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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 06/04/2023 22:51

At least you're not ruling out going on holiday with her, I'd rather go without than holiday with someone else's annoying kid.

Annon1234 · 06/04/2023 22:57

B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:17

It’s not that though, she will come on all holidays in the future (price depending, in theory we can absolutely afford that but you never know what can happen in life)

But my baby will be a baby this year, as in we don’t have to entertain, we can relax.

if me and my partner separated and he went on holiday with a baby I don’t think I’d care. What would my 8 year old be missing out on when there’s a baby? Whereas when my baby older we’ll absolutely be holidaying together because we’ll be doing the excursions, the water parks, the theme parks etc.

I think it’s different with it being a baby and not it’s like I have a 5 year old and taking them on holiday without their sibling in which they would both enjoy the activities.

What’s your baby missing out on by going with their sister as apposed to just their mum and dad. I personally think your being very unfair, I’m not a stepchild nor do I have one so not speaking with much experience however I think when you meet someone and have a baby with someone with a child you have to accept your a family, she may not be your daughter but she’s his. You wouldn’t just go on holidays with one of your children if you had 2 just because you couldn’t afford to take both. Someone earlier really hit the nail on the head. Your baby isn’t his ‘main’ child, he has 2 children, I would see it as though he’s a good dad and doesn’t want to leave his daughter behind.
also speaking from experience, travelling with a small baby certainly is not relaxing

Ktime · 07/04/2023 00:08

@Annon1234 OP has already explained this is a holiday for her in her maternity leave, without children’s activities. I think she’s entitled to that actually.

Trez1510 · 07/04/2023 00:10

No skin in this particular game, not a stepchild and don't have any.

I feel OP is beginning to set a narrative whereby her partner has to agree to prioritise their joint child in future, across the board, depending on finances. Given OP holds the family's 'fun money' purse-strings, I can't help but feel the 8yo will miss out a fair number of 'family' holidays due to finance.

I can't help but feel this is the groundwork to begin ousting the partner's first born via financial coercion/blackmail of the father.

OP wants a nuclear family, despite all her fine words about being inclusive she still refers to her partner's child as 'the child' (not his daughter, just 'the child') it's like there's a superficial acknowledgement he's been a father for eight years but no real acceptance of what that entails. I also, reading between the lines, see plans are afoot to ensure he prioritises her one and only precious first born as the only child, and her above his first born child. I think the pending vasectomy supports that idea.

I think the partner, if he has any sense, will be reading the writing on the wall and rethinking his relationship with OP, rather than that with his first born.

If the OP was a woman, explaining her male partner's attempts to exclude her first child, she'd be being told (loudly and clearly) to LTB and his financial control of her and by extension her child.

Lolly13289 · 07/04/2023 01:19

I think you’re outright awful! His daughter has been in his life far longer than you. And when you chose to be in a relationship with him you also agreed to take on his daughter. Why should she be left out? If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? Disgraceful!

Kitkatcatflap · 07/04/2023 02:11

I totally get it - an 8 year old does need entertaining on holiday with days out etc. I think you are just wanting a relaxing holiday away with your DH - nothing wrong with that, I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on here.

Your step daughter is already having two holidays - how hard is it to slip away for a week or so during term time. Just don't say you are going on holiday. As you have lots of relatives can you not say that you are taking the baby to visit 'Great Aunt Sybil' in the outer Hebrides, all very boring.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/04/2023 02:45

Yabu.

Your child already benefits from having their parents together which is a far bigger advantage than any holiday will ever be.

Your DH has two children. I would never go on holiday with one of mine and not the other.

Kitkatcatflap · 07/04/2023 03:00

You can hardly blame the OP for her parents bot being together. The daughter is already booked in for two holidays this year - she is not loosing out. The OP sent the daughter on HER family holiday alo f with her parents as she stayed at home very pregnant. The OP wants a break away without it being focused on children's activities

Cappuccino17 · 07/04/2023 05:14

Poor little girl will be heartbroken if she didn't come. Think it'd damage her emotionally and she'd feel the baby is the important one to her dad and she's not important anymore. You can't do that to a child she will probably never forget. Just take her along. It'll save a lot of regret and damage in your relationships with your step daughter and your husband. He will resent you if you leave his daughtet behind. It is what you signed up for when u married him?

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 05:33

I think I would take a small family holiday, aimed at pleasing the DSD, at husband's expence with not too much travelling involved and during school holidays.
While you are on Maternity Leave, I would also book a holiday splurge with just the three of you while the baby is free to travel.
You can get used to travelling with the baby and have a restful time. It is not mean for step children to miss out on some holidays from time to time and she wil benefit from a well rested and happy father and step-mother. Send her a postcard in the mail from her half sibling.

Fraaahnces · 07/04/2023 05:41

JFC!
OP’s partner chose to ignore their previous conversation (which was following a very manipulative call from SD’s mum - undoubtedly so SHE can have some time out away from her kid - claiming that SD was sad about missing out in family holidays with OP and partner - despite nobody having discussed holidays at all with anyone.)
OP is talking about going somewhere quiet and sitting by a pool or on a beach in the shade relaxing for a few days, NOT entertaining a busy, demanding, eight year old who will want to do activities that a baby can’t get involved with, and/or be resentful because the activities wouldn’t be timed appropriately with baby’s eating/feeding/sleeping schedule. It’s not at all practical to drag an eight year old on the kind of holiday that OP wants, needs and is entitled to (because she is paying for it, for starters).

The issue is OP’s partner ignoring their agreement and promising holidays to his SD that would be paid for with OP’s money, leaving OP a) significantly out of budget and b) very, very resentful.

Tandora · 07/04/2023 05:48

No it’s not ok for your partner to go on holiday with his new family without his daughter. That type of thing is incredibly hurtful. The fact that your family did it growing up is not ok.
YABU.

Sugarfree23 · 07/04/2023 06:06

Op I think you'd have got different responses if you'd made it clear in your first post that you had family holidays planned for this year inc stepdaughter and the holiday for you DP & baby wasn't the only holiday.

I think he is being unreasonable insisting that she comes on every holiday you have, especially as she gets holidays with her mum too.

An 8 year gap between kids is going to be really tough to manage balancing the wants and needs of both kids.

I have a 6 year gap and that is hard going at times. Big one is too cool for softplay but LO is perfect age for it. Cinema trip going to different films. LO too short for various rides at a theme park. Big one is bored at the little kid stuff, so you end up splitting up. Even swimming can involve one of us with LO in the shallow end while the other is at the deep end. A day out bigger one wants to stay longer, litte one is exhausted "why does he have to spoil everything"

Chuckydidit · 07/04/2023 06:34

This will be the ex wife pushing this, don’t ever let her dictate to you when it comes to you & your son. The last thing you want is a jealous kid trying to keep you away from those first precious moments with your son.

HoppingPavlova · 07/04/2023 06:49

The only YANBU here is being expected to pay for the entire holiday including DSD. Why isn’t DH paying half?

I’d think going on holiday with only half my kids would have been odd, it would never have entered into my head to go on holiday with half of them. I’d say this is where your DH head is at, it would seem strange for him to go on holiday with only half his kids, weird. Surely, OP, if you had more than one child you’d think going on holiday with only half of them would feel odd, can you not see that?

HoppingPavlova · 07/04/2023 07:02

If I had two children, grown in my womb, that I was the primary parent, no I wouldn’t leave one child at home, however that is not this scenario

But the scenario is, DH has two children who came from his sperm, that subsequently grew into humans. Surely that’s not ‘less than’ because he doesn’t have a womb? Surely, he’s allowed to want to consider them equally at all points through their lives and not be a ‘less than’ dad to one versus the other?

Magicmama92 · 07/04/2023 07:32

Hi as a former step child please don't marry this man. If you can't treat his child equally to yours you have no right to marry him.
I literally am in therapy because I got bullied and left out and treated like I was a inconvenience my entire life and it's absolutely horrible. If you can't treat an innocent child the way they deserve which is with kindness, love and respect then do not get with someone with a child.

NOTANUM · 07/04/2023 07:34

Just look at this through the lens of your son’s only sibling and what he could gain from that relationship his whole life. If she feels “other”, that is likely to suffer.

Yes blended families can be tough but step siblings can also be allies when kids/young adults/when dad ages etc. I’d nurture that like a delicate flower personally.

funinthesun19 · 07/04/2023 07:55

Your child already benefits from having their parents together which is a far bigger advantage than any holiday will ever be.

God I hate this. It’s always used against second children in lots of different scenarios. Can’t have an ice cream at the park without their older sibling as it’s not fair, but no worries they do live with both parents which is far better than any ice cream will ever be.
You get my drift.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 08:00

Magicmama92 · 07/04/2023 07:32

Hi as a former step child please don't marry this man. If you can't treat his child equally to yours you have no right to marry him.
I literally am in therapy because I got bullied and left out and treated like I was a inconvenience my entire life and it's absolutely horrible. If you can't treat an innocent child the way they deserve which is with kindness, love and respect then do not get with someone with a child.

If you look up "projection" in the dictionary, this is what you'd see.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 08:04

HoppingPavlova · 07/04/2023 06:49

The only YANBU here is being expected to pay for the entire holiday including DSD. Why isn’t DH paying half?

I’d think going on holiday with only half my kids would have been odd, it would never have entered into my head to go on holiday with half of them. I’d say this is where your DH head is at, it would seem strange for him to go on holiday with only half his kids, weird. Surely, OP, if you had more than one child you’d think going on holiday with only half of them would feel odd, can you not see that?

If you didn't live with one of those children for the majority of the time, you would be used to doing things without them. That is what people with no experience of being or being with a NRP fail to understand. It's an absolutely normal and fundamental part of your daily life, and up to the individual whether that extends to holidays or not. You might decide it can't for emotional reasons, but that doesn't mean it will feel strange doing things without that child - it won't.

cloudgo · 07/04/2023 08:13

Oh now I feel so sorry for step children. It must be horrible never belonging in your own family! And to know you're always inferior to your special sibling who is your parents' "real child" in the real family, and who get to go on holiday with Mummy and Daddy. I'm guessing that feeling of being a "spare part" probably stays with you mentally for life?

Anyway, if you really want to exclude her, I think you could frame it as her being at a family event with her biological mother first, so she can't go with you due to circumstance. Rather than "you're not part of our family so you can't go with us, so you go over to your mother's place" -> make it "you have a special fun event/thing with your mother, and it just so happens that that coincides with our holiday, so you can't come with us".

CathyBee · 07/04/2023 08:19

You are being completely unreasonable. I’m most concerned by the fact that throughout you refer to the older child as “his”. You might not have given birth to her, but when you enter into a relationship with someone with a child you are agreeing to be a family not just with that man but with his children too. You have two children together.

Completely understand that an 8 year old does not make for a relaxing holiday so yes, plan some child free holidays in the future. But that means just you and your partner with both your children staying with family/friends whilst you’re away.

If you want a holiday with the baby fair enough, but that needs to be just you and the baby (or maybe also a friend, or your mum) otherwise you’re going on a family holiday but leaving quarter of your family behind.

batsandeggs · 07/04/2023 08:19

B0711 · 05/04/2023 17:16

I’m not a mum of two leaving one child. That is not the scenario here. So there’s no point projecting a hypothetical different scenario to help me decide.

If I had two children, grown in my womb, that I was the primary parent, no I wouldn’t leave one child at home, however that is not this scenario.

My partner is not the primary care giver to his daughter so isn’t ‘leaving’ her at home. She’ll be in school/with her primary parent.

Whilst everyone thinks things should be 100% equal in such scenarios, it’s not. It’s never going to be. It would almost be impossible to treat his daughter exactly the same I treat my son. I’m taking her on plenty of get aways this year, all centred around her. I’m sure I’m hardly a horrific person wanting to go on a holiday that doesn’t centre around children activities.

Show quote history

You might not be a mother of two, but he is a father of two. So him going on holiday without his other daughter is doing exactly what you’ve said you wouldn’t do. I don’t think it matters that he’s got shared custody. And you could argue that this first year of having a new sibling is the most important for his daughter, because that’s a huge adjustment for her that comes with a lot of emotions and I’m sure you’ll all be trying your best to make sure she knows she’s very much part of your family… like, you know, taking her on the first family holiday.

Also, your original post made clear that this isn’t just for your maternity leave as you referenced the future and maybe not being able to afford taking them both… ?

You might have lots of plans and wished as a mother of one, but I’m afraid your partner is a father of two.

cloudgo · 07/04/2023 08:21

I guess I'd change my earlier sentence "It must be horrible never belonging in your own family" to "It must be horrible never belonging in your own home".

Rightly or wrongly, OP (and many step parents) don't consider step children part of the real family, so I guess "home" is a better substitute. Just pondering

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