.

Exactly but the OP said that he couldn’t pay.

Yes
They are a family with two children now. OP can't pretend it's just the three of them. Her partner is that little girl's daddy forever and she is the stepmother.

If we don't lab a holiday with children it's with all them. We never take one or two without the others.
My sd is very difficult, she a much older late teen who I don't get on with nor enjoy spending much time with but I would nerved ever plan a family holiday without her. She's part of the family no matter what.

That separated word!! If we plan a holiday that should say

YABU given it's the first holiday after a new baby to her father has been born.

Your step child is 8 years old, she shouldn't be expected to understand adult concepts and be able to express her emotions as an adult would in this situation. It's likely she'll just feel jealous, rejected and potentially resentful of her new brother and i completely understand why.

Most families try to integrate new siblings with as little upheaval to existing children. She is your husbands existing child and it sounds like good parenting to include her in the first holiday away after the new addition. It sounds sensible for both the short and long term relationships between the siblings.

I do think future holidays can be treated differently but you have an opportunity here to ease her mind that she's not being replaced and foster a positive relationship with her brother.

YABU to exclude your DSS. Way to make her feel pushed out by the new baby. Your DH should pay for her though.

OP go on this holiday sooner rather than later! Babies are perfect on planes up to about nine months. Five or six months is ideal. It can almost be a couple’s holiday. Definitely go in term time and don’t be scared of long haul… I’m an experienced flyer with young DC in tow. If you take DSD then the holiday becomes about her, not you. You would be tied to school hols which sucks. And you’re the one who has grown and birthed a baby and saved for a break. You deserve a holiday. Ignore those on here who expect you to martyr yourself. Sounds like you’ve already been thoughtful about planning other hols with DSD.

Imagine the mum goes away with just her new baby from her current relationship and the dad does the same. Poor child. She should be going away with BOTH sets of parents, if you wanted to exclude a child then you shouldn't have got with a man with a child!

Can see both perspectives. I have children and a new partner and we might have children in the future.

Tbh I would want my main holiday of the year to be with all my children.

But whilst any future children I have with my partner I like the idea of sneaking off for a short cheaper holiday whilst the baby is free.

But I definitely wouldn't tell my children is been away and it would have to be during school holidays anyway. I'd just do it when my kids are away with their dad.

But once my kids are all 'kids' and not just babies I'd want them all to go together and it would upset me if my partner was pushing for holidays without my kids.

On minimum wage and paying CMS he couldn't afford too, we went away 1st 2yrs we were together and I paid for the holidays and spending money, we've bought a house since then and had 1 holiday since our Son was born and he was free at 2.....we've not been away for 4yrs! He will be 6 when we go and our daughter will be 1, both are still free....hes paid this year as he's now in a better paid job, his kids are adults now and going away with friends and his 16yr old is having her prom dress

I think it’s perfectly reasonable, and I say that as a step child. And I have had some lovely holidays with a baby so not sure why you are being told that’s unreasonable either. This is your first baby, you want to make the most of it, why is that frowned upon? Go camping as a full family in the summer or in a caravan etc. And like a lot of comments just dont tell SD or say you went away for work, then go on a family day out that she chooses and make a big fuss of her.

Just popping up to say I took my very young DD with my then husband and SD on holiday with an equivalent age gap (DD was 1 but close enough). I paid for the lot. Worst holiday ever. Went all inclusive to avoid extra costs and so SD had all the entertainment thrown in. Whole holiday fully geared to 8 year old SD because that’s what happens when you have an 8 year old on holiday.
SD was and is very hard to entertain. It was a nightmare I was trapped in the room with DD after 8pm. It was too hot for DD. I had to stay in the shade with her most of the time. Husband spent evenings drinking at the bar and following SD around while she watched the evening shows and made friends. We all went to the water park and they had fun while I sat in the baby pool all day. Basically we had two separate holidays. I should have just gone with DD on my own it would have been a lot cheaper. So that would be my advice, take a holiday on your own with your little one while you are on mat leave. SD can spend some quality 1-1 time with her dad which I’m sure she would appreciate with a new sibling on the scene.

He cannot spend your savings, he needs to cough up.

YABU not to take your stepdaughter on holiday though. She’s just as much his child as your child is - your child isn’t the golden one because it’s with you.

YANBU to want to take advantage of maternity leave and the opportunity of a cheaper holiday. Also know plenty of parents who have breaks without their kids and they are perfectly fine being left with grandparents or aunts/uncles.

If all adults are on board you arrange it without DSD even knowing. Although it sounds like her mum is an issue. Personally, I think if she was a considerate person she's see why you want the break and if a decent parent she'd be willing to keep it secret for sake of daughter or help her understand. Maybe you guys could return the favor so she could have a getaway too. If yi don't think she'd be on board could you go without her knowing?

I don't think it would be very pleasant to exclude his other child. Imagine that from the point of view of his daughter - daddy going away on holidays with their sibling but she isn't allowed to go.

It doesn't matter that she has a well off mum - she doesn't have her dad on those holidays, your child will.

However, you shouldn't be having to pay for it all. Her father should be paying.

Sounds like bitter ExP is part of the problem here. Why would an 8 year old want to go on holiday with a baby?

Either DP coughs up and they go and he can entertain her when she’s not into doing baby things or she doesn’t go.

personaliy I would go away without them for a lovely time away with baby. Definitely wouldn’t let SD’s mother have any input on it given she went silly over a non existent theoretical holiday!