Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Yes - the woman who gave birth to the child

@Statusunknown

are you ok?
you seem to have a real problem with a woman knowing her own mind and needs/wants and acting in accordance with them.
hope you’re ok and maybe one day you can do the same

When they were still married he did with his ex

*You can try to create a narrative where your dh is someone more a parent to your joint dc and "not the primary parent" to his other dc, but I suspect you know that it is something you are creating to make yourself feel better about doing something shitty to a small child.

You chose to have a relationship with a man with a dc. Having to accept that DC is part of the family is part of the deal.*

Thing is, as much as people like to pretend otherwise, there isn't only one way of having a family.

I understand what OP means about not being the primary parent - no my DP isn't "more" my DC's dad than DSS's, that defies biology... but at the same time, DSS is only with us for about 1/6th of the time. Yes he's part of the family, but that fact isn't staunchly ignored like people on here insist it must be. It means that from everyone's perspective, his other home is his primary home. The vast majority of the things he does are things done without us, and tbh, the vast majority of the things we do are things done without him. The 1/6th figure is reflected by that, our life goes on when he isn't around just like his does, and holidays aren't for some reason taboo in that regard.

It's never been an issue because, frankly, I don't think he thinks about what other people do when he isn't around. He's too busy talking about all the things he's been doing.

imagine a different scenario where you and your partner split up and a few years from
now he has a baby with someone else. Now Imagine his new partner wants to exclude your child from their family holidays (for the reasons you state) and your DC is very upset by this. Does this seem reasonable to you?

I can understand you wanting a holiday just the 3 of you and not wanting to pay for the other child. But you chose a man who already has a child and they are now part of your family whether you like it or not. They are equally important to your partner and I can understand him wanting his other child there. Agree he should
pay though!

Yeah, we have a word for that. The word is mother.

Do you have children? Do you call yourself their "biological mother"?

I vividly remember my mother taking my younger brother on holiday while me and my older brother had to stay with our grandparents. Her argument was always 'you can go on holiday with your dad. I can't afford to take all of you.' Now, I don't resent my brother (love him to bits) and I never refer to him as my half sibling, but I do very much resent my mother. Yes, I sometimes went on holiday with my dad, but I wanted to spend quality time with both of my parents. I have a sister on my dad's side too who is 13 years younger than me and my stepmum never pushed me aside to prioritise her 'real' child. I do understand that you want to holiday with just the baby. I get it, it's a different dynamic. But it will hurt your stepdaughter. If you were so set on having holidays alone with your baby you probably should have picked a partner who didn't already have a child.

I was using the word biological to distinguish between the biological mother and the step mother.

The op and others have been very clear that she is not the child's stepmother. And even if she were - do you really think the term "mother" would have been confusing in your post?

As the father can’t pay for his and his kid’s holiday then the biological mother should be paying for her child not the new partner. The biological mother could ask the father to pay her back when it’s possible.

You really think that if you'd written

As the father can’t pay for his and his kid’s holiday then the mother should be paying for her child not the new partner. The mother could ask the father to pay her back when it’s possible.

Then everyone would have been confused about who you meant?

It doesn’t matter how many kids he’s got. That’s him.

She will always have 1 child unless she has another, and then she will be a mother of 2 and so on. It’s basic biology and nothing to do with favouritism.

His life before OP shouldn’t mean we have to start ignoring basic biological facts. Why be so sensitive about her saying she is a mum of 1 and she only grew one child in her womb? It’s true!
It’s got nothing to do with jealousy or favouritism, but it’s actually about protecting her own identity as a mum herself and it not being trampled on by people suggesting that she’s a mum of 2 when she’s not. She’s a mum of 1 no matter how many kids he has got. He could have 20 kids from his past and he’d still be a mum of 1.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the sc is suddenly the OP’s first born too. 🙄

SHE’D still be a mum 1

But the difference is your mum told you what was happening and you were sent away to facilitate it. It's different with a child that comes EOW; if the trip happened while she was at her mum's like usual, why would she ever even know about it?

Being a mum of 1, while your partner has 2 or more, who are your child's siblings, can't be oversimplified like this. The situation is inherently more complicated and difficult.

The op can't behave as if her child is an only child, or as if they are a nuclear family with one child, because they are not.

Neither is she a mum of 2. It's a horrible and inherently messy situation which is why there are so many posts like this.

My now adult daughter is still quite affected by the holidays her dad took without her over the years with her stepmum and step siblings. She felt unwanted and left out and it hurt her deeply and i dont think she will ever fully forgive him. YABU and this is damaging to his relationship with his child.

I am happy to discuss vocabulary with you. Biological mother is very clear. What is it about the expression you find offensive? Perhaps you aren’t a biological mother and this upsets you? This is not my intention to cause upset. Perhaps you are a stepmother or a mother figure to your partners child and you wish you were the biological mother? Again if you find it difficult to read the word biological I suggest you scroll by but also that you seek support from a counsellor or your GP.

He’s not a fantastic dad if he can’t parent his own children without help.

Nice attempt at an ad hominem. It fails completely, I'm afraid. As well as being a personal attack.

I have several (biological) children of my own and I'm married to their (biological) father. No stepchildren involved on either side.

I'm sorry that you are so ignorant about language. Biological mother is a term used when talking about children who have been adopted or fostered, to distinguish from the adoptive or foster mother. It is not used when talking about stepfamilies.

OP can, and will, decide for herself how she wants to behave. It’s up to the father to decide whether that’s acceptable to him or not, and if it isn’t then he can choose to leave the relationship.

I don't think I said otherwise, did I?

She's created a child who has a sibling, and has had a child with a man who has a child already. She might prefer to pretend that isn't true, and that they can behave like a nuclear family with no troublesome half-siblings and additional children to think about, but it's not the case.

He may well decide to leave the relationship. He doesn't come across as a man who's very committed to his partners or the children he makes with them.

@ButterCrackers

This may help you if you're struggling to understand.

https://www.google.com/search?q=biological+mother+when+to+use&oq=biological+mother+when+to+use&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i160.14165j1j7&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1#ip=1

I suggest a look in a dictionary to update your vocabulary skills. My reply is not a personal attack. Your description of my language skills are though a personal attack though but I don’t care about your attack because I know my language skills are far superior to yours. I suggest you reread your post.

I don’t think wanting to go on some (not all) holidays with your just your partner and child is akin to pretending to be a nuclear family. Her family is a blended one, which equally can’t be forced into the nuclear mould.

he is responsible for two children, whereas she is responsible for one. He’s not going to be able to ensure absolute fairness between them, and it’s unfair of him to put that expectation on OP when he knows she’s not agreed to offer that.

She's created a child who has a sibling, and has had a child with a man who has a child already. She might prefer to pretend that isn't true, and that they can behave like a nuclear family with no troublesome half-siblings and additional children to think about, but it's not the case.

But a lot of the time, they sort of can, because she's not there some (probably most) of the time, and while the baby is still a baby, they're hardly going to tell her what they've been up to.

Why is everyone ignoring that reality?

I actually don’t bother with such links so I won’t be opening it as it seems to be a general search. I rely on established dictionaries such as Collins and Cambridge. Have a look up on these. I’m always happy to advance English usage.

The first link is to Quora, and the first answer to the question asked on there defines ‘biological mother’ in exactly the way the poster used it. ‘Birth mother’ is the one they used for adoption scenarios.

Outside of MN which dislikes it, ‘biological mother’ is commonly used interchangeably with ‘mother’.