Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

God, was he not mortified that he couldn't look after his own children alone for a few hours?

Do you both earn the same? Or you earn more? In curious why you fund all these trips. The costs, if you generally pay 50/59 for stuff should be
You - pay for yourself and half of whatever ds costs
He - pays for himself, plus half of what ds costs, plus 100% of what did costs.

I agree. Why are you in this situation where your partner expects you to fund both him and his daughter?

So sorry to read this about your daughter.

We go on term time holidays with my family/friends. This is something I did before DH and would hope to do until the end of eternity. I’d also continue to do it if we ever divorced! I have older children who are still in education who love this tradition (in the group grandchildren have began to come and I’d love one day for my own grandchildren to join)! DH and I have no children together. The holiday is something that I pay for, I even pay for DH. The whole holiday party would not afford the holiday if it wasn’t term time and it’s something we’ve done for 15+ years. We have always asked if the DSCs can come (I’d also pay for them but they’ve not been allowed to miss school in order to come).

I do hope that they don’t have resentment issues in the future. We’d absolutely love to include them, want them there and will continue to ask (and I’d be willing to pay) every year until they leave college/university.

From your original post, it sounds like you are only planning to take one holiday this year, and this to be without your SD. As clearly you have an issue with him also planning a holiday with her over the summer.

Is it a case of only being to afford 1 holiday this year without SD, or one holiday without her and one with her? If so, what's wrong with your OH also organising a joint one?

Then there is the issue of money. One minute it's 'WE can/can't afford', then 'Ill have to pay for all'. Is your money joint or not?

It's ok to go and do things with your child without SD, especially things adapted to their age. It's not ok to arrange a nice family holiday abroad without your SD and tell SD that maybe, next year or the year after or after, you'll take her.

You are selfish ! Sorry he is clearly a presence in his daughters life and you should expect her on all important moments . I would never dream about not taking my SC on holiday , when I’m taking mine . If you are going when she cannot go then that’s different, but where we can we accommodate everyone.
how would you feel if your partner went on holiday on your return just with her then ? And left your child ?

Sorry he is clearly a presence in his daughters life and you should expect her on all important moments

Again, and at risk of sounding like a broken record because nobody is answering - why should you? This is not a rule.

My experience of having a step child is that he is not there for ALL important moments. He's there for some of them - the one's that happen during our contact time with him, but many moments he is not there for. Especially one's that he wouldn't even know about to be bothered by missing.

how would you feel if your partner went on holiday on your return just with her then ? And left your child ?

Do you mean after them taking their joint child together?
If this is what you mean, then I don’t see anything wrong with him going having a holiday alone with his his older child on his return. They’re both getting a holiday with him, just not at the same time.

Do you mean after OP taking their joint child away on her own?
If this is what you mean, it’s not the same. He shouldn’t take just his older child away basically in retaliation to OP taking her only child away. It sends out the message that OP and her child aren’t allowed any time together, and that he has to make up for it when they do, when there is nothing to make up for. Both children get holidays and time with their own mums and he is responsible for both because he’s parent to both.

@Mumwomansisterdaughter

You do that - fine, your choice.
op does not have to.

women have choices - deal with it.

I don't get the hostility to OP. It's entirely reasonable to only go away with a baby. I have two biological children and we even looked at the older one having a holiday with grandparents whilst we took the baby away. Having a baby is different as you can do things like a short city break where you go around museums and sites without worry as they don't get bored. This is before the restrictions of when you can travel which is any time with a baby. I would say do both, a cheap city escape with your partner (UK or Europe) and the baby, and a more expensive (avoidable due to the cost of kids activities!) holiday with the 8 year old during school breaks. The cost of the two holidays could equate to one with timescales (a week/weekend rather than one big two week holiday)/shopping around

Just go on holiday with your baby. While you want it to be you, your husband and baby, understandably, your husband wants his daughter to come along too. I guess these things come with entering into a relationship with someone who already has a kid.

I think you should go with your baby and your partner. You mention that you’ve been struggling a lot and have post-natal depression so I’ve no doubt you need and deserve a break. Will this holiday fix everything, no, but I’m sure it will make you feel better and you shouldn’t apologise to anyone for making a decision that puts your needs ahead of others.

Going without your partner helps the messaging to your step daughter but it doesn’t give you much down time does it? If you bring your partner along you might be able to have a little lie in or take a break for an hour or two to get a massage or just sit and have a glass of wine on your own - the kind of things you don’t realise you desperately need until you do them and then just sit there with a silly grin on your face while you do. I’m a first time Mom with a small baby and I find that when I do something for me I come home happier and just better able to deal with everything.

How does your partner feel about the idea? Does he get where you are coming from re needing a break?

Can your step daughters mother help with messaging? Re-informing that it is not kid friendly, that there are other holidays booked in with everyone, maybe even promising a foreign holiday next year? Can they mention that you’ve been ill and don’t feel well enough for a fun holiday at the minute?

Your step daughter will be disappointed but if you otherwise consistently include her and make her feel part of your family surely this one event won’t ruin your bond.

You chose to have a child with someone who already has a child. You either accept that child as a solid and legitimate part of your family (as much as your own child) or do everyone a favour and leave now. Your partner has already proven he can be a decent parent without being in a relationship with the mother.

But my baby will be a baby this year, as in we don’t have to entertain, we can relax I feel like this requires a special message all of its own @B0711 . Good luck with that.

This. As a DSC once I think this nails it on the head. I just feel sad for the step kids when I read these kind of threads. They are siblings and those are relationships that should be nurtured and treasured not treated like ‘our camp’ and ‘the extra child camp’ …if you have a relationship with someone who already has kids surely you understand they become your family… your bored 8 year old too

And lols to a stress free holiday with an under 1 😂

I’ve read your replies OP and can’t see anywhere where you explain why you’re bankrolling all the holidays??

Err, both mine had travelled long haul by the time they were 1 and let me tell you, it was a breeze compared to when they were mobile. Lols.

Can you afford a second break - even a weekend camping or to a cheap caravan/ hotel, which you could take DSD on, on top of the holiday for the three of you?

my friend is in a similar situation with older children. They all go on a couple of trips per year - usual a weekend to Butlins and a few nights camping, then her, her partner and her children (resident with them), go abroad at another point. This seems to keep everyone happy and prevent anyone feeling hard-done-by.

Why does this eight year old need to know everything you and your partner are doing? Sounds like it’s her mother doing all the ‘upset’ and shit stirring.
Go on holiday, come home, have the child come over for her dad time.
If the subject of holidays comes up, explain when her next holiday with you and her father will be happening.
It will only be upsetting if everybody makes it upsetting.
Congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy your special first year with him.

Finally, someone else who sees the obvious!

It’s a tough one as I know my ex wanted to go on holiday without my son too, and in the end we did whilst son was on a school trip. I felt really guilty, and one person commented on it too.

You really shouldn’t have started a relationship with a man when you had no intention of accepting his child into your life! That was your mistake.

Letting you exclude his Daughter would be his mistake… I hope he doesn’t make it.

Because kids find out- I thought I had done a good job at lying to my 2, when Dad took thier new sibling and his DPs DCs on holiday without them. They knew or they have since worked it out. What can I say - he has taken them on holiday 3 times but he has taken younger sibling and her DCS twice per year every year for the past 8 years. They were invited once but eldest was ill ( in hospital) and so could not go.

it sucks - they know and they resent it. They want to spend time with their Dad on holiday - to quote the eldest - just ot hand out with him and relax.

OP is quite clearly setting the scene for future reasons not to take DSD away - sad for DSD and her new sibling

So never after they split up? They never got holidays with their father. Thats terrible.