Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Poor person, do they know their partner is on forums trolling women and calling them names?

You are also fantastically deleted.

Enjoy the holiday in Torquay.

Jealous

Yes you do sound jealous of OP.

You would leave him with his dad, surely?

I’m not a mum of two leaving one child. That is not the scenario here. So there’s no point projecting a hypothetical different scenario to help me decide.

If I had two children, grown in my womb, that I was the primary parent, no I wouldn’t leave one child at home, however that is not this scenario.

My partner is not the primary care giver to his daughter so isn’t ‘leaving’ her at home. She’ll be in school/with her primary parent.

Whilst everyone thinks things should be 100% equal in such scenarios, it’s not. It’s never going to be. It would almost be impossible to treat his daughter exactly the same I treat my son. I’m taking her on plenty of get aways this year, all centred around her. I’m sure I’m hardly a horrific person wanting to go on a holiday that doesn’t centre around children activities.

You sound delightful 'I'll just go with my baby in my own'

Grow up

You married a man with a child so that means you take that child on too. You can't Puckand choose to be a parent/step parent

Yes she can pick and choose.
Just because she’s in a relationship with the child’s father, doesn’t mean she is beholden to his child. She’s not even beholden to him! She can pick and choose to spend time without him because that’s just healthy and normal, and it’s the same regarding his kid! She’s not joined at OP’s hip.

She's on maternity pay and is still paying for 50% of everything. Demanding her savings to he can take his daughter on holiday is taking the piss.

When you have a partner with children from a previous relationship, the children come with them. As a step parent, I may not be their mother and wouldn’t try to be, but is my duty to support their father, as I knew what I was getting into

Sounds like this has got unnecessarily complicated. Why not just explain to the kid that she's not going on the holiday because she's at school? I had a sister who was much younger than me and my parents often took her away on holiday to do baby, then kid stuff, while I was off doing something else. Sometimes they took me on holiday and left toddler with grandparents. We didn't do everything together all the time. This is normal when you have a much younger sibling.

I am a step mum of two, with one of our own - although they are all now grown up. We only began to holiday with just our youngest, once the elder two (DSD and DSS) no longer wanted to go with us.

I wouldn't have dreamt of us going away with just our DD before then, because of the message it would give the DSC - that they were not as important to us (in particular their DF) as our own child.

Lol 😆

"Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty."

If your family can not afford to take both children on holiday that is your family's problem and the mother of DSD and what she does is irrelevant to your dilemma. Or more correctly - your DHs dilemma. He will need to decide if he only goes on holiday with one child and never takes the other.

My issue is you are already 3 months in finding reasons to exclude your DSD.

Meh, there was never a scenario where I’d have taken my young DC on holiday and not my step DC. It just wouldn’t happen. But we were a family unit, as in, all the DC have lived with us FT since they were very small.

I think you’re looking at it more as a couples holiday with a baby tagged on. But, the baby does change the dynamic and turn it into a “family” holiday. So going just you and DH - fine IMO, but leaving one child behind just doesn’t seem right.

DH and I holidayed separately to the DC at times, but we always had a family holiday together too.

So I do think YABU to exclude your DSD. It would be fine if your DH didn’t have a child from a previous relationship, but he does, so she needs to be considered. Which means either you should go as a couple, or save up and pay for both of them.

But you are in a family with two dc, and hoping to exclude one (and the one you want to exclude is the one who is already at a disadvantage).

You can try to create a narrative where your dh is someone more a parent to your joint dc and "not the primary parent" to his other dc, but I suspect you know that it is something you are creating to make yourself feel better about doing something shitty to a small child.

You chose to have a relationship with a man with a dc. Having to accept that DC is part of the family is part of the deal.

Oh lord such a difficult one..

I see both sides of the scenario.

Can you pitch it that you're going on an "adults only" holiday, in that the hotel has a pool but no entertainment for children, no water parks etc and that you don't think she'd enjoy it, but it's ok because you e got your fun UK stuff that she'll love?

This

We go without my step kids and take our child, before my husband got a better job and was on minimum pay and it was just us 2 I paid for our holidays, couldn't stretch to 3 children, since having our Son we've taken him on a free child places, we also have an 11mth old daughter now and will be going in September, both our children have free child place, stepkids are adults now so wouldn't go anyway

Eeek I don’t usually comment on these sort of posts, but my god you sound delightful- “I haven’t grown 2 children in my womb” Your baby will never be the one and only in your husbands eyes, he will always have 2 and your baby will always have a sister, nothing more to say because I have no words for your attitude, I truly hope stepdaughter never picks up on your obvious favouritism, you sound jealous husband had a life before you?

As the father can’t pay for his and his kid’s holiday then the biological mother should be paying for her child not the new partner. The biological mother could ask the father to pay her back when it’s possible.

If you don’t want to take her why don’t you have a holiday during term time. You should as you don’t need the extra expense of a school holiday and you explain this to her. You will have to take her in some holidays in the future if you are to be fair but you should also be able to have holidays without as well

The biological mother?!

Did your husband ever take his older children on holiday?

It's exhausting that we're still having to say this on every step parenting thread but acknowledging that she's only grown one child in her womb and that that child is the priority TO HER is not favouritism, it is the obvious and basic truth. It would be shocking if it was her DH who felt that way. What you have "no words" for is completely normal acknowledgement of reality.